To leave DH for being a twat

[Glenchase]

I lost my job months ago. DS’s nursery keeps closing and opening and closing (currently closed until I don’t know when) so it’s not realistic for me to get another job right now. I’m sick of being stuck in the house on my own with a toddler. Sick of watching cartoons and playing trains. Sick of going for stupid walks in the cold and having to hang onto a toddler who doesn’t want to hold my hand and be constantly alert for idiots who come too close. Last night DS woke me up several times so I had to get in bed with him and then I just lay awake till 4am crying.

Today I was tired and just had enough so we had a duvet day. Stayed in our pyjamas, didn’t do any chores like emptying the dishwasher. Watched Netflix and DS fell asleep so I read my book for a bit.

DH has come home and all hell has broken loose because we’re still in our pyjamas and haven’t tidied up. He was screaming that I’m not a teenager and I can’t just sit around in my hoody watching childish things like The Witcher and reading Terry Pratchett and playing computer games with my friends (we have a weekly online game on a Thursday 8-11pm). Because I’m a mother and I have to get dressed and go for walks or whatever.

Firstly I don’t see what’s wrong with enjoying fantasy books and tv when I have time. Or playing one game per week after my child is in bed. Why is age relevant to enjoying those things? The friends I play with are aged 30-50. Secondly I don’t see what’s wrong with wearing a hoody (DH regularly wears a hoody himself). Thirdly I just feel he’s being ungrateful because he’s never congratulated me for the hundreds of days I’ve got up and dressed DS and taken him out, but the one day I don’t do it he starts screaming at me.

AIBU to just divorce him? He’s nasty and I’m sick of being criticised for what I think are fairly normal things. I’m tired and depressed and isolated and bored, and he’s just being selfish and unsupportive.

[Hannahusky]

Your dh sounds seriously controlling. I have no living children but I love gaming too. It's the best and it helps me with my mental health too and takes me out of my own head. My dh totally respects it. He's a gamer too and we often talk with each other about what we are playing.
He sounds very controlling and unreasonable and like he has no respect for your choices. You are not his slave and you are entitled to decide how to manage your own time. I would be saying the same regardless of gender.

[PeggyHill]

@Biffbaff

Some people on here need to decouple their sense of worth from doing chores. Free yourselves, ladies.

The "it's only one child" brigade can fuck right off as well.

What a wonderful comment, very refreshing to read!

I happen to do the lion's share of the housework because I'm a SAHP, but it isn't my "job". My "job" is caring for my children during the hours that DH is in work. If my DH came home from work and the place was a tip, he'd probably just assume that we'd had a tough day and order a take away, and then sit down in the mess with us to watch a film and have a cuddle. If he could be arsed then maybe he would go and get stuck in with some of the housework himself. That would be dependent on how he was feeling himself.

I would estimate that roughly 8 or 9/10 days he comes home to a clean house, laundry being taken care of, happy DC, and dinner in the oven. The other days it simply doesn't happen, either because we've been too busy with errands and other stuff, or because either me or the DC are unwell or just generally in need of a day of PJs and relaxing. I do not need to apologise or make excuses for that. Fuck that. It's how life goes. The thought of him having a go at me on those days is depressing as fuck. He simply wouldn't. I couldn't live with someone who was like that. We are a family and we love each other and respect each other too much for that. We are not machines. We are human.

[Biffbaff]

Some people on here need to decouple their sense of worth from doing chores. Free yourselves, ladies.

The "it's only one child" brigade can fuck right off as well.

[Nanny0gg]

@gutful

Dirty dishes piled up infuriate me to tears

If I had come home to a partner in PJs gaming with dishes at the sink would have to bite my tongue.

It takes 5 minutes to unstack a dishwasher or give the plates a rinse.

Which is what she did later.

WHEN SHE CHOSE TO DO IT.

She is not a housekeeper. It's up to her how she manages her day.

[Nanny0gg]

@Glenchase

she says she is essentially waiting to be congratulated for being a parent or at the very least her DH should be grateful that she’s a parent
Damn right he should be grateful! I’ve given up my opportunity to work so he is able to. I’ve given up my opportunity to go out of the house and do something interesting and talk to adults so he is able to. I didn’t sign up to be a SAHP but somebody had to because we have nowhere to send our child during this pandemic.

waste evenings playing video games
It’s not a waste. I enjoy it and it helps me relax and supports my mental health. Why is one hobby more worthy than another? I take 3hrs for myself once a week and I do something I enjoy.

Thanks to those who have posted helpful comments. I’d been up till 4am and I was just very tired and mentally worn out that day. Today we got up and went grocery shopping, visited granny in our bubble and delivered her groceries and did her housework, I did a bit of my online study course while DS played with toys, I cooked a bolognese, emptied the dishwasher and the bin. DH came home and didn’t say a word. So the good days are just ignored and taken for granted, he only comments on the bad days.

