To leave DH for being a twat

[Glenchase]

I lost my job months ago. DS’s nursery keeps closing and opening and closing (currently closed until I don’t know when) so it’s not realistic for me to get another job right now. I’m sick of being stuck in the house on my own with a toddler. Sick of watching cartoons and playing trains. Sick of going for stupid walks in the cold and having to hang onto a toddler who doesn’t want to hold my hand and be constantly alert for idiots who come too close. Last night DS woke me up several times so I had to get in bed with him and then I just lay awake till 4am crying.

Today I was tired and just had enough so we had a duvet day. Stayed in our pyjamas, didn’t do any chores like emptying the dishwasher. Watched Netflix and DS fell asleep so I read my book for a bit.

DH has come home and all hell has broken loose because we’re still in our pyjamas and haven’t tidied up. He was screaming that I’m not a teenager and I can’t just sit around in my hoody watching childish things like The Witcher and reading Terry Pratchett and playing computer games with my friends (we have a weekly online game on a Thursday 8-11pm). Because I’m a mother and I have to get dressed and go for walks or whatever.

Firstly I don’t see what’s wrong with enjoying fantasy books and tv when I have time. Or playing one game per week after my child is in bed. Why is age relevant to enjoying those things? The friends I play with are aged 30-50. Secondly I don’t see what’s wrong with wearing a hoody (DH regularly wears a hoody himself). Thirdly I just feel he’s being ungrateful because he’s never congratulated me for the hundreds of days I’ve got up and dressed DS and taken him out, but the one day I don’t do it he starts screaming at me.

AIBU to just divorce him? He’s nasty and I’m sick of being criticised for what I think are fairly normal things. I’m tired and depressed and isolated and bored, and he’s just being selfish and unsupportive.

[lifeafternext]

so the dh gets up and works outside the house during the pandemic and is a twat because he is annoyed that his wife is still in her pyjamas and no chores have been done when he comes home in the evening?

Exactly.

This forum is so one-sided it's ridiculous.

I know for a FACT that if this had been the other way around, the OP was the one out working all day and she came home to her jobless DH who had done nothing all day, she would have got "cocklodger" and "useless twat" and "I'd be APOPLECTIC" etc.

I think jammie days are fine, but why can't you have a jammie day together on Saturday when he's not out at work all day? Is your DH getting a jammie day on Sunday while you get up and do everything?

[DebatableHmm]

Any fucker who came home and criticised my day with a fucking toddler would be making his own tea.... For a while.

Why are you acting like looking after a toddler is akin to working down the coal pits with half rations and a bad back 😂?

Honestly half of Mumsnet are desperate to give up their jobs and be sahp and the other half are so busy trying to convince us that it's Worlds. Hardest. Job. Ever. and anyone who can manage the bare minimum of not killing the child deserves a medal and a husband who does all the housework!

I kept the toddler alive ALL WEEK dontchaknow!!!! 😂😂

As if the rest of us who work AND look after toddlers are completely oblivious to the work that's actually involved......

[BadLad]

He’s never congratulated me on the last 300 days in a row where I have got dressed though!

Am I missing something? Why would this be deserving of congratulations?

[Havlerr]

I’m getting so annoyed on your behalf OP at the pp having a moan OP wasn’t asking him to congratulate her for looking after the toddler She clearly feels (understandably) hurt and criticised by her twatty H for going into a verbally abusive rant as though she does this all the time when she doesn’t. I’m with you OP, any man that is happy when you’re overweight with no friends but critical when you loose weight, make friends and gain confidence is not a man worth having. Who gives a shit if your pink hair or your hobby is childish?! Does a full dishwasher and being annoyed at your PJs give him the right to insult your appearance, friends and hobbies? He’s perfectly capable of bringing up his annoyance at the dishes/PJs without raising his voice.

There are days when i don’t get the chance to wash up until the evening and there are toys all over the floor. There are days I don’t have the chance to have a shower and can’t be arsed lugging the pram up the hill to go for a walk in the freezing cold. Your child has been fed, clothed, loved and is happy. Some days that’s enough.

Side note - is his constant criticism a part of his shit personality or does he reserve is solely for you?

[tootysweety]

I just want to say good for you for getting a social life! That’s impressive. Wish I had that. Don’t give it up! What game are you playing?

[DifficultDifficultLemonDifficu]

Wow I'm surprised how many people are slamming the OP! Yes the husband is allowed to feel how he's feeling, but you don't scream, shout and belittle your partner or anyone! It's a shite time right now and if you need to take a MH day then so be it! Nowhere does it indicate the op has left the house in a tip, nor neglected the child.

