To wonder how to move on? I want another baby but he doesnt

[Jenga3000]

Hi,

So after years of me asking to try for another baby my DP of 7 years has told me he doesn’t want another. We have one DS who has just turned 5.

I was always open about wanting 2 children and assumed it was a given, it was just a case of when. But DP has never been able to commit to trying again either way, until recently.

It’s caused a lot of arguments and very painful conversations. I respect his decision but I feel like I’m grieving for the 2nd child I always imagined I’d have. I recently told my DM about it who seemed disappointed and upset for me which hasn’t helped. I just can’t seem to get past it and I don’t know what to do. I never imagine my DS would be an only child and I know he would just adore a sibling.

DP says he made this decision as I was pressuring him to know yes or no to another (which I was tbf, but I had been waiting over 2 years for an answer and it was killing me) so part of me now wonders if he could ever change his mind or if this decision is really how he feels.

I hate what this is doing to us and I don’t really know what to do or how to get past this. I feel guilty for continuing to bring this up and I don’t want to blame him but I can’t help feeling that I’m going to end up resenting him for this.

Anyone been in the same situation? AIBU?

Ah seen your update r.e contraception

See I was on the coil so not as simple as just stopping pill

Dh is planning on getting a vasectomy in the next year and I feel fine about it all so I am out the other end

100 per cent it's the snip if he wants to stay with you.

You need to tell him there's no way you can compromise on both your desire for a child AND the burden of contraception for 20 years.

He's very trusting because a lot of women in your position would "forget" to take the pill.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all. As PPs have said, you should make it clear to him that contraception is his responsibility and as from x date you’ll be stopping the pill.

I also don’t think that 42 is that old. I will have 3 under 5 by the time I’m that age.

It’s so tough if you aren’t on the same page about nos of children. I wasn’t sure I wanted any, and we needed IVF to have one. But DH really wanted to be a dad. I wouldn’t be without my DD now and the urge to expand our family and give her a sibling was somehow stronger than starting one, so I get it.

It’s a really tough one. He shouldn’t be forced into having a child he doesn’t want but you also shouldn’t be forced to accept having no more. I think there may be some difficult discussions to have.

CeeCee that’s a really positive story, I’m really glad you are happy now and it worked out. I hope I can be the same.

I have said since he’s said this that we need to get a dog and he did agree tbf, although I think it’s because he wasn’t really in a position to say no after breaking my heart with the baby thing! We have a very lovely and loving house cat, but having a more hyper soul to match my hyper 5 year old would be good.

What ever his reason I think it is wrong to conceive a child when you know your partner doesn't want it. You will create the ultimate resentment and an unhappy family. You have 3 options

-ignore his wishes and do it anyway but be prepared to suffer the consequences
-accept his wishes and move on with the family you have
-if your desire to have a child outweighs your desire for the second option and would creat resentment in you then leave.

@Jenga3000

Well to be honest, and I know this adds another side to it but I’m not on the pill, and I haven’t been for the last 5 years! I’m really limited with my options due to family health conditions and have never found one which works for me that I’m allowed to take. I’m very in tune with my cycle and whilst the ‘pull out’ method isn’t one that I’d be recommending to all the kids, it has worked for us for 5 years. However, the fact that this was our method of choice has always added to the fact that I thought it was a ‘given’ we’d have another child. And that if I ever fell pregnant (obviously a possibility every month) that DP wouldn’t mind.

For him now to say he doesn’t want another contradicts his actions. And he also doesn’t want to get the snip. It’s a headfuck to be honest.

if it’s his decision not to want another then why should it be putting hormones into my body for the next 20 years when I actually want a child?

So what was this comment then if there's no hormonal contraception you can safely take? You won't be putting hormones into your body for any years.

I think you're expecting too much of yourself to already feel ok about something that's only just happened and will take a bit of time to process and grieve.

Resentment is not the natural result here, but if you don't allow yourself to feel your emotions and work through them in their own time then that's where anger and resentment can fester.

Even people who love us can make mistakes or do things that inadvertently cause us pain. It doesn't make them bad people, it just shows they're human.

I think the age thing on his side isn't a major factor - he will absolutely be working into his 70s, there's no point pretending that anyone in our generation won't be.

My view is probably coloured by the fact that there's a similar age gap between me and my DH and we've just had our second - he's 50 (same situation, no previous children)

-ignore his wishes and do it anyway but be prepared to suffer the consequences
-accept his wishes and move on with the family you have
-if your desire to have a child outweighs your desire for the second option and would creat resentment in you then leave.

As per above, it’s your decision.
I never had any children, but if a partner wanted a child, I would probably be okay with that, but if a partner somehow got pregnant, behind my back so to speak, that’s a massive trust issue, and would certainly end the relationship,

I think the age gap is the deciding factor here in why you are both in different places to make a decision about another baby.

I’m 42 and there’s no way on earth I would want another baby now, I’m looking to spend the next ten years working hard and providing for my family and future retirement. It’s a time in my life that instead of living in the moment you are looking to the future and the decisions you make now will affect that.

There’s nothing wrong with you wanting another baby it’s totally normal and had you done it two years ago when you first mentioned it then that would have been the best time. With hindsight it’s pretty clear he only wanted one child. You have to decide whether you are happy with what you have now, he’s not going to change his mind

Surely if he's so adamant he would be using condoms/getting the snip? He must know that the withdrawal method of contraception isn't a reliable method? He sounds very selfish - he doesn't want another child but won't bear the responsibility of any form of contraception.