You really are married to an arse.

I think you should just stick to the Stay at Home PARENT role and anything relating to your husband can go out of the window.

Let him fend for himself

[Circumlocutious]

It doesn’t really matter how hard your job is in relation to a SAHP- most situations are tolerable if you’ve had a good night’s sleep. Not so for OP who stayed up til 4am. Having that fatigue over you can fuck up your whole day. You’d think people on here would know that...

[Circumlocutious]

Have read all of OPs posts and YANBU. A more compassionate partner would’ve checked in on your mental health instead of screaming at you.

[violetbunny]

@whatcangowrong

Firstly there are elements in your op which point towards a bit of depression. Others have recommended gp and I agree.

I have a job, a child and a husband. I don't game but I do other "time wasting" activities such as whatsapping friends, internet shopping etc when I could be doing something more productive.

My husband works hard, is successful, and if he has a spare moment he'll generally use it to do some batch cooking, gardening, or other job. He's very efficient. He also wastes a fair amount of time watching tv etc. I'm successful too but quite lazy and I procrastinate madly. But often my version of procrastinating is on frilly things such as decorating the house / buying furniture cheap on eBay / buying clothes for dc, which he sees as a bit unnecessary or at least as something to only spend a v limited amount of time on. I don't agree with him but hence the dynamic in the relationship is already that he says he does more than me.

I can completely imagine this scenario in our relationship. I would take a day like that in your position and would be able to happily justify it to myself. He would hit the roof. I wouldn't like being "shouted at" (in our case it would be aggressive tone of voice and sarcastic language not shouting) either but I think I would know deep down that he was kind of right. That my day hadn't helped our joint circumstances at all. That the kid probably hadn't really benefitted from it and that I should try to not do it again. That after he puts in so much effort it's a bit of a kick in the teeth to come home and find nothing done when the other person isn't working. Much as I try to resist his characterisation of me as slightly hopeless I do sometimes think that if he were suddenly not around I would be totally lost from a practical perspective and the reverse is not true as he would cope fine!! Is any of that going on in your relationship? Or is he actually just a twat

I'd be depressed too if I were married to an abusive twat.

[QueenArseClangers]

@LakieLady he’s probably all arsey cos his slaves wouldn’t dare have a duvet day!

[PunishmentSnart]

@Glenchase ignore half the posters on here.
Screaming at you over one day is NOT normal. Ahh, heck, if you wanted a week of chilling, screaming at you is not normal!

[SleepingStandingUp]

@whatcangowrong op isn't the only one who needs to look at her unhealthy relationship. You know if you misbehave he'll speak to you aggressively and sarcastically and make you feel small. He's got you thinking you're so useless you can't manage without him. Your message sounds like a cry for help not advice.

[Sinful8]

@gamerchick

Do the same again tomorrow.

Then the next day

You're on strike until he's had an attitude adjustment. Git. I hope you told him to fuck off.

At what point does the child suffer in this scenario?

[LakieLady]

[quote QueenArseClangers]@HorseOfPhillipMoss are you actually Phillip Moss from TA? Cos you sound just as nasty.
Talk about a race to the bottom and making up one’s own narrative [/quote]
I thought that too. Philip Moss in prison, posting on MN.

[Sceptre86]

I am 7 weeks pregnant and have awful nausea and sickness. It has also been snowing on and off here. On my days off I have at least one duvet day with the kids, I always go to the effort if having them look presentable but I will happily wear pjs all day at the moment. If you are struggling you ought to be able to speak to your partner and get much needed support. If that support is not forthcoming then some serious discussions need to be had. In the mean time speak to a gp and get help for your low mood.

[SueEllenMishke]

I can completely imagine this scenario in our relationship. I would take a day like that in your position and would be able to happily justify it to myself. He would hit the roof. I wouldn't like being "shouted at" (in our case it would be aggressive tone of voice and sarcastic language not shouting) either but I think I would know deep down that he was kind of right. That my day hadn't helped our joint circumstances at all. That the kid probably hadn't really benefitted from it and that I should try to not do it again. That after he puts in so much effort it's a bit of a kick in the teeth to come home and find nothing done when the other person isn't working.

This isn't a normal reaction. The OP had one lazy day ..... just one day because she was knackered. A loving partner would not begrudge you one day of down time, even if they are working.

A child should also learn that not every single day of your life has to be productive and a 'lazy' day I'd actually very beneficial.

[AryaStarkWolf]

@Glenchase

YABU for wearing a Hoodie as a grown adult
Really? 😂 Sorry but I’ll still be wearing them when I’m 80. I don’t see the problem.

