To wonder how to move on? I want another baby but he doesnt

[Jenga3000]

Hi,

So after years of me asking to try for another baby my DP of 7 years has told me he doesn’t want another. We have one DS who has just turned 5.

I was always open about wanting 2 children and assumed it was a given, it was just a case of when. But DP has never been able to commit to trying again either way, until recently.

It’s caused a lot of arguments and very painful conversations. I respect his decision but I feel like I’m grieving for the 2nd child I always imagined I’d have. I recently told my DM about it who seemed disappointed and upset for me which hasn’t helped. I just can’t seem to get past it and I don’t know what to do. I never imagine my DS would be an only child and I know he would just adore a sibling.

DP says he made this decision as I was pressuring him to know yes or no to another (which I was tbf, but I had been waiting over 2 years for an answer and it was killing me) so part of me now wonders if he could ever change his mind or if this decision is really how he feels.

I hate what this is doing to us and I don’t really know what to do or how to get past this. I feel guilty for continuing to bring this up and I don’t want to blame him but I can’t help feeling that I’m going to end up resenting him for this.

Anyone been in the same situation? AIBU?

He's very selfish.

He convinced the OP that the age gap was not a problem.
He's strung her along because of that age difference for the past couple of years.

OP, by all means try and move forward, but he is a very very selfish man who has put everything HE wanted ahead of you and what's best for you.

Believe me, you are so young at 30 with so many choices, but you will look back on this as an older woman with a far more critical and cynical eye.

He chased after a very young woman but is determined that he restricts your fertility during your youth.

He does not deserve to be your priority.

His priority is HIM, and everything on his terms.

How will you feel in even 10 years time and he is in his 50's and even more negative and you have given up your chance.🙄

You are giving up far too much for a man who is all about what he wants.

tigger001 I feel like I’ve addressed the points you’ve raised a lot now. He actively avoided a conversation for years because he doesn’t deal well with awkward conversations. He kept putting it off - it’s not the same as just not knowing. I waited patiently and he never would’ve given me an answer if I hadn’t have pressured him, he would’ve just hoped it didn’t crop up again. I know that, because I know him very well.

I don’t think that’s sensible. But I do want to move past this, no he didn’t do it maliciously, he knows he has gone about this the wrong way, he has apologised and said he feels terrible (on the day that he told me).

And I’ve said I told him to get the snip (albeit in anger) because I don’t feel that I should be responsible for contraception when I desperately want a child, and he doesn’t. It would be the right thing to do. I’d be upset about it because I am upset we won’t have another child and would solidify that fact. I am allowed to have feelings about it.

I agree with your stance that if hes not letting it be a joint choice how many dcs you have, then it stops being a joint responsibility to avoid them. Make it clear the snip or condoms, its down to him now, but you won't make any effort to avoid pregnancy and won't have an abortion if he doesn't bother with making an effort to avoid pregnancy.

Its not tricking him or trapping him if you have been clear.

Its OK to be angry and upset for days / weeks / months about this. Its shitty and you don't need to limit your upset about it just because you have one happy healthy child.

I'm in the same position as you - although a lot older so I think nature is about to make it impossible - and I'm waiting to see if the change in hormones takes away some of the longing/grieving.

I just keep reminding myself that that urge is pure hormones and life is so unpredictable that it wouldn't necessarily be the perfect scenario that I imagine. I try to focus on all the good things I have right now with my one DD.

I think there will be lots of dog-children in my future!

@Jenga3000

It would be a problem for me that my dh was willing to see me be so unhappy.

This is what is hurting me most tbh. I think if he was more understanding and empathetic of how hurt I am maybe it would be better? I don’t know. He seems to think because he’s given me my answer now that’s it’s over with but for me it’s really not.

Bit of an impasse - but having had one child, your partner has decided that a second would make him stressed/unhappy. You're not prepared to accept that?

I think him “ convincing her the age difference” is if no bearing to the situation. Unless we’re saying OP is just a feeble woman unable to make her own mind? OP decided to continue this relationship and have a child with this man of her own volition.

He is not selfish to not want a child. Op is not selfish to want a child.

