To leave DH for being a twat

[Glenchase]

I lost my job months ago. DS’s nursery keeps closing and opening and closing (currently closed until I don’t know when) so it’s not realistic for me to get another job right now. I’m sick of being stuck in the house on my own with a toddler. Sick of watching cartoons and playing trains. Sick of going for stupid walks in the cold and having to hang onto a toddler who doesn’t want to hold my hand and be constantly alert for idiots who come too close. Last night DS woke me up several times so I had to get in bed with him and then I just lay awake till 4am crying.

Today I was tired and just had enough so we had a duvet day. Stayed in our pyjamas, didn’t do any chores like emptying the dishwasher. Watched Netflix and DS fell asleep so I read my book for a bit.

DH has come home and all hell has broken loose because we’re still in our pyjamas and haven’t tidied up. He was screaming that I’m not a teenager and I can’t just sit around in my hoody watching childish things like The Witcher and reading Terry Pratchett and playing computer games with my friends (we have a weekly online game on a Thursday 8-11pm). Because I’m a mother and I have to get dressed and go for walks or whatever.

Firstly I don’t see what’s wrong with enjoying fantasy books and tv when I have time. Or playing one game per week after my child is in bed. Why is age relevant to enjoying those things? The friends I play with are aged 30-50. Secondly I don’t see what’s wrong with wearing a hoody (DH regularly wears a hoody himself). Thirdly I just feel he’s being ungrateful because he’s never congratulated me for the hundreds of days I’ve got up and dressed DS and taken him out, but the one day I don’t do it he starts screaming at me.

AIBU to just divorce him? He’s nasty and I’m sick of being criticised for what I think are fairly normal things. I’m tired and depressed and isolated and bored, and he’s just being selfish and unsupportive.

[Iamtooknackeredtorun]

'Pulled the depression card'.

What a thing to say about another human being.

[Iamtooknackeredtorun]

It takes 5 minutes to unstack a dishwasher or give the plates a rinse.

So she can do that when he comes home and gives his child his undivided attention. In 5 minutes. She's not asking him to do the jobs.

[Backbee]

Dirty dishes piled up infuriate me to tears

Perhaps you should seek some help for that. Or if it 'only takes 5 minutes', if it's something you have an over the top reaction to, you could do it yourself.

[LakieLady]

@GhoulWithADragonTattoo

Unloading dishwasher is such a basic thing that you can’t avoid. Similarly cleaning kitchen after meals. I’m not saying it has to be immaculate but I wouldn’t expect to get back from work to find even basics hadn’t been done.

Lol, I've just emptied mine. It finished running the night before last.

Mind you, I live alone, so there's not shedloads of dirty stuff waiting to go in it.

[Cam2020]

I'm actually appalled at some of the replies on here ffs.

Someone calling the DH a cunt is what you're appalled about on this thread?!

[Macncheeseballs]

'I don't like walking' is the sort of thing my 8 year old says

[Plussizejumpsuit]

I don't have children and regularly leave the dishwasher to the end of the day when I'm having a day off. Didn't realise it was a domestic crime.

The state of the comments on here are just awful. I really think MN can be good for women supporting women. But then you get threads like this with a pile on about pwho has it worst and how we all have to suck it up.

OP he sounds like an unpleasant person. It's about more than your relaxed day. Do you actually like him or love him?

[SueEllenMishke]

If I had come home to a partner in PJs gaming with dishes at the sink would have to bite my tongue.

That's not what happened though....

She's explained that she games once a week when her child is in bed. We're all allowed a hobby.

There is nothing wrong with having a lazy day once in a while. I've done this with DS regularly since he was little- he loves a jama day.

It's not neglect and certainly doesn't warrant being shouted at and your appearance pulled to pieces.

[ineedaholidaynow]

Someone who is infuriated to tears by seeing dirty dishes needs to get a life. Yes if they had been a week’s worth but a couple of meal’s worth.

We stack the dishwasher as we go, but unless we have had a huge cooking/baking session during the day we leave everything that can’t go in the dishwasher to the side and do one load of washing up at the end of the day. Washing up as you go wastes a lot of water.