I'm 42 and will never stop wearing hoodies either...what a strange comment

[whatcangowrong]

Firstly there are elements in your op which point towards a bit of depression. Others have recommended gp and I agree.

I have a job, a child and a husband. I don't game but I do other "time wasting" activities such as whatsapping friends, internet shopping etc when I could be doing something more productive.

My husband works hard, is successful, and if he has a spare moment he'll generally use it to do some batch cooking, gardening, or other job. He's very efficient. He also wastes a fair amount of time watching tv etc. I'm successful too but quite lazy and I procrastinate madly. But often my version of procrastinating is on frilly things such as decorating the house / buying furniture cheap on eBay / buying clothes for dc, which he sees as a bit unnecessary or at least as something to only spend a v limited amount of time on. I don't agree with him but hence the dynamic in the relationship is already that he says he does more than me.

I can completely imagine this scenario in our relationship. I would take a day like that in your position and would be able to happily justify it to myself. He would hit the roof. I wouldn't like being "shouted at" (in our case it would be aggressive tone of voice and sarcastic language not shouting) either but I think I would know deep down that he was kind of right. That my day hadn't helped our joint circumstances at all. That the kid probably hadn't really benefitted from it and that I should try to not do it again. That after he puts in so much effort it's a bit of a kick in the teeth to come home and find nothing done when the other person isn't working. Much as I try to resist his characterisation of me as slightly hopeless I do sometimes think that if he were suddenly not around I would be totally lost from a practical perspective and the reverse is not true as he would cope fine!! Is any of that going on in your relationship? Or is he actually just a twat

[blackcoffeecrumble]

@gutful your post actually made me wince ... 'pulled the depression card' what an awful and unkind thing to say to someone! Here's hoping you never go through a tough time in your life that makes you feel low and depressed.

Op games for 3hrs once a week - what's the big deal??

Do you know what also helps with mental health ... having a supportive partner and supportive people around you. Not criticism, horrible comments and hoody shaming (Christ).

What a sad and nasty thread this has turned into🤮!

[Bumblebee1980a]

@gutful

"Pulled the depression card"

What an awful thing to say. Have you actually paused to think OP could have depression?

When you are feeling down you have to look after yourself and if it means staying in your pjs for longer than necessary then so be it.

In fact I get the most jobs done in my pjs! I've cleaned the bathroom / toilet but only when I'm not having a down day. Maybe I get more done with them on as there's no pressure!

Sometimes when someone is feeling depressed they might want to have a pj day or they might want to keep busy. There are so many different ways of dealing with emotions and I guess we are all still learning how to cope when are having our really shit days.

[LemmysAceCard]

@gutful

If I had a partner who didn’t work, pulled the depression card & said gaming helps their mental health, hadn’t got dressed & left the kitchen dirty for me to come home from work to I would probably feel like yelling too.

You know what also helps mental health? Having a clean & tidy house.

Well you would have lost your voice yelling at me.

DP made the dinner last night, we dont have a dishwasher and i do the washing up as he cooks.

Last nights dishes and pans have only just this minute been washed. I dont give a shit what you or anyone else thinks. I will do them when i am good and ready.

And if you had come home and yelled at me for it you would have been bounced out the front door.

I never found having a clean and tidy house helped my mental health in way, having a duvet day and slobbing around for a day is my idea of bliss.

OP, you have done nothing wrong, you dont want congratulations for being a parent but the one time you dont get dressed and take toddler out is the one time he goes mental. Fuck him, he is not your boss.

[Playnoh]

Why is op getting such a hard time? Can’t people see a mum who needed a bit of downtime and got verbally abused for it by her partner. Taking one day to slob about doesn’t hurt anyone! Op you’ve done nothing wrong.

[Help1402]

I’m laying in bed in my pyjamas while my son naps and I haven’t even brushed my teeth yet. And we slept all night and had a lay in till 930am so no excuse with being up in the night. I probably have a day or two a week where I just can’t be bothered and feel really down because of this Fucking pandemic the tv will be going on a lot today aswell. He is horrible don’t feel bad.

[GrapesAreMyJam]

Glad you had a nice day OP. I'm amazed at the sheer amount of people who clearly can't read and understand your posts.

[GabsAlot]

Op hes not a nice man as your updates reveal

you cant talk to othe rpeople or met them without him kicking off thats not normal

he wants you at home being a stepword wife

[SleepingStandingUp]

Dirty dishes piled up infuriate me to tears I hope you're getting support in real life gutful

said gaming helps their mental health...You know what also helps mental health? Having a clean & tidy house. no, that helps you. For op it's spending time with friends. Hardly revolutionary.