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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be sick of my husband not letting me buy stuff?

404 replies

Tiredmum195 · 28/01/2021 17:13

Hi all,
Just wondering what arrangements other people have with their Dh with regards to spending money? I’m struggling with my dh being pretty controlling with regards to spending money. Eg, if I want to buy an item of clothing I would have to basically ask him first and quite often he will say, you don’t need that etc. If I just order something without consulting him first, I will get a very disapproving look and he will complain. Aibu to think I shouldn’t need his permission?

OP posts:
Lovely1a2b3c · 28/01/2021 20:06

It sounds like you're wealthy (to have paid off your mortgage) so YANBU.

If you were struggling financially as a family then I can see why expensive clothes might not be a priority.

Nanny0gg · 28/01/2021 20:08

@Tiredmum195

Don’t have a budget for clothes or anything
Does he buy stuff he wants?
Ginfordinner · 28/01/2021 20:09

I think you need legal advice here. Maybe put the house in trust for your child so he can't get his hands .on it if you part ways.

If you already have enough money of your own why do you need permission from him to spend it? It isnt his money. What would happen if you just bought some nice things for yourself without asking him first?

If you are scared of what he would do if you spent money on yourself you must realise that this is not normal. This is a very dysfunctional relationship and fincancial abuse.

Do you think he might have married you for your money?

HighlandHolly · 28/01/2021 20:10

You need to exit this marriage OP. He is abusing you financially. So many women on these boards are stuck, as they’re don’t have a home or resources if they leave. You do!! Please act on it. The longer you stay married, the more he’ll grind you down and take from you in an inevitable divorce

peboh · 28/01/2021 20:11

I'm a sahm, so no income. Dh and I don't share bank accounts, only have a shared credit card. I have full access to all the money he earns (after bills of course) and have never had to ask permission to buy anything. If it's not going on the credit card then I will double check I can put it on his card (if it's a bigger purchase) just to ensure the available funds.
I find it strange when anybody has to ask their partner for money, or permission to buy things. I find it even stranger that you earn your own money and still have to ask.

chipsandpeas · 28/01/2021 20:11

move your money out of the joint saving into an account in your own name
get your wages put into your own account
kick him out

ZippedyDooDa · 28/01/2021 20:13

OP From what I can gather you personally own the house outright and have £60 in savings. So why do you need to get permission to spend your own money?
I’ve tried to discuss before and he agreed I could have 100/month but this got decreased to 75...
Why do you not have access to enough money that you can spend what you like? You have no mortgage, and tons of savings - why can you not access this money?

ZippedyDooDa · 28/01/2021 20:13

£60k I mean...

Viviennemary · 28/01/2021 20:16

Depends on how tight money is. If you can't pay your essential bills you can't afford new clothes.

Ginfordinner · 28/01/2021 20:17

@Viviennemary

Depends on how tight money is. If you can't pay your essential bills you can't afford new clothes.
But she can. Read her updates.
crossfitjunkie · 28/01/2021 20:18

Extremely far from normal!

You are contributing a significant amount to a household with fairy modest outgoings (you mentioned no mortgage). Why would you have to ask permission to spend money you have earned? Is your DH otherwise controlling. It doesn't seem normal to need his permission. Especially not when funds are plenty.

Im a big believer of all money pooled for family expenses and an equal allowance in your own account each to spend save gift or go wild with as you see fit.

Does your DH ask you permission every time he spends anything?

Remember you are equal partners and not staff or a child!

sarahC40 · 28/01/2021 20:19

Err spend your money how you want when you’ve contributed a scaled amount covering your bills. What an unattractive sounding man - does he make up for this miserly attitude in other ways?

allthegoodusernameshavegone · 28/01/2021 20:19

How on earth has this situation arisen. I cannot comprehend having what you have and even considering asking to be able to spent MY money! When did he gain such a hold over you, my advice is to take your money and get shot. And never ever allow another person to manipulate you again.

Arabiannights01 · 28/01/2021 20:20

I could have written this myself OP. It is not ok at all. I have just started working again after mart leave and my OH has just told me that I have to pay half of everything and he will never sub me if I need anything. I will have to ‘save.’ OH earns a load more than my measly salary! These men are total control freaks and it’s just disrespectful.

melissasummerfield · 28/01/2021 20:21

Why did you go back to work when your baby is 3mo old if you clearly dont need the money?

None of this makes sense Hmm

Viviennemary · 28/01/2021 20:21

Sorry I didn't read the thread. This is beyond dreadful. OP needs to see a solicitor and leave this complete nutcase of a man. All those savings and can't buy anything.

Emeraldshamrock · 28/01/2021 20:24

You need to include spending money in your budget.
Some people are just tight my BIL lives like a pauper watching his saving, checking in with bitcoin every minute family wearing rags and eating lentils.
He knows the price of everything but the value of nothing.
He'll die rich.

Shrivelled · 28/01/2021 20:25

Not trying to defend him but does he actually know this is not a normal way to manage family finance? I have friends (a couple) who operate like this and they both think it’s totally normal.

Gilly12345 · 28/01/2021 20:28

What is your situation? We both have our own bank accounts and we have a joint account for the household bills, we both spend our money on what we individually need and once the bills are paid our money is our money to spend or save.

Bourbonbiccy · 28/01/2021 20:30

If he gets angry at your spending on yourself, you need to just leave him if he can't see how controlling this is.

Yes, if you are struggling for money or user loads of debt or a history of a spending problem, but if it's just he doesn't approve, nah sorry.

AlmightyBob · 28/01/2021 20:30

I don't know if it's just your writing style OP but your tone is kind of flat and passive and it's hard to get to what the crux of your problem is. The majority of your savings are yours, you own your house outright - what hold does your husband have over you if not money? It doesn't sound as if you even like him very much? What's the deal?

WeAreShiningStars · 28/01/2021 20:31

I couldn't live like that, OP. You brought everything of value into the marriage, and yet there he sits, financially controlling you and and preventing you from enjoying any of it.

It'd tell him to get to fuck. But talk to a solicitor first. Get a good one.

Colouringaddict · 28/01/2021 20:32

OP, do you come from a culture where women defer to their husbands/fathers?

It’s 2021 now, women have equal rights. If he wants to dictate, then take your savings and put them where he can get them, and start dictating to him, oh and charge him rent in the meantime!

ranoutofquinoaandprosecco · 28/01/2021 20:34

My DH used to be a bit like this. It wasn't that he didn't want me spending money, it was more that what was important to me wasn't to him and vice versa. Once I explained how it made me feel, we put together a household budget, I put so much of my salary in the joint account and the rest is for me to do what I like with.

To give him his due he doesn't really buy very much even though he brings in much more than me and he often runs his purchases past me. Me I could spend every day! Also any big purchases DH will often spend more than I would, for say electronic goods, presents, cars etc and that doesn't bother me as he always does his research and makes sure it's within our budget.

Bluegrass · 28/01/2021 20:37

I don’t get it, but then I don’t have your relationship. Tell him to keep his opinions to himself, they are not wanted, or needed.

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