To leave DH for being a twat

[Glenchase]

I lost my job months ago. DS’s nursery keeps closing and opening and closing (currently closed until I don’t know when) so it’s not realistic for me to get another job right now. I’m sick of being stuck in the house on my own with a toddler. Sick of watching cartoons and playing trains. Sick of going for stupid walks in the cold and having to hang onto a toddler who doesn’t want to hold my hand and be constantly alert for idiots who come too close. Last night DS woke me up several times so I had to get in bed with him and then I just lay awake till 4am crying.

Today I was tired and just had enough so we had a duvet day. Stayed in our pyjamas, didn’t do any chores like emptying the dishwasher. Watched Netflix and DS fell asleep so I read my book for a bit.

DH has come home and all hell has broken loose because we’re still in our pyjamas and haven’t tidied up. He was screaming that I’m not a teenager and I can’t just sit around in my hoody watching childish things like The Witcher and reading Terry Pratchett and playing computer games with my friends (we have a weekly online game on a Thursday 8-11pm). Because I’m a mother and I have to get dressed and go for walks or whatever.

Firstly I don’t see what’s wrong with enjoying fantasy books and tv when I have time. Or playing one game per week after my child is in bed. Why is age relevant to enjoying those things? The friends I play with are aged 30-50. Secondly I don’t see what’s wrong with wearing a hoody (DH regularly wears a hoody himself). Thirdly I just feel he’s being ungrateful because he’s never congratulated me for the hundreds of days I’ve got up and dressed DS and taken him out, but the one day I don’t do it he starts screaming at me.

AIBU to just divorce him? He’s nasty and I’m sick of being criticised for what I think are fairly normal things. I’m tired and depressed and isolated and bored, and he’s just being selfish and unsupportive.

[Glenchase]

Just to clarify, I don’t game all day and ignore my child. I game one evening per week after he’s in bed, it’s my only social interaction and it supports my mental health at this isolating time.

We didn’t get dressed today or go for a walk or do any chores. I did cook breakfast and lunch for my child, read to him, talked to him, we put music on and danced, I watched a tv documentary on my phone while he played with his trains, and later on we vegged out with snacks in front of a Netflix programme that wasn’t particularly of interest to a child, hence why he fell asleep. When DH came home I handed him the toddler and I cooked dinner and emptied the dishwasher, which was much easier without a child crying for attention and running off with the plates.

This led to a huge rant from DH about me being irresponsible because clearly I was lazy and immature and not fulfilling my parental responsibility. He’s never congratulated me on the last 300 days in a row where I have got dressed though! He’s just picked on the 1 day when I haven’t. And then he started ranting about how everything I like is childish, and my clothes are childish, and so is my hair, which is really not relevant. Typical behaviour from him though - I do 9 things and instead of being grateful for the 9 he whinges because I haven’t done 10.

[Draineddraineddrained]

@hansgrueber

reverse the roles, if a woman who goes out to work came home to this situation I can guarantee that the responses would be different

"My DH lost his job a few months ago. Since then he has been looking after our toddler all day every day, keeping the house for us all and enabling me to continue going out to work when nursery closes every 5 minutes. Pretty much every day he takes our DS for a walk (even though DS is a bit of a handful and won't hold hands easily, and the weather is vile). They play together all day, and somehow he even finds time to do the household chores. When DS wakes up in the night DH always goes to him, and even gets into bed with him to keep him quiet if he's hard to settle so I can be fresh for work - last night he was up with DS until 4am.

"Today I got home and DH and DS were still in their pyjamas having a duvet day. DH said he even managed to read some of his book when DS dropped off for his nap. I went ballistic at DH, told him he was immature and a shit dad. WIBU?"

[FrankButchersDickieBow]

I got the fucking rage just reading your OP.

Tell him to fuck off.

[Oswin]

@quarentini

The double standards on this tread are amazing!
If the op was her Dp then everyone would be ripping into him!

Bullshit.
If a woman posted that her dp couldn't work because the nursery kept closing. Then said that he was up all night till 4 am.
Then said that the child was fed and entertained they just didn't go out or do much.

