To wonder how to move on? I want another baby but he doesnt

[Jenga3000]

Hi,

So after years of me asking to try for another baby my DP of 7 years has told me he doesn’t want another. We have one DS who has just turned 5.

I was always open about wanting 2 children and assumed it was a given, it was just a case of when. But DP has never been able to commit to trying again either way, until recently.

It’s caused a lot of arguments and very painful conversations. I respect his decision but I feel like I’m grieving for the 2nd child I always imagined I’d have. I recently told my DM about it who seemed disappointed and upset for me which hasn’t helped. I just can’t seem to get past it and I don’t know what to do. I never imagine my DS would be an only child and I know he would just adore a sibling.

DP says he made this decision as I was pressuring him to know yes or no to another (which I was tbf, but I had been waiting over 2 years for an answer and it was killing me) so part of me now wonders if he could ever change his mind or if this decision is really how he feels.

I hate what this is doing to us and I don’t really know what to do or how to get past this. I feel guilty for continuing to bring this up and I don’t want to blame him but I can’t help feeling that I’m going to end up resenting him for this.

Anyone been in the same situation? AIBU?

Having a second child does not, for me, constitute a natural need. She has a child.

That’s you though. For many people though it’s different. There are lots of people on this thread who do understand. I can really really want a second child without it being an assumption that I would want to continue. It wouldn’t be viable for us to have more than 2, nor have I ever wanted more than 2.

@TJ17

I hate it when people say if you have one child "be grateful for what you have" 🙄

Wanting another child does not mean you aren't grateful for your current children!!

Well I think you should be grateful for what you have. Plenty of people have a second child and regret it.

If you have a healthy child be grateful. So many people do not.

It is also a fact that lots and lots of siblings do not get on. I don't get on with mine and DH actually hates his sister. Has not seen or spoken to her in about 45 years.

If you have a happy relationship that is the important bit. Children will grow up and leave home. They may even fall out with you and have no contact. You and your OH would hopefully still be together and have a life after children

It's a lot easier for the older partner to appreciate what an age difference means than someone in their early twenties.

I'd have more sympathy for him if he had actually bothered to marry the other of his child. It works both ways. At least the OP have to think about divorce if she decided to move on.

lynsey91 I think you seem to be putting your own negative experiences into my situation tbh. And again, just because I want another child does NOT for one second mean I am ungrateful for the child I already have.

My real DM (the one I refer to in my OP is my step mother) was diagnosed with breast cancer at 31 whilst pregnant with her 2nd child. My DB was stillborn at 25 weeks so my DM could start chemotherapy. She died a year later. That’s my personal situation and probably one which contributes to me being desperate for a second. But you don’t need a situation like this to justify it. Sorry but your personal situation is not mine.

I don’t think this is something you will get over personally. You’ll either learn to live with it or you’ll find a way to have a second child,
with or without him. You’re only 30 so you have at least a decade of healthy viable eggs, a decade is a long time to use the pull out method and probably live in hope each month that he won’t pull out on time...

You obviously have lots of talking to do and perhaps some counselling. If he genuinely doesn’t want a child, he really shouldn’t be relying on pulling out.

@Jenga3000

It would be a problem for me that my dh was willing to see me be so unhappy.

This is what is hurting me most tbh. I think if he was more understanding and empathetic of how hurt I am maybe it would be better? I don’t know. He seems to think because he’s given me my answer now that’s it’s over with but for me it’s really not.

Sounds like emotional blackmail. Do you not think he has feelings too when you bring it up? To me you both need to want a baby and to persuade someone is wrong. I wanted a second, my husband didn't so I accepted it and moved on. I'm now 43 and do not regret choosing to stay, especially for the well-being of our child. I also feel too kid to have a baby now. Being 30 and 43 is very different for starting again with a baby.

@Nogardenersworld

Did he make the decision to spite you or be controlling ‘He made this decision as I was pressuring him’

So it’s your fault he made that decision?

Tell him you’re having another baby, he can be the dad or not

If you break up in 10 years, and you can’t have kids anymore, how would you feel?

If he then had a child with someone else, how would you feel?

