To be sick of my husband not letting me buy stuff?

[Tiredmum195]

Hi all,
Just wondering what arrangements other people have with their Dh with regards to spending money? I’m struggling with my dh being pretty controlling with regards to spending money. Eg, if I want to buy an item of clothing I would have to basically ask him first and quite often he will say, you don’t need that etc. If I just order something without consulting him first, I will get a very disapproving look and he will complain. Aibu to think I shouldn’t need his permission?

Have you told him you want to buy stuff without his negative comments etc? That has dragging you down. That you dont need his permission?

Ask him if he'd prefer to separate finances.

He is very mean. Either he needs to sort himself out, you leave him or live with his stingy behaviour.

Which way do you think you'll go?

It was my parents house this is even more ridiculous. He is living in a house paid for and pays nothing for it. Yet is telling you that you can't spend any money. He sounds pretty controlling.

@Tiredmum195

We both work, he works full time , I work 20 hours a week. We have a 3 month old. We own our own house no mortgage. We have a joint account which salaries go into and also have individual accounts but don’t use really.

You need to change how you manage your money. We have our own incomes paid into our own accounts. Out of that we put money into a bills account and a holiday account. If we want to buy a necessary big item we discuss but pay half each. We arrange it so we each have roughly the same amount of spending money.

We can then spend our own money on whatever we want, without discussing arguing about it.

Blimey, it wouldn’t even occur to me to ask DH unless I specifically wanted his opinion. That said, I don’t enjoy clothes shopping at all so I don’t buy a lot for myself. DH does buy clothes for me though and they are lovely and always high end so I am v happy with how things work out! I couldn’t cope with someone sticking their beak in like that though and criticising my purchases.

Is he a wanker in other ways?

Does he feel pathetic as he lives in a free house so has to be billy big balls and control your spending ?

This is financial abuse.

Tell him to pack it in or divorce him.

He lives FREE in your parents' home and won't let you spend any of the money you earn???
Please talk to someone IRL and find a way out

I think you would be in a good position if you split - unless of course he tries to claim half the house....

I buy what I want, when I want apart from big ticket items. Same for him.

I used to give my 16yo more than 75/month when he was doing his gcse's

Why are you tolerating being treated like a teenager instead of the adult woman and mother that you are. If you are hiding purchases then you are frightened of him. This is not normal

I worked with a woman. She was married, really decent house, both she and her husband worked full time (she worked shifts). Both had cars, went on decent holidays, went out a lot.
She once announced that she'd see a t-shirt she really liked, so she'd asked (!) him if she could buy it. He said no. It was £8. Admittedly, this was over 20 years ago, but £8!!?
I couldn't believe it.

This is not normal, OP. As others have said, this is financial abuse. He's controlling you, and it'll get worse.

What's with the 'not letting you' thing?! I had a husband like this - financially controlling. Divorced him. Have never been happier.

Just buy things - you don’t need anyone’s permission so long as there is money in the bank. Today I’ve ordered new blinds for the home office, an extra delivery of logs, a gin subscription- none of which I asked DH for permission.

Don’t get my hair done or buy any makeup except foundation a few times a year which is not expensive. I guess I don’t go out that often maybe max once a month (obviously pre COVID)

What would happen if you said “I’m not living like this any more. My wages will now be going into my own account and I’ll put x amount in the joint account for bills”?

I don’t understand why you don’t get any money when you have access to the account and loads of savings - why don’t you just spend it? I’m assuming you’re scared of him?

He is not "tight with money" he is abusive

So that's financial abuse! He's not your dad, you're not asking for pocket money! You work 20 hours a week, once you've paid your share of the bills the rest should be yours to do with as you please. I'd be packing his bags!

I also have a hobby that I’m very into which I buy things for ... but I guess I do this instead of buying clothes, make up etc. But he thinks it’s unreasonable even though I’m trying to make a business out of it and it’s my pleasure in life.

Imagine how free and happy you’ll feel when you kick him out.
You are not a child you shouldn’t need to ‘ask’ him for anything. I think discussing big purchases is ideal but not asking.

YANBU (assuming you aren’t skint)

You could both get a monthly amount paid into your individual accounts for personal spending? It might be easier.

You know this is wrong of him. Tell him to leave if he's not happy

Have you actually sat down and discussed this with him? What has he said?

Yep he is financially abusive.

I reckon that if you were looking over the last year at how you spent on yourself and how much he is spent on himself, he would be spending much much more than you.
But he is somehow allowed to check what you do and tell you and what you can and can’t have but not the other way around....

All the people writing in about how much they spend and what they buy in a carefree way can only serve to make the OP feel worse about her situation.

OP - if you own your own house and you work part-time, would your life be easier and happier without him in it?

Ohalrightthen - So funny!

We get paid into our own accounts and then transfer a proportional amount (I earn more than DH) into the joint account for bills/food etc. I occasionally ask his advice if I'm thinking about buying something but never for permission. What's in my account is my money to do with whatever I wish.