If a woman said she started screaming at him over this one day she would rightly be called an abuser.

[BillMasen]

[quote Draineddraineddrained]@hansgrueber

reverse the roles, if a woman who goes out to work came home to this situation I can guarantee that the responses would be different

"My DH lost his job a few months ago. Since then he has been looking after our toddler all day every day, keeping the house for us all and enabling me to continue going out to work when nursery closes every 5 minutes. Pretty much every day he takes our DS for a walk (even though DS is a bit of a handful and won't hold hands easily, and the weather is vile). They play together all day, and somehow he even finds time to do the household chores. When DS wakes up in the night DH always goes to him, and even gets into bed with him to keep him quiet if he's hard to settle so I can be fresh for work - last night he was up with DS until 4am.

"Today I got home and DH and DS were still in their pyjamas having a duvet day. DH said he even managed to read some of his book when DS dropped off for his nap. I went ballistic at DH, told him he was immature and a shit dad. WIBU?"[/quote]
No one would ever post that

And there’s be a few posters still blaming the man...

[FrenchBoule]

OP is not a SAHM by choice. She’s been made redundant and because there’s no reliable childcare she needs to stay put.

It’s hard with a child to entertain whole day week after week,zero time to yourself and do the house chores at the same time.
Throw in a non- sleeper and you’re not only mentally but also physically exhausted.

OP, a talk is needed.

Looks like you need some time to have some physical rest sometimes and to get away from your toddler (mummy,mummy,mummy,mummyx1000 every day)

I know your partner is bringing the money into the house but he’s only able to do it because you provide the childcare so you are contributing to the household.

Good luck and keep going 🙂

[VVKills27]

Unless your husband is always highly critical and unsupportive of you (which would be a problem) then it could be that lockdown is getting to him, like so many of us and he wrongly took his frustrations out on you. Horrible and mean and not ok, but it can happen. In relationships it’s easy to think you’re having a rougher ride than your partner & after a busy day at work he may perceive your life as easier than his. Having stayed at home with the kids for years it’s the most intense job on earth but I know men and women who have no concept of how emotionally and physically exhausting it is. Assuming he’s never been a stay at home parent he probably doesn’t appreciate that your life is easily as full on as his, more-so in many ways, and you deserve the odd lazy day doing bugger all. These are unusual times and can bring out the worst in people, if this isn’t his usual way then you can probably work through this with some honest conversations. You haven’t done anything wrong at all, especially given your disrupted nights and nowhere to go by day anyway! If he can’t see your point of view when you are able to speak calmly and honestly about this, (best done when you’ve both had some sleep & when kids are asleep!) then I understand why you wouldn’t see a future with with him. The worst thing to do is not talk about these problems as they fester and cause resentment. He probably may not realise how often you have to wake with your toddler and disrupted sleep is awful. He may be having issues too though, so stick up for yourself and explain you have done nothing wrong but listen to his side in case he’s struggling too.

[VVKills27]

Apologies for such a long post - I used paragraphs when I wrote it, honest!

[Draineddraineddrained]

@HorseOfPhillipMoss

There are things that need to be done daily.

They're not you know. In an ideal world, they 'should' be done daily. But if a few plates pile up by the sink and there are yesterday's crumbs on the table at breakfast, it's genuinely not the end of the world. If the toys lie on the rug for 24 hours, they won't burst into flames and burn the house down. If we only start thinking about what to have for dinner half an hour before we eat it, that's actually OK.

I also wouldn't ignore my child while I sat in the sofa reading a book

The OP read the book while her child was asleep. What would you have done, sat there gazing adoringly into his face counting his breaths? No wait, you'd probably have leapt up and done all that housework, because you are a saint.

I didn't just stop going to work because nursery closed and neither did he

Neither did the OP. She lost her job. I think when you can't guarantee any stability to your prospective employer, your partner has a steady job you can facilitate by being home and available for childcare (especially if it's not one he can do from home as is evident in this case), and this whole nightmare will hopefully ease off in the next few months, it makes perfect sense for the couple to AGREE for one partner to make the sacrifice of not seeking employment for a while until they can actually commit to working the job properly, thus protecting the other income.

