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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wonder how to move on? I want another baby but he doesnt

250 replies

Jenga3000 · 29/01/2021 23:29

Hi,

So after years of me asking to try for another baby my DP of 7 years has told me he doesn’t want another. We have one DS who has just turned 5.

I was always open about wanting 2 children and assumed it was a given, it was just a case of when. But DP has never been able to commit to trying again either way, until recently.

It’s caused a lot of arguments and very painful conversations. I respect his decision but I feel like I’m grieving for the 2nd child I always imagined I’d have. I recently told my DM about it who seemed disappointed and upset for me which hasn’t helped. I just can’t seem to get past it and I don’t know what to do. I never imagine my DS would be an only child and I know he would just adore a sibling.

DP says he made this decision as I was pressuring him to know yes or no to another (which I was tbf, but I had been waiting over 2 years for an answer and it was killing me) so part of me now wonders if he could ever change his mind or if this decision is really how he feels.

I hate what this is doing to us and I don’t really know what to do or how to get past this. I feel guilty for continuing to bring this up and I don’t want to blame him but I can’t help feeling that I’m going to end up resenting him for this.

Anyone been in the same situation? AIBU?

OP posts:

LouiseTrees · 29/01/2021 23:31

What age are you?

Original poster

Jenga3000 · 29/01/2021 23:35

I am almost 30, DP is 42.

OP posts:

LouiseTrees · 29/01/2021 23:42

Hmm based on your age you do have some time to have another once the pandemic has blown over but he’s probably at the age he doesn’t want a young one about and that will just get worse the closer he gets to 50. I think though it’s more of a loss to you than to your child, there is no guarantee siblings will get on at all. Not sure what to advise really. Hopefully someone jumps on the thread to offer wisdom.

12frogsincoats · 29/01/2021 23:45

You're 12 years younger than him and you're not married. If I was you I'd find a new partner closer to my age who does want a baby with you.

Original poster

Jenga3000 · 29/01/2021 23:50

12frogs not married now but we are engaged, and we do have a mortgage together and a five year old son. And I love him and would rather keep my family together if I can, there are no guarantees I would meet someone else who wants a baby. I just don’t know how to get past this, it’s an awful situation. I wish I could either just get over it or that he’d magically change his mind.

OP posts:

mellicauli · 29/01/2021 23:53

He would be 43 when the child was born, 61 when the child turns 18, 64 when he leaves university. I had a 2nd child at 42 and although I wouldn’t swap him for the world and don’t regret it , financially it probably wasn’t a smart move. I ought to be saving for my pension, not uni fees.

But I must say your partner seems a bit lukewarm..2 whole years for an answer , so left it too late, now blaming you for the decision rather than owning it and the hurt it has caused you. Not to mention the longer term lukewarmness of failing to provide you with the public commitment and financial stability of marriage.

I hate to say this, but you are still young. The age gap is going to get worse and worse. This is your life. Maybe you should just go get what you want and if that means finding someone else, so be it. Why settle?

JocastaElastic · 30/01/2021 00:00

I think that given your relatively young age and your desire for another child, you have the chance to decide which one you'd prefer: your husband, or a different husband and an additional baby. Even though that may be a difficult choice, please do remember you have that choice. you can't make your husband change his mind, but you do have control over your reaction to his decision.

riotlady · 30/01/2021 00:04

Can’t believe people are suggesting the OP leave and find someone else! What about the child she already has?

SuperHighway · 30/01/2021 00:05

Does he have other children?

Original poster

Jenga3000 · 30/01/2021 00:08

superhighway no he doesn’t. Just the one with me.

OP posts:

PumpkinPieAlibi · 30/01/2021 00:09

@riotlady - I agree. It would break up a family for a number of unknowns that may never materialise.

Englishgirl9 · 30/01/2021 00:10

Did he say why he doesn't want any more children? That may help you come to terms with it more. I am sorry though, I don't know what I would do in your situation. Does he know how strongly you feel about it i.e. discussed that you have considered leaving over it?

ItsIgginningtolooklikelockdown · 30/01/2021 00:13

He must have given you a reason? Is it financial, some other concern?