I would say the same thing if genders were reversed. Just because people have kids doesn't mean their feelings and needs are shoved to the side. Just because someone lost their job doesn't mean they never get to "clock off". There's a bunch of arseholes on this thread.

Op, call your doctor and see if you can get some help. You sound really down and treatment can be really helpful. Talk to your partner about your needs and expectations during these extraordinary times and be kind to each other.

I hope things work out okay

[thosetalesofunexpected]

@Glenchase

Could you get more good enough support for yourself and your family (from your family/and his family, then?
or if this is not possible could you have childcare support bubble then?
Could you pay for childcare some/most of the week for a few hours every day then?

And also have a professional cleaner paid for out of your husband's money?


Tell he needs to be far more supportive its just as hard for you too,

[thosetalesofunexpected]

@Glenchase
Hi
Has your husband ever looked after your child on his own then?
If he hasnt ?
Then he needs to on a regular basis to really appreciate how much work it is?
As he could well be totally Clue less !
Also if its a regular pattern your husband is always critical, Judgemental belittling emotionally abusive and he is not supportive of you
Then obviously you would be better off splitting up ,separting ,getting divorced!

Does he help you at all in any way around the house,household chores /or childcare?

[thosetalesofunexpected]

@Jsnn
Op said it was a one off she had a Duvert lie in day with her child,
She is entitled to have a rest and she was still keeping her child entertained !
Being looking after a child the next generation is just as valuable worthy as paid work!

[rwalker]

I think everyones struggling personally going to work in present climate isn't a golden ticket for me .
It's very easy to get into competative my role is harder than yours.
There 2 sides to everything ride out covid and re asses after.

[CayrolBaaaskin]

I think it entirely depends on whether this is a one off or if the whole relationship is bad and making your life worse. Everyone is struggling at the moment. It’s stressful and difficult. Maybe you both need to give each other a break.

[daydreamdaisy]

Yes. If I were you I would leave over this, because it demonstrates a lack of respect. Who is he to say that your clothes, hair etc is 'childish' that is insulting and shows he doesn't really know you at all.
I wouldn't want my son growing up in a house where his mother was spoken to like that.
Also, you sound great - I love Pratchett, Witcher, gaming etc and still somehow manage to be a functioning adult and good mother. And my husband loves it all too!

[thosetalesofunexpected]

@Glenchase

Your husband is coming across as a Arsehole Being critical judgmental belittling your appearence to knock your Cofindence down

As if Lockdowns situations are not depressing soul destroying !

He is insecure about the fact that you have lost weight got pink hair new friends

Hence the excuse of pretending its something else when its really to do with him being a prick !

If he can not be supportive of you

Get rid of him,you will be better off as he sounds like he gets off a kick out of being like this to you
I can't stand men like this
Wanker !

[Notcrackersyet]

Op I think he was horrible. But if you are really thinking of leaving him you need a solution for your life that allows you to provide for yourself! What’s the plan ?

[micc]

Jesus christ I'd go mad.
OP you deserve better. Dont stand for it. The amount of times I've watched trolls world tour this lockdown in my pjs with my 4 year old and 3 month old is probably 1 to many. I got changed and brushed my hair yesterday, I took a picture because I was like wow look at me. I'm outside ready. The flat never seems to be clean because every time I clean a space the other gets messy. How dare he speak to you like that. If he was frustrated he could of pulled you away and spoken to you like an adult and you could of explained you just wanted a day off. Then he should understand. Your a team at the end of the day. I agree with PP OH would be picking his teeth off the floor if he shouted at me like that.

[Draineddraineddrained]

@horseofphillipmoss

I think someone going off on one about someone always gaming, reading sci fi and watching it and implying that's a central part of who they are, is probably prompted by more than a one off

A) she doesn't "always game". She's said. She games once a week with friends when her child is in bed. If you're not going to believe ANYTHING she says there's really no point commenting on the thread, as you're talking about a situation you've invented instead of the one you've been presented with.

B) of course her interests are a central part of who she is - and he would have known full well what they were before marrying and making a baby with her. She didn't just suddenly start enjoying fantasy in the last 12-18 months did she? So why now is it suddenly "childish"? Is she only supposed to enjoy mothering now she's a mother??

Seriously you are so desperate to defend this man's tantrum (whilst simultaneously deciding he didn't have one) and it's bizarre.