Nowhere does the OP say her partner wants her back to work, or that this is a decision she's made unilaterally; he just expects to be able to control what she does at home.

The long and the short of it is if the DH has such a huge problem with ANY of these things (how OP looks after their child; how she keeps house; whether or not she should look to work; what TV, reading matter, socialising and fashion options she favours when she has some time to enjoy them) then he needs to raise them with her calmly like a grown up. Not come home and start shouting the odds (presumably in front of their young child).

All this justification and surmising made up facts to justify a man behaving like a playground bully to the woman he's supposed to love is... well it's disappointing.

[Glenchase]

yes if she was working they would both have to sort out childcare
Neither of us can WFH. We have no family who can babysit. Where do you suggest I send my child when the nursery is closed? Without childcare I can’t go out to work.

who thought about dinner? Who tidied up after the toddler? Who wiped round after breakfast and lunch, washed up etc
Does dinner require thought? I just look in the fridge then bung stuff in the pan. Lunch was sandwiches. I left the dishes on the worktop next to the sink, later on in the evening I emptied the dishwasher and chucked them in. Do people really go round tidying up after kids instead of waiting till they’re in bed and chucking the toys in a box?

[Draineddraineddrained]

And then he started ranting about how everything I like is childish, and my clothes are childish, and so is my hair, which is really not relevant

OP, this is really nasty. I'm interested to see how all the 'poor DH' handmaidens on here are going to justify this kind of petty spite. Probably the fact he is 'upset' will be justification enough for suddenly turning round and criticising everything about you after presumably marrying you knowing your likes, preferences and style.

[Draineddraineddrained]

Do people really go round tidying up after kids instead of waiting till they’re in bed and chucking the toys in a box?

Apparently. And be sure to put a taking bow in their hair before The Man comes home

[VVKills27]

So sorry OP, I somehow missed your last post. Those comments about your hair and interests being childish are cruel and not acceptable. I would wait until you can speak after some sleep & without your toddler about & explain that, whatever his reasons for this outburst this is not acceptable treatment of you and you won’t tolerate being spoken to that way. I do stand by my comments about the strain he may be under too, but there is no need for personal insults like this.

[HorseOfPhillipMoss]

Except we only have her word that this was a one off and that he was screaming (the combination of which seems unlikely). I also think if you commit to being a stay at home parent that's what you do you look after the home and children, you don't just slob about. If OP isn't happy with that she needs to find work and they both need to organise childcare between them, the default isn't that he works so she can't.
DH was off today with DS he didn't just laze about. I was off Friday and neither did I.
I probably would've had a bath and read a book while DS slept too, in fact I did on Friday, but while the bath was running, I unloaded the dishwasher, put some laundry away and put the tumble dryer on, not hard work. You make food, you clean up as you go, you don't just leave it for the person coming home from work. I'm not saying she should've done a deep clean and boiled her soft furnishings in zoflora a'la Hinch, just that leaving a toddler to stare at screens all day while you relieve your teenage passions isn't the best.
DS is teething, molars, I was up a lot with him last night and still had to go to work today, I couldn't sit in a hoodie and watch TV. DH is on wake up duty tonight and we both have work tomorrow. It's life when you're a parent. She has one toddler not half a dozen.

[GhoulWithADragonTattoo]

Given you cooked for DS 3 times including 1 family meal and also read to him and played with him I have changed my mind and think it actually sounds a nice day. Talk to DH tomorrow and say you didn’t appreciate his unkind comments when you had a very rare duvet day. He’s probably as stressed about the current situation as you are but he shouldn’t yell.

[HitchFlix]

Sorry but it's not an option to laze around all day in your pjs when your partner is out working

Of course it is. When you're responsible for your partner's child 24/7 in the midst of a pandemic. How anal must you people be?

I put a coat and some wellies over my pjs today and walked the DC to the end of the lane and back for a half hour or so. Other than that we stayed in pjs all day. When you have preschool children even "lazing" about involves a bit of effort - feeding/changing nappies/playing/firefighting it's not like being a student stuck to the couch, watching box sets for 12 hours straight (wouldn't that be a joy!)