He doesn’t have a time limit like you, it’s all very well for him to keep you waiting and waiting and then decide it doesn’t suit him anymore

Just wow!

strictly

I haven’t once said that I am trying to persuade him to have another - that’s wrong. The point of my OP was to ask for help in trying to get past this and the hurt it has caused me. That’s what I want to do - ideally I want to move past it as you yourself did and keep my family together. I’ve reiterated that several times

Well I think you should be grateful for what you have. Plenty of people have a second child and regret it.

I know not one single person that had regretted a second child!

There's a lot on this thread about "if you love him" (meaning her DP)....

Well, what about "if he loves her"?

If he did, he'd have given OP the decency and courtesy of at least having a calm, honest discussion about these issues, not effectively stonewall the OP on his answer for at least 2 years.

Despite being 42, he's pretty much strung the OP along. Not the action of a mature person, but the action of a selfish person.

Tell him you’re having another baby, he can be the dad or not
🤣🤣🤣 ah there we go,problem solved.

Well you're not going to get past it calling him selfish and hoping he'll change his mind. Perhaps try to seek out counselling even if on the phone for the time being?

I love my eldest child so much and I am so grateful for him, however it still felt like a "need" to have a second. We had planned 3 dcs but finances and life got in the way so stopped at 2. I would have liked a 3rd and probably could still have one (although the gap would be more than I would want now), but now it doesn't feel like a need, more a "nice to have".

If you feel the "nice to have" about a 2nd dc, that's fine. I also wouldn't judge anyone who has 3dcs who felt they needed the 3rd to complete their family. I do know the "need" feeling is different for different woman and many dont particularly feel it about a 1st.

However that's not really the biggest issue, it was the trying to string you along for years when your DP knew he didn't want a 2nd and only has told you now because you forced him to give you a straight answer. How many more years would he have left you still waiting if you hadn't forced it?

You aren't wrong to want a 2nd. He's not wrong to not want one. He is wrong to fudge and dodge the conversation for years.

I know not one single person that had regretted a second child!

Sadly, I know of several people who regretted having more than one
My sister being one. Has 3 kids now and tells my parents every day she cant cope. She does not like her children. She emotionally abused the oldest one...she has so much resentment.

I'm not saying any of this applies to the op!!! Not at all.
Your post just made me think Bookwords

I was 40 when I divorced and had just had my youngest. I met a man who I might have had a relationship with (old uni friend) but he was adamant I had to commit to a child. No just not from me at 40 after several difficult pregnancies and with a new born in tow. I love my son and would not be without him but was pressurised into it by a much younger husband - I was happy with the children I had abs I would not commit to more. Things never got off the ground with the new chap who was the same age 41. 7 years later he is still single and now 48 with no partner or children and it’s sad. He was a nice chap but he was and is desperate for a child of his own. Different circumstances but my advice would be to make a choice on your own with counselling knowing he does not want another child.

Stay and accept and move forward with counselling.

Leave and have ivf on your own, find a new partner and so on. But just understand this is not a given that you can have another.

Do you want a baby more than a husband. I did with my first. I wanted the baby, he didn’t - so I did it alone.

It boils down to two options:

• choose to stay in this relationship and never have a 2nd child

• leave the relationship and have a 2nd child (in time)

You’re fundamentally different people - does the relationship have longevity? You will resent him for not having a 2nd baby.

You need to lay out your options to him clearly. Tell him he stringed you along and should have been clear years ago so you could make an informed decision. He can’t be mad at you for considering ending the relationship for the sake of a child. You can’t sacrifice your life for him.

I think the age gap is a bit mad tbh. As someone in their early 20s, I wouldn’t look twice at someone 12 years older than me as we would be at different stages in life. Things like this were bound to crop up.

It was the trying to string you along for years when your DP knew he didn't want a 2nd

Can I just ask...did the man admit to never wanting another one all along ? Or is everyone just assuming they know his mind better and was for sure lying and stringing along?

Or is everyone just assuming they know his mind better and was for sure lying and stringing along?

They're assuming in a way they'd never do if it was a woman posting on here that she didn't know whether she wanted children or not - which is a very frequent thread topic.

