Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 9 10

Original poster

To wonder how to move on? I want another baby but he doesnt

250 replies

Jenga3000 · 29/01/2021 23:29

Hi,

So after years of me asking to try for another baby my DP of 7 years has told me he doesn’t want another. We have one DS who has just turned 5.

I was always open about wanting 2 children and assumed it was a given, it was just a case of when. But DP has never been able to commit to trying again either way, until recently.

It’s caused a lot of arguments and very painful conversations. I respect his decision but I feel like I’m grieving for the 2nd child I always imagined I’d have. I recently told my DM about it who seemed disappointed and upset for me which hasn’t helped. I just can’t seem to get past it and I don’t know what to do. I never imagine my DS would be an only child and I know he would just adore a sibling.

DP says he made this decision as I was pressuring him to know yes or no to another (which I was tbf, but I had been waiting over 2 years for an answer and it was killing me) so part of me now wonders if he could ever change his mind or if this decision is really how he feels.

I hate what this is doing to us and I don’t really know what to do or how to get past this. I feel guilty for continuing to bring this up and I don’t want to blame him but I can’t help feeling that I’m going to end up resenting him for this.

Anyone been in the same situation? AIBU?

OP posts:

MaMaD1990 · 30/01/2021 06:59

Coming from a place where I don't want another baby but my DP would (although he has accepted I don't want more than 1). He worries about finances, stress levels etc with a second child. You say he won't 'step out of his comfort zone' and things would be hard initially on the finance front. To be honest, that is massively disrespectful towards his very valid views, opinions and worries - he has been honest with you. These are the exact reasons I don't want another child. You think he's willing to see you unhappy, but if he gives in to your demands, you're willing to see him unhappy...do you really think being angry at your DP for making a sensible decision is going to make your relationship or you feel any better? I don't know how you come to terms with this but to be honest, I would sit back and think hard about exactly what you have and be grateful for it. If this isn't something you can get past, do you think you're better off leaving and breaking up the family unit? Will you son understand when he is older that you wanted another child and that's why he didn't have a normal upbringing? As an aside, only children are not these poor little creatures with no social skills or fun in their life because they don't have a sibling. Me and my sibling never got on and we barely speak, nothing is a guarantee and the grass isn't always greener. I'm not saying any of this to be mean, I can just completely understand where your DP is coming from and sympathise with him. It's hard.

Pinkmoon33 · 30/01/2021 07:03

I understand your upset but remember kids grow up and leave home. They will have their own lives and what will be left will be you and your partner to spend your remaining days together. Only leave if the relationship doesn't work and find a way to get over this.

MerryDecembermas · 30/01/2021 07:04

Is he financially worried because you don't work? Or he earns significantly more?

Mybobowler · 30/01/2021 07:08

I really feel for you OP, I'd be heartbroken if my DP drew the line at having a second baby. I think that allowing yourself some time to come to terms with his decision is the best option just now - this is still very raw. Try not to convince yourself that he will change your mind, but instead try to imagine a future where it's just the three of you and see how you feel.

I always told myself that if we couldn't have another baby, our future family life would involve more travel, more hobbies and probably a very spoilt dog. It's not the same as a second child, obviously, but there are upsides to that outcome.

HappyFlamingo · 30/01/2021 07:28

Neither of you are being unreasonable here. Having a child is a huge decision, and it's ok for your DP to decide he only wants one. He should have been honest with you sooner, but maybe he genuinely wasn't completely sure until recently.

I feel for you so much OP - I would be devastated if this happened to me. But you can't force him to have a baby, and personally I wouldn't leave him for this reason if he's otherwise a good partner and dad.

I think the way forward is for you to start trying to reach a position of acceptance. If you really really can't do that, then you should leave him.

emilyfrost · 30/01/2021 07:32

Taking two years to decide was blatantly stringing the OP along, then he uses the excuse of age?

Bookwords Even two years ago he was 40; very rarely do people want to start again with children at that age. As much as we love our children the newborn stage is hard work, even more so when you’re an older parent.

