To be sick of my husband not letting me buy stuff?

[Tiredmum195]

Hi all,
Just wondering what arrangements other people have with their Dh with regards to spending money? I’m struggling with my dh being pretty controlling with regards to spending money. Eg, if I want to buy an item of clothing I would have to basically ask him first and quite often he will say, you don’t need that etc. If I just order something without consulting him first, I will get a very disapproving look and he will complain. Aibu to think I shouldn’t need his permission?

We have a joint account which salaries go into and also have individual accounts but don’t use really.

Well now is the time to start using them. Work out an average monthly budget using both your salaries, and all your regular outgoings. Then divide up what's left: some for savings, some for him, and some for you. Your part goes into your individual account and he has no say over it.

If you can afford it then why do you even need to tell him?
It wouldn't occur to me to even let my OH know if I was buying new clothes for myself.

No. This is not normal. Have you discussed it with him?

So no mortgage/rent payments. You have an excess of cash every month? Is he a very keen saver?

It would be fair if you both kept say 20% of your combined Salary into your own account for spending how you like and a further 20% into a savings account ( % depend on affordability of course!)

I always discuss large purchases etc. Umm no he usually just buys stuff if he wants it though this is rare. He just thinks whatever I want is unnecessary.

This is financial abuse and you need to sort it now otherwise it will get worse.

Depends on the context though doesn't it, @bridgetreilly.

We have a joint account, I can spend what I want. DH can spend what he wants. But if either of is us thinking of making a larger purchase (say £100 plus), we'd run it past the other one first. That's just common courtesy, surely? That would apply if I fancied a designer handbag, or he wanted a new camera or something.

And neither of us would never "ban" the other from buying anything but if DH wanted some fancy new gadget and we had previously discussed booking a holiday or buying something more essential, of course it would get discussed.

@Tiredmum195

I always discuss large purchases etc. Umm no he usually just buys stuff if he wants it though this is rare. He just thinks whatever I want is unnecessary.

It's your money, that you earn. Tell him to get to fuck.

You need to agree on an amount of disposable spending each. We have a joint account for bills and personal accounts. Joint expenditure from the joint account, personal expenditure from the personal account.
You need all bills and food covered, and savings in the joint account, whatever is left gets split in half and goes into your personal accounts and no one spends from the joint account on themselves.

So why do you ask him or pay attention to what he thinks.

If my husband said you don’t need that, I’d sort of look at him like this,.. and just crack on.

Can’t really say who is BU. Depends on your joint savings goals and whether this is causing any debt? It sounds on surface that YANBU, but you haven’t really answered questions about state of finances so that has me wondering about whether there is a back story of credit card debt, or constantly depleted savings, or using overdrafts, or clothes with tags still on never worn piled up in a spare bedroom.

I’ve tried to discuss before and he agreed I could have 100/month but this got decreased to 75... also if I buy something now I get scared and try to hide it from him which makes it worse

If you work and have your own income why do you need to ask him if you want to buy something?

We have no debt. Dot. Have credit cards. Have 70k of savings

Work out a budget for individual wants, the same for both of you after all essentials and savings have been deducted from your income.

If you both have money to spend on what you like, then it doesn’t matter what he thinks. The key is that you have equal access to discretionary money and an agreement that e.g. clothes, hobby stuff, music or film downloads etc come out of that pot. Then you don’t have to think his Amazon Prime habit is annoying and he doesn’t need to give your shoe fetish the side eye. You cut your cloth according to your overall income, of course.

I’d be pissed off if my DH told me I couldn’t spend my own money on clothes.

Is there a back story where you own so many clothes they don't fit in the wardrobe or have a history of debts from buying clothes etc? If not it's controlling. Far better in your circumstances if he is questioning you to have a set amount per year divided into monthly payments that you each put in your individual accounts to pay for discretionary stuff like clothes, hobbies, sports membership etc. Some people share finances easily, I did, but others have what you described

Why was it decreased? And why does he get the final say? You’re a partnership, pool money for bills/savings and share what is left into individual accounts. Personally I’ve never shared an account but we do share money ( and I can see it all/access it all but that’s due to the financial abuse my mum suffered from my dad, that isn’t happening to me.

@Tiredmum195

I’ve tried to discuss before and he agreed I could have 100/month but this got decreased to 75... also if I buy something now I get scared and try to hide it from him which makes it worse

OP, you're being financially abused.

@Tiredmum195

I’ve tried to discuss before and he agreed I could have 100/month but this got decreased to 75... also if I buy something now I get scared and try to hide it from him which makes it worse

Do you know what your overall household budget and expenses are?

He shouldn’t be in charge of who gets what discretionary, it should be a conversation.

Who buys the baby clothes etc?

Why does he imagine that he is in a position to set you a budget unilaterally?

You should both have money you can spend each month on yourself

I know what all the bills are each month. Umm I bought some baby clothes the other day but asked him first. We have loads already from relatives

Get your salary paid into your own account and transfer some to joint account. What is left is yours. And things for the baby come out of joint account, not yours.