To think we’ll constantly be compared now (SIL)

[Hattieintheskywithdiamonds]

Basically SIL has given birth to a DS yesterday, I’m super pleased for her. We didn’t know what she was having.

But in my pregnant, sleep deprived, lockdown, hormonal mess state I’m feeling a bit meh!
We are due a DS in 3 months. I have this sinking feeling they will constantly be compared (especially by MIL).

DH’s family are very ‘compary’ with siblings close in age and competitive. They are thick skinned so not bothered by this attitude. I’m sensitive and take stuff to heart. My family are the ‘every person is unique’ type so I’m not used to it.

I can just see it becoming a constant ‘well X was walking by 10 months and had 7 teeth by now’ kinda thing. As they get older DS will likely always be ‘just behind’ his cousin and beaten to everything.

Sounds silly but already her labour is being compared to mine with toddler DD. She was 2 weeks overdue and I was repeatedly told this as though that meant I had no clue what heavily pregnant meant!
Also heard repeatedly yesterday how she was refusing all pain management despite not having slept in days and being ‘in agony’.
It’s said like it’s something to be really proud of. Made me feel like I’d been a proper drama queen having delivered on time and treated myself to an epidural! I was barely even pregnant apparently

Please tell me IABU I really hope I am. It’s very early and DD is very screamy.

Just learn to put that shit out with the rubbish. Ignore comparisons - build a little set of responses you can use over and over again. Or just tell anyone who is using those types of comparisons to stop being dicks.

It sounds like you’re doing the comparing.

Well, obviously your DS needs to start training from the moment of birth so he can beat his cousin.

Yeah, it's a bit crap but what can you do? Maybe you need to be very loud and proud in front of the relatives about "everyone is unique".

It's likely that your DS might be "just behind" in lots of baby and toddler milestones, but it's not likely to be the case for everything in life. You never know, maybe your DS will be the dominant one. There's no way to predict it.

Maybe you're being a little bit sensitive to it in relation to the birth comparisons.

Learn to write fuck you with your tongue on the roof of your mouth, whilst smiling sweetly. Best advice I ever heard haha!!! No point worrying about it now OP, some people love to compare babies regardless, but babies aren’t comparable and so all you can do is ignore the idiots!

I wouldn’t have chosen to have kids so close for exactly this reason but SIL announced her pregnancy a week or two after we’d made DS so what can you do huh.

Obviously I’m thrilled for them. I think it’s more a long-standing gripe with DH’s families mentality. I don’t think it’s healthy personally and I don’t intend to engage in it. I do find it regularly inflicted on me though. ‘Oh you’re off work with a bad cold? Well SIL actually died last year and still didn’t take a single day off’

MIL used to try and compare our DD to literally every other baby she knew of but that was easier to stamp out as non were close to us and I was firm!

Let them compare all they want. It really doesn’t mean anything to you. Why should it? Smile and wave - smile and wave.

Sounds like you can't win with MIL. If you weren't pregnant, she'd probably be making comments about how you weren't giving her more grandchildren, unlike SIL.

Just ignore, comparison is the thief of joy and all that. she's probably not going to change her ways.

You dont have control of their actions but you do have control of your own. They may compare, it happens in many families but you don't have to join in. Enjoy your baby & ignore the bullshit.

Also heard repeatedly yesterday how she was refusing all pain management despite not having slept in days and being ‘in agony’.

To things like this say "No prizes for pain you know!" in a sing song voice.

@Porridgeoat

It sounds like you’re doing the comparing.

It does a bit but get your husband on board and tell him to make it clear to his parents that making comparisons is wrong. I've seen that sort of thing in other families and it is hurtful, even if not intended that way. Some people are just tactless and it is a good idea to point it out to them.