This is one of the problems of an age gap relationship that OP should have taken into consideration.

Why does his needs trump OPs again?

Because it’s unfair to being a child into this world when one parent doesn’t want them.

It is always the case that the parent who doesn’t want another child trumps the one who does.

PurpleFlower1983 · 30/01/2021 07:36

This is a really tough situation and I don’t think there is a right or wrong. Your husband probably did think 2 children would be fine until the reality of having one kicked in and he realised that he wasn’t getting any younger. Young children are hard work and it is harder when you’re older. I think his decision trumps your feelings on this unfortunately but I understand how upsetting it must be. You do have the power to leave but is it worth leaving the happy family unit? I would say probably not.

Original poster

Jenga3000 · 30/01/2021 07:59

No I do work, I earn slightly more than him. He hates his job though and is looking for something else.
Telling him to get the snip wasn’t because I think he should have to have ‘surgery on his body’ as I’ve said I would be gutted if he went and did that. It’s because as another PP said if it’s his decision not to want another then why should it be putting hormones into my body for the next 20 years when I actually want a child?
When I say he doesn’t like to come out of his comfort zone I am talking about lots of different situations which I won’t go into on this thread. He has told me he’s scared, he’s also the same about several other things he would like and so therefore doesn’t try. I’ve drew a parallel with this situation. That’s not to say I don’t think his reasons are valid, they are, completely and as I’ve said I do respect his decision and I’m glad that he finally gave me the decisions so I could try to move on with some closure. The problem is I’m struggling to do that and the fact that it really did take him such a long time, and he actively avoided the conversation and only made the decision under pressure is hurtful.

emilyfrost I did consider the age gap when we met. I was only 22 and him 34, I was quite hung up on it for a while actually. He convinced me it wasn’t an issue and wouldn’t be an issue for us until I trusted him and no longer cared. Now it has come to bite me on the arse.

A few PP’s have mentioned marriage, we are engaged. He proposed to me almost a year ago. We have been to see a venue etc but it’s hard to plan a wedding atm.

OP posts:

DinosaurDiana · 30/01/2021 08:01

You have a choice, him or a baby.
As a person who was denied another child by my DH, I can say that in my experience the longing will never go away and the resentment will eat away at your marriage.

Nearlytherenext · 30/01/2021 08:05

This isn't what you want to hear but...
Whilst I love my second child. I see huge benefits in having just one child. Sometimes I envy my friends who just have one child. I think life these days is so busy and high pressured, that one parent families are the ideal.
There are positives and negatives of both.

user1471462428 · 30/01/2021 08:06

I think things are over for you two

user1471538283 · 30/01/2021 08:09

I can understand how you feel. You have had your dream ripped from you. With a six year age gap it would be like two only children perhaps? In my position I know I couldnt have supported another child the same way.

TeachesOfPeaches · 30/01/2021 08:11

Stop taking the pill and see what happens

Imworthit · 30/01/2021 08:14

@12frogsincoats

You're 12 years younger than him and you're not married. If I was you I'd find a new partner closer to my age who does want a baby with you.

This is a valid option. Kids are a definite deal breaker for me and at around 30 hard decisions need to be made. I used to only want one but a girl I worked with convinced me of the importance of siblings...not for me but for the child. If you were ambivalent I wouldn’t say this but your clearly not.

covetingthepreciousthings · 30/01/2021 08:15

Stop taking the pill and see what happens

This is ridiculous advice.

Imworthit · 30/01/2021 08:17

@TeachesOfPeaches

Stop taking the pill and see what happens

Don’t do this 😂

Weirdwonders · 30/01/2021 08:19

Stop taking the pill and see what happens

Consent is entirely a one way thing for some women isn’t it

Imworthit · 30/01/2021 08:22

Although if you want to, tell him your stopping the pill. You don’t have to put anything in your body.

You’ll know how serious he is by his reaction, using condoms, getting snip etc if it’s what he wants he needs to take control.

