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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think we’ll constantly be compared now (SIL)

181 replies

Hattieintheskywithdiamonds · 25/01/2021 05:20

Basically SIL has given birth to a DS yesterday, I’m super pleased for her. We didn’t know what she was having.

But in my pregnant, sleep deprived, lockdown, hormonal mess state I’m feeling a bit meh!
We are due a DS in 3 months. I have this sinking feeling they will constantly be compared (especially by MIL).

DH’s family are very ‘compary’ with siblings close in age and competitive. They are thick skinned so not bothered by this attitude. I’m sensitive and take stuff to heart. My family are the ‘every person is unique’ type so I’m not used to it.

I can just see it becoming a constant ‘well X was walking by 10 months and had 7 teeth by now’ kinda thing. As they get older DS will likely always be ‘just behind’ his cousin and beaten to everything.

Sounds silly but already her labour is being compared to mine with toddler DD. She was 2 weeks overdue and I was repeatedly told this as though that meant I had no clue what heavily pregnant meant!
Also heard repeatedly yesterday how she was refusing all pain management despite not having slept in days and being ‘in agony’.
It’s said like it’s something to be really proud of. Made me feel like I’d been a proper drama queen having delivered on time and treated myself to an epidural! I was barely even pregnant apparently Hmm

Please tell me IABU I really hope I am. It’s very early and DD is very screamy.

OP posts:
TickyTacky · 26/01/2021 18:20

My eldest is 6 months younger than his cousin (my dhs dsis & her dh) and this was my fear. I have to say it hasn't happened and both boys are loved for who they are - no comparisons at all Smile

Kelp23 · 26/01/2021 18:24

My DD and my sister's DS were born 7 weeks apart. They are literally best friends. All kids are different and have strengths and weaknesses like adults. If anyone starts comparing just ignore them.

mammmamia · 26/01/2021 18:27

I was worried about this as well as my SIL and I pretty much gave birth the same week. However my PILS have been absolutely lovely and never once compared them, going out of their way to make the point that all children are different. Maybe yours will too or if they don’t may need it gently pointing out.
It did help that my SIL had one baby and I had twins so in terms of pregnancy and childbirth there was absolutely no comparison Grin and of course no comparison of birth weight etc as mine being twins were bound to be a bit smaller but I can imagine I would have been very over sensitive about those topics otherwise even if I didn’t need to be.

Whatthebloodyell · 26/01/2021 18:27

You sound a bit sensitive tbh. Comparisons are normal, they aren’t always said with judgement attached. I’m only a few months older than my cousin. I loved growing up with her and I never felt that we were pitched against each other .

mammmamia · 26/01/2021 18:28

And yes look on the bright side of having a play mate for your child - there’s nothing like a having a cousin the same age if the families get on.

Shrivelled · 26/01/2021 18:37

My children have cousins very similar ages on both sides of the family. Family meet-ups (pre covid) were brilliant. Much better having cousins the same age than an age gap and children left out. I don’t know how you’re turning a positive into a negative here, I really couldn’t get myself worked up about it.

Passenger42 · 26/01/2021 18:44

I actually think your post reads that you are being rather mean spirited. Is your SIL first child and she is enjoying the attention and liking to tell the tales of the birth. It’s not here fault she had a boy and it’s going to be a few months ahead. Maybe you should be thinking of all the clothes that might come your way from her as hers is that little bit older. All her that little time to enjoy and think positive rather than concluding you will be compared. They will be company for each other as they are close cousins and that’s nice.

mylaptopismylapdog · 26/01/2021 18:46

If they’re like that let them get on with it while you concentrate on yourself, your children and your partner.
The last thing you should worry about now is what they think.

bemusedmoose · 26/01/2021 18:47

i was compared and at the time it bothered me a lot. But now - couldnt careless. I am sensitive and was hormonal but hearing my ex say 'oh so and so is so poorly - she cant even face her cereal. Well great - i was so sick i couldnt hold down water for pretty much the hole pregnancy and you still forced me to walk the dog in the snow while vomiting because you wouldnt do it, i got - ooh look at her belly, she's got such a glow! why dont you look like that!? So and so wants a water birth (but my home birth was lunacy). Some people compare the crap out of everything and i'm a everyone is different sort and i hate it. Doesnt help that those compary sorts are always making a point of you being the one that isnt up to mustard which constantly makes you feel crap. Just ignore - they get their joy from making others miserable, bit like an emotional vampire. Just ignore it and remind yourself it's their mean crappy attitude that is the problem

Owl55 · 26/01/2021 18:50

YABU but only because you are feeling super sensitive at the moment and vulnerable . Enjoy your pregnancy and just welcome your own baby and try ignore getting into comparison talk with them .Good Luck xx

Girlyracer · 26/01/2021 18:53

You're lucky they had a boy. If there's had been a girl, they'd have laid that on thick too.

