To leave DH for being a twat

[Glenchase]

I lost my job months ago. DS’s nursery keeps closing and opening and closing (currently closed until I don’t know when) so it’s not realistic for me to get another job right now. I’m sick of being stuck in the house on my own with a toddler. Sick of watching cartoons and playing trains. Sick of going for stupid walks in the cold and having to hang onto a toddler who doesn’t want to hold my hand and be constantly alert for idiots who come too close. Last night DS woke me up several times so I had to get in bed with him and then I just lay awake till 4am crying.

Today I was tired and just had enough so we had a duvet day. Stayed in our pyjamas, didn’t do any chores like emptying the dishwasher. Watched Netflix and DS fell asleep so I read my book for a bit.

DH has come home and all hell has broken loose because we’re still in our pyjamas and haven’t tidied up. He was screaming that I’m not a teenager and I can’t just sit around in my hoody watching childish things like The Witcher and reading Terry Pratchett and playing computer games with my friends (we have a weekly online game on a Thursday 8-11pm). Because I’m a mother and I have to get dressed and go for walks or whatever.

Firstly I don’t see what’s wrong with enjoying fantasy books and tv when I have time. Or playing one game per week after my child is in bed. Why is age relevant to enjoying those things? The friends I play with are aged 30-50. Secondly I don’t see what’s wrong with wearing a hoody (DH regularly wears a hoody himself). Thirdly I just feel he’s being ungrateful because he’s never congratulated me for the hundreds of days I’ve got up and dressed DS and taken him out, but the one day I don’t do it he starts screaming at me.

AIBU to just divorce him? He’s nasty and I’m sick of being criticised for what I think are fairly normal things. I’m tired and depressed and isolated and bored, and he’s just being selfish and unsupportive.

[HitchFlix]

I also wouldn't ignore my child while I sat in the sofa reading a book.

Why ever not? It's quite beneficial for them to see their parents reading. I'm pretty sure there's been research on how this improves their chances of becoming readers in later life. Hovering over them 24/7 on the other hand has shown to be pretty shit for their development so instead of berating the OP perhaps sit down and read a book on child development in front of your DC tomorrow - win win!

[HorseOfPhillipMoss]

She and her partner would have to take annual leave unpaid parental leave etc, like I DH and many of our colleagues had to before our local authority sorted out keyworker provision for under fives (3 months)

[HorseOfPhillipMoss]

@HitchFlix or read a book with your child....

[Glenchase]

Looks like you need some time to have some physical rest sometimes and to get away from your toddler
I’m alone with DS all day. There’s nobody else, I can’t get time alone. DH takes him to bed after dinner but he doesn’t always go to sleep. I get an hour or two by myself but often have to use it to do jobs like shopping list, ironing. If DS doesn’t go to sleep I take over at 10pm so DH can go to bed. Currently it’s midnight and he’s poking a train in my face. I’ll fall asleep and he’ll wake me at 7am by prising my eyelids open.

when you can't guarantee any stability to your prospective employer, your partner has a steady job you can facilitate by being home
DH has a good job with zero flexibility. I’m the primary carer. I can’t promise an employer I’ll be able to attend reliably if nursery closes for a lockdown or a bubble bursting etc. Personally I wouldn’t employ someone who couldn’t reliably attend.

The long and the short of it is if the DH has such a huge problem with ANY of these things
He had less of a problem with it a year ago when I was 3st heavier and didn’t have pink hair or a leather jacket, nor did I have a group of friends to socialise with (albeit on zoom) once a week. He’s said some horrible things about my weekly game, even though I’ve invited him to play and he isn’t interested. I think he generally regards me as irresponsible and immature because I don’t run around like a blue arsed fly.

[Oswin]

No not all people who work outside the home are key workers. You are only expected to work from home if you can. I work somewhere with a call centre. They are not key workers and they are still going in to the office. Lots are working from home but still a good chunk of people are expected in the office.