Having (more) children or not isn't an easy decision for everyone. Ideally the OP's partner would have been open and communicative about his thought processes throughout the two years but if he couldn't decide, leaned towards no but knew that would upset her, I can see why he didn't tell her. It's cowardly but not necessarily conniving.

ideally I want to move past it as you yourself did and keep my family together

OK, well - calling him selfish isn't a great way to go about this. Assigning blame will tear you apart quickly.

Get counselling. Accept that this is a tremendously sad situation but neither of you are at fault for it, or awful people for feeling the way you both do. Allow yourself to grieve. Channel your feelings into volunteering, mentoring, community work and your existing family.

@sofiaaaaaa

It boils down to two options:

• choose to stay in this relationship and never have a 2nd child

• leave the relationship and have a 2nd child (in time)

You’re fundamentally different people - does the relationship have longevity? You will resent him for not having a 2nd baby.

You need to lay out your options to him clearly. Tell him he stringed you along and should have been clear years ago so you could make an informed decision. He can’t be mad at you for considering ending the relationship for the sake of a child. You can’t sacrifice your life for him.

I think the age gap is a bit mad tbh. As someone in their early 20s, I wouldn’t look twice at someone 12 years older than me as we would be at different stages in life. Things like this were bound to crop up.

I don't resent my husband - in fact I often think he was right. Yes - I wanted two but it didn't happen. I treasure what I do have and I don't resent anyone.

Another one here wondering if he’s more guilty of being ‘cowardly rather than conniving’ as another poster put it. Hoping he might change his mind, knowing how much it meant to you. Or genuinely not sure either way.

It doesn’t speak volumes for his emotional maturity or the way he handles problems but perhaps a lesser sin. You’re in a better position to judge whether this is actually the case than anyone

@Strictly1 that’s fine but OP mentioned her mother/brother so might have more emotional ties

It took me well over a year to convince my DH to try for a second baby - he was adamant he only wanted one. Eventually though I did get him to change his

Wow I wonder how mn would react if it were a man saying this about his partner?

But the truth is that having a baby affects a woman’s life far more than it does a mans. We are the ones who have to go through the pregnancy and labour and generally it’s the women (some not all) who sacrifice their career in some way to care for the child. So if a woman is prepared to put herself through that then of course she would want to try and change her partner’s mind - it comes at no real price to him.

Men shouldn’t guilt trip women into having another child because ultimately it would be the woman’s life which would be impacted by his request - his want for another child would have no real repercussions on him or come with any risks to his health or his job. He’d be getting the baby he wanted at the possible expense of his partner’s health and possible job stability. I mean, I imagine all these men who are asking women for children aren’t putting themselves forward to cover all the maternity leave and be a SAHP are they?

So yes, I did get my husband to change his mind and one of the reasons was because he could see how much it meant to me. He could see how upset I was at the thought of not having another baby and he didn’t want that for me. He said he loved me and that if it meant so much to me then we would try again.

‘Cowardly rather than conniving’ is probably accurate. He didn’t and wouldn’t do anything maliciously to hurt me. I think there was a period where he genuinely didn’t know either way, but not for almost three years. I think (and he as much as admitted) that he was worried about breaking my heart and it damaging us, so he put it off and avoided the conversation or clammed up or got angry whenever I mentioned it.

I don't see how he is selfish to keep telling you he didn't know if he wanted more kids, if he didn't know.

I wasn't selfish for not knowing if I wanted kids, I just knew when I knew, the same as he probably knew when he knew.

I think until you see this from his side and not that he has done something wrong or it shows him in a bad light, you will be unable to get past it.

He doesn't need forgiving, he sounds sensible.

Why would you tell him to get the snip, but then say you would be upset if he did ?
But then say you do need a long term solution as you don't want to take the pill, but again would be upset if he got the snip
what is your long solution that wouldn't make you upset ?

You need make sure he realise his decision to put off telling you to avoid upsetting you has hurt you more. By delaying he's risked your whole relationship and made it so you are now going to be worried hes keeping other stuff from you.

If you are going to stay together, he needs to not be the sort of person who ignores difficult conversations until it becomes much much worse.