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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be sick of my husband not letting me buy stuff?

404 replies

Tiredmum195 · 28/01/2021 17:13

Hi all,
Just wondering what arrangements other people have with their Dh with regards to spending money? I’m struggling with my dh being pretty controlling with regards to spending money. Eg, if I want to buy an item of clothing I would have to basically ask him first and quite often he will say, you don’t need that etc. If I just order something without consulting him first, I will get a very disapproving look and he will complain. Aibu to think I shouldn’t need his permission?

OP posts:
MissLucyEyelesbarrow · 28/01/2021 20:37

@Ginfordinner

I think you need legal advice here. Maybe put the house in trust for your child so he can't get his hands .on it if you part ways.

If you already have enough money of your own why do you need permission from him to spend it? It isnt his money. What would happen if you just bought some nice things for yourself without asking him first?

If you are scared of what he would do if you spent money on yourself you must realise that this is not normal. This is a very dysfunctional relationship and fincancial abuse.

Do you think he might have married you for your money?

You must get legal advice. There is a very good chance that he will walk away with half of everything your parents left you, unless you are careful. Don't kid yourself that it can't happen because it was yours before you married. The house being in your name doesn't protect you because it's the marital home. Do not bury your head in the sand - speak to a solicitor.
cuparfull · 28/01/2021 20:38

@Tiredmum195

He’s always been tight with money. Married 3.5 years ... I’ve thought about leaving before
You dont leave! He leaves unless he changes dramatically. The power balance is unequal so you need to get your ducks in a row over the next couple of months......plan plan plan and get rid.
SomethingNastyInTheBallPool · 28/01/2021 20:40

Who the fuck made him the boss of you?! How dare he tell you what you can and can’t do?! I’d be getting legal advice on how to get him out of my home.

1Morewineplease · 28/01/2021 20:43

You need to end this.
I've just gone back and only read your posts.
They become increasingly frightening.
You live in your house. Owned by you. You need to buy what you and your children need. He is financially abusing you. He needs to leave.
He has no right to tell you what you need. To reduce your spending to £75 per month is stupid.

BeautifulStar · 28/01/2021 20:45

I just asked dh if I could buy a pair of Gucci shoes and he said no. I ordered them anyway (who knows when il get to even wear them?!) the point is he doesn’t control me - I don’t let him.
Once you’ve paid the bills/food etc just spend your money on what you want Op - no need to ask him. He sounds like a miserly old fart.

Anotheruser02 · 28/01/2021 20:52

I agree with those saying you need legal advise. He needs to leave not you.

blubberball · 28/01/2021 20:57

I was in a financially abusive marriage like this. It's a miserable way to live. Today I bought a shit load of make up for myself, because I fucking felt like it. I still get feelings of guilt, or what if he finds out? So much better to be free of his control.

CherryBlossomTree7 · 28/01/2021 20:58

Sounds like financial abuse to me.

You've said you're not struggling financially so to try and stop you making small purchases is not right.

lalafafa · 28/01/2021 20:59

@kowari

I'd consider £75 to be plenty just for personal wants, as long as he gets the same.
£75 with two incomes, no mortgage? It’s a pittance.
ShellieEllie · 28/01/2021 21:02

Being tight with money is a really unattractive trait.

AgentJohnson · 28/01/2021 21:03

If you think it’s bad now, wait until his financial abuse extends to caring for his daughter. He won’t want to pay for nursery, school trips etc.

The longer you stay married to this abusive twat, the more you will have to hand over to him in your divorce.

lalafafa · 28/01/2021 21:04

Get a fucking grip. Tell him you’ll spend what you like. Are you scared he’ll get physical with you?

harknesswitch · 28/01/2021 21:06

My ex was like this, it's one of the reasons I left. My now dh doesn't question anything I spend money on, it's so refreshing

Colouringaddict · 28/01/2021 21:13

Sorry, put them where he CAN’T get them

ScatteredMama82 · 28/01/2021 21:14

That's not right OP. My DH and I have joint accounts, no personal ones. We have an agreed budget for what needs to be paid, including mortgage overpayments and savings. After that, we spend what we please. Out of courtesy if it's a lot of money (say £100 or more) we'll discuss it but neither of us would ever say 'no, you don't need that'. We both work bloody hard. He earns more than me, but only because my career has taken a back-seat for the sake of the children so fair's fair.