Mine are watching waaaay too much tv as it's either that or I'll lose my patience with them - which would be a lot worse. You do what you need to do in these times.

Children that age need lazy days anyway, even though I sat on my arse on the laptop/phone for most of today it's not like preschoolers will do that. They painted, colored/played with play dough, made an obstacle course in the hallway, danced about, had an elaborate game of "mermaids" in the bath etc. I set them up, then ignored them and left them to it. Perfectly acceptable. In fact I would consider today a "good" day

[SleepingStandingUp]

He sounds like a dick. And it clearly isn't new.

As a one off, him coming in and morning after he'd had a bad day is forgive. Screaming at your in front of your child is definitely not on.

How child for loved and cared for and feed, he got dinner made, if he wanted to make a point he could refuse to help tidy up. WOULDNT speak well of him but it's an option.

Absolutely unacceptable to turn it into a personal rant about who you are as a person

[Draineddraineddrained]

You make food, you clean up as you go, you don't just leave it for the person coming home from work

For one thing you do realise the way YOU do things is not necessarily The One True Way ordained by God on tablets off stone, right?

For another, I repeat, this was a one off. Yes ok we only have the OP's word for it, but that is literally all we EVER have on Mumsnet. If you spend your whole life second guessing or advanced searching every poster then why even bother reading or replying to any posts that might all be total fabrications? Why not just make up your own (as you have in fact done here)?

For another, nowhere does OP say she left it for DH to do. Just that she left it. Not one of those things (except dinner, which she made) couldn't be left until tomorrow (assuming no-one is being unnecessarily OCD about it).

So while I've got you here, do you think the DH flying off the handle at a single out of character duvet day is more likely in the light of him then proceeding to rip into OP about her taste in books, TV, social activities, fashion and even her hair? Because that, to me, supports the idea he's unreasonable enough and borderline abusive enough to kick off over a one off.

[Draineddraineddrained]

But as you say, we only have her word for it 🙄

[SleepingStandingUp]

Sorry but it's not an option to laze around all day in your pjs when your partner is out working as if anyone who's ever had a toddler actually thinks that's a possibility whilst the toddler is about. They'll still want feeding numerous times a day, either changing our help with toileting, entertaining - op just chose the mess stressful options and sorted the plates on the evening. Hardly neglectful.

Our lunch dishes rarely get done at lunch time because frankly my children are untrustworthy.

[HorseOfPhillipMoss]

I think someone going off on one about someone always gaming, reading sci fi and watching it and implying that's a central part of who they are, is probably prompted by more than a one off. If he screamed at her not acceptable, don't often hear adult men screaming though, especially over a one time Netflix binge. As I said to the OP she's the one who isn't happy and she can only change herself, so she changes her situation in some way, be that working, leaving, getting up and doing something that might make her feel more positive, whatever she needs to do. It's unlikely to be this.

[Mylittlesandwich]

DH is in a similar position to you OP, the main difference is that I am a key worker so we can access DSs nursery place if we need to. I do get frustrated that "all" DH does is play with and feed DS. The house is often a mess and we've had words about it tbh. I wouldn't and haven't screamed at him though. When I get in from working and I see the mess it does get me down so I can kind of see where your DH might be coming from. However if, as you've said, It's a one off then no I don't think he was being reasonable. However it's a stressful time for so many people and if this is out of character I'd cut him some slack.

[Oswin]

[quote HorseOfPhillipMoss]@Glenchase you do what we had to do and you send them to the shit keyworker provision.

You said you did nothing and now you're backtracking. Stay at home laze about call your husband a twat, leave him, do whatever you like. It's you that's not happy. Only you can change that.[/quote]
Horse you know you actually have to be a key worker to access that?
So OP should just get a job and then when there is no childcare, as will inevitably happen, what should she do then?

[HorseOfPhillipMoss]

She said they both have to work out of the house, in current lockdown they would be critical roles as everyone else should be WFH or furloughed