[Bluntness100]

I think there is likely frustration on both sides, you’re no longer working through no fault of your own, which leaves the financial burden to him, which may be stressing him out, and he comes home to find a messy house and both of you in your pyjamas ans reacts badly.

On the other hand, your expectation on being “congratulated” for getting out of bed and parenting is highly unusual. You’re bored and isolated.

So the two of you are starting to let those frustrations show.

[OverTheRubicon]

I just feel he’s being ungrateful because he’s never congratulated me for the hundreds of days I’ve got up and dressed DS and taken him out, but the one day I don’t do it he starts screaming at me

Do you congratulate him every day he gets dressed and goes to work? You're not helping your case for arguing that you are acting like an adult.

He's a twat for screaming and not helping in the night or for saying that playing computer games once a week (or even lots more times per week!) and you say there's a backstory, so maybe you do need to separate.

But honestly, one toddler, when you're not working or looking for a job, who's in nursery at least some of the time, can be tedious but should not be a huge stretch.

Speaking as someone who is also unemployed, but is looking for jobs and also a single mum of three (including a toddler and 2 primary school kids, all home full time and 7 nights a week), I do have sympathy for how hard and tiring it is, I'm no superwoman and am also.tired of the same parks.

But I would be pissed off if I worked all day and came home to a partner who hadn't even done the dishwasher, or who spent a lot of time watching TV with them. Toddlers love to 'help' with jobs, yes it.takes way more time, but that's something you have a lot of. You can go for a walk with a friend without kids or with another child under 5. You can go online and find one of the millions of websites with toddler ideas, or you can just make some homemade playdough and play with trains, which does get boring but is something you might miss one day.

Clearly, you need to talk and he needs to treat you with more respect, like others say it also sounds like maybe you need some support for your mood too. Life as a single mum with no job and many more hours in charge will also not be easy if you see taking a toddler to a park as a big ask.

[fruitandflowers]

He sounds like an utter twat

Suggest you tell him you’ve found a new job and he will henceforth have to cover 50% of childcare. He can either do it himself or find someone to come to the house. See what his reaction is then.

(As an aside OP childcare is still permitted during lockdown. Is there any chance you could get someone to come to you for a couple of hours 2x a week just to give you a break?)

[Caswint]

I am sorry that you are feeling so low.

If I came home and found my partner - who has always tidied the house and gotten dressed and taken the my dc for walks - still in bed, I would assume something was wrong. Ill? A shit day? Exhausted? Bad news? Depressed by the daily grind of life? I'd tidy up and take the toddler and ask him if he was okay.

Everyone has off days. You're entitled to a duvet day in which you did what you needed to - you cared for your dc.

Maybe he is an unrelenting twat. Maybe he is also struggling and has zero empathy left for his life partner. Whatever, this is a bad place to be and you two either need to develop a better relationship, or you split. You shouldn't carry on as stressed and bored and unhappy as you are.

[user194729573]

So since you developed some confidence, positive self esteem and a fledgling social circle he's been trying to break you back down?

He sounded controlling in the first post. The additional context only reinforces that.

[LApprentiSorcier]

Screaming at someone is never acceptable.

I can understand why he was frustrated that you hadn't got dressed etc. If you work outside the home you can't just have 'a duvet day' whenever you feel like it - you have to get on with things.

However, getting angry won't achieve anything. How you move on from this really depends if it was a one off or part of a pattern of behaviour.

If it's a one-off I would cut some slack as I think he had a valid point but expressed it in completely the wrong way.

[Backbee]

so the dh gets up and works outside the house during the pandemic and is a twat because he is annoyed that his wife is still in her pyjamas and no chores have been done when he comes home in the evening

Yes he is.

OP lost her job (presumably through no fault of her own), and has been forced into being a SAHM which she is struggling with. Having one duvet day in jammies (which is really nice for little ones to be honest, I have fond memories of occasionally doing the same with my mum) should not be an issue. Unless the chores meant that his evening was severely affected, eg absolutely no cutlery to eat with, toilet unusable, which it wouldn't have been after a bloody day, then he's just being an arse. He still live there anyway, why shouldn't he be doing some chores? If he is resentful of OP losing her job, that's a really odd view, and SAHMs aren't slaves.

[Backbee]

He had less of a problem with it a year ago when I was 3st heavier

Only just seen this. This is a bigger red flag.

[violetbunny]

What happens on his days off? Do you ever get a proper break from childcare and chores? How much leisure time does he get?