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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder how to move on? I want another baby but he doesnt

250 replies

Jenga3000 · 29/01/2021 23:29

Hi,

So after years of me asking to try for another baby my DP of 7 years has told me he doesn’t want another. We have one DS who has just turned 5.

I was always open about wanting 2 children and assumed it was a given, it was just a case of when. But DP has never been able to commit to trying again either way, until recently.

It’s caused a lot of arguments and very painful conversations. I respect his decision but I feel like I’m grieving for the 2nd child I always imagined I’d have. I recently told my DM about it who seemed disappointed and upset for me which hasn’t helped. I just can’t seem to get past it and I don’t know what to do. I never imagine my DS would be an only child and I know he would just adore a sibling.

DP says he made this decision as I was pressuring him to know yes or no to another (which I was tbf, but I had been waiting over 2 years for an answer and it was killing me) so part of me now wonders if he could ever change his mind or if this decision is really how he feels.

I hate what this is doing to us and I don’t really know what to do or how to get past this. I feel guilty for continuing to bring this up and I don’t want to blame him but I can’t help feeling that I’m going to end up resenting him for this.

Anyone been in the same situation? AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
Jenga3000 · 30/01/2021 00:35

It would be a problem for me that my dh was willing to see me be so unhappy.

This is what is hurting me most tbh. I think if he was more understanding and empathetic of how hurt I am maybe it would be better? I don’t know. He seems to think because he’s given me my answer now that’s it’s over with but for me it’s really not.

OP posts:
Nogardenersworld · 30/01/2021 00:40

Did he make the decision to spite you or be controlling
‘He made this decision as I was pressuring him’

So it’s your fault he made that decision?

Tell him you’re having another baby, he can be the dad or not

If you break up in 10 years, and you can’t have kids anymore, how would you feel?

If he then had a child with someone else, how would you feel?

He doesn’t have a time limit like you, it’s all very well for him to keep you waiting and waiting and then decide it doesn’t suit him anymore

omygoditsearly · 30/01/2021 00:40

OP life is a balance. What is it that makes you so set on DC2? Try and frame it in terms of life aspirations, work, holidays, retirement. By the time dc2 is 20 your DH would be mid 60s. Your DH is not trying to hurt you, he just has a different aspiration perhaps try to understand that too.

Bythemillpond · 30/01/2021 00:42

I think it is a either coming to terms with only have a single child or if you want another and would be upset and are resenting him for keeping you dangling then whether it is in 5 days, 5 months or 5 years that resentment will grow and your marriage will be over. The longer you leave it the more resentment you will feel. Suppose you feel the same in 15 years time. Do you think your marriage will survive.

lioncitygirl · 30/01/2021 00:44

So he just bought time by not giving you an answer for two years, then when he finally did he was two years older so that became a factor too? Wow.

omygoditsearly · 30/01/2021 00:44

@Nogardenersworld
That's a horrible ultimatum to put to someone - awful. Its about as controlling ad it gets. The op and dp need to de-escalate not ratchet up.

Nogardenersworld · 30/01/2021 00:46

[quote omygoditsearly]@Nogardenersworld
That's a horrible ultimatum to put to someone - awful. Its about as controlling ad it gets. The op and dp need to de-escalate not ratchet up.[/quote]
I was being a bit facetious
I would obviously not say that to my partner
But also ultimately she does need to decide if she wants a baby more than she wants to be with him, as it looks like that’s the option

Midlilfecrisis37 · 30/01/2021 00:56

Look into the financial worries together and talk again

Aquamarine1029 · 30/01/2021 00:59

Your partner didn't lie to you, he changed his mind which he is absolutely entitled to do. If you can't live with that, then you will have to break up your family for a non-existent child that you may never have anyway.

UnderperformingSeal · 30/01/2021 01:00

Before we had our DS it was an understanding between us both that we would have another.

He had no children at that point and no experience of what it's like. Now he's been round the block once, he doesn't want to go round it again, much less at 42, and he's put off committing that way to you because he knew it would break your heart. But at some point he had to.

Original poster
Jenga3000 · 30/01/2021 01:03

underperformingseal I think you’ve hit the nail on the head there tbh.

OP posts:
UnderperformingSeal · 30/01/2021 01:14

I feel for you both.

ItsIgginningtolooklikelockdown · 30/01/2021 01:26

I think if you are only able to commit to one dc due to your age you should have that conversation with your much younger partner before you have a dc. Thirty is very young to know you won't have another child, when you want to, it's years and years of contraception for one thing. Is he putting his money where his mouth is and getting the snip?

Original poster
Jenga3000 · 30/01/2021 01:34

I have actually told him to get the snip (albeit in anger - I’d be gutted if he did) but he isn’t keen! Surprise surprise.

