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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be sick of my husband not letting me buy stuff?

404 replies

Tiredmum195 · 28/01/2021 17:13

Hi all,
Just wondering what arrangements other people have with their Dh with regards to spending money? I’m struggling with my dh being pretty controlling with regards to spending money. Eg, if I want to buy an item of clothing I would have to basically ask him first and quite often he will say, you don’t need that etc. If I just order something without consulting him first, I will get a very disapproving look and he will complain. Aibu to think I shouldn’t need his permission?

OP posts:
converseandjeans · 28/01/2021 21:43

I would get some financial advice. Honestly I think you would be better off on your own with your house paid off and money in the bank. Even if you have to pay him off. It sounds like he's really insecure about the fact that you have more than him so it's his way of controlling you. He has no right to do that as you have your own income.

FangsForTheMemory · 28/01/2021 21:45

Did you already have the house when you met him? I’m wondering if he saw marriage to you as a good investment tbh. I’m sorry.

BiddyPop · 28/01/2021 21:49

This sounds wrong on so many levels.

You own the house that your DF gave you.
The money you have in savings are your inheritance from your DM.
You work PT and have a young DC.

What had been agreed as an "allowance" for you to spend, grudgingly by the sound of it, had been reduced by 25% and is now no longer available.

You are not able to buy yourself clothes or things to treat yourself, but he is.
You are in a very fortunate position of being secure through having a house owned outright and significant savings.

But you still have no freedom to spend even a little as you "must keep saving".

AnotherNC321 · 28/01/2021 21:50

I really hope OP isn’t telling the truth and is finding an outlet for her creative writing...

If it is true, get your ducks in a row - I’m sure plenty of PP have given advice.

Order whatever you want, order yourself a takeaway, spend a fortune on a course that you want, buy everything you want online and get it ordered to your house. Set your phone onto record for evidence of his reaction.

Then kick his sorry arse out of yours, and your child’s house. Do it sooner than later as he won’t be entitled for half of YOUR house/finances until the 7 year marker (if you’re in the U.K.). But beforehand empty the joint account as you’re fully allowed to.

PyongyangKipperbang · 28/01/2021 21:50

So.... your money is "ours" and his money is his?

You vastly out "wealth" him, and this is why he is abusing you. He knows you could afford to chuck him out tomorrow, so he is wrecking your self esteem so you dont. He needs you more than you need him.

Take the inheritance your mother left you (to the penny) and half of you joint savings (to the penny) and put them in your own savings account. There is NOTHING he can do about this. Its perfectly legal.

Then get your income paid into your personal account and pay 33.3% of your household outgoings into the joint account (he earns twice what you do, he pays 66.6%). Keep the rest.

Use your increased income to look at what you want to do with you home, maybe leave it in trust to your children, so he can never claim on it. Oh and get some advice about making sure he can never put a land registry claim on it.

Bridgespot · 28/01/2021 21:51

OP I haven't read the whole thread. Sorry. But all I can say is: you are bringing in some money. Your unit is financially fine. Go ahead and buy things; live your own life. (And yes - you can live your own life even if you don't want to end your relationship! Just live it!). He disapproves of your hobby? That is entirely his problem. You like it, you need it, you do it, you fund it. End of.

That said, make sure you are ALWAYS keeping some of your income for yourself, because that is, in and of itself, important.

Bridgespot · 28/01/2021 21:53

Oh and yeah, now that I've RTWT, he is entirely out of line. You owe him nothing.

NeverForgetYourDreams · 28/01/2021 21:53

We have our own accounts and a joint one for mortgage and bills.

That way i buy what I want and so does he. We do discuss large purchases still tho mainly for each other's opinions

I've calculated the input to the joint account so it's fair because he earns more than me so it's not a 50/50 split

Has worked well for 22 years.

Chambored · 28/01/2021 21:55

@thissemicharmedlife

Does he also discuss with you when he wants to make a purchase?
This. If there’s an embargo on purchases I’d hope it’s a two way street. Or is it just a one way thing, in your direction?
Lemmeout · 28/01/2021 21:56

I’m sure there will be loads of advice.
I only chose Yabu because Yabu to not know the answer to this. Of course he’s being a knobber . Run away.

