To wonder how to move on? I want another baby but he doesnt

[Jenga3000]

Hi,

So after years of me asking to try for another baby my DP of 7 years has told me he doesn’t want another. We have one DS who has just turned 5.

I was always open about wanting 2 children and assumed it was a given, it was just a case of when. But DP has never been able to commit to trying again either way, until recently.

It’s caused a lot of arguments and very painful conversations. I respect his decision but I feel like I’m grieving for the 2nd child I always imagined I’d have. I recently told my DM about it who seemed disappointed and upset for me which hasn’t helped. I just can’t seem to get past it and I don’t know what to do. I never imagine my DS would be an only child and I know he would just adore a sibling.

DP says he made this decision as I was pressuring him to know yes or no to another (which I was tbf, but I had been waiting over 2 years for an answer and it was killing me) so part of me now wonders if he could ever change his mind or if this decision is really how he feels.

I hate what this is doing to us and I don’t really know what to do or how to get past this. I feel guilty for continuing to bring this up and I don’t want to blame him but I can’t help feeling that I’m going to end up resenting him for this.

Anyone been in the same situation? AIBU?

He knew full well he didn’t want more than one child OP.

There’s nothing that will “ease” wanting a child OP.

You are 30 and he is 42. Have a good think and weigh up what’s more important?

Sometimes I think people don’t understand how overwhelming the urge is to have a child. It doesn’t go away. It’s all I thought about all day. I just couldn’t help it. Like you I thought if we don’t have another I will resent him to the point of us splitting up. I was so gutted. Now we have our second. My partner loves dc2 just as much. He adores him. Never has my partner resented me. In fact with the virus he now realises how important it can be to have a sibling to play with.

@strangerontheinternet yes I think it can be. If that’s what you want more than one child. Absolutely.

stranger
It’s not just a “I quite fancy another child” it’s a maternal instinct and it’s stronger now that I am already a mother. It’s like an ache.
No it’s not the be all and end all but I can’t help how I feel. I wish I could just snap my fingers and not care but unfortunately I can’t. I want to move past it though.

It is always the case that the parent who doesn’t want another child trumps the one who does.

Not in my world @emilyfrost !

And if he was to old two years ago, again why did he string OP along for two years.

I couldn't live with such dishonesty.

I think that's a good way to think about it to be honest. I'd be more forceful about the therapy because it is putting the relationship and family before anything else, which he can't really argue with. He needs to make an effort somewhere and I'd be really disappointed if he stuck his heels on over that.

I feel for you op. You’re so young and to have that maternal urge you talk about is not going to be easy for the next 20 or so years.

I’m in a similar position but am now in my early 40s. Each time I ovulate I’m overcome by grief. In between times I’m coping well though. For me I wouldn’t consider leaving my DP as we’re both older and I love him to death. But it’s been hard on our relationship. Very very hard at times. For us it got to the point where we didn’t use any contraception (still don’t) and we both accepted if it happened it happened. It hasn’t (yet, I still cling onto some hope).

I don’t think at 42 your DP is too old, but I respect his decision regardless of age.

The only practical advice I’ve got is to write all your feelings down for him - get all your feelings down on paper, be really honest (invite him to do the same). I did this because each time we talked it just got so emotional and tense and ended in arguments. It helped us to see each other’s feelings without all the stress of an argument. It was sad but it helped us. In our case we did try (& still do) but it took a lot of soul searching to get here. Therapy would be good too for both of you.

I’ve sort of accepted not having that other baby now despite all this. It’s been a hard journey but I still have hope to keep me going. And importantly we still have a deep love for each other. He now understands my heartbreak and I now respect his feelings. We’ve both sort of compromised in a way, we never actively ‘tried’, I never put any pressure on him but equally he carried on with no contraception.

Hugs to you x

Re the snip, for me that would be a question of equality of commitment.

If the OP accepts this decision and stays with this man for another 5/10 years, her choice to have more children will be effectively gone (in exchange for maintaining this relationship/family).

How will she feel if by then, his head gets turned by a younger woman who wants children (he already has form for preferring very young/younger than him women), and she is discarded while he goes on to start another family?

I think it is only fair that of she is committing to have no further children it is only fair he makes an equal commitment, whatever happens to their relationship in the future. OP's fertility has an expiry date, his doesn't.

@Jenga3000

stranger It’s not just a “I quite fancy another child” it’s a maternal instinct and it’s stronger now that I am already a mother. It’s like an ache. No it’s not the be all and end all but I can’t help how I feel. I wish I could just snap my fingers and not care but unfortunately I can’t. I want to move past it though.

So key is what is worst staying and not having another child, staying and having a resented child by the father, leaving and having another child but you don’t love the dad and split up, leaving in hopes of another child but it doesn’t happen for you.

@Draineddraineddrained

Re the snip, for me that would be a question of equality of commitment.

If the OP accepts this decision and stays with this man for another 5/10 years, her choice to have more children will be effectively gone (in exchange for maintaining this relationship/family).

How will she feel if by then, his head gets turned by a younger woman who wants children (he already has form for preferring very young/younger than him women), and she is discarded while he goes on to start another family?