Nopester · 28/01/2021 21:14

@RaspberryCoulis

Depends on the context though doesn't it, *@bridgetreilly*.

We have a joint account, I can spend what I want. DH can spend what he wants. But if either of is us thinking of making a larger purchase (say £100 plus), we'd run it past the other one first. That's just common courtesy, surely? That would apply if I fancied a designer handbag, or he wanted a new camera or something.

And neither of us would never "ban" the other from buying anything but if DH wanted some fancy new gadget and we had previously discussed booking a holiday or buying something more essential, of course it would get discussed.

No! This is also financial abuse! Dh and I both work. He earns loads more than me. I earn 30k. He pays more than me into the joint acc because he earns more. I'm not entirely sure what he has left to spend but he seems to be doing alright. I have about 1k left over after bills and savings every month. If I wanted to buy something over £100 for myself I just would. It has fuck all to do with dh. I probably save half but I don't have to, nobody's going to tell.me off. Where do you all get these weird financially controlling husbands from? The 1800s?!
Winter2019 · 28/01/2021 21:20

I'm currently SAHM. Our money is together but the account is on his name. Don't need to ask him/tell him if I order anything but he knows I wouldn't buy anything expensive really. And I normally tell him anyway what I'm planning on buying. I think it really depends on your spending habits. If he's like that about every little thing you buy, it's not right however if you spend hundreds/thousands on clothes/make up regularly he might have a point

Nopester · 28/01/2021 21:22

@Winter2019

I'm currently SAHM. Our money is together but the account is on his name. Don't need to ask him/tell him if I order anything but he knows I wouldn't buy anything expensive really. And I normally tell him anyway what I'm planning on buying. I think it really depends on your spending habits. If he's like that about every little thing you buy, it's not right however if you spend hundreds/thousands on clothes/make up regularly he might have a point
So could you for example buy a dyson hairdryer for £400 without asking? I hope so.
TatianaBis · 28/01/2021 21:24

It's a terrible shame you married him OP, with those assets. You stand to lose a lot on divorce.

ktp100 · 28/01/2021 21:32

I have a friend who's DH is controlling like this. If she needs something, even clothes, he goes and buys it for her.

You're an adult and should have some autonomy over the things you need/want/buy.

Elsielouise13 · 28/01/2021 21:34

@Pumpkinpied

Unless you’re on a strict budget then YANBU. I don’t even consult DH when I buy a new car.
You don’t even ask him if he likes the colour? Or if the spend might impact on your joint spending? I’m jealous of your joint income.

Or maybe it’s a cheap car

Catty1720 · 28/01/2021 21:37

So if you left him he’d have all your savings?? He’s a control freak

Wallywobbles · 28/01/2021 21:39

So what do you want to do about it? It's not going to improve without action on your part. He seems like a useless addition to your life.

MissLucyEyelesbarrow · 28/01/2021 21:43

So could you for example buy a dyson hairdryer for £400 without asking? I hope so

Truly MN is another world.

There are millions of couples who can't just spend £400 without checking with each other, because it's way more than their entire disposable income for a month. That doesn't mean anyone's being financially abused.

In the OP's case, she is very well off but being kept on a pittance. That's financial abuse.

Cornishclio · 28/01/2021 21:43

The house is in your name and most of the savings are also in your name so certainly you do not leave if the house was left to you and I would not take that sort of financial control from my husband. That is way too controlling and it sounds like you do not need to be that careful. I don't consult my DH on anything I buy from my personal account and either of us will spend up to £100 from the joint without consulting the other.

The arrangements we have is that money goes into a joint account and we each get money into our personal accounts every month for things like clothes, hobbies etc. We both used to get £200 a month each but my husband has more expensive hobbies than me so I upped his to £300. I could have upped mine too but seemed pointless as I don't spend £200 just on clothes and hair and my hobbies are cheap. We have a conversation about how much and have a monthly budget. I think I would have a conversation with him and tell them that as your budget shows you can afford for you to have some money towards clothes then you are going to transfer that to your personal account every month and he has no right to quiz you on where it is spent. Suggest he does the same and if he wants to save his then fine.

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