sadblackcat · 26/01/2021 19:08

My friend whos boy is two days younger than my daughter was very competitive. Stuarts sitting up is Lisa sitting up?, Stuarts walking is Lisa Walking?. I must admit it got me going and I fell for it. I taught my daughter to count when she was about 2, I thought that will show you. So friend comes round and I say right Lisa remember count for Carol, I open the door and Stuart looks at my door number and says look mummy number 13. I gave up after that, he really was more advanced than Lisa. Fast forward 14 years and my daughter got 8 A and 3 As in her GCSEs. I thought that will show you. Only to find out that Stuart got 11 A. He really was cleverer than Lisa. And to top it all hes good looking and a really nice person...........grrrrrrr

Macmoominmamma · 26/01/2021 19:13

Highly irritating tendency of people to compare .......our friends came to stay with us with 1st dd who was 10 months old while we had 8 month old dd. First words out of male friend’s mouth .. ie IN THE HALL was “Hello Macmoominmamma... what can dd do. Our dd can do xyz.” By end of weekend I felt crap and useless parent. Not helpful. You will always have twats like this. Also dd was kicked in head at wacky warehouse. I went to speak with his mum in a non confrontational way and her response was “yeah he goes to nursery ... he’s very forward” FFS! Dd is now 14 and I don’t give a shit as have found my inner mamma roar. You need some smart arse response to any dickhead comparison ... or just tell them to shut up. That should do it! 😏😏😏. You can always put it down to being hormonal. But if they’re so thick skinned they won’t bother if you tell them to shut up! Good luck OP .. don’t let the wankers get you down.

ERFFER · 26/01/2021 19:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

itsbiganditsorange · 26/01/2021 19:38

Don't worry about it OP. Your ds might be a few months younger and hit those milestones later...

But he'll be better looking. Wink

MummyJ12 · 26/01/2021 19:56

Oh OP, I’m sorry you feel like this. Especially in these times when you can’t meet up with friends for a coffee, support and vent!
I don’t think YABU, or over sensitive (patronising much?! Hmm)
Try and limit the time you spend with them as much as humanly possible. If it’s as bad as you say, then you’re only going to feel worse for seeing them not better. Talk to your DP how you are feeling too, although he probably won’t understand as much as you’d like him to, he needs to know how they are making you feel and why you will be avoiding them as much as possible in future. You need to concentrate on you and your family. Your DC do not need the constant comparisons, competitiveness and negativity as they grow up either.
Wishing you heaps of luck Flowers

Flibbitygibbit · 26/01/2021 19:56

I had Ds on a Saturday. DSIL has niece on the Monday 😱 For the first 10 odd years there was a lot of comparing going on by exmil. I ignored it 🤣

Honeyroar · 26/01/2021 20:00

Just say “can you stop comparing and just enjoy them!” Every time. In a years time they’re going to be charging round her house causing carnage so she probably won’t have time to compare!

BiscoffAnythingIsTheWayForward · 26/01/2021 20:04

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable to fear it may happen, given the family history. In all honesty though, put all that extra energy in to thinking about your baby. They don’t deserve your time worrying. Whatever they say when comparing is irrelevant. You can smile and in your head know that you have risen above that shit and celebrate your DS’s and your nephews achievements, regardless of what they are.

allthegoodusernameshavegone · 26/01/2021 20:11

Yabu, Don’t discuss these things with them, don’t tell them anything, then they can’t compare. Why get upset about this stuff

Babysharkdododododododododod · 26/01/2021 20:28

This is currently happening in my family. Mine and SIL baby born 5 weeks apart. MIL constantly trying to find ways to prove that SIL has it so much harder than me, even though she constantly has someone there helping and has regular breaks every day. Meanwhile I’m trying to work, juggle three kids under 6, and work on a degree. Husband works full time but helps when he’s home. I’m struggling but not feeling sorry for myself

LovelyIssues · 26/01/2021 21:55

Unfortunately quite likely. Me and SIL have girls 2 months apart. Mine walked quicker, hers talked quicker etc constantly compared on size Brew it's annoying but I have learned to just smile and nod

BrieAndChilli · 26/01/2021 22:00

Who knows?
DS2 is 6 weeks younger than my nephew. Now we aren’t a family to compare and the boys are very different but DS walked months before is cousin so just because there’s a few weeks difference you can never tell who will talk/walk etc first. I wouldn’t sweat it.

BrieAndChilli · 26/01/2021 22:01

Put it this way. When talking to adults can you tell who walked or talked first? Or started reading first?

pollymere · 26/01/2021 22:12

Just laugh about it. When I look back at all the comparisons made between myself and my cousins, yet I'm the one with the qualifications. Or all the comparisons made when mine were tiny about kids who were so much more advanced apparently...