So what was this comment then if there's no hormonal contraception you can safely take? You won't be putting hormones into your body for any years.

There are a few options I can safely take, and I have in the past, however they don’t work for me as they massively impact my moods etc. The ones that don’t I am not allowed to take as they have oestrogen in. But now that DP has definitively said he doesn’t want another it would seem we need to take proper precautions - hence this comment.

Given the situation is what it is and you don't want to break up, have you thought about therapy to help you move past this? Both individual and couples? Before anyone starts I'm not suggesting this because I think something is 'wrong' with you, but it may help for you both to air your differences in a safe space and get some advice on how you can both deal with it all

I have been through a very similar experience. I started to get extremely emotional eventually he agreed. I couldn’t enjoy the time with my 4 year old.My baby is here now and we couldn’t be happier. It was a very stressful time. I was considering splitting up my family as I just was devastated but now I am content and so is he thank goodness.

@12frogsincoats

You're 12 years younger than him and you're not married. If I was you I'd find a new partner closer to my age who does want a baby with you.

Yeah, turn your existing child’s life upside down while you look for another man who does want a baby. Great idea.

for you grapes, that sounds so tough.

Hi OP

I'd feel the same. I had a situation where my husband wasnt keen on another and I was. In the end he changed his mind however I think this was more to please me than because he wanted to and I did spend tbe first couple of years of my second childs life worried that he didnt love them as much as the first one (I don't any more). In hindsight I was also so blinded by my need for another baby that I didnt really take in the practical concerns that he had, which were extremely valid and did almost end up breaking me when the second was small.

Anyway he was always open about his thoughts and feelings. And I wouldn't have left him if hed refused. But what I'd have struggled with in your situation was 1. Being strung along for the last 5 years. You've had 5 years of thinking this was a possibility. He cant have been mulling it over all that time. He has known something that will affect your whole life for ages and not bothered to tell you. That seems unnecessarily cruel. Why has he strung you along? Can he not face up to difficult conversations? I'd find that hard to forgive. And 2. The age thing could have been looked at if he had brought his worries out in the open years ago, you could have had one close together when he would still have been in his 30s. He has contributed to his own concerns. 3. The lack of empathy. He has changed what youd agreed about children (which is his right to do) after you believed your life was going down a certain path for all these years, he can surely see you're devastated if you've been crying etc yet he thinks that should be the end of it because he has made a decision? Well it took him long enough to make the decision but he expects you to accept it instantly and without emotion? That seems a bit cold

MaMaD I have considered and suggested therapy before. DP struggles to open up and I know it’s n it what he’d want to do, I think if I insisted and/or arranged it he’d go though. He’d have to really wouldn’t he if I was suggesting it to try and get past his decision for the good of our family.

Grapes that really does sound awful, hoping everything goes okay for you

If he doesn't want another he should wear condoms and have the snip. He has been sending you mixed messages for years.
Do you think the engagement is real or stringing you along?

FFS your points 1,2 & 3 are exactly how I am feeling to a tee. He does struggle with communicating and having difficult conversations. This is what I’m hurt by, I feel misled although I know he’s every right to change his mind. But it’s the lack of understanding and empathy that him changing his mind should automatically mean I’m able to get over it quickly. And using the age thing as a reason when he is only getting older is also frustrating for me.

All this being said though I do to get past this. I don’t want to break up our family, I wish it would either go away and I’d get over it or that he would change his mind. I realise though that this might not happen.

Yanbu. Bear in mind though you have a loving family now, breaking it up will mean less time with your child ( your partner will want to spend time with him away from you)and no guarantee of a sibling. Plus even if you do find someone there will be a minimum of a 7 year age gap between siblings.

I know how you feel though, I felt so broody for my 3rd.

Imagine the scenario where you get what you want. Just because you want your way.

How many years from now will it be before that child feels the resentment from its father than he didn't want them but you did.

Getting over your difficult feelings now is the kinder and maturer option than inflicting any possible resentment on a theoretical child.

He doesn't want to hit restart, he is 5 years closer to having an adult child. He is a great father so you have proof he is a good and selfless man.

It hurts, I get that and not how you thought it would pan out. But now you can offer your son A life without compromise, he will always be first .

You have a good man and you love each other. Do you really want to risk it all?

Getting over your difficult feelings now is the kinder and maturer option than inflicting any possible resentment on a theoretical child.

This is what I’m trying to do. I haven’t once said I want to force DP into having a child he doesn’t want ‘just to get my own way’. I’ve said a few times I respect his decision. But I am hurt, and I’m struggling to come to terms with it and get rid of my own maternal desire for another child that I always believed I had.

I haven’t said I want to break up my family either, I’ve said I dont want to do that.

If he doesn’t deal with stress well, that’s a good reason to not have another. 2 children is a completely different ball game to 1. Plus could be multiples, could have special needs or a disability which can be very difficult to cope with.

I would go to counseling and see how you can make peace with this.

I don't get why you think your world is ending because you won't have a second child? You've got a beautiful DS already. I was an only child to my mum and it was great. My dad was 40 when I was born and honestly in my late 20s and wondering if he'll still be around when I'm 30, if he'll meet my child/ren, will they remember him. Is a second child really the be all and end all?