Original poster

Jenga3000 · 30/01/2021 00:16

englishgirl9 he said he worries he’s too old, that he doesn’t deal well with stress, and about the financial implications in our family. We are not rich by any means but I’m pretty certain we would manage, although I know the first few years with childcare fees etc would be hard.He’s a pessimist by nature and very reluctant to come out of his comfort zone in a lot of respects, he said he is very scared to take this risk. I flit between thinking he’s a coward to respecting and understanding his decision. I’ve tried to bury it and move on but every time I think about it I am just gutted. It’s a maternal instinct and I don’t think he fully understands. Although I have sobbed my heart out to him and we have had ALOT of arguments conversations about it, I couldn’t really have made it any clearer how hurt I am by it all. I still don’t think he truly understands though.
He’s a fabulous father to our DS btw.

OP posts:

Original poster

Jenga3000 · 30/01/2021 00:16

financial implication on our family

OP posts:

emilyfrost · 30/01/2021 00:19

You assumed it was agiven despite him never committing to another, so yes in that respect YABU. You also pressuring him for an answer wasn’t okay.

NotFabulousDarling · 30/01/2021 00:19

Honestly at 30 if my DP wasn't on the same page about this when I'd been very clear, I'd feel lied to and utterly devastated, I couldn't trust him again. If one of you wants more children and the other doesn't, you're fundamentally incompatible.

Why do you have to change who you are and what you wanted in life to settle for this? He has misled you for years by never being upfront! He never trusted you to tell you his true thoughts on this and it's such an integral part of a relationship. I wouldn't be able to get over this, I'm sorry, I don't even know why it's struck such a nerve with me but it has.

Thewithesarehere · 30/01/2021 00:21

He is likely buying time. Do you have it?

omygoditsearly · 30/01/2021 00:22

Think about what you have. House, child relationship. That is a lot to throw over. I have two children at 3 years apart, at 5 I wouldn't want to start again with babies!
Perhaps look at this the other way, why are you so hung up on having two children that you would throw away your relationship and break up a family? Yes I understand disappointment but at least he has been honest with you and not bought an unwanted child into the world.

Enough4me · 30/01/2021 00:22

He has only just said a definite no. Give it until July (6mth) to sink in & hopefully covid reduced. If you feel as strongly leave him as resentment will pull you apart anyhow.

JocastaElastic · 30/01/2021 00:22

@JocastaElastic

But that said , if I were. you ,( which I obviously am not), I'd probably choose to stay with the partner and child I already had.

Just to clarify, I'm not advocating you leave for the sake of another baby, I'm just pointing out that you have have the power to make that decision if that's what you want.

Original poster

Jenga3000 · 30/01/2021 00:24

emilyfrost I didn’t it was a given. Before we had our DS it was an understanding between us both that we would have another. It was when DS was a baby too, it was only as I started asking when that he wouldn’t commit. He left me dangling with a “I don’t know” for over 2 years and it was making me mentally unwell bit knowing whether I actually would ever have another child like we had planned. I pressured him for answer because he told me last March that after Christmas we would revisit it. I had waited without saying a word about it for 9 months before ‘pressuring’ him. So I realise I had put him through some pressure and stress for a few days, but I needed to know and he clearly wasn’t going to willingly give me a decision.

OP posts:

ItsIgginningtolooklikelockdown · 30/01/2021 00:29

It would be a problem for me that my dh was willing to see me be so unhappy. Would it cause him an equal level of unhappiness if he had another dc? If so, then you're at a stalemate. But I somehow doubt it especially if he enjoys the child he has. I had a dc at his age so I'm surprised a man feels it to be too old. He (both of you in fact) should have discussed this given the age gap between you.

Original poster

Jenga3000 · 30/01/2021 00:32

notfabulous this is how I’m feeling honestly. I am so hurt and I feel like I’ve been lied to. But then I wonder if it’s me who’s being unfair, he seems to think it is.

But then ohmygod I also feel like this too. I don’t want to break up my family. We have a child who is our world, and I don’t want to leave all I have because I want another baby. Although tbh if I do leave it won’t be because I’m in search of a baby daddy, it will be the resentment and hurt that will have broken us. I just wonder how people get past situations like this.

OP posts:

Honeyroar · 30/01/2021 00:33

But his argument about his age and worries are pretty sensible and valid. You’re very much different ages.

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