Still can’t get over all the posters frothing at the mouth about the poor DH who had to do all the chores when he got home, when in fact he didn’t have to do any chores

[LakieLady]

@spidermomma

I wish I had the balls to do this...
I have 3 kids all under 5, 2 are terminally ill. I have to do my chores or we get kicked out pretty much! So once they go to bed at 7/8 I clean my house from top to bottom my list is
3 bathrooms, dining room, kitchen, livingroom, toy room, & do washing this includes my skirt boards daily, that 10000 peeices of glass we have, the blinds, door frames, tbh my list is endless that I have to do daily! Currently he isn't in work so spends most of his day in bed. That's my nightly chores and I clean throughout the day to

I'm mentally fucking broke, I can't afford to leave as I have no savings and the kids need special things I can't just go my money pays the bills, his money is his. If you can do it and your so unhappy do it

Don't be in my shoes in years to come !

Holy shit, @spidermomma, I'm so sorry to read this. Especially sorry about your children, but also about the abusive behaviour of their father.

In the UK this would be considered pretty serious abuse (financial and emotional) and there would be remedies available to you, but I get the feeling that you might not be in the UK.

But please, please seek advice about what help and support available where you are, and see what you can do to end this awful situation.

And OP, your DH is not only a twat, but an abusive, insecure twat. Everyone's entitled to a duvet day or PJ day once in a while. When I had a dog, I'd sometimes put clothes on over my PJs to walk her, so I could go straight back to bed afterwards.

I'd have a PJ day today if I didn't have to go out!

[HappydaysArehere]

Can understand the switching off for a day but I would have thought that a quick wash and getting dressed before emptying a dish washer would take long.

[SueEllenMishke]

@HappydaysArehere

Can understand the switching off for a day but I would have thought that a quick wash and getting dressed before emptying a dish washer would take long.

Getting dressed defeats the purpose of a duvet/jama day though doesn't it??

[SleepingStandingUp]

If I had come home to a partner in PJs gaming with dishes at the sink in a totally different scenario would have to bite my tongue. still not screamed at them.

Ah good to see we agree! He was wrong.

[SleepingStandingUp]

Dirty dishes piled up infuriate me to tears I hope you're getting support in real life gutful

said gaming helps their mental health...You know what also helps mental health? Having a clean & tidy house. no, that helps you. For op it's spending time with friends. Hardly revolutionary.

[GabsAlot]

Op hes not a nice man as your updates reveal

you cant talk to othe rpeople or met them without him kicking off thats not normal

he wants you at home being a stepword wife

[GrapesAreMyJam]

Glad you had a nice day OP. I'm amazed at the sheer amount of people who clearly can't read and understand your posts.

[Help1402]

I’m laying in bed in my pyjamas while my son naps and I haven’t even brushed my teeth yet. And we slept all night and had a lay in till 930am so no excuse with being up in the night. I probably have a day or two a week where I just can’t be bothered and feel really down because of this Fucking pandemic the tv will be going on a lot today aswell. He is horrible don’t feel bad.

[Playnoh]

Why is op getting such a hard time? Can’t people see a mum who needed a bit of downtime and got verbally abused for it by her partner. Taking one day to slob about doesn’t hurt anyone! Op you’ve done nothing wrong.

[LemmysAceCard]

@gutful

If I had a partner who didn’t work, pulled the depression card & said gaming helps their mental health, hadn’t got dressed & left the kitchen dirty for me to come home from work to I would probably feel like yelling too.

You know what also helps mental health? Having a clean & tidy house.

Well you would have lost your voice yelling at me.

DP made the dinner last night, we dont have a dishwasher and i do the washing up as he cooks.

Last nights dishes and pans have only just this minute been washed. I dont give a shit what you or anyone else thinks. I will do them when i am good and ready.

And if you had come home and yelled at me for it you would have been bounced out the front door.

I never found having a clean and tidy house helped my mental health in way, having a duvet day and slobbing around for a day is my idea of bliss.