[grapewine]

And then he started ranting about how everything I like is childish, and my clothes are childish, and so is my hair, which is really not relevant. Typical behaviour from him though

This is why you should leave. What a twat.

[Vivenne]

OP I WOULD NOT stand for that behaviour from him. How rude!

[Oswin]

Ah you have lost weight and changed up your appearance. Also opening up your social life. Do you think he would much prefer if you didn't have a social life or feel good about your appearance?

[HitchFlix]

HitchFlix or read a book with your child....

I do, every single day of their lives. That doesn't mean you can't also read a book while they're present. I'm not sure why that's hard to grasp?

[SleepingStandingUp]

@HitchFlix

HitchFlix or read a book with your child....

I do, every single day of their lives. That doesn't mean you can't also read a book while they're present. I'm not sure why that's hard to grasp?

That as a mother, you're not entitled to do anything for yourself, even if your child is happily playing and playing independently which is good for them, or napping, or just generally not wanting your attention. You should always use that time to foist yourself upon them, stare at them or do housework

[Krazynights34]

OP - it’s frightening how many judgments have been formed about you on the basis of your very legitimate concern.
Starting with the things your DP said about you being childish, in behaviour, appearance and dress.
Well, your DP would be best reminded that they chose you to live with, as you were, and to have a child with.
They don’t get to demand what you do with your time.
You did have a job. You do care for your child.
You might be feeling resentful of your circumstances right now. Only you can tell if there’s an element of depression (perfectly understandable if there were to be) and whether counselling or medicine would assist.
But, I’m inclined to think that you had an “I’ve had enough” day re your child and your DP has deliberately tried to make you feel worse, rather than better, about this.
Is he ever loving?
Or understanding?
This isn’t about how all the perfect mothers (as if!) on MN think things should go.
Only you can say if it’s a step too far.
I don’t think you deserved to be shouted/ranted/screamed at.
I expect a loving DP would come home, see what is going on, ask how you (both) are, give hugs/kisses and ask how they can help.
After all, remember readers.. DP doesn’t know what went on during the day!

[Duemarch2021]

It sounds like youre both depressed... the covid situation has messed everyones mental health up, my and my DP are always arguing now... I'd get help for depression (both of you) before you make the rash decision to split up since u have kids... but yeah what he said is dickish and id be fuming too.. sounds like he has a bee in his bonnet and is stressed out

[Glenchase]

She and her partner would have to take annual leave unpaid parental leave etc
DH certainly wouldn’t be allowed to be off work. In a new job I wouldn’t have accrued any leave yet. Would you hire someone who immediately wanted unpaid leave?

She said they both have to work out of the house, in current lockdown they would be critical roles as everyone else should be WFH or furloughed
Not critical. DH’s employer just won’t let him be furloughed because he says he’ll lose money if he has to close the shop. They’ve fiddled the paperwork to claim they’re an essential shop but they’re not essential at all. Lots of employers are making excuses for why people can’t stay at home.
Glenchase you do what we had to do and you send them to the shit keyworker provision
Nursery is closed. Not keyworkers only. Closed. I’d have to find a different nursery that had places and arrange to transfer his funding. And I’d still have to be off work if the nursery bubble burst.

nowhere does OP say she left it for DH to do
I didn’t leave it for him to do. I did it later. If he decides to do it now because he can’t wait till I can be arsed later on, that’s his problem. He sometimes does this then whinges about it.

[BlackeyedSusan]

but then he would have to share the night wakings. not on to do the night shift and all day at work as well if it is not shared.

[Nanny0gg]

Blimey. Good job he didn't come home to me.

I didn't tend to stay in my pjs, but what happened or didn't happen in the house was not open to criticism.

And I often sat and read while toddler was asleep or happy playing. (Wish I'd known about Pratchett then. Many missed years of pleasure)

My DH would even sometimes come home and cook!

