Friend went snooping

[Sunnyshades5]

I'm really close to a man who's changed his whole life around in the last year! He went through years of struggle that led to bad choices and he ended up in hospital. I won't go into huge details.

He's months and months sober.
Earning good money and working 5-6 solid days a week.
He's rescued a dog as part of his recovery. The dog gives him something positive and keeps him company.
He's skilled in what he does and is always getting offers for work. He's popular and seems to be supported alot. He also reaches out to anyone struggling and offers to tell them how he did it. He often gets contacted because he really has turned around.

We didn't plan to become close. But we met through a friend and developed an instant friendship. We are several months into a really close friendship. It's cups of tea and conversations. I can call him anytime. He can call me. We catch up everyday and once life resumes more we will probably go out and about places. Overall he's just lovely and I think the world of him. We help eachother with anything the other can't do.

I know his story. He's told me all the details. Why it happened. What happened. How it ended. He also told me part of his recovery is to be honest about his past. He told me he was terrified of meeting new people and opening up. But he felt safe talking to me and I know it was a massive thing telling me.

My best friend was curious about him as we've been close a while now. So I told her all his good points. Told her he's had some struggles and kept his story private mostly.

She went digging. I think her heart was in the right place. But her husband works in the same Industry and she sent him to work to dig out info. She then text me to ask if I was free for a walk.

I went to meet her. She asked to see his photo. Then she told me her husband had found out he's a p**s head. He's done this and that. She told me everything he had openly told me. I thanked her for caring. Told her he's not hiding anything. He's told me in detail everything she just said. I then said all I can say is he's like this now. He's turned his life around. He didn't want to be that person. He didn't enjoy being that person. He's trying to lead a normal life now and whilst I can't say he never will relapse he's currently living a normal life.

I'm just upset with it. People love gossip. People find it so easy to judge. To Tear someone to pieces. I fully expected one day my friend would meet him. But now she's made me feel like she's written him off. I just feel she had no right to snoop. Go fishing for information. Go discussing me with men who do not know me. What if it gets back to my friend. How is he supposed to feel?

How would you feel? I do understand people would have seen him when he was poorly and that will be their view on him. But I still feel my friend had no right.

Yes, ‘poorly’ is a tellingly minimising choice of words in the circumstances — the guy was clearly a wildly dysfunctional alcoholic, not someone with a head cold!

Your friend is looking out for you. I think you’re glossing over what these “bad choices” are.

Also it must be an unusual time to get sober. No pubs open for a large majority of the past year, no usual socialising etc. I’d give it quite a bit longer before I’d fully trust in it.

You sound extremely infatuated. I would be worried for your sake too, if I was your friend. She was honest about what she did, and spoke straight to you about it. So I think she really cares for you and worried.

@LolaSmiles

I don't think the OP is coming back somehow.

Probably not.

Do you have previous for forming quick, intense attachments to emotionally unavailable or unsuitable men, @Sunnyshades5?

What about starting threads and disappearing into the ether?

Your friend didn't stir or gossip. She cared about you and gave you what could have been gold (jf this man was not what you trusted him to be)... She gave you the truth, placed it in your hands, so that whatever you were doing you could do with open eyes.
She did this knowing that many people with his background would not be open with you and would be spinning all kinds of lies.

If your friend is indeed all he now says, this is not an issue. And in fact, how your friend would feel about it would be very telling, he knows addict behaviour so would know your friend was wise to look out for you, he might admire and even envy that you have a friend with such loyalty. If he blows his top and bemoans that no-one wants to trust him then he isn't healed enough to get perspective. If he isn't taking things personally (as a level headed wise person would not) then he would know the friend doesn't know him and cares for you and has experience of people who have not managed what he has (he is in the minority).

I think you should feel grateful and less touchy on his behalf. Take a deep breath and count yourself lucky you have met a rare character who is able to break free from addiction (which is a lifelong struggle so he's got a way to go yet, but all credit to him) and a fabulously loyal and caring friends who goes out of her way to look after your interests.

DH Sister is dating an ex drug and alcohol abuser who has been to prison for a very violent crime that left someone permanently disabled. He has been sober for years but I still have zero interest in having anything to do with him. He has hit her as marks were seen on her and she admitted he had, I was there at a big family get together when all this came out. He was not in attendance. I told her she should leave him for her own safety and all that happened was she fell out with me and has been incredibly frosty ever since. All the blood relatives were very much but she loves this guy. DH family are very liberal, love everyone optimists. His Mum, Aunties and me were all talking in the kitchen with her till 4 in the morning. It was one of the most frustrating experiences of my life. I would say they were complicit enablers. She is still with him.