EveryDayIsADuvetDay have you RTFT and all my other responses? The whole point of my post was to ask for way to get past this. Clearly I want to accept it. I’ve never once said I am trying to change his mind.

He actively avoided a conversation for years because he doesn’t deal well with awkward conversations.

Not being able to discuss major issues with your partner isn't a sign of a great relationship.

Are you sure he's not dictating this dialogue, by refusing to engage? Clearly, you wanted to engage, but refusing to talk about it is almost taking charge of the whole situation, in a way thats very unfair for the other person in the relationship.

Doing so has no negative implications for him, but lots for you.

tbh the whole relationship sounds like a win-win situation for him.

I suspect he probably didn’t say anything in the hope you would stop wanting another baby because he didn’t want to definitely say no through fear of you ending things.

I suppose it depends how much you want a baby and how much you feel he has deceived you or strung you along. If you don’t think your relationship will last anyway, then tell him you are going to have another baby via a sleek donor and leave it to him to leave. Unless what you actually want isn’t another baby but another partner, marriage, settled home and baby combined. Then you need to leave and find him.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

I was in your shoes many years ago, OP. I’ve always wanted 4 but DH didn’t so we had settled on 2. When DD was 2-3, I brought up the subject and DH said he didn’t want another one - coincidentally he was also 42, thought he was too old etc. I was gutted but after grieving for a bit I put head over heart and decided I loved my husband and my family more than the idea of having more children. Got a couple of cats a few years later. DD is now 11, have never actually wanted a sibling (though her friends all seem to have brothers and fight a lot so that is probably why) and we truly happy as a family of three.

@tywysoges that is a lovely story - thank you for sharing that. I am an only child myself and I do feel bad about not giving my (very sociable!) little boy a sibling. But I’m an old crone now in any event (even if the PND wasn’t an issue). Fortunately, my H is understanding and is also happy with just the 3 of us.

I don’t think that’s sensible
It is obviously sensible if he doesn't want one, and he feels he would be too old, to not have one.

And I’ve said I told him to get the snip (albeit in anger) because I don’t feel that I should be responsible for contraception when I desperately want a child, and he doesn’t. It would be the right thing to do. I’d be upset about it because I am upset we won’t have another child and would solidify that fact. I am allowed to have feelings about it.

Of course you are allowed feelings about him going through that, but it wasn't really clear to me wether you actually wanted it to happen or you just said it out of anger.
So I see now you actually do want him to do it. (it would be extremely unfair if you were to hold this against him though and resent him for it, not that I'm saying you will, just if you did )

I think if I were him, I would not be rushing off to get the snip if you were still deliberating on staying with him or not

I hope you can move past it if that's what you want, resentment is difficult to get rid of though, but I hope it all works out for you.

And I’ve said I told him to get the snip (albeit in anger) because I don’t feel that I should be responsible for contraception when I desperately want a child, and he doesn’t. It would be the right thing to do. I’d be upset about it because I am upset we won’t have another child and would solidify that fact. I am allowed to have feelings about it.

I did the exact same thing when my husband kept saying we couldn’t have a 3rd baby. I called his bluff and told him that if he was so adamant he didn’t want anymore children then he should go and get the snip!

One day I got a text off him which said,

“Guess what I’m having done next week?”

I asked him what...

He replied with an single emoticon of a pair of scissors.

I said, “You’re getting your hair cut?”

When I finally clicked I felt devastated and I thought to myself, “I’ve got a week to either change his mind or to get pregnant!”

But to be honest, once he’d had it done it really helped me to move on and accept that I wasn’t going to get a third child. All the longing and upset just faded away.

And it was also very amusing putting all the numbing cream and plasters on his bald penis and testicles

Our 6 year old was very intrigued by it all

@Piglet89 thank you

Reading back what I wrote, it sounds like one day I just decided what to do and forgot about it all, but truth is it was a process of making that choice everyday, one day at a time. Therapy can help if you’re struggling, OP. It’s not easy but I don’t regret the choice I made.

Tigger001

I think if I were him, I would not be rushing off to get the snip if you were still deliberating on staying with him or not

Why - in case he wants a child with someone else?