I think it is only fair that of she is committing to have no further children it is only fair he makes an equal commitment, whatever happens to their relationship in the future. OP's fertility has an expiry date, his doesn't.

And I agree with this.

Is the fact you aren't married another sign of his lack of willingness to jump in with both feet? I mean you're saying it's hard to plan a wedding now, that goes without saying, but you've been together for 7 years. I wouldn't consider altering my plans for motherhood for a man who wouldn't marry me. He really has left all his options open hasn't he? No vasectomy, no condoms, no marriage certificate.

If you want positives OP- we chose to stick at one after I had a MMC. DS is happy

*whoops. I didn’t realise that posted.
He’s 7 now and doesn’t want a sibling. He gets lots of attention. DH and I have time to do our own things still. It’s a good balance.

Is the fact you aren't married another sign of his lack of willingness to jump in with both feet? I mean you're saying it's hard to plan a wedding now, that goes without saying, but you've been together for 7 years. I wouldn't consider altering my plans for motherhood for a man who wouldn't marry me. He really has left all his options open hasn't he? No vasectomy, no condoms, no marriage certificate.

Marriage isn’t the be all and end all for everyone. I’d like to get married of course, and I was wondering if he’d ever propose, but it isn’t at the absolute top of my list. We have a child together? and several joint financial commitments including a mortgage. If there was so sign of commitment at all then maybe, but there is so the marriage thing isn’t an issue for me right now. I really don’t think he’s that calculating.

minnie thank you. I really do want to try and see the positives to this to try and help me

It sounds like he is j Der a lot of stress currently with his job and finances and at the moment all he can see when you mention another child is just more stress.

Maybe he is hurt that going through this difficult time, you are more focus on your desire for a child than hoping he feels better.

It's very possible that if he got another job that made him happy, he could suddenly change his mind.

What will a second child give you that your first doesn't? What if two isn't enough? What if you still feel this ache after the second one?

Lots of people don't end up with the families they envisaged for loads of reasons.

OP,

You were 22 and struggled with the age difference, which is large, but he convinced you that it was fine.

This has indeed bitten you on the arse.

He doesn't handle stress, he doesn't like his job and he has finally told the truth that he doesn't want a second, despite it having been clear from you that you would like two.

You also write that he is a negative person.

So many negatives.

I think you should focus utterly on what you want from YOUR future.

I think you may hugely regret being convinced by him all those years ago.

I think he sounds like a very selfish self serving man.

Start thinking very hard about YOU and what YOU want.

You have time to make a better life with someone less miserable and less selfish.

42 is not old to have a second baby or 'start again with babies'.Both DH and I were that age with our final child. And you're early 30s, that's even easier. I think he needs to know that his comfort zone is likely to be breached either way - if he's worried about finances now, how about if you split up and he is effectively contributing to two households? How would he feel about his DS hanging out a lot with another man (likely younger than him) and having half brothers and sisters? I'm not saying threaten all this like emotional blackmail but he does need to see that the choice is not a) Have baby or b) Stay exactly as we are, the choice is likely a)Have baby or b) lots of other stuff might change.

I know he would just adore a sibling.

You really, really don't know that. I would love a sibling in theory - someone I could have grown up with and loved. But instead I got my brother. We never got on, fought constantly. He made my childhood pretty miserable and I would have been so much happier as an only. As adults we have no relationship. I see him once at Christmas where we exchange small talk (and occasionally send him money to bail him out...)

I can't believe people have been telling you to split up your family and devastate your actual child for a potential one. I'm so glad you don't agree with them. I think the way you move past this is to concentrate on your boy and all the positives: he gets 100% of your time, resources, and love.

My mum was a only child. She was determined that I would have a sibling. My brother and I have never got on. At all! We don’t have any contact nowadays.

@Sugarandteaandmum

42 is not old to have a second baby or 'start again with babies'.Both DH and I were that age with our final child. And you're early 30s, that's even easier. I think he needs to know that his comfort zone is likely to be breached either way - if he's worried about finances now, how about if you split up and he is effectively contributing to two households? How would he feel about his DS hanging out a lot with another man (likely younger than him) and having half brothers and sisters? I'm not saying threaten all this like emotional blackmail but he does need to see that the choice is not a) Have baby or b) Stay exactly as we are, the choice is likely a)Have baby or b) lots of other stuff might change.

42 might to be to old for him though in the same way 35 might be too old for others. He might not want you children well into his 50s. We’re all entitled to a choice.

*young

@billy1966 has made great points.

It isn't just the decision - it's how it was made and communicated.

He settled down late with someone much younger and appears to find it difficult to manage his different commitments. He is a great parent, but perhaps that's because he gives it intense focus and then can't see how a second child would be possible.

Equally, his way of making decisions that affect you all and his communication style could be encouraged to change.

You have choices, which doesn't mean that whatever you decide doesn't have corollaries that hurt. If the relationship is good and you choose to continue, you are giving up something important. If you chose to leave, that would involve important and real losses too.

No advice beyond making your choice a positive one, for good reasons, rather than fear of the alternative.

I get your resentment may destroy the relationship

So you have to decide whether you can live with one child and stay with partner

Or not having another child will make you resent him and split up