To be sick of my husband not letting me buy stuff?

[Tiredmum195]

Hi all,
Just wondering what arrangements other people have with their Dh with regards to spending money? I’m struggling with my dh being pretty controlling with regards to spending money. Eg, if I want to buy an item of clothing I would have to basically ask him first and quite often he will say, you don’t need that etc. If I just order something without consulting him first, I will get a very disapproving look and he will complain. Aibu to think I shouldn’t need his permission?

OP, youd be in a better position financially on your own and you wouldn't be being abused

What CorianderBee said! His double standards in terms of his own discretionary spending and yours is really unfair.

The most possible generous interpretation of his behaviour would be that he's anxious about money. If that is the case you should have a join account for essential bills and whatever you agree should be saved and you should then have half of the discretionary spending budget in your personal bank accounts. For you each to spend no questions asked. If he wants to save his share? Fine. If you want to spend yours in the first of the month? Fine.

In laws did this and it saved their marriage. FiL is a penny pincher and a bit of a cheapskate (always the last to buy a round). MiL is overly generous (she'll offer to pay for dinner even if she can't afford it) and will just keep spending until the bank won't let her take out any more. Neither are bad people just very different financially. Separate accounts saved her feeling constantly nagged and Fil feeling constantly stressed.

If on the other hand your DH is just controlling and/or narcisstic there is no solution but to leave. The test will be how he reacts to you calmly bringing up your concerns and telling him how the situation makes you feel. If he's prepared to have seperate accounts for discretionary spending with equal amounts for each of you I'd be inclined to try it. If he has no interest in your feelings you have your answer.

How much do you have leftover between you at the end of the month, that is the real question? Is there something massive you are saving for as a family you haven't mentioned?

But with no mortgage and 70k in savings this sounds utterly ridiculous and extremely controlling, whether or not you work or have children.

DH and I are high earners and have always earned the same pretty much. We have a joint account and basically buy what we want unless it's something over about £200 in which case we'd mention it to the other person out of courtesy. It helps we have similar perspectives on money and spending, what is good value etc. But even if we didn't, I'd have expected that to be resolved after 3-4 years together.

Basically - WHY DOES HE GET TO MAKE THE RULES? It's your parents house, you're contributing to income and do most of the childcare which saves you a lot of money per month, you have huge savings - who put him in charge? He needs to realise that just because he doesn't think something is worth buying doesn't make him right, that's just his opinion. And everyone's opinions are valid.

@PyongyangKipperbang said it with bells on.

I would hate to read an update where your dh has taken half your inheritance. You seem a bit lukewarm about your marriage. It would be sensible to get legal advice.

Op, you are a grown woman. You are perfectly capable of deciding when you want/need to buy something. What gives him the right to dictate what you do and don’t need? This is totally controlling and abusive. You don’t need to tolerate this.

If he has a go at you and says "I told you before about spending money" what does he say then? Does he say he just wants it saved? Is he anxious about future? Moving house in future? Enough to live off if you both were out of work? Business plan in future? For your child? To die rich?
If you don't work out where this is coming from I think it will always be a tension.

Change things around.

We both work full time, he earns a bit more than me but that's only been recently.

We put two thirds of our salaries into a joint account, £100 each a month into a holiday account on top of that two thirds, then the rest is our own. We've discussed other ways to do it - ie, all of our money goes into the joint account and we have a set amount each the same as our own, but the differences between us at the moment are negligable and we still treat each other from our own money etc.

YANBU, but we need more info here, i.e. do you share accounts ? if so, it's better to get your own and have your money there.

You need a serious discussion about saving some for the future, spending some and enjoying life in the present.
If he mentions that he's earning the majority of the money, remind him that you have no mortgage or rent to pay because of your contribution, therefore you are equal. That you won't be controlled.

Assertiveness training. Do some reading. Refuse to feel guilty. It needs to be a joint decision, not his. If he still refuses to see your point, then you have no option but to leave him. It's easier for your child when they are young.

And neither of us would never "ban" the other from buying anything but if DH wanted some fancy new gadget and we had previously discussed booking a holiday or buying something more essential, of course it would get discussed.

