To leave DH for being a twat

[Glenchase]

I lost my job months ago. DS’s nursery keeps closing and opening and closing (currently closed until I don’t know when) so it’s not realistic for me to get another job right now. I’m sick of being stuck in the house on my own with a toddler. Sick of watching cartoons and playing trains. Sick of going for stupid walks in the cold and having to hang onto a toddler who doesn’t want to hold my hand and be constantly alert for idiots who come too close. Last night DS woke me up several times so I had to get in bed with him and then I just lay awake till 4am crying.

Today I was tired and just had enough so we had a duvet day. Stayed in our pyjamas, didn’t do any chores like emptying the dishwasher. Watched Netflix and DS fell asleep so I read my book for a bit.

DH has come home and all hell has broken loose because we’re still in our pyjamas and haven’t tidied up. He was screaming that I’m not a teenager and I can’t just sit around in my hoody watching childish things like The Witcher and reading Terry Pratchett and playing computer games with my friends (we have a weekly online game on a Thursday 8-11pm). Because I’m a mother and I have to get dressed and go for walks or whatever.

Firstly I don’t see what’s wrong with enjoying fantasy books and tv when I have time. Or playing one game per week after my child is in bed. Why is age relevant to enjoying those things? The friends I play with are aged 30-50. Secondly I don’t see what’s wrong with wearing a hoody (DH regularly wears a hoody himself). Thirdly I just feel he’s being ungrateful because he’s never congratulated me for the hundreds of days I’ve got up and dressed DS and taken him out, but the one day I don’t do it he starts screaming at me.

AIBU to just divorce him? He’s nasty and I’m sick of being criticised for what I think are fairly normal things. I’m tired and depressed and isolated and bored, and he’s just being selfish and unsupportive.

[HitchFlix]

What a dick. Of course YANBU to have a duvet day (I've had many of them as a SAHM - even before the stupid pandemic ) my DH never said a word as he knows how hard it can be stuck at home with small children.

Is he always so horrid?

[Draineddraineddrained]

@Macncheeseballs

I think it's a bit sad that op is so sick of her toddler

I agree, but it's sad for the OP not anyone else. From what she says she's been doing everything right - taking him out, playing with him amusing him, getting up in the night to comfort him when he wakes (God knows there are enough people on Mumsnet who would recommend leaving him to scream himself to sleep at night as a matter of course from about 9 months). I don't think this is a child who's being neglected; rather it's a mother who through no choice of her own has become the default parent.

Of course it's frustrating for a lot of people. I think the absolute AVALANCHE of memes about how tough it is homeschooling currently out and about indicate that a LOT of people are a bit sick of their kids right now.

I think being all head-tilty "isn't it sad you're not loving every minute of being stuck at home in the middle of winter with a toddler" is incredibly tone deaf frankly.

[Catty1720]

Is he always like this?? My DP tells me off if I do too much round the house while looking after DC he’s working everyday but loves knowing we are spending our time playing rather than jobs me and him can get done together. It snowed yesterday so me and DD had a pj day DP came home showered and joined us (he works nights)
Maybe you need to sit down and talk you sound generally unhappy if this was a one off I don’t think it would upset you to the point of divorce

[CherryBlossomTree7]

He is out of order OP.

If you and your DS were in pyjamas all day every day and you didn't take him out for fresh air...yes, I would think this was wrong. The odd pj day when you're a SAHP is absolutely fine and I think is good for you and your child to relax and recharge.

You definitely need to consider the future of your relationship, especially if this is not an isolated incident.

[BillMasen]

@HorseOfPhillipMoss

I went to work today, got up in the freezing cold, worked a long day with was really stressful, came home and my boyfriend and our toddler were still in their pyjamas, the house was a tip, DC had been watching TV all day while my boyfriend was gaming and Christ knows what else. There's washing to be done, dinner hasn't even been thought about and he just keeps going on about how hard it is for him. He lost his job ages ago and hasn't even tried to get a new one, not even part time, says there's no point because of Covid. I'm exhausted. AIBU?

Bet there would be different response. Most men who game are called immature on here for a start.

Spot on but this won’t go down well...

[Iknowwhatudidlastsummer]

The screaming is not on, but if I came home from work to find DH in his pjs having done strictly nothing, I would tell him to get a job immediately so we'd both share the cost of someone looking after our child properly.

Sticking your toddler in front of a screen all day is not looking after a child.

[Macncheeseballs]

Respectabitch, surely loads of people do that? not everyone works when they have young kids

[Macaroni46]

@gamerchick what ridiculous advice! What if OP's DH just went on strike and stopped going to work?

[Macaroni46]

OP - I guess the obvious question is, would you be happy for your DH to have a duvet day?

[gamerchick]

[quote Macaroni46]@gamerchick what ridiculous advice! What if OP's DH just went on strike and stopped going to work? [/quote]
Not even comparable.

Well, not unless dear husband gets up with sprog during the night and then goes to work...

Any fucke who came home and criticised my day with a fucking toddler would be making his own tea.... For a while.

[Draineddraineddrained]

Sticking your toddler in front of a screen all day is not looking after a child.

For ONE DAY. Because she'd been up all night looking after him and was exhausted and fed up. Once.

