To be sick of my husband not letting me buy stuff?

[Tiredmum195]

Hi all,
Just wondering what arrangements other people have with their Dh with regards to spending money? I’m struggling with my dh being pretty controlling with regards to spending money. Eg, if I want to buy an item of clothing I would have to basically ask him first and quite often he will say, you don’t need that etc. If I just order something without consulting him first, I will get a very disapproving look and he will complain. Aibu to think I shouldn’t need his permission?

I'm not sure it's reasonable for a SAHM to just spend their partner's money in whatever way they want? There needs to be a reasonable budget surely?

Oh I'd fully tell him to fuck off.
After your bills are paid, spend what you want.

Have you cashed the cheque yet?

HalfGirlHalfCake “Have you considered reading the actual thread?
What a ridiculous idea.”

Brilliant 😂😂

@AlmightyBob

I don't know if it's just your writing style OP but your tone is kind of flat and passive and it's hard to get to what the crux of your problem is. The majority of your savings are yours, you own your house outright - what hold does your husband have over you if not money? It doesn't sound as if you even like him very much? What's the deal?

Quite.

This isn’t your usual financial abuse thread. It’s odd.

OP, you do need some spending money without it affecting your household, mental health or relationship.
I would revert both salaries to go into your individual accounts and set up a standing order for eg 75% (provided it's enough to cover all expenses) to go into the joint account. That means you have money to save or spend on yourself guilt free.
There should be no reasonable objection to this.

This all seems very sad.

I am confused by your writing style though, it's very flat. How much is the house worth?

I find it odd that you both work, have a house without a mortgage and yet your savings is what you inherited. Where is the rest of the money if no one is spending it?

You say you thought about leaving but didn't, why didn't you?

Who put him in charge, he really isn't the boss of you.

We only have a joint account and our business account, technically the house is mine as my parents paid for it and we have no mortgage but realistically it belongs to us both. We have about £3000 left a month after bills are paid and either of us could spend this. To be fair DH hardly spends anything as I buy everything for all of us and the kids but he would never question anything, I have just spent £700 on phones which he knows nothing about but also doesn't care about.

I really hope that the fact you posted this means you are starting to have serious doubts about this.

You know that this is insane! You own a house, you have savings, and yet you are letting someone manipulate you into living a lifestyle you neither want nor need to live.

Please take control back of your own finances! (And I would dump his sorry ass as he sounds like an utter tit!)

Why are you putting up with this? Is it because you think it’s normal? Because it isn’t.

What the fuck. How could anyone legitimately think this is ‘normal’?! Seventy thousand quid languishing in savings and OP is allowing some vermin dude to dictate to her. Nah.

This sounds really odd. Hes treating you as if youre a child and hes your parent. Why dont you have any disposable income and why does he get to veto this stuff?

Christ he's landed in his feet right

I'd be kicking his ass out..

We have a joint account into which we both pay the same percentage proportion of our salaries to cover all bills plus 10% slush fund. The rest is our own to spend or save as we see fit. Works for us!

@Nicknamegoeshere

I'm not sure it's reasonable for a SAHM to just spend their partner's money in whatever way they want? There needs to be a reasonable budget surely?

OP is NOT a SAHM! You’ve just made that up!

Get everything straight with house and inheritance so he can't shaft you for it. Then tell him you'll be spending what you want from
now on and if you hear a peep of complaint about it, the marriage is over and he can pack his bags, and mean it of course.
Does he have any other redeeming qualities?

OP, you need to find out how much is in the joint account and how much he has in savings.

You've been given a house and you both work, you say he doesn't spend money and he won't let you spend money, do you must have loads of money left over, as you have no housing costs.

There's either thousands sitting in the current account or he's moved it into his own account.

As for the savings you received from your DM, I'd not consider spending those, more regard them as security for the future, especially if they are an investment product, not cash, as there could be penalties. Do you have a pension?

Between you, there should be money available from your wages to pay the bills, buy food, save for annual and irregular expenses and have some leftover for routine personal spending. So it's reasonable that you both take an amount to spend or save as you wish, eg £2-300 pm.

Does he have a plan for all this money that the family is earning but not spending. Life is for living, you have the basic security of a paid for house and financial assets on top. There's no point saving up to be the richest person in the graveyard.

I've worked a lot with survivors of domestic abuse.

Your situation is financially abusive... No question.

As others have said... Who made HIM your BOSS??

If you have any intention of leaving... Do it now to protect your inheritance... The longer the marriage lasts the more claim he is likely to have.

"There's no point saving up to be the richest person in the graveyard."
+this by poster above^^
Your poor mum pass on with 60k never spent to enjoy now you have a misery husband who doesnt want you to enjoy your inheritance.
Your father gave you the parental home has he passed on too?
My blood running cold when u mention H bought new phone and like to spend on gadgets.
Check your account make sure everything intact and move them to another new account that he not aware of it.
I hope his own 10K is not mingle with yours 60k. That it under his own account.
I hope it under your name exclusive and that he have no access whatsoever.
Honestly Get rid of him. It so abusive financially and coercive.
it feels like he waiting for the right time to reap your gains.
As if he thinking no you not allow to spend it cos it his half what a fucking bastard spend his own 10k or save more to catch up to be on equal footing.
What had he saved up in 3.5yrs so far for example?
Seriously it like he obessed with ur money. Icky.
Only another year and a half to go and he could rip the rug from under your feet.

I voted the wrong way - it’s early I’m knackered!

This is a real no no no no no no for me. I’m appalled by this sort of behaviour and in my experience it’s almost impossible to change this kind of behaviour.
I think you need to tell him he can shove it. Patronising moron!!
Grrrrrrrrr go and buy a million things and dare him to object

God I hope you are nupped the fuck out of the house and inheritance.
Speak to a solicitor about what would happen if you get divorced.
Imagine having to hand over money to cock lodger here.

He's being insane.

Pre nupped*

Sounds like financial abuse to me

Bottom line is it sounds like you're not happy and you've said you've thought about leaving. Is this what you want to do? I wouldn't be happy either because he sounds controlling to the point of being abusive.

My mum's exh was like this. He was a malignant narcissist. It escalated to not letting her go out anywhere on her own, called her literally every 2 minutes if she did, etc. Not saying this is your situation, but still.

I would talk to him about your serious concerns - that you really disagree with this arrangement and have considered leaving the marriage. Have a conversation with him. If you're married you should be able to talk about something that's making you so unhappy.

If you don't feel safe or comfortable doing that...yeah that's another red flag to leave.