OP, you have done nothing wrong, you dont want congratulations for being a parent but the one time you dont get dressed and take toddler out is the one time he goes mental. Fuck him, he is not your boss.

[Bumblebee1980a]

@gutful

"Pulled the depression card"

What an awful thing to say. Have you actually paused to think OP could have depression?

When you are feeling down you have to look after yourself and if it means staying in your pjs for longer than necessary then so be it.

In fact I get the most jobs done in my pjs! I've cleaned the bathroom / toilet but only when I'm not having a down day. Maybe I get more done with them on as there's no pressure!

Sometimes when someone is feeling depressed they might want to have a pj day or they might want to keep busy. There are so many different ways of dealing with emotions and I guess we are all still learning how to cope when are having our really shit days.

[blackcoffeecrumble]

@gutful your post actually made me wince ... 'pulled the depression card' what an awful and unkind thing to say to someone! Here's hoping you never go through a tough time in your life that makes you feel low and depressed.

Op games for 3hrs once a week - what's the big deal??

Do you know what also helps with mental health ... having a supportive partner and supportive people around you. Not criticism, horrible comments and hoody shaming (Christ).

What a sad and nasty thread this has turned into🤮!

[whatcangowrong]

Firstly there are elements in your op which point towards a bit of depression. Others have recommended gp and I agree.

I have a job, a child and a husband. I don't game but I do other "time wasting" activities such as whatsapping friends, internet shopping etc when I could be doing something more productive.

My husband works hard, is successful, and if he has a spare moment he'll generally use it to do some batch cooking, gardening, or other job. He's very efficient. He also wastes a fair amount of time watching tv etc. I'm successful too but quite lazy and I procrastinate madly. But often my version of procrastinating is on frilly things such as decorating the house / buying furniture cheap on eBay / buying clothes for dc, which he sees as a bit unnecessary or at least as something to only spend a v limited amount of time on. I don't agree with him but hence the dynamic in the relationship is already that he says he does more than me.

I can completely imagine this scenario in our relationship. I would take a day like that in your position and would be able to happily justify it to myself. He would hit the roof. I wouldn't like being "shouted at" (in our case it would be aggressive tone of voice and sarcastic language not shouting) either but I think I would know deep down that he was kind of right. That my day hadn't helped our joint circumstances at all. That the kid probably hadn't really benefitted from it and that I should try to not do it again. That after he puts in so much effort it's a bit of a kick in the teeth to come home and find nothing done when the other person isn't working. Much as I try to resist his characterisation of me as slightly hopeless I do sometimes think that if he were suddenly not around I would be totally lost from a practical perspective and the reverse is not true as he would cope fine!! Is any of that going on in your relationship? Or is he actually just a twat

[AryaStarkWolf]

@Glenchase

YABU for wearing a Hoodie as a grown adult
Really? 😂 Sorry but I’ll still be wearing them when I’m 80. I don’t see the problem.

I'm 42 and will never stop wearing hoodies either...what a strange comment

[SueEllenMishke]

I can completely imagine this scenario in our relationship. I would take a day like that in your position and would be able to happily justify it to myself. He would hit the roof. I wouldn't like being "shouted at" (in our case it would be aggressive tone of voice and sarcastic language not shouting) either but I think I would know deep down that he was kind of right. That my day hadn't helped our joint circumstances at all. That the kid probably hadn't really benefitted from it and that I should try to not do it again. That after he puts in so much effort it's a bit of a kick in the teeth to come home and find nothing done when the other person isn't working.

This isn't a normal reaction. The OP had one lazy day ..... just one day because she was knackered. A loving partner would not begrudge you one day of down time, even if they are working.

A child should also learn that not every single day of your life has to be productive and a 'lazy' day I'd actually very beneficial.

[Sceptre86]

I am 7 weeks pregnant and have awful nausea and sickness. It has also been snowing on and off here. On my days off I have at least one duvet day with the kids, I always go to the effort if having them look presentable but I will happily wear pjs all day at the moment. If you are struggling you ought to be able to speak to your partner and get much needed support. If that support is not forthcoming then some serious discussions need to be had. In the mean time speak to a gp and get help for your low mood.