To wonder how to move on? I want another baby but he doesnt

[Jenga3000]

Hi,

So after years of me asking to try for another baby my DP of 7 years has told me he doesn’t want another. We have one DS who has just turned 5.

I was always open about wanting 2 children and assumed it was a given, it was just a case of when. But DP has never been able to commit to trying again either way, until recently.

It’s caused a lot of arguments and very painful conversations. I respect his decision but I feel like I’m grieving for the 2nd child I always imagined I’d have. I recently told my DM about it who seemed disappointed and upset for me which hasn’t helped. I just can’t seem to get past it and I don’t know what to do. I never imagine my DS would be an only child and I know he would just adore a sibling.

DP says he made this decision as I was pressuring him to know yes or no to another (which I was tbf, but I had been waiting over 2 years for an answer and it was killing me) so part of me now wonders if he could ever change his mind or if this decision is really how he feels.

I hate what this is doing to us and I don’t really know what to do or how to get past this. I feel guilty for continuing to bring this up and I don’t want to blame him but I can’t help feeling that I’m going to end up resenting him for this.

Anyone been in the same situation? AIBU?

I have 2 because I didn’t want my children to have the life I had.
Mine are so close that pre Covid they worked together. They are looking at setting up their own business.

Yes, fair point @PurpleFlower1983

I am not sure how it will turn out. I really want to move on from this and focus on the positives, but I also see how he’s been really selfish in the way he is gone about this and how he’s acted since. And that’s hurt me and damaged us. I hope we can come back from it.
Thanks for all of your advice!

I'm so sorry that you are feeling so distraught. Try to take a breath and sleep on it perhaps when things are calmer you'll find some equation together.

I always think the partner who doesn't want another child has to have the final say.

If you don't like his answer then spilt up and try to find someone else to have a baby with. If you are so set on the idea.

YANBU. Your partner sounds selfish. I’d get a new one x

I suspect the anger and resentment won’t go away. It also sounds as though you’ve had to really push for a discussion with him about a deeply important - central - issue in your relationship, and that’s concerning. Even if he’s reluctant to have another child, it’s a joint decision and not something to avoid. I’d suggest some counselling for you in order to make decisions about what comes next. As I said, I think you need support to explore your feelings and options - if you just accept the status quo, there’s a chance the unresolved feelings will fester.

englishgirl9 he said he worries he’s too old, that he doesn’t deal well with stress, and about the financial implications in our family.

Why did he pick a partner who is 12 years younger than him then?

I mean, seriously, what did he expect?

And he sounds like an old 42. These are the things you would expect a 50 + to be saying.

@Bizawit

YANBU. Your partner sounds selfish. I’d get a new one x

Why is it selfish to not want any more kids? Is it better to unselfishly bring a child you know you don't want into the world?

My friend was in a similar position. She asked him to be in charge of contraceptives as she felt it was unfair to have to be responsible to prevent something she actively wanted. (She also mentioned the aching).

They went on to have the other child. He couldn't complain as he was responsible and didn't pay due diligence. And he is a VERY doting father.

Great idea @moanleminx.
Most women of former years took things like this into their own hands. I get the impression its a bit taboo to say so now but I'm sure it still happens all the time. Men like sex. Get pregnant. Say 'these things happen'.

My friend was in a similar position. She asked him to be in charge of contraceptives as she felt it was unfair to have to be responsible to prevent something she actively wanted

Good call.

OP I feel terribly for you. It must be a very hard feeling to deal with. I do feel sorry for you. I dont think your husband was selfish though. Perhaps he thought he would be ready a little later and he kept stressing and battling it in his head.

I've seen threads here of women being pressured into having more children by their partner and nobody called the woman selfish.

I think calling someone selfish,for not bringing another life into the world that they dont want, is mad. Its not selfish at all. I understand he took his sweet time letting you know his final decision but its possible he was on the fence and couldn't decide, isn't that ok??

Also,just when you said you know your son would love a sibling,please dont assume these things.
I was the second child,born to be company for the first who has hated me from the moment I was born and throughout my entire life caused irreparable damage to me and our parents.

I’m in the opposite situation, I don’t want any more DP does. He told me yesterday that he will have more just not with me, not much I can do about that, that’s his decision, I definitely don’t want any more.

I just love how some are so quick to say get another partner if this one won’t give in.
If op does decide she wants another child more than she wants her present partner she goes from having one child to in effect having half a child as the child’s father is not going to disappear and will want access.
She also now has a unhappy child who misses his father and is unsettled and struggling with the new status quo.
Then she has to find a new man who not only wants to have a child quite quickly but also take on the roll of step parent. So back into the dating game shifting through all the dross that intals.
If she does find a man who is willing to do both then he also has to be in a in a financial position to do so unless the op is financially independent and can bare all the costs of having a baby, maternity leave and housing on her own. If she can it will be easier as there are plenty of cocklodgers about but the pool of decent financially stable 30 something men is a lot shallower. She has to then has to introduce him to her child and hope that there is no resentment on either side and give them time to build a relationship before bringing another child into the mix.