He really sounds extremely unpleasant. Even if he was cross his behaviour was over the top and unnecessary.

Does he have any good points?

[SleepingStandingUp]

He really sounds extremely unpleasant. Even if he was cross his behaviour was over the top and unnecessary.
This. Even if op die over state the screaming, he still realised his voice at her, in front of their young child, and then threw around personal insults because she had the audacity to lose weight and make new friends

[PyongyangKipperbang]

So he got nasty when you lost weight, gained friends and found a bit of self confidence? What a surprise. I had an ex that was just the same.

When I was fatter, less confidence and had no friends he was lovely because he was sure that there was no chance that I would find anyone else who would have me. The irony is that his vile behaviour after I lost weight and started looking after myself is what lead to me leaving him, not because I went off with someone else. He didnt believe that of course, I am sure to this day (over 20 years later) he is still convinced I had an affair, after all why else would I leave him?

[PyongyangKipperbang]

[quote HorseOfPhillipMoss]@HitchFlix or read a book with your child....[/quote]
I suggest you look into research that shows that children who are entertained constantly have no idea how to entertain themselves and are more likely to struggle as they grow old.

Boredom is good for a child, it teaches them how to entertain themselves. No tech, no parents, no one telling them what to do and they will soon find something to do. The younger you introduce them to that, the better. Interacting with them constantly is actually far more damaging than leaving them to play while you have an hour with a book.

[Jsnn]

Everyone is different but I find it quite difficult to live with someone who just can't at least do the basics every day like have a shower, brush teeth, put on clothes, etc...

Of course when someone goes on the internet and tells their side of the story it's only ever the one time that happened. I mean that's a possibility and if so it's then that's a disproportionate response and not warranted but if it's a regular occurrence you need to do something about your lack of basic hygiene/care. Coming home in the evening to someone who hasn't even gotten out of bed is pretty rough.

[ineedaholidaynow]

Didn’t sound as if DH actually had to do anything other than look after his own child when he came home. Which surely most parents working outside the home would spend some time with their child when they get home. Dinner was still cooked for him, dishwasher emptied etc.

Being nasty about the OP’s appearance, her friends, her hobbies is just nasty and possibly controlling if he doesn’t like her having friends

[PeggyHill]

So you lost weight, made new friends and gained some confidence, and he became nasty. This is story as old as time...

I think people are nit picking into details that don't matter much. It sounds like you and DH don't like each other much anymore - quite possibly stemming from him feeling threatened by your weight loss.

Don't waste time in an unhappy marriage. Life is short.

[PeanuttButtaCup]

He sounds controlling, it seems like his issue is that you’ve changed your look, lost weight and have a social life now. I would definitely be having a serious chat with him about this.

[Oswin]

@Jsnn

Everyone is different but I find it quite difficult to live with someone who just can't at least do the basics every day like have a shower, brush teeth, put on clothes, etc...

Of course when someone goes on the internet and tells their side of the story it's only ever the one time that happened. I mean that's a possibility and if so it's then that's a disproportionate response and not warranted but if it's a regular occurrence you need to do something about your lack of basic hygiene/care. Coming home in the evening to someone who hasn't even gotten out of bed is pretty rough.

Where did the OP say she hadnt gotten put of bed? They had a lazy day. She still fed and entertained the child.

[HmmSureJan]

@Jsnn

Everyone is different but I find it quite difficult to live with someone who just can't at least do the basics every day like have a shower, brush teeth, put on clothes, etc...

Of course when someone goes on the internet and tells their side of the story it's only ever the one time that happened. I mean that's a possibility and if so it's then that's a disproportionate response and not warranted but if it's a regular occurrence you need to do something about your lack of basic hygiene/care. Coming home in the evening to someone who hasn't even gotten out of bed is pretty rough.

I think your husband had found you OP

[Taikoo]

He is indeed a colossal twat.
I would divorce him.
YANBU.