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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave DH for being a twat

388 replies

Glenchase · 25/01/2021 21:22

I lost my job months ago. DS’s nursery keeps closing and opening and closing (currently closed until I don’t know when) so it’s not realistic for me to get another job right now. I’m sick of being stuck in the house on my own with a toddler. Sick of watching cartoons and playing trains. Sick of going for stupid walks in the cold and having to hang onto a toddler who doesn’t want to hold my hand and be constantly alert for idiots who come too close. Last night DS woke me up several times so I had to get in bed with him and then I just lay awake till 4am crying.

Today I was tired and just had enough so we had a duvet day. Stayed in our pyjamas, didn’t do any chores like emptying the dishwasher. Watched Netflix and DS fell asleep so I read my book for a bit.

DH has come home and all hell has broken loose because we’re still in our pyjamas and haven’t tidied up. He was screaming that I’m not a teenager and I can’t just sit around in my hoody watching childish things like The Witcher and reading Terry Pratchett and playing computer games with my friends (we have a weekly online game on a Thursday 8-11pm). Because I’m a mother and I have to get dressed and go for walks or whatever.

Firstly I don’t see what’s wrong with enjoying fantasy books and tv when I have time. Or playing one game per week after my child is in bed. Why is age relevant to enjoying those things? The friends I play with are aged 30-50. Secondly I don’t see what’s wrong with wearing a hoody (DH regularly wears a hoody himself). Thirdly I just feel he’s being ungrateful because he’s never congratulated me for the hundreds of days I’ve got up and dressed DS and taken him out, but the one day I don’t do it he starts screaming at me.

AIBU to just divorce him? He’s nasty and I’m sick of being criticised for what I think are fairly normal things. I’m tired and depressed and isolated and bored, and he’s just being selfish and unsupportive.

OP posts:
user194729573 · 25/01/2021 21:25

That... is not normal. Is it "normal" for him?

AnnaFiveTowns · 25/01/2021 21:31

Yanbu. He is a twat. Life is hard right now and we're all just doing our best to get by. If he's always like this then why are you with him?

BlueSuffragette · 25/01/2021 21:31

When you say he's nasty, critical, selfish and unsupportive is this mainly just from this incident or more often? How long have you been together? You sound so fed up.

HopeYourHighHorseBucks · 25/01/2021 21:33

Eh the cheeky bastard. Tell him to get fucked.

polkadotpjs · 25/01/2021 21:34

Sounds like the straw that broke the camel's back. Sometimes they don't see what you do do, only when you have a day where you think sod it. Being a SAHM is bloody hard work. If he's always like this then time to chat and leave if you don't get any understanding or appreciation
It's not ok to treat you in this way

ChaToilLeam · 25/01/2021 21:36

Does he do anything to tidy up and help out, or does he just get on his high horse when everything isn’t to sir’s liking? He sounds like a right fud.

HighlightedTrees · 25/01/2021 21:36

Tell him that if he wants a Stepford Wife he was born in the wrong century. And would he scream at his mum/sister/work colleagues like that? Then tell him to fuck off.

ghostyslovesheets · 25/01/2021 21:37

YANBU - when all this is over get him to book 2 weeks off work and leave him with the toddler while you go away and sleep

or LTB

Draineddraineddrained · 25/01/2021 21:37

He sounds a total knobber. But also you sound depressed. Which is totally normal at these times! But not a brilliant state from which to make big life decisions.

Presumably he hasn't always been horrible and scornful of your interests or you wouldn't have had a child with him. When did this nastiness begin? When child came along? When you lost your job? At what point did he stop treating you with kindness and respect?

In terms of what to do next, the first thing I'd do is sit him down and tell him exactly as above - he has no right to question how you choose to parent given he has you at the moment as childcare on tap so his life can continue unaffected by Covid. He has no right to sneer at your pleasures, your fashion choices or indeed anything else because he is not the judge of you. That he is your husband and is supposed to love, admire and cherish you and if he can't do that any more you have a serious problem. Then see where his response to that leaves you.

I would also consider speaking to a GP about your low mood - as I say totally understandable in the circumstances, but you don't just have to suffer - there is help and treatment available.

Btw, I love Withcer, Terry Pratchett and hoodies. I'm 36 and I'm a bloody wonderful mum Grin. He's talking out of his arse.

Indoctro · 25/01/2021 21:39

Is he having to work and do all the housework.? As if it was me out all day working and coming home to a Shit tip I'd be annoyed to personally

There is always 2 sides to a story.

ChocolateCherrybomb · 25/01/2021 21:40

If my DH started literally screaming at me like he was my owner, he would be picking his fucking teeth up off the floor.

Sorry, not exactly helpful, just a viceral response.

cansu · 25/01/2021 21:41

Sounds like this was the last straw and I do understand that. It is absolutely fine to decide that he is not making your life better and to decide to call it a day. It is also fine to lay down some of your own lines in the sand whereby you expect more consideration, respect and help from him. Being at home is fucking dull and demoralising at the moment. Everyone needs a duvet day from time to time. He isn't your boss or your parent.