I feel the frustration of some posters, DH sister has a history of attempting to save men and is owed thousands. It’s like she needs a project to validate her existence.

DH sister and the op will always shoot the messenger in these circumstances.

@2Rebecca

If you are posting on a phone or tablet you can't vote, not on apple ones anyway so voting stats are unreliable

I’m on an iPhone and can vote

If you and friend are close, I don't blame your friend.
You say you know his past but she may well have found out something important. Like he takes advantage of women, takes their money etc.
And if the snooping extends to her husband just asking around, that isn't snooping. Some people's reputation goes before them. E.g. in my industry I could name 5 men who are serial shaggers. And married. Not my business but if someone said to me "my mate is seeing him", I would not hesitate to tell them what I know to be true .
You feel uncomfortable because hearing it, whatever it is, from Some one else is uncomfortable.

You've posted about this man before. He had a violent past and I remember worrying about him relapsing and how this would affect the dog mostly, to be honest.

The last time you posted he was being distant from you and not contacting you at certain times of day. You posted asking us why we thought that might be. I suggested maybe he was drinking again. Because there was a pattern to the times that stood out.

I tend to remember these threads because I'm a recovering alcoholic. Your friend is completely in the right and trying to look out for you like a good friend does. How would I feel in your shoes? Probably the same as you - a bit resentful of my friend for exposing the truth I was busily trying to minimise (you minimise EVERYTHING in this thread).

You should be asking yourself why you are choosing to prioritise a new person you hardly know over a friend who (presumably) you've known for ages and who loves and supports you. Your friend is right to be extremely cautious and worried about you going into a relationship with a newly sober addict with a violent past. I don't think you have a clue about what you're getting into to be honest. I'd be worried about you too.

@sammylady37

I think your friend is being understandably cautious about someone with his history, and who clearly has used his skills to charm you. You’re only ‘months and months’ into a ‘close friendship’ and you’re sticking up for him over your best friend. You’ve fallen for his spiel of the reformed addict, who has all the zealousness of reformed addicts, reaching out to help others, available to them at the drop of a hat, rescuing a dog, when in reality he’s sober less than a year and should be focussing on himself and not holding himself up to others as an example of “how to do it”. Let him do that when he’s a decade sober, not mere months.

The best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour. I’d take heed of your friends concerns.

This exactly

@2Rebecca

If you are posting on a phone or tablet you can't vote, not on apple ones anyway so voting stats are unreliable

This is not true.

You can't vote if voting is turned off - I have mine turned off but I can vote on my iPad if I want to.

Don’t be so ridiculous OP.
How is this gossiping?
Your best friend discussed it with her husband and then tells you - and only you - straight.

It’s not like she posted on Facebook that you’ve got a crush on an alky 🙄

I don’t blame your friend... there is absolutely zero need in your post for all the gushy stuff about him. Where’s the relevance in him rescuing a dog? Even the language of that. Did he? Did he rescue a dog? Or do you mean that he got a rescue dog for his own selfish* needs? You have a massive crush on this man, and from one post it’s clear that you’d be likely to make biased and bad decisions about him.

*by selfish I don’t mean that he’s doing anything bad to the dog - just that the motivation is to help himself, so it’s ridiculous to use the language that he is done hero rescuer of animals 🙄

Your friend was gentle and discreet. She is trying to take care of you.

A recovering alcoholic came into my life, as a friendship, two and a half years ago. My other friends kept their distance, and I thought badly of them for it.

When the going was good, it was a great friendship. However, when rock bottom was reached (which it did every 3-4 months) it was awful. Things I cannot say on here happened, and it was just awful.

I have heard everything, promises, plans, buzz words, I have taken her to appointments, listened, been there... sadly what I learnt was nothing would be more important that the relationship with alcohol.

It took lives being lost for me to step away and protect myself.

My friends never said 'I told you so', or anything like that. they just hugged me and helped me to deal with my feelings, and continue to do so.

I have maintained this other friendship, although from a distance and I actively said that I could not be so involved. The other lady has respected this and I really do wish her well.

Of course you want to give someone a chance, it shows what a nice human being you are.

But please, do try to protect yourself and listen to your friend. She sounds like a really good friend.

Sorry OP, but I think there is a good chance your friend knows you, knows you are very naive, and therefore was worried.

Your OP is riddled with red flags that you are happy glossing over or even interpreting as positive signs when they really aren't.

For example, this little cliche; 'he finds it really hard to open up and discuss his past, but he felt safe talking to me.'

