To be sick of my husband not letting me buy stuff?

[Tiredmum195]

Hi all,
Just wondering what arrangements other people have with their Dh with regards to spending money? I’m struggling with my dh being pretty controlling with regards to spending money. Eg, if I want to buy an item of clothing I would have to basically ask him first and quite often he will say, you don’t need that etc. If I just order something without consulting him first, I will get a very disapproving look and he will complain. Aibu to think I shouldn’t need his permission?

Does he only have £75 per month to spend?

Why don’t you and your husband have a direct debit of x amount that goes into your personal accounts each month?
Me and DP had the same issue. I’d be buying all sorts of ASOS parcels which he thinks is stupid, and he buys games etc which I don’t understand.
We call it our pissing up the wall budget.
None of us can judge the other on how we spend each of our pissing up the wall budget.
Big purchases that affect the family eg cars holiday or whatever, are always discussed.

Own account needed. There was a thread on here same thing he controlled everything.. we have joint ac. Big purchases discussed eg something for house. If I need something I buy it top or hoodie. Hair no spend as they all shut. He sounds controlling

House in joint names?

You both have access to the savings account?

If the above is true ^^ tell him you will be keeping a portion of your salary as you're in an excellent financial position as a family for your own use - you decide how much.

And tell him you're not inviting comments on your purchases as you're an adult.

You're very wealthy

Dh and I had a £100 and over we would inform the other just out of courtesy. I am a SAHM and I just spend what I need or want to spend. Unless you are really struggling for money why does he get to decide whether something you want is necessary or not?

You need a baby account, for all things child related, and then your own spending money.

Dh rarely spent money, it didn't mean he controlled what I spent.

You need to put x amount into your individual account and spend that on yourself. As you have no mortgage and lots of savings then you could transfer a good few hundred a month into your account. I wouldn’t even discuss it with your DH if I were in your shoes, he doesn’t sound reasonable with money. Take control and do it.

He’s not your parent. You are a grown woman. You earn your own money! He’s allowing you £75 a month pocket money? How kind! What comes out of that £75?

Are you saving for anything in particular? Is there a goal?

What I’m getting at is, there is more to running a household budget for a family than just the fixed bills, and savings are part of that, but discretionary spending is part of it too. You need a chat about priorities and how money is allocated. Not him saying here’s £75 and don’t spend a penny more...

I think you need to stand up for yourself. My DH makes comments about my shopping and says I don’t need this or that but he would never tell me I can’t spend my own money on something. That is not ok.

Or you could just put a bit less in the joint account so you have some spending money to yourself each month and don’t need to ask DP first.

Not spending is clearly how you are in the enviable position of having no mortgage and £75K in savings.
But also in the not-so enviable position of having to beg for money.
How much is his savings target? Does he know life is for living and you're a long time dead?
If you divorced, you'd have nearly £40K. Just sayin'.

@Ohalrightthen

I make my own money and get to spend it on whatever i want. My husband could try and tell me what i should and shouldn't buy, but he'd then have to learn how to suck his own cock, so he very sensibly keeps his mouth shut.

Hahahahaha love this!

Where is that £70k?

I'm with @Ohalrightthen, he is financially abusing you. If you can't discuss it with him (ie he won't talk about it) then that is an issue.

House is in my name. No not saving for anything in particular. We have little savings pots for various things too such as holidays, presents

That's shocking. DH and I both work, I'll be quitting after Mat leave to run my own business and stay home with the baby. He doesn't tell me what to do with my own money now, and he certainly won't be telling me what to do with it then. Why don't you just tell him to bugger off and it's your money? He's got no say in the matter. It's financial abuse. He can't stop you from spending your own bloody money.

I tell my Dh what I spend but he has no interest and wants me to stop. For me it’s a behaviour that I started while in an abusive relationship, much like yours! 15 years later I still struggle to spend the money that I work hard for!

In a Stocks and shares isa in my name. I guess I’ve had some really tough life experiences and have a chronic illness so I tend to live for the day rather than thinking too much about the future

What would he say if you took out more for yourself? If you put money into the joint account but put some in yours too? How would he react?

Have you decided on the amounts to spend on holidays, presents etc together?

He’s a saver. That’s a good thing unless it tips too far.

It’s not unreasonable to spend on clothes if you can afford it. So you shouldn’t be feeling awkward and hiding things.

You need a proper conversation about the overall budget and your joint financial priorities. Otherwise as your baby gets older it will get trickier if he’s always wanting to scrimp but you think things are needed to spend on.

Discussing your goals and priorities is key.

Most of what I buy for myself is unnecessary! My husband and I actually joke about it because whenever there's a delivery it's never something we need or a necessity. However he would never stop me spending money on things I wanted unless perhaps we had debt or I was stuffing the wardrobe full of clothes I never wore.

You are an adult. You should be able to spend some of the money you've earned on whatever the hell you like, within reason.

You have no mortgage and loads of savings so why shouldn't you have a few treats? Why is he the boss of you?

So there’s no practical limitation? You could just spend what you see fit? Do that. Tell him you’re not having him bean counting to this extent anymore and he’s getting right on your tits.

I'd consider £75 to be plenty just for personal wants, as long as he gets the same.

This is awful and appalling. It's not for him to say whether or not you "need" new clothes. I'd say that even if you weren't earning and were in a tougher financial position, but as you are, it's even more atrocious.

Assuming he has other good qualities and you want to stay with him, you need to address this. Best bet is probably a family budget where you allocate a set - and decent - sum of money each month for each of your discretionary spending, and then you spend that how you want. In your case, I'd move that into your own account each month. You work hard, you are allowed to enjoy some of that money.

Dh works full time, me part time. I can buy what I like, whenever. Our only rule is to ok any purchases over £100 with each other first. Would drive me nuts having to ask or getting disapproving looks when stuff arrived.

What a horrible way to live. You are an adult and are allowed to make your own choices.

I agree that you need control over your salary. And stop letting your husband control you.