To leave DH for being a twat

[Glenchase]

I lost my job months ago. DS’s nursery keeps closing and opening and closing (currently closed until I don’t know when) so it’s not realistic for me to get another job right now. I’m sick of being stuck in the house on my own with a toddler. Sick of watching cartoons and playing trains. Sick of going for stupid walks in the cold and having to hang onto a toddler who doesn’t want to hold my hand and be constantly alert for idiots who come too close. Last night DS woke me up several times so I had to get in bed with him and then I just lay awake till 4am crying.

Today I was tired and just had enough so we had a duvet day. Stayed in our pyjamas, didn’t do any chores like emptying the dishwasher. Watched Netflix and DS fell asleep so I read my book for a bit.

DH has come home and all hell has broken loose because we’re still in our pyjamas and haven’t tidied up. He was screaming that I’m not a teenager and I can’t just sit around in my hoody watching childish things like The Witcher and reading Terry Pratchett and playing computer games with my friends (we have a weekly online game on a Thursday 8-11pm). Because I’m a mother and I have to get dressed and go for walks or whatever.

Firstly I don’t see what’s wrong with enjoying fantasy books and tv when I have time. Or playing one game per week after my child is in bed. Why is age relevant to enjoying those things? The friends I play with are aged 30-50. Secondly I don’t see what’s wrong with wearing a hoody (DH regularly wears a hoody himself). Thirdly I just feel he’s being ungrateful because he’s never congratulated me for the hundreds of days I’ve got up and dressed DS and taken him out, but the one day I don’t do it he starts screaming at me.

AIBU to just divorce him? He’s nasty and I’m sick of being criticised for what I think are fairly normal things. I’m tired and depressed and isolated and bored, and he’s just being selfish and unsupportive.

[StillGoingToWork]

Total twat. I hope you told him as much.

One duvet day isn't an indication of societal collapse.

Ring your GP about your mood though @Glenchase just to be on the safe side. Your hobbies matter when you are feeling low.

[harknesswitch]

Yes he's a twat and he needs a dose of reality, he should help not bollock

[whoamongstus]

YANBU, it sounds like it he's trying to belittle for the things you like because he is annoyed you're not acting like the Stepford Wife. And that's so shitty, imagine telling your partner you think the things they like and how they socialise etc are 'embarassing' to you, to the point where you use them as insults... horrible.

[WhereYouLeftIt]

"Screaming" at you ? Is this a one-off or not? (Although even as a one-off it's not good.)

[partyatthepalace]

Sorry you are upset OP. Is this a one off from DP?? If it is it sounds like you are both stressed, as we all are. Leave it a few days and then have a calm conversation when you both say your piece and make peace.

If he’s regularly shouty and critical that is different.

[MintyCedric]

YADNBU

My husband was very similar.

Reader, I divorced him...and have been considerably happier since.

and at the grand old age of 45 I stay in my pyjamas all day if I feel like it and spend as much time fannying about on Tumblr and writing fanfic as I want

[HmmSureJan]

AIBU to just divorce him? He’s nasty and I’m sick of being criticised for what I think are fairly normal things. I’m tired and depressed and isolated and bored, and he’s just being selfish and unsupportive.

Yes, get rid. I had one like that and being honest it did carry on even after we broke up - constant criticism and dramatic declarations of what a terrible mother I was. Easier to bear when you don't have to hear it and can relegate him to his own email folder labelled "cunt".

[GhoulWithADragonTattoo]

With young kids I don’t think you can just opt out of the chores completely even for a day. I would be disappointed if I were DH here. I’m assuming you both do an even share of chores normally.

[Draineddraineddrained]

@GhoulWithADragonTattoo

With young kids I don’t think you can just opt out of the chores completely even for a day

Why on earth not? What will happen? will the world end because there are toys on the floor and crumbs on the table for 24 hours?

[SalmonEile]

To be fair to OP she was awake til 4am
I have a non sleeping toddler and some days I can take on the world with 2 hours of sleep and other days it’s pretty much if everyone is at least fed then it’s all good. If my toddler would allow a duvet day you bet I’d do it on some days.

[Draineddraineddrained]

Honestly I'm stunned how uptight so many people are on this thread. One day of saying 'fuck it'? Everyone safe and well and fed and watered - but it's so awful that no chores have been done and OP's in her jammies that it in some way warrants a screaming fit from a grown adult who is supposed to love her?

[HorseOfPhillipMoss]

I went to work today, got up in the freezing cold, worked a long day with was really stressful, came home and my boyfriend and our toddler were still in their pyjamas, the house was a tip, DC had been watching TV all day while my boyfriend was gaming and Christ knows what else. There's washing to be done, dinner hasn't even been thought about and he just keeps going on about how hard it is for him. He lost his job ages ago and hasn't even tried to get a new one, not even part time, says there's no point because of Covid. I'm exhausted. AIBU?