OP posts:
Pyewhacket · 30/01/2021 01:37

To be honest I’m 43 and the thought of having another child at my age makes me shudder. I’m also of the opinion that having a child is one of those things , like marriage, that you really have to be 100% sure it’s what you want. If you’re in two minds, don’t do it. My only advice is to concentrate on the family you have.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 30/01/2021 01:56

@Jenga3000

I have actually told him to get the snip (albeit in anger - I’d be gutted if he did) but he isn’t keen! Surprise surprise.
Fairly straightforward to tell him you don't plan on being on the pill for the next 16 yrs when you desperately want another child? So if he's quite sure..
TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 30/01/2021 01:57

Or you could suggest that you get married this summer since you won't be pregnant. One way to test whether it's a commitment issue...

rosiejaune · 30/01/2021 02:07

Yes it will take time to grieve the child you won't have. Potentially years. But you won't always feel like this.

I am fine with it now, and in fact I can see the positive side of it too. We have a similar age gap (though that wasn't the reason for not having a second child).

jacks11 · 30/01/2021 02:38

Both paren6s should want a child. The one who does not (prior to conception) has the final say. I understand you are hurt, but changing his mind is not the same thing as deliberate deceit. I think he should have told you as soon as he was sure he did not want any further children though. I am guessing he didn’t because he knew how you’d react- not that this excuses his not telling you sooner. He does have valid reasons though.

Only you can decide if your desire for a second child is enough to end your relationship. If you do, there is no guarantee of a new relationship with more children, although it is a possibility when right now it is not. it’s up to you whether what you have is worth more than the dream of a potential 2nd child.

You can say that you are not willing to sort contraception anymore (if you aren’t)- so his job to sort, either condoms or consider vasectomy.

Bodyformforyouuu · 30/01/2021 05:25

I can’t believe people are suggesting breaking up your sons family solely for the purpose of possibly having another child one day. People are allowed to change their mind about having kids, it’s going to massively change their life (I know you already have one but having another much younger will increase the work/costs involved ). He’s not getting younger and is it possible that Covid has been the final straw. Now is not an ideal time so that may affect his thoughts. That’s not to say I don’t have massive amounts of sympathy OP. I do, you must be gutted. I just couldn’t break up my child’s home to create another child. Or not.

DeeCeeCherry · 30/01/2021 05:51

You're not married, he doesn't want another child, he doesn't want a vasectomy. Despite some pp's speaking as if you're the one pressuring this man, I think his indecisiveness/unwillingness in several quarters puts strain on you actually.

& It's all very well for him to change his mind about another baby but you'd discussed a 2nd at the outset and he has a 30 year old partner 12 years younger than him. Entirely possible you'd want more than 1 child, and he knows it. Then to dither for 2 YEARS before giving you his final answer...

& Actually why won't he have a vasectomy? In your shoes I'd want to know, as that doesn't correlate with him not wanting another child does it? It's also selfish.

I hope you get over your resentment, as you seem to want the relationship. Equally I hope 10 years down the line you're not looking back in sadness over not having had another child.

It's a really difficult situation but whatever you decide, good luck.

jimmyjammy001 · 30/01/2021 06:11

Unfortunately now that you have got children you will find it alot harder to find another partner who is child free, if you didn't allready haver kids with him I would say find someone nearer your own age so that your both on the same page in life, there are plenty of blokes in their 30s without kids looking for someone who hasn't allready had kids, surely when you decided to have kids he you discussed how many you would both like to have? If he said just the one then that would have of been the time to have of walked away.

emilyfrost · 30/01/2021 06:36

@Jenga3000

I have actually told him to get the snip (albeit in anger - I’d be gutted if he did) but he isn’t keen! Surprise surprise.
Just because he doesn’t want another child doesn’t mean he should have to have surgery on his body.

He can quite happily not want more yet still not want a vasectomy, and why should he? It’s his body, his choice.

The person who doesn’t want a child always trumps the one who does, because it’s bringing another life into this world and it’s not okay to force/pressure/cajole someone into having a child they ultimately don’t want. Nor is it fair on the child to have a parent who has actively said they didn’t want them. It’s not a movie set where they’ll love the as soon as they see them and realise they were wrong all along.

You either have to get past the anger/bitterness/resentment or you break up your sons family on the small chance you’ll find someone else in a short time who’ll want another baby.

Personally I think it would be quite selfish and unfair on your existing child to do this as you would be putting your wants above their needs.

He’s allowed to change his mind, especially since this was an “understanding” you would have two before you even had one and had no idea what a child would be like.

Bookwords · 30/01/2021 06:55

@emilyfrost you talk complete and utter twaddle! On every bloody thread.

Taking two years to decide was blatantly stringing the OP along, then he uses the excuse of age?

Why does his needs trump OPs again?

So you suggest that she stays in a potentially unhappy relationship, where she's been strung along for two years. Because she doesn't have the right to have her own feelings on what's happened.

The msn knew two years ago he didn't want another child, he just didn't bother to tell his partner that.

I'm sorry OP no easy answer but I can understand your feelings.

Oneweekleft · 30/01/2021 06:57

I can understand your hurt but i think now your son is 5 he probably wont massively benefit from a sibling as it'll be a large age difference. Its better for your son to have a father than another sibling. It depends on whether you can forgive your dh for not being upfront with you and his lack of empathy. Its a tough one. It probably is part and parcel of being with an older man though and you did know his age at the start.

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