This sort of stuff is the oldest manipulative BS in the book. 'No one understands him, he's had such a troubled past, but that's not him, he wants to do better, you make him feel safe'. bla bla bla.

It's just words. Maybe one day, after a much longer period then you have known him now, you will see it's true. But for now, it's just words. Don't just believe everything anyone tells you.

Did her DH ask around for gossip, or did he use his professional role to access files and records?

If the second, well that is very serious.

If the first, it shows how hard it is for people ever to rehabilitate themselves because reputation follows you around and sticks.

But you do sound very wide eyed and amazed and entranced by this man. And as if you love being party of his process.

There is probably a middle ground here. Your friend looking out for you, but also borderline meddling.
You enjoying this man’s company but do look into yourself for signs of saviour syndrome. Would he be as interesting to you without his confessional narrative?

As long as she backed off after she'd had a chat with you. She told you her concerns, now she needs to support you in your choice.

A less good friend might have taken the easy route and not said anything.

Men come and go OP.
Don’t lose a friend like that.

@ApocalypseBiscuits

You've posted about this man before. He had a violent past and I remember worrying about him relapsing and how this would affect the dog mostly, to be honest.

The last time you posted he was being distant from you and not contacting you at certain times of day. You posted asking us why we thought that might be. I suggested maybe he was drinking again. Because there was a pattern to the times that stood out.

I tend to remember these threads because I'm a recovering alcoholic. Your friend is completely in the right and trying to look out for you like a good friend does. How would I feel in your shoes? Probably the same as you - a bit resentful of my friend for exposing the truth I was busily trying to minimise (you minimise EVERYTHING in this thread).

You should be asking yourself why you are choosing to prioritise a new person you hardly know over a friend who (presumably) you've known for ages and who loves and supports you. Your friend is right to be extremely cautious and worried about you going into a relationship with a newly sober addict with a violent past. I don't think you have a clue about what you're getting into to be honest. I'd be worried about you too.

This.

The friend digging sounds like she knows that the app is being love bombed and doesn’t realise (hence minimising).

You’ve fallen for his spiel of the reformed addict, who has all the zealousness of reformed addicts, reaching out to help others, available to them at the drop of a hat, rescuing a dog, when in reality he’s sober less than a year and should be focussing on himself and not holding himself up to others as an example of “how to do it”. Let him do that when he’s a decade sober, not mere months.

This. It's great that he is sober but 'months and months' is not a long time. It's an eye blink. It's years and years of 'bad' him vs months of 'good' him. I'd give cautious support but I wouldn't be investing so much in this friendship. I'd also be wary that he might try and separate you from your friend.

Your friend isn’t gossiping. She is right to warn you. Listen to her.

My Dad was a boozer. When he died he had been sober for around 16 years but my siblings and I never stopped being concerned that he would start drinking again.

OP @Sunnyshades5 please go and do some reading about addiction. You need to make an informed decision about your new friendship not just swallow information from someone who has a vested interest in presenting events in the best possible light.

Look after yourself and don't lose a long term friend over this.

Didn't you post about this man a few months ago?
Either way, my advice is keep your head about you. Keep it in mind that he is newly sober, and for many (most) people coming out of an addiction, the first time isn't always forever.
I say this speaking from the position of knowing quite a few people in recovery,
I know two people who have years of sobriety on their first try, first one was told they had a very small window for change, if they didn't take it, they were going to die. The next time they ended up in hospital they made the decision to get sober. 18 years later hes not had another drink.

Another, fell into drink and drugs and once he gained sobriety in his life, he completely turned things around. He works out for hours a day, eats clean, his whole life is about a healthy lifestyle so his life is so far removed from his old life.

I know someone who was in and out of rehabs for 30 years before finally getting sober. They lost everything and they had to start rebuilding in their late 50s but this time its stuck.

I know someone else who manages 8 months then falls off the wagon. Someone else who makes it past a year, let's their guard down and ends up back in the same cycle.

So, be wary of the fact he can slip back into his addiction, I can understand why your friend was worried.

I think you need to discuss with her that you know everything she has told you, and thanks for caring, but ultimately you're giving him the chance, aware that he could become who he was before, again.
What is your plan if that happens?

Agree that your mate is looking out for you. Proceed with caution OP.

The error is yours I’m afraid. You started the whole gossip thing by telling her he’d had some struggles. This was not your information to share. You’re annoyed at your friend gossiping but this is exactly what you’ve done.
Several months sober is nothing. You sound a little gullible and you’re believing everything that come out of his mouth.