I think there's two things here. Firstly, you probably do need to learn to block it out a bit and 'toughen up' yourself. It sounds like you have a lovely attitude and they are all a bit stupid and insecure themselves. Also, I think sometimes when family are besotted with a new addition they just want to talk about them all the time (my MIL was like this) but obviously with a baby there's not that much to talk about and so it turns into inane questions about 'how many teeth have they got?' etc. which can sound competitive but is really just whittering on.

Secondly, and I mean this kindly. Once you have a second DC, the whole atmosphere around the baby is so different to your first. I had a three year age gap and I honestly don't remember any of DC2s proper milestones or even thinking about them. Life was a manic, stressful but love filled blur. All the things I spent time thinging and talking about with DC1 went out the window and i didn't give as much of a shit anyway. I think a DC2 when you already have a toddler uses up so much important brainspace that it's much easier to let the small stuff go.

@FortunesFave yes - good one, or ' that's nice, will you be following the same plan if you ever break a leg?'

Just repeat... every baby is different...I've never seen a fully grown man crawl into work, in a nappy drinking his puree food.

My mil and mother tried to compare a few times... I shut that shit down.

I compare my 2 girls but only in that it shows how different they are and how kids do stuff at their own pace.

Also if DS is your 2nd then the 2nd more often does stuff quicker cause they learn from their older sibling... whereas the first is reliant on the parent teachings and when they get to see other kids.

There are 4 months between my DD and my DHs nephew (my DD is younger). Yes. They are always compared by my MIL especially. My DD was slow to crawl, walk, talk, and DHs nephew flew along. There were lots of comments about him being 'so clever', 'gifted', and 'such a happy little boy' and my DD being 'a little slow, but she will get there'. My MIL nicknamed her 'grump' and once asked if we could swap her for a 'smarter and nicer' kid at a party. I am also a teacher and I did things like talk to her constantly, I did crafts, I tried to limit tv. They said about how funny it was that the teachers kid was behind. I HATE it.

You have to become tough. You have to look at your kid and accept them for who they are no matter what, and always be their advocate ( not try and big them up, just stand up for who they are). If they do the opposite to me, and decide your SILs kid is the 'slow one', try back her up a bit. If you dont it will breed serious resentment, trust me

Reduce contact - are you adult ?
I know families expect to see the members of their families but really you need to get a life away from this lot.

I have this with my SIL as only 8 months between our boys. Boys are 3 and 4 now and are very different with different personalities. My DS potty trained early but her DS is fantastic with riding a bike etc and learns things like that quickly.

I just ignore comparisons, they don't help.

Comparisons only work if you put value on them.

For example, if you care who crawls first then someone else's child doing it first will sting. And someone crowing about it even more so.

But, each child is themselves, what you are thinking is that there is value in being first. But there is not. There is value in your child just as they are and are meant to be.

You probably do need to learn to shrug it off a bit, see them less, or just ignore it

My DS is six weeks younger than his two cousins who were born three days apart. They've all ended up so completely different from each other that comparisons just aren't made. It also helped when they were all in different schools.

The main problem we've had is DSIL trying to force friendships between them and then getting upset when they're not really interested because they're so different.

Comparisons are always going to be made and its so annoying but I just don't think people realise what they're doing. I would say just ignore it and shrug it off, unless you think they're doing it to deliberately upset you? Saying something will just make it into a big issue - sometimes it's best not to say anything and just think 'fuck offffff' in your head whilst you smile and nod at them!

You need to step away from them. Are you all geographically close?

There’s that saying - “comparison is the thief of joy” - just say that every single time. Then change the subject.

I had with a friend/next door neighbour. Her DC was born 4 months before I had my twins. While we both pregnant she pointed out that her DC would be in the year above so he would be always be more clever than my DC! Here we are many years later - my two have 3 A’levels each and one has a Masters Degree, her DC left school with no qualifications. Karma??

Why does it matter?? It's you that's making the big deal out of this, just ignore them!!

I've had two very close to my dsis - one 3 months after her and one 3 months before her. Honestly, I have never heard anyone make comparisons between them. They are just individuals close in age to another individual.