Bet there would be different response. Most men who game are called immature on here for a start.

[gamerchick]

Do the same again tomorrow.

Then the next day

You're on strike until he's had an attitude adjustment. Git. I hope you told him to fuck off.

[HorseOfPhillipMoss]

I'm not saying that's the way it is but there are two sides to this kind of story

[GhoulWithADragonTattoo]

Unloading dishwasher is such a basic thing that you can’t avoid. Similarly cleaning kitchen after meals. I’m not saying it has to be immaculate but I wouldn’t expect to get back from work to find even basics hadn’t been done.

[gamerchick]

@GhoulWithADragonTattoo

Unloading dishwasher is such a basic thing that you can’t avoid. Similarly cleaning kitchen after meals. I’m not saying it has to be immaculate but I wouldn’t expect to get back from work to find even basics hadn’t been done.

I dunno, I think it's a pain in the arse me. Much easier to do dishes. Labour saving device my arsehole.

[onlyconnect]

It sounds as if you totally deserve a pyjama day OP. Looking after a toddler is hard at the best of times , let alone during a pandemic.
Your husband needs to appreciate you and make it known. His life might be hard too but that doesn't mean yours isn't.

[GhoulWithADragonTattoo]

I’m not justifying DH shouting but I can see why he was upset. The

[Lockheart]

Was he actually "screaming"? If so, I'm surprised the neighbours didn't call the police. And I'd be very surprised if a sane person walked into a house and instantly kicked off without some back and forth beforehand.

OP, you do sound like you'd benefit from speaking to your GP about the way you feel.

If the way you've described your DH's actions are totally, honestly, 100% accurate then his behaviour is unacceptable. However if you're feeling low then it's likely you have a tendency to wallow and magnify and exaggerate - this isn't a criticism, I speak from direct experience.

[Draineddraineddrained]

@GhoulWithADragonTattoo

I’m not justifying DH shouting but I can see why he was upset.

But the issue is the shouting and the belittling, not that he was 'upset'. We all have feelings and no feelings are inherently 'wrong'. But adults are supposed to manage their feelings, not berate and browbeat someone they're supposed to love wh ohas clearly had a bad day.

And of course you can 'avoid' emptying the dishwasher. You just don't empty it until the next day. Likewise wiping down the kitchen. What actually happens if you don't do it for a day that is so disastrous? Explain!

[Ilovenewyear]

Team OP.
Being a SAHP is hard. Being one through necessity rather than choice is harder.
Her child is safe, warm, fed and loved. The other stuff can wait for a day.

And to the person who said “my sahp”, I seriously hope that was a typo.

[Draineddraineddrained]

@HorseOfPhillipMoss

I went to work today, got up in the freezing cold, worked a long day with was really stressful, came home and my boyfriend and our toddler were still in their pyjamas, the house was a tip, DC had been watching TV all day while my boyfriend was gaming and Christ knows what else. There's washing to be done, dinner hasn't even been thought about and he just keeps going on about how hard it is for him. He lost his job ages ago and hasn't even tried to get a new one, not even part time, says there's no point because of Covid. I'm exhausted. AIBU?
Bet there would be different response. Most men who game are called immature on here for a start

The OP wasn't gaming today. She does that with friends once a week. Today she veged out with her toddler, and then when he fell asleep she read a book. The horror.

If the OP had got a new job, every single time the nursery closed in the past few months her partner would have had to take time off work and share the job of looking after THEIR child. She is facilitating his job and helping them have some stability in this unpredictable time. She's not given any indication that she just can't be arsed to look for work, nor has she given any indication her DP has an issue with her being available for all the childcare - only that he feels entitled to dictate how she spends her days.

The washing needing doing you invented. Dinner not being cooked you invented. OP didn't mention these at all. Nor does it say anywhere that she told her husband what a hard time she's having, either as a one off on this occasion or 'keeps going on about it'.

Basically you've invented a different story with a far more put upon DH in order to justify him belittling and shouting at her like a lazy servant, and then tried to pretend the discrepancy is to do with their respective sexes.

Solidarity, sister

[Macncheeseballs]

I think it's a bit sad that op is so sick of her toddler, being stuck at home alone with the kids, is what lots of us are going through

[Bopping298]

Yes, get rid. I had one like that and being honest it did carry on even after we broke up - constant criticism and dramatic declarations of what a terrible mother I was. Easier to bear when you don't have to hear it and can relegate him to his own email folder labelled "cunt".

-> This

[gamerchick]

@Macncheeseballs

I think it's a bit sad that op is so sick of her toddler, being stuck at home alone with the kids, is what lots of us are going through

Behave