@Tigger001 so he has another child with another woman but not with his current partner?

If he were my DP and he said he wouldn't get a snip in case I left him and he wanted to have options of another child, I'd kick him into touch!

No, nothing to do with having more children.
He clearly doesnt want have the procedure, so why on earth should he, if she is going to leave anyway.

@tigger001 shame he won't use condone then and OP had previously blend with hormonal contraception. You can almost hear the patter of little feet 👶.

I have been in your position OP over a hypothetical third child which I always wanted but he didn't. He strung me along for years with maybes despite always knowing that he didn't want another. In the end I gave him an ultimatum. I wanted a third child but I also wanted to get my career back on track. Our youngest was about to start school so I said to him that I wanted this, but could get past it if he didn't. What I wasn't willing to accept was more "maybe", or "shall we talk about it next year". He immediately said he didn't want another child, which is how I knew he had always felt that way. His reason, that he thought it would be too much hard work, had me seeing red. He knew how much I hated being pregnant, he knew that it would be me continuing to lose sleep for years, work part time and do the lion's share of that work, yet he's so fucking lazy and self centered that he couldn't consider that if I was willing to do it all again I might REALLY want that child.

Honestly, it has taken me a long time to get over it. Literally years. I was (and still am sometimes) very resentful that his wants trump mine, but as posted upthread, it just wouldn't have been fair for my wants to trump his. I grieved that child, and I still picture them as part of my family sometimes.

I don't have anything to recommend other than giving it time. It's hard. Honestly if we'd been having that conversation after one child rather than two it would have been even harder.

@ouchmyfeet

I have been in your position OP over a hypothetical third child which I always wanted but he didn't. He strung me along for years with maybes despite always knowing that he didn't want another. In the end I gave him an ultimatum. I wanted a third child but I also wanted to get my career back on track. Our youngest was about to start school so I said to him that I wanted this, but could get past it if he didn't. What I wasn't willing to accept was more "maybe", or "shall we talk about it next year". He immediately said he didn't want another child, which is how I knew he had always felt that way. His reason, that he thought it would be too much hard work, had me seeing red. He knew how much I hated being pregnant, he knew that it would be me continuing to lose sleep for years, work part time and do the lion's share of that work, yet he's so fucking lazy and self centered that he couldn't consider that if I was willing to do it all again I might REALLY want that child.

Honestly, it has taken me a long time to get over it. Literally years. I was (and still am sometimes) very resentful that his wants trump mine, but as posted upthread, it just wouldn't have been fair for my wants to trump his. I grieved that child, and I still picture them as part of my family sometimes.

I don't have anything to recommend other than giving it time. It's hard. Honestly if we'd been having that conversation after one child rather than two it would have been even harder.

You are some woman to have gotten over such calculated selfishness.

I am an unforgiving person clearly....because I would never forgive this.

Neither of you ABU but he should have been honest with you 2 years ago. You would have appreciated the baby years more knowing its the only time you'd be doing it.

I know lots of people older than you who had second or third dc by accident when DH had said no. It's not like you are making much effort with contraception so I wouldn't throw out baby gear yet!!

He needs to get the snip. I feel strongly that if a man does not want another child, he needs to be responsible and get the snip. It’s free and a very quick procedure - I see no reason why a man who doesn’t want a child would not be sorting this out ASAP.

Not getting the snip or using contraception puts you in the very uncomfortable position of potentially getting pregnant with a child he does not want.

*tigger001 shame he won't use condone then and OP had previously blend with hormonal contraception. You can almost hear the patter of little feet 👶.

Condoms are not 100% either, you can still get pregnant as you can being in the pill, but yes if they plan on staying together and the OP can get past the resentment, he should get the snip, not if they are splitting though.

You have a child. You could count your blessings and look for other sources of fulfillment, enjoy the luxury of raising one child well and the gift of having time and energy for other things- your relationship, friendships, your career, interests and passions beyond parenthood.

Agree with @OliverBabish - you need to tell him that there is absolutely no way you're terminating an accident (that would be far too much to ask of you, not a "compromise") so if he feels very strongly about it he needs to get the snip