To be sick of my husband not letting me buy stuff?

[Tiredmum195]

Hi all,
Just wondering what arrangements other people have with their Dh with regards to spending money? I’m struggling with my dh being pretty controlling with regards to spending money. Eg, if I want to buy an item of clothing I would have to basically ask him first and quite often he will say, you don’t need that etc. If I just order something without consulting him first, I will get a very disapproving look and he will complain. Aibu to think I shouldn’t need his permission?

I would 100% be squirrelling money into that separate account of yours. It's totally ridiculous for a grown adult to have to ask permission to spend their own money. This is financial abuse pure and simple

He sounds really mean, rather than controlling and I know that's a very fine distinction... But actually you are both very well off and have loads of savings, so my feeling is it's a Scrooge mentality to control the future rather than controlling you, per se.

However, the end result is the same. A grown ass woman with a job scared to buy an outfit for her baby.

I'd start getting your salary paid into your own account, work out what's fair to pay into the joint account and keep control of your own surplus. He'll then be likely to do tit for tat the same, but given you've no mortgage and huge savings, that's fairly manageable.

Gosh everyone needs their own pin money to spend just how they want on fripperies, nonsense and indulgences. Whether it's 20 quid a month or 200.
Then they need money for personal maintenance (clothes, haircuts, mobiles, travel to work etc)
And (in my mind) both partners need to have equal amounts of said pin and personal money.
Everything else should be joint and not touched without discussion/agreement. Eg set up a fund for kid personal expenses agreed at start of year and keep to that budget for clothes.
But wanting to buy baby a treat, random toy then go ahead from your own pin money.

Does he buy what he likes when he wants or do you discuss it?

It sounds like financial abuse.

We have one account for bills,one savings and the rest "play" money.Works well.

100 a month? Why was it decreased?

I guess I’ve had some really tough life experiences and have a chronic illness so I tend to live for the day rather than thinking too much about the future

Have you explained this to your DH? He sounds strict about money which has obviously got you in a great position where you don’t have a mortgage to pay but you also need to enjoy life!

This is financial abuse.

It is ABSURD to have no mortgage and 70k saving and not be “allowed” to buy clothes.

@Tiredmum195

We both work, he works full time , I work 20 hours a week. We have a 3 month old. We own our own house no mortgage. We have a joint account which salaries go into and also have individual accounts but don’t use really.

My DH always used to ask me about whether he cold buy things for himself or not, possibly because I am the bigger earner, by about 50%. It used to bother me that he felt he had to ask. Both our incomes go into a joint account. So we set up separate accounts and the same amount is transferred into each persons account monthly now. We opened the accounts with a larger amount. Now any clothes we want come from these accounts but my DH still ‘asks’ me 🤣. You need to have a set amount going to your personal account and use this to buy clothes!

He rarely buys stuff. Only big things like cars, gadgets etc. Eg recently bought a new phone . Yes I squirrel some money away but then he knows I’ve been doing that and gets annoyed

I am similar op in that my dh works full time and I work part time. We each have separate accounts and transfer money for bills into a joint account based on salary. He pays off credit card. I only consult on big purchases or if I think he'll want to input on the spec etc of something for the house. Is there a backstory of debt etc? If not it sounds very controlling.

So if the house is in your name did you own it prior to meeting him? And now he lives in a fully paid off house and tells you you can't buy anything?!

He just said I didn’t need 100 but now i don’t get any

We have a joint account which salaries go into and also have individual accounts but don’t use really.

We have a joint account for house, bills, food, cars, stuff for kids and then have our own accounts for our own personal use. I think you need a conversation about this. If you were SAHM and had debts and kept buying expensive stuff you didn't need that might be different. But you work, have savings, don't spend much. Honestly your DH sounds really controlling and boring.

You need to start using your own account. Maybe have your salary paid into your own account and work out how much it costs to run the house. Split that into half and you get what's left to yourself. Clearly this way he gets lots more to himself, but you have control over the little bit you do have.

It was my parents house

Just buy whatever you like and don't tell him. It's too your money

@Tiredmum195

He just said I didn’t need 100 but now i don’t get any

What would happen if you just told him you were spending it and that's that? That it's your money and he's got no business telling you what to do with it?

@Regularsizedrudy

This is financial abuse.

It is ABSURD to have no mortgage and 70k saving and not be “allowed” to buy clothes.

This. Are you OK OP? This situation is so obviously wrong - how did you get to the point where this was happening? How long have you. Even together?

You need your individual spending allowance in separate accounts. Then it doesn't matter if you buy many small things and he saves up his for bigger things.

I don't think £100 is much at all. Does he expect you to have no new clothes, no money for lunch out, haircuts, presents for friends?

I would divorce his ass SO FAST

Separate your earnings and don't include them in the 'pot'.

Having joint finances aren't working for you. Separate them.

Alternatively, decide a monthly long term savings amount and a monthly short term savings amount and transfer the two amounts on payday.
Calculate your outgoings - food, phones, household bills, car insurance, tax, health expenses, vet bills etc.
Then set up a standing order into your own accounts for both of you to spend as you please. E.g. 500 a month each. Use this money for hairdressers, clothes etc. Make sure that your monthly amount is increased to reflect what you spend on your child.

Is the house in your name only ? Does he ask you before buying big gadgets ?

Start getting your wages paid into your sole account

He’s always been tight with money. Married 3.5 years ... I’ve thought about leaving before