To be sick of my husband not letting me buy stuff?

[Tiredmum195]

Hi all,
Just wondering what arrangements other people have with their Dh with regards to spending money? I’m struggling with my dh being pretty controlling with regards to spending money. Eg, if I want to buy an item of clothing I would have to basically ask him first and quite often he will say, you don’t need that etc. If I just order something without consulting him first, I will get a very disapproving look and he will complain. Aibu to think I shouldn’t need his permission?

Is money tight? Is money shared? In theory absolutely, YANBU.

Is all your money pooled? Are you struggling as a family? Dh and I have a joint account and also our own individual ones. We each get 250 a month into our sole accounts to do with as we please.

You need to discuss why this is happening
Do you pool your salaries or do you not work?

We both work and we spend our disposable incomes as we see fit.

I ask about big purchases.
I let him think he's got an input into gifts.
I do all of the shopping on my credit card and he pays the bill every month.
I don't take the piss but he doesn't tell me what I can and can't spend.

Is your husband the sole earner or are you being told how to spend money you've been paid directly?

Do you both work, or are you a sahm?

There’s a lot more information needed here.

Are you spending his money or your own? Do you live together? How do you arrange joint finances?

It's hard to comment without knowing your specific situation. Is money tight? Is the items you want to buy expensive? In theory you are not being unreasonable. I never run clothing purchases past husband put I have cheap tastes

What is your financial set up OP?

YANBU at all. This is not ok OP.

If funds are tight then you should both sit down and work out a budget, and that should include some monthly personal spending money for each of you. You should have complete access to that spending money (well IMO you should have complete access to all the money actually). Making you ask each time and justify each spend is not treating you like an adult and is not respecting your contribution to the household.

If funds are not tight, he’s just a controlling arsehole.

What's the financial landscape of your relationship?

How are your finances set up - joint money and access or some in your own accounts?

How much coming in and how many people does it need to support?

What sort of budget do you have for things like clothes etc?

We both work, he works full time , I work 20 hours a week. We have a 3 month old. We own our own house no mortgage. We have a joint account which salaries go into and also have individual accounts but don’t use really.

Unless you’re on a strict budget then YANBU. I don’t even consult DH when I buy a new car.

What's really frightening is that there's literally one of these threads every other day. Just how many women are out there being financially controlled and abused by their 'oh so loving' husbands.

No.

No, it's not unreasonable for any grown up person to be able to buy things for themselves without asking permission. No, it's not reasonable for him to decide whether or not you needed it.

You need to be able to have open, adult conversations about money which make it clear that you are both trusted, equal partners. Bills must be paid, debts prioritised, and both of you have a say in large purchases. But both of you need to be allowed to spend normal amounts of money each month without anyone else's say so.

Does he also discuss with you when he wants to make a purchase?

This is the 21st century, not the Middle Ages.

AWFUL. He clearly thinks he is keeping you, not that you are giving up your chance to earn, save make pension stamps

Don’t have a budget for clothes or anything

I make my own money and get to spend it on whatever i want. My husband could try and tell me what i should and shouldn't buy, but he'd then have to learn how to suck his own cock, so he very sensibly keeps his mouth shut.

@Tiredmum195

We both work, he works full time , I work 20 hours a week. We have a 3 month old. We own our own house no mortgage. We have a joint account which salaries go into and also have individual accounts but don’t use really.

Then you just need to agree a budget for family spending (from joint) and what it covers, and then some cash in each individual account that’s each of yours to spend as you see fit.

My x was l8ke this

Get your salary paid into your own account and transfer a percentage into the joint.

You need your own money OP.

Oh you work!