I am not saying she has got to stay with her present partner and if she can’t get over the resentment then maybe she has no option than to leave. But if she leaves she should be doing it for herself not because she is going on a sperm hunt.

I think he really should have told you sooner that he doesn't want another child. He's been a bit out of order in that way.

Saying that, I think some people on this thread don't understand that not wanting another child is just as deep a feeling as wanting another child. I'm female, have one child and do not want any more. The idea really horrifies me and I would be devastated if I got pregnant. There's no way I would keep it.

I think he should be willing to look into a vasectomy though. I would have my bloody uterus removed if I could but they say I'm too young.

Also I'd suggest counselling for you to help you come to terms. I do feel for you both.

It would be easily to accept his decision if he hadn't acted so shitty about it. Keeping you on the line pretending for the last years, then finally saying no but it's your fault for asking. Pretending that if you'd been a good little girl and never discussed it, just waited for him to decide and let you know. Actually discussing things is how relationships work.

It reminds me of the line so commonly used by men who don't want to get married, but are pretending they do. "I was just about to propose, but you ruined it by mentioning it, I'm not going to now".

Another one here who is a woman who doesn’t want any more children (we have one).

My husband has always wanted 2 I think but I just don’t because I have suffered PND and it’s been pretty horrendous at times. And i think, especially given this, it would be immensely cruel of him to leave our family and have another child or children with someone else.

That’s to all those PPs recommending the OP leave and have another kid with someone else. The OP has, to be fair, said she doesn’t want to do this and is looking for other ways to get over this.

I'm in a similar position to you, but I'm late 30's and husband is early 40's. We have a 6 yr old. He doesn't want another. It's a huge commitment, especially as you get older. I've never been desperate for another but go through phases of intense longing (probably hormone related). However, I think for us, it's right to stop at 1.

I have a friend who's husband is in his early 50's. She's late 30's. He was adamant he didn't want another. She made it happen, they now have 2. She does most of the parenting.....

The fact that you're not taking any contraception would make it relatively easy for there to be an 'accident' If you want to go that route?

I think it's easier to close the door on more kids when you're older. But you're only 30! In your shoes, I think a lot of women would just 'make it happen' which is a very unpopular view on MN. I'm not saying you should, but nor do I think splitting up your family in pursuit of another man is a good idea either. I don't think you'll just 'get over it' as it's clearly something that you desperately want.

@Originalusername2021

I’m in the opposite situation, I don’t want any more DP does. He told me yesterday that he will have more just not with me, not much I can do about that, that’s his decision, I definitely don’t want any more.

So what will you do? Let him have a child outside of your relationship?

OP I think you have to either try to get over this or leave him.

I don’t think you’d be selfish to leave - are women who leave their marriage because they’re unhappy “tearing their child’s family apart”? No of course not, nobody is required to stay in a marriage they are unhappy in to please their children! That is literally why divorce exists. It doesn’t matter whether you’re unhappy in a marriage because you don’t get on with your partner, you’ve stopped finding them attractive or you have fundamentally incompatible views. The choice is always yours. Your son deserves a happy mother and it sounds to me like you’re extremely unhappy at the moment. You’re not even married so it would be much easier to leave.

When I was 30 I and lots of my friends were single and had no kids, so I wouldn’t worry about “starting again” at that age - plenty of women haven’t even “started” by then! Yes it might be more difficult to date when you have a kid but lots of people manage it.

You need to decide whether you love him enough to get past this. Otherwise don’t feel guilty about setting yourself free. You only get one life and this guy has strung you along.

That’s to all those PPs recommending the OP leave and have another kid with someone else. The OP has, to be fair, said she doesn’t want to do this and is looking for other ways to get over this

But there isn’t anyway to get over this. It could be argued, why is it Jenga3000’s job to get over it. Why not her husbands job to get over having another child.

It is a untenable position to be in. In every outcome someone isn’t going to be happy and will resent the other for forcing their hand

He's allowed to change his mind. That said, you're also allowed to be upset by his decision. But you do have choices. There is always a choice.

You can stay with him and deal with emotions around him not agreeing to a second child, and the lack of a second child. Or you can leave and have another child, be it on your own via ivf or with another partner.

I've always thought that when a man does this, he must be very very sure that he really doesn't want another child. I couldn't sit by and watch my partner be so upset due to my decision, so if I'd made that decision and was sticking to it, I must really not want another child. Or you dp puts his own wants and feelings in front of yours and either has little empathy or feelings for you.