Bananalanacake · 28/01/2021 21:57

It's as though you've let a virtual stranger move into your property and he's telling you you can't spend your own money, no man has the right to do this. I am also wondering if he married you for the house and wanted you to have a baby so you would be tied to him for 18 years.

blowinahoolie · 28/01/2021 21:57

Have a chat with him and set boundaries over what you both can spend equally. No one should need to ask permission.

I don't work but DH would never bat an eyelid if I wanted a new jumper or pair of shoes.

Cornishclio · 28/01/2021 22:00

As it is a short marriage in the event of a split you would normally both just leave with what you brought in to it. Don't let this situation fester. If he gets annoyed what happens? Bad atmosphere. He sounds like a bully and you have to stand up to bullies so I would have a conversation with him and tell him that he has to stop the constant disapproval whenever you spend anything. From the sound of it the savings are mostly an inheritance from your parents so what does he bring to the table?

Ontheboardwalk · 28/01/2021 22:04

So at his reduced rate you get less than £2.70 a day for everything you need fuck that

You need to sort this now before childcare and other costs come into play

You say he gets annoyed if you buy baby clothes as you’ve already got some. You seem in a very comfortable position money wise. This isn’t normal behaviour

HalfGirlHalfCake · 28/01/2021 22:05

Have you considered earning your own money?

Askingforfriend · 28/01/2021 22:09

@Tiredmum195

He just has a go at me saying he’s told me before about spending money
Those would be fighting words in our house. My husband isn't the boss of me. "told" ...if a man tried that on me I'd "tell" him where he can stick his "told"

"discuss" or "agree" about something, sure, but we are equals. We are working towards the same goals so agreement is crucial.

We have a pre-agreed amount that we can spend up to before consulting each other. When we are better off the amount is raised and when we have been tighter the amount was lowered. We've also had discussions where DH (who usually tracks our accounts) has said something like "we need to cover XYZ or save for ABC, can we both go easy on spending this month?" ...but he doesn't tell me, we talk about it and agree. Sometimes the discussion is "sure, how much are we talking", sometimes it is "what about we use X to pay for that?" If one of spent more and it became an issue then we would probably do a spending money in separate accounts system instead.

If you are not being treated like an intelligent and competent adult who can manage their money without being told off then ask yourself why that is. Have you personally had money issues before or is he a controlling prick?

Ontheboardwalk · 28/01/2021 22:13

@HalfGirlHalfCake

Have you considered earning your own money?
Have you considered reading the actual thread?
trevorandsimon · 28/01/2021 22:14

So why aren't you arguing back and tell him to stuff himself?! Woman up! Tell him to get stuffed! Why don't you stand up for yourself? Tell him it's your own money and you can spend it how you like?

What are you actually saying to him when he tells you off like a child?

IdblowJonSnow · 28/01/2021 22:16

Please get financial and legal advice OP. I'd make plans to get him out and start moving some money around if you can.
He sounds miserable. By the top you want and tell him you no longer need his permission. Let him have his little sulk.
Good luck. Flowers

trevorandsimon · 28/01/2021 22:19

And why aren't you answering any of these questions??!!

Ltdannygreen · 28/01/2021 22:19

Me and DP have separate accounts, it works great for us, well we don’t tell each other what we can and can’t buy. We earn it individually so have a right to spend it individually, the bills get paid, the kids get fed, watered and clothed so whatever’s left is for whatever we want.

JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows · 28/01/2021 22:20

OP, you have the means and the money to kick him out. Do it. What a miserable life having to beg your husband to buy clothes with your own money. Is this how you'd want your child to live their life? Because what happens when he refuses to pay for a school trip or a birthday party for them? They suffer immensely

HalfGirlHalfCake · 28/01/2021 22:23

@Ontheboardwalk

Have you considered reading the actual thread?

What a ridiculous idea.

MMMarmite · 28/01/2021 22:24

I started this thread thinking "well maybe he's worried cos they're on the bread line"...

You have 60k savings, you own your house, and you work. Of course you're entitled to spend money on clothes and your hobby. LTTB (leave the right bastard).

MMMarmite · 28/01/2021 22:25

*tight, not right!!

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