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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be sick of my husband not letting me buy stuff?

404 replies

Tiredmum195 · 28/01/2021 17:13

Hi all,
Just wondering what arrangements other people have with their Dh with regards to spending money? I’m struggling with my dh being pretty controlling with regards to spending money. Eg, if I want to buy an item of clothing I would have to basically ask him first and quite often he will say, you don’t need that etc. If I just order something without consulting him first, I will get a very disapproving look and he will complain. Aibu to think I shouldn’t need his permission?

OP posts:
ParadiseIsland · 28/01/2021 18:03

You do realise that you are actually trying to explain why you are spending money on a hobby. To US on MN.
You are so used to have to account to every single thing you soend and to have to prove it was necessary, you are doing to us, posters, even before anyone is questioning you.

You have plenty of saving, a house with no mortgage. You are working. It is totally normal for you to spend some money on clothes or a hobby. Even if you are not planning to make a business out of it and just do it for pleasure.
Just like when your ‘D’H spends money on a new phone or whatever other big gadget he wants.

unlikelytobe · 28/01/2021 18:04

I never understand women allowing this to happen. Your salary should be paid into your own account and his salary into his account then you both pay into the joint account by direct debit/standing order - either the same amount each or proportionate to your incomes. All joint expenses - household bills, baby clothes etc come out of the joint account and anything else come from your own account. Simples! No need to ask his permission for anything or get an allowance. He is abusing you financially and you need to change this.

NoSquirrels · 28/01/2021 18:05

@Tiredmum195

He rarely buys stuff. Only big things like cars, gadgets etc. Eg recently bought a new phone . Yes I squirrel some money away but then he knows I’ve been doing that and gets annoyed
So he buys big ticket items and you’re not allowed any money at all?

Are you happy with him? Is this worth leaving over or staying and sorting out? Only you know.

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 28/01/2021 18:05

Kick the fucker out OP. (You're welcome)

Honestly he has conditioned you to think this way - take it from someone who knows! It took me years to uncondition myself from this bullshit.

DeeCeeCherry · 28/01/2021 18:07

He wants to be the richest man in the graveyard.

Tightass.

Oreservoir · 28/01/2021 18:08

chocolatesaltyballs22

Kick the fucker out OP. (You're welcome)

This

Mydogisagentleman · 28/01/2021 18:08

Both me and DH work, we have a mortgage.
I would no more ask him if I could spend money on anything than run in front of traffic.
Joint bank account, which I have no idea of how much is in - could be plus or minus. He has never questioned what I have spent.
To be fair he does question whether I need 20 cigs a day but certainly wouldn’t stop me buying them

Whatsnewpussyhat · 28/01/2021 18:09

Just look at the votes OP. Currently 235 unanimous in your favour.

Sounds like he's only happy if you spend nothing.
The issue you have is that although the house is in your name and was your parent's, you are married so it is a joint asset. You may have to pay him off if you were to divorce.

Phineyj · 28/01/2021 18:11

So you have a baby? This is going to end up, inevitably, with you buying and paying for all the child things, isn't it? I hope you don't pay all the nursery bills...

christmasathomeagain · 28/01/2021 18:12

Our money is shared but money currently isn't tight so neither of us comment on what the other buys (well I did ask if my DH really needed more new trainers after getting two new pairs for Christmas that he complains he has not had a chance to wear (they still have tags on and haven't moved from in front of the TV which is where he put them on Christmas day 🙄).

Sn0tnose · 28/01/2021 18:12

It’s not him being mean. It’s not him trying to make sure you always have a nest egg. It’s not him worrying about excessive consumerism and frittering away your cash.

This is financial abuse. Pure and simple. If you leave him, this will be something that your solicitor will want to know. That’s how serious it is.

crimsonlake · 28/01/2021 18:12

I find this quite shocking...he lives for free in a house that is in your name and is now controlling your money. It is a short marriage, so luckily you both leave with what you came in to it with as it now stands... so throw him out.

RedLlama · 28/01/2021 18:13

I don’t have to ask my husband if I am allowed something. We both work full time and get paid into our own bank accounts, transfer a set amount to the joint to cover all the bills and then the rest is fair game.

Babysharkdoodoodood · 28/01/2021 18:13

Well, if you've only been married 3.5 years, it's classed as a short one so he won't have a claim on your house ( or just a small one). Take your half of the savings and boot his stingy ass out.

tealady · 28/01/2021 18:15

@Tiredmum195

I’ve tried to discuss before and he agreed I could have 100/month but this got decreased to 75... also if I buy something now I get scared and try to hide it from him which makes it worse
It sounds like financial abuse and it worries me that you are scared of your dh. Is this fear because you think he might harm you physically in which case please stay safe.

Do you have any real life support?

pleasegodno · 28/01/2021 18:15

This is financial abuse

It is ABSURD to have no mortgage and 70k saving and not be “allowed” to buy clothes

This. And he buys stuff for himself. And he thinks he gets to give you permission or denial to buy clothes.

And you don't leave him. Its your house. You get to kick him out. And transfer your fair share from the joint account to your private account before you do.

Borderterrierpuppy · 28/01/2021 18:16

He is not the boss of you.
Why should you ask him re normal expenditure ie clothes etc.
Please stop asking his permission for normal spending.

AtLeastThreeDrinks · 28/01/2021 18:16

I don’t get why you defer to him as the person who chooses what you spend. What would happen if you sat down and said the money situation isn’t working for me, let’s keep x in the joint account and each take x a month for whatever we want. No comments, no disapproving looks, no judgment. He sounds like he’s sucking the fun out of life! And make sure you include all baby costs in the joint stuff. Set up the joint and personal accounts on Apple Pay (or always have both cards on you) so if you pick up something for the baby you can make sure it comes out of the joint account.

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 28/01/2021 18:16

I don’t ask if I want to buy something, because I’m a grown arsed woman living with a man who knows that. Seriously op, this is the epitome of financial abuse. Bet he’s got money squirrelled away too.

Singlenotsingle · 28/01/2021 18:17

I bought a dog once for £250 and didn't tell my dp. He came home to find her sitting on the sofa!

But yes, get your money paid into your own account. A joint account can work, but obviously not in this case!

addicted2spaniels · 28/01/2021 18:18

I'm not being sarcastic, it's a genuine question - why are you letting him do this?

Are you scared of him?

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 28/01/2021 18:18

@Babysharkdoodoodood

Well, if you've only been married 3.5 years, it's classed as a short one so he won't have a claim on your house ( or just a small one). Take your half of the savings and boot his stingy ass out.
This. Big time.
Blessex · 28/01/2021 18:18

OP it’s easy. You put a percentage into the joint account in direct proportion to how much you both earn. So if he earns double what you earn then he puts in double what you put in. Then the rest of each of yours to do with what you wish.

Blacktothepink · 28/01/2021 18:20

He’s financially abusing you op, dump his sorry arse and kick him out.

Wearywithteens · 28/01/2021 18:21

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.