Crazycrazylady · 25/01/2021 21:43

To be fair, if I came home after a days work to find my sahp still in their pjs and the house like a tip, I'd be annoyed as well.
You have one child which i know its tricky in lockdown but there seems to be more going on here than than. I'd see your Gp
However what you do as your hobby is absolutely none of his business.

Draineddraineddrained · 25/01/2021 21:44

@Indoctro

*Is he having to work and do all the housework.? As if it was me out all day working and coming home to a Shit tip I'd be annoyed to personally

There is always 2 sides to a story.*

OP said it was one duvet day. The chores can go undone for a single day without the house instantly becoming 'a shit tip'. Unless you are obsessive and controlling of course.

Draineddraineddrained · 25/01/2021 21:45

@Crazycrazylady

To be fair, if I came home after a days work to find my sahp still in their pjs and the house like a tip, I'd be annoyed as well.

Really? If it happened once? And you'd scream at them and imply they were a shit parent?

Wow, you must be such a patient, supportive person Hmm

Draineddraineddrained · 25/01/2021 21:46

Also, 'my sahp'?? You don't own someone just because they're a stay at home parent!!

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 25/01/2021 21:46

@Crazycrazylady

To be fair, if I came home after a days work to find my sahp still in their pjs and the house like a tip, I'd be annoyed as well. You have one child which i know its tricky in lockdown but there seems to be more going on here than than. I'd see your Gp However what you do as your hobby is absolutely none of his business.
If it was everyday and during a fucking pandemic, maybe.

At the moment, taking the odd duvet day is absolutely acceptable and necessary.

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 25/01/2021 21:47

And NOT during a pandemic

daddyshark1976 · 25/01/2021 21:49

Some people throw divorce around like it's nothing. I read one thread the other day about Woman who was wondering whether to divorce her husband because he kept messing with the toaster settings. This forum. Crazy.

Seriously?

Thehogfatherstolemycurry · 25/01/2021 21:49

Well he kinda lost me at disrespecting The Creator.
Everyone needs a chill out and pj day once in a while, nothing wrong with that at all. If however it's every day and he's going out to work and then coming home and having to do everything that's a different story. You and he know which it is.
BTW I love Witcher and gaming too, maybe its a personality clash?

lockedownloretta · 25/01/2021 21:52

so the dh gets up and works outside the house during the pandemic and is a twat because he is annoyed that his wife is still in her pyjamas and no chores have been done when he comes home in the evening?

can we not think that actually he is having a hard time too just in a different way?

if she had said she had been out at work at all day and come home to him on the sofa , would she be a twat for losing her rag?

EVERYONE is struggling right now. A conversation sounds like the way to go, acknowledging each others feelings.

CoffeeRunner · 25/01/2021 21:54

It totally depends. Was this an isolated out of character outburst after a bad day at work, bad journey etc? Or does he have a list of tasks he expects you to complete each day?

Everyone deserves a chilled day here & there, and you had still been looking after a toddler, so hardly having a day off!

If he is often like this then yes, consider leaving. He won’t change.

foreverchangingmyname · 25/01/2021 21:54

A while back, my dp used to come home and look round the house and ask "what I'd done today." He was quickly shown his child, alive, fed and happy and told anything else done besides that is a bonus.
We've just had to self isolate for 2 weeks and both kids survived not going outside, one duvet day won't hurt. In fact, it's currently a necessity once in a while.

Is he always like this or is it a new thing? In your shoes I would be having a sharp word about how much you actually do, being a sahp is hard work! As for the clothing & gaming, that's completely out of order and he has no right to judge you for these things. Honestly it would make me think twice about my future with him if this is an ongoing thing. Everyone is struggling right now, you need support and someone to uplift you, this man is doing the complete opposite

edwinbear · 25/01/2021 21:59

I see this from the other side too. DH lost his job in Nov 2019 so I’m now the only person bringing a wage in. He spends most his days pretending to look for work, but mainly playing on his phone and reading his book. He doesn’t take DC out for fresh air and just lets them stare at screens all day. It’s pissing me right off. It’s stressful when you’re responsible for bringing home all the income and things are tight financially.

However, there is a world of difference between doing fuck all for days/weeks/months on end (DH) and you having one single duvet day. If it’s just the one day you’ve sat about not doing much, he IBU. But it does sound like he’s under a lot of stress maybe?

Draineddraineddrained · 25/01/2021 22:00

@lockedownloretta

*so the dh gets up and works outside the house during the pandemic and is a twat because he is annoyed that his wife is still in her pyjamas and no chores have been done when he comes home in the evening?

can we not think that actually he is having a hard time too just in a different way?

if she had said she had been out at work at all day and come home to him on the sofa , would she be a twat for losing her rag?*

Anyone who 'loses their rag' at their partner for doing what they have to to get through a tough day, ONCE, is being a twat, yes. Bollocking your partner for having a single duvet day is being a twat. There's no two ways about that.

Besides which it's not like she's done 'nothing', she's been looking after a toddler all day. So she decided to take it easier than usual for a change? It's still a pretty full on occupation.

Of course he's having a hard time too, show me someone who isn't. But has the OP turned on him and made his hard time harder by bollocking him for not working harder, and shitting on his hobbies and parenting?