Oly4 · 30/01/2021 08:23

I would be devastated and wouldn’t be able to get past this either. Nothing would have taken away my desire for more children. I don’t know where you go from here, I think it would ruin my relationship

Original poster

Jenga3000 · 30/01/2021 08:26

Well to be honest, and I know this adds another side to it but I’m not on the pill, and I haven’t been for the last 5 years! I’m really limited with my options due to family health conditions and have never found one which works for me that I’m allowed to take.
I’m very in tune with my cycle and whilst the ‘pull out’ method isn’t one that I’d be recommending to all the kids, it has worked for us for 5 years. However, the fact that this was our method of choice has always added to the fact that I thought it was a ‘given’ we’d have another child. And that if I ever fell pregnant (obviously a possibility every month) that DP wouldn’t mind.

For him now to say he doesn’t want another contradicts his actions. And he also doesn’t want to get the snip. It’s a headfuck to be honest.

OP posts:

thecognoscenti · 30/01/2021 08:27

@Bodyformforyouuu

I can’t believe people are suggesting breaking up your sons family solely for the purpose of possibly having another child one day. People are allowed to change their mind about having kids, it’s going to massively change their life (I know you already have one but having another much younger will increase the work/costs involved ). He’s not getting younger and is it possible that Covid has been the final straw. Now is not an ideal time so that may affect his thoughts. That’s not to say I don’t have massive amounts of sympathy OP. I do, you must be gutted. I just couldn’t break up my child’s home to create another child. Or not.

All of this. He indicated two kids would be ok before he had one, and knew how hard it was. He's allowed to change his mind. To break up the family on the off chance that you might meet someone else, who might want a kid, that you might be able to have, is so sad. What message will it send your son?

TeachesOfPeaches · 30/01/2021 08:32

@Jenga3000 well is taking big risk considering he is having unprotected sex. Find out when you are most fertile and treat him to lots of shagging. May as well have your baby if you're going to break up anyway rather than waste time tr to be to find someone nee.

YukoandHiro · 30/01/2021 08:35

I agree that this may break you apart anyway, it's not about leaving to have another child with someone else, it's that you may hurt so much that you resent him and your love ebbs away.

You're young enough and it's a crap time to be pregnant anyway (I had a baby in the autumn and the whole pregnancy ana birth was scary, even when cases were low). Give it a few months and then talk to him again about how you feel. Explain that it may be something that you can't get over.

CeeCee2021 · 30/01/2021 08:36

Op i have been in your position
A couple of years ago wheni was 28/29 and had a 2/3 year old i was all consumed by having another baby and dh was not on the same page at all

It was awful i felt completely heartbroken resentful crushed. Even though 2 kids was never the plan as I myself had always said I would only have 1! Dh got sousd to thos and started planning pur life around one kid we had bought a much bigger house that needed some renovations etc

So anyway i did get some unhelpful advice such as leave him and find someone else (sis) and if you really wanted a baby youd have one (dm) but
1 hes a great man and great dad why would I leave what is a great marriage overall and real financial and mental load partnership to potentially find a sperm donor who doesnt match up to dh in any other way apart from wants a baby with me

2 i absolutely was not going to trick dh into having a baby then trust would be gone in our relationship for good

Im now 31. Got a puppy. Have a 5 year old got a new job kept myself busy with housework and the feeling did pass
I am on same page as dh looking forward to all the great things we will di together and with dc once lockdown over

It took time and if I'm honest a conscious effort to get over it but I did amd I am genuinely ok and happy!

Original poster

Jenga3000 · 30/01/2021 08:36

teachesofpeaches you’re being sarcastic yes? I don’t want to end my relationship I want to get past this but I’m struggling.

nearlythere It is actually what I want to hear to be honest - hearing the positives of just having one child may help me.

I agree with what most PP’s have said. I don’t want to break up my family to go and find someone else to have a child with. I wanted a baby no 2 with my DP. It’s the resentment that I fear will grow that I’m worried will tear us apart, not my desire to go out and find someone else.

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 9 10

Swipe left for the next trending thread