Discussion is perfectly reasonable, so long as both partners have equal input into the discussion and both opinions are respected. That is not what is happening in the OP.

Baffled as to why he gets to tell you what you can and can’t buy - very weird.

@PyongyangKipperbang

So.... your money is "ours" and his money is his?

You vastly out "wealth" him, and this is why he is abusing you. He knows you could afford to chuck him out tomorrow, so he is wrecking your self esteem so you dont. He needs you more than you need him.

Take the inheritance your mother left you (to the penny) and half of you joint savings (to the penny) and put them in your own savings account. There is NOTHING he can do about this. Its perfectly legal.

Then get your income paid into your personal account and pay 33.3% of your household outgoings into the joint account (he earns twice what you do, he pays 66.6%). Keep the rest.

Use your increased income to look at what you want to do with you home, maybe leave it in trust to your children, so he can never claim on it. Oh and get some advice about making sure he can never put a land registry claim on it.

This.

You sound depressed OP.

Is there anyone you can confide in in real life? You urgently need some legal advice. You are sleepwalking into a situation where you husband would be legally entitled to half the house and half your savings if you divorce.

To be honest, I would love you to consider divorcing him now. As pps have said, in a short marriage you will still be protected.

I have just had to give a LOT of money to my ex. I had all the assets when we married. That's the law. We had been married much longer than you though. Please don't lose your mum's house to this man.

this really depends. If I had to consult DH and he said 'no' then that would be controlling because
a)we have spare money
b)I don't spend much anyway, so it's very unlikely I would go over budget
c)he is also unlikely to have made a big purchase that I don't know about

However, if money is tight or if you are in the habbit of overspending or running up credit card debt, or if you have agreed to save up for a big thing then maybe its different.

In your situation, I would start charging him rent to live in your house and use that for personal spending.

This is not a married partnership OP. This you being beholden and downtrodden.

You need to take steps to remedy this urgently.

So the house is in your name and the majority of savings is yours but he begrudges you spending a bit of money? Sorry but he doesn’t have a leg to stand on there really and he sounds insecure and petty.

You have no debt

You have no credit cards

You own a house - mortgage free

You have £70k of savings

If this is real (and you do have to wonder), then you are financially independent at a young age. So get rid of him if the relationship isn't working. There are so many women that are trapped in marriages that they can't afford to leave. You're not one of them.

What do you want for yourself, OP? WHat life would you picture for yourself if you could?

What we do is each get paid salaries into our own accounts then both contribute an amount to the joint account for bills then whatever we have left in the joint account e do whatever we want with. Wouldn't dream of asking if I could buy something with my own money and vice versa. The only things we would mention is if it was a big purchase

@wasthataburp

What we do is each get paid salaries into our own accounts then both contribute an amount to the joint account for bills then whatever we have left in the joint account e do whatever we want with. Wouldn't dream of asking if I could buy something with my own money and vice versa. The only things we would mention is if it was a big purchase

Whatever we have left in our own accounts I mean.

@Pumpkinpied

Unless you’re on a strict budget then YANBU. I don’t even consult DH when I buy a new car.

This is like one of those replies on a post where someone is worried about their child and someone says their child climbed Mount Everest at 3 months old. We are both high earners & I don't discuss the majority of my purchases but I'd find it a bit bizarre to not ask for input or advice before buying a car or something that will have a bearing on the family (if you have children, safety ratings etc).

OP I hope you are ok 🌺

As others have said, if you are in any doubt about this man then get legal advice and end it soon as the longer it goes on for the greater the claim he has on your assets.

DH have no mortgage and substantial savings, he earns more than I do, but both of us check with the other about most spends. It might just be I’m ordering x from amazon do you want anything? But we do discuss large purchases as we are both careful with money. He things I can be a bit tight.we don’t have spending limits, it’s just a case of do we need it, is it the best price, will we use it? MSE money mantras 😄

In your situation I don’t get why you would have spending limits, it’s very different if you were saving up or skint and both sticking to an agreed budget but this is financially abusive and you need to stand up for yourself and guard your assets

Sounds like you're being financially controlled which is a form of abuse.

You should not have to ask to buy something unless there are special circumstances such as being on a strict budget etc.

How are things OP 🌺