Seriously who are all these people who never once say 'fuck it' and do whatever it takes to get through the damn day?

[Ltdannygreen]

Screw him. I’m furloughed at the moment so after homeschooling I’m literally doing fuck all, I’m able to do housework in between dc work and so my afternoons and evenings are free. There’s only so much walking, watching tv you can do. I wear hoodies 24/7 and I also play PlayStation, everyday. For me it’s mentally exhausting not being at work. I’m not going to bed until 3/4 am because I’m not doing enough in the day like I would do if I was working and then doing the school runs. DP has been really good, he has said a few things unknowingly that have sent me off the deep end. He knows I hate being home so is trying to be supportive. It’s only 3 weeks in so not sure how much longer my mental health will last....

[Iknowwhatudidlastsummer]

Seriously who are all these people who never once say 'fuck it' and do whatever it takes to get through the damn day?

Anyone looking after a child?

[grapewine]

Any fucker who came home and criticised my day with a fucking toddler would be making his own tea.... For a while.

So would anyone who dared to suggest what I could and couldn't watch and play in my free time.

[Iknowwhatudidlastsummer]

You can't have it both ways, living off somebody's salary and refusing to help and look after your own child properly because you are bored.

Any thread with a lazy husband would go completely the other way! Not "would', they do go the over way.

[Viviennemary]

Sorry but it's not an option to laze around all day in your pjs when your partner is out working. If a man did this everyone would be down on him like a ton of bricks.

[Draineddraineddrained]

@Iknowwhatudidlastsummer

Anyone looking after a child?

Wow. Arch-sanctimommy. You never, even once, let Peppa Pig roll on for an extra half hour just so you could sit still a bit longer after having broken sleep for a week? Never just thought "I'll do it tomorrow" when the dishwasher beeped or the ironing pile beckoned?

Well OK. But over here in the human world, we have children who aren't damaged forever if Mummy doesn't walk them like a dog for a single day. And husbands who can handle it if they have to pull their cereal bowl out of the dishwasher instead of out of the cupboard in the morning without throwing a hissy fit.

[Draineddraineddrained]

@Iknowwhatudidlastsummer

You can't have it both ways, living off somebody's salary and refusing to help and look after your own child properly because you are bored.

Any thread with a lazy husband would go completely the other way! Not "would', they do go the over way.

She lost her job. She has been 'helping' and looking after her child single handed for months.

There is nothing here to indicate she is 'lazy'. She was parenting all night and had an easy day. Her child is fine. It's her grown up husband who is thrwoing his toys out of the pram because everything isn't exactly as he'd like. ONCE.

[Ltdannygreen]

@Viviennemary

Sorry but it's not an option to laze around all day in your pjs when your partner is out working. If a man did this everyone would be down on him like a ton of bricks.

Of course it’s an option, you shouldn’t be made to feel like you have to compensate for being a sahm either. I feel like we’ve traveled back to the 1900’s with this comment. Being a mum especially to a toddler is a 24/7 job so what if you have one odd duvet day. There’s no contract saying that if your partners put working you must find pointless shit to do just to please the fucker so he doesn’t come homes shouting the odds. If my DP dares talks to me that way he would be out of the door.

[hansgrueber]

@ChaToilLeam

Does he do anything to tidy up and help out, or does he just get on his high horse when everything isn’t to sir’s liking? He sounds like a right fud.

Reverse the roles, if a woman who goes out to work came home to this situation I can guarantee that the responses would be different. Would she be expected to do the stuff that the man couldn't be bothered with during the day? Having done it myself when there wasn't the luxury of sitting a child in front of cartoons, electronic games etc I can honestly say that the martyrdom of SAHMs always staggers me.

[quarentini]

The double standards on this tread are amazing!
If the op was her Dp then everyone would be ripping into him!

[Oswin]

So many fucking dickheads making up there own version if events its ridiculous.
If you would come home in these circumstances and scream at your partner you are abusive and they should leave you.

OP was till 4am. They had to give up work.
One fucking day. OP also said the nastiness is usual for him.
But you carry on making shit up because you are all bitter and spiteful about sahms.

[HorseOfPhillipMoss]

@Draineddraineddrained and then I said I'm not saying this happened but there are usually two sides to these kinds of stories. It would be highly unlikely if the OP was usually proactive and motivated, that get partner would walk in after I've day when she'd done the basics but little else and actually scream at her, so straight away her version of events doesn't completely ring true. She's either down offering her usual behaviour or over exaggerating get partner's.
If OP has just vegged out and watched TV/gamed all day whatever who thought about dinner? Who tidied up after the toddler? Who wiped round after breakfast and lunch, washed up etc the OP said she did nothing. There are things that need to be done daily.
I have PJ days with my toddler sometimes on my day off, we still wash and brush our teeth, the dishwasher is sorted, I clean after us so don't leave breakfast things in the kitchen, wipe the sides down etc it takes a few minutes, I also wouldn't ignore my child while I sat in the sofa reading a book.
OP said she'd done nothing and yes if she was working they would both have to sort out childcare, just like me and my husband do. I didn't just stop going to work because nursery closed and neither did he.
My mother was made redundant last year she's in her sixties, she found another job. The OP may have had just one lazy day, but her attitude doesn't fill you with motivation does it?