To think we’ll constantly be compared now (SIL)

[Hattieintheskywithdiamonds]

Basically SIL has given birth to a DS yesterday, I’m super pleased for her. We didn’t know what she was having.

But in my pregnant, sleep deprived, lockdown, hormonal mess state I’m feeling a bit meh!
We are due a DS in 3 months. I have this sinking feeling they will constantly be compared (especially by MIL).

DH’s family are very ‘compary’ with siblings close in age and competitive. They are thick skinned so not bothered by this attitude. I’m sensitive and take stuff to heart. My family are the ‘every person is unique’ type so I’m not used to it.

I can just see it becoming a constant ‘well X was walking by 10 months and had 7 teeth by now’ kinda thing. As they get older DS will likely always be ‘just behind’ his cousin and beaten to everything.

Sounds silly but already her labour is being compared to mine with toddler DD. She was 2 weeks overdue and I was repeatedly told this as though that meant I had no clue what heavily pregnant meant!
Also heard repeatedly yesterday how she was refusing all pain management despite not having slept in days and being ‘in agony’.
It’s said like it’s something to be really proud of. Made me feel like I’d been a proper drama queen having delivered on time and treated myself to an epidural! I was barely even pregnant apparently

Please tell me IABU I really hope I am. It’s very early and DD is very screamy.

[YeOldeTrout]

My feeling is this is a great opportunity to work on the skill of a acquiring a thicker skin. Once you master this with predictable relatives, you'll be able to draw on the same skill when dealing with random arseholes and too blunt MNers.

Their comments only have as much meaning and importance as you give to them. People are allowed silly opinions.

[Iminaglasscaseofemotion]

Of course your child will more than likely be slightly behind, in the first 2 years, because he will be 3 months younger.

As for the no pain relief in childbirth, if they are really using that as a stick to beat you with, I would just say "more fool her. Did she get a medal for it?" everytime.

[Carysmatthews]

More fool her for refusing pain relief.
I don’t this is unusual, people often compare. Try and let it wash over you.

[BoomyBooms]

That would wind me up. You're going to have to stand up to it. Wait and see if it does happen like you expect, because you may be catastrophising, but if they do start making comments have some of your own ready. If they say 'baby x was doing that at z age' you could just say 'thats great, they all develop so differently don't they' or outright tell them that you don't need to compare. Works both ways though, so you'll have to challenge it even of the comparison is in favour of your child.

[coldsunnydays]

From your example it really does sound like you are doing the comparing, not them. Are you sure they are comparing? They will talk about their family, their experiences and their grandchildren. You are just going to have to get used to that.

[Coyoacan]

I think you need to protect the children involved from this comparing. My dd is excellent at doing this with her father's family, even though they favour her child in the comparisons.

[CharityDingle]

Cultivate a vague stare, it works.

Oh yes, yes, while looking blank and obviously not taking in what has been said.

[Indecisive12]

My parents are very compary. I love my parents and am close to them but it has damaged by relationship with sibling and my self-esteem over the years. I protect my children from it by not telling them things, they ask what level they’re working at to compare with cousins etc and I just say it’s not worth comparing as schools have different methods etc. They’ve stopped asking. If they compare my children I just say I love how different they are and how amazing DC1 is at x but DC 2 is amazing at y and they’re so kind at helping each other etc. The things I say they’re amazing at are their passions or things they do individually so as not to add to the comparison. It does hurt but I also think it says more about them, I know my children are amazing and I also know they adore them.

[KellyanneConway]

Refuse to play the game, totally opt out of it all. E.g. grit your teeth & agree with MIL that SIL is an amazing trooper; "yes, isn't she great?" Encourage your DS & his cousin to be best friends, rather than rivals. From my experience, the comparers get bored (maybe even a bit shamed) with your non-competitiveness, the children gravitate towards you due to non-toxic/less stressy vibe and you can take the moral high ground.

[HorseOfPhillipMoss]

DS is a month younger than DN , nephew potty trained early, and walked slightly younger, DS is a lot more verbal and can count already. Each of them will have their own strengths and if your in laws are like that they would've compared regardless of the gap. I had a neighbour tell me her son was toilet trained by 18 months as though DS was behind, she's 86 and her son is in his sixties! You just need to not get caught up in it. 'they're all so different aren't they' smile... On repeat.

[wheretonow123]

You were hardly going to stop trying form a child when your SIL made here announcement were you?

Live your life to your and your husband's standards and just ignore the others - either completely ignore or have some smart ass responses up your sleeve.

You are making it an issue with all of this.

[longestlurkerever]

Tbh I think you come across a bit badly here. Your sil has just had a baby, a cousin close in age to your dc2 but instead of viewing this as a matter of joy, you're focussing on how it will take the shine off your own dc's birth. I can't really imagining this being my primary worry at this time, regardless of how their attitude might from time to time annoy me. If you're really going to take no joy in the counsin dynamic then best to reduce contact so it doesn't have much chance to bother you.

[MustardMitt]

I can see why it bothers you but you really need to get a thicker skin.

It’s so childish. Reprogramme yourself to not care - because most people don’t. You don’t win any prizes for suffering instead of taking painkillers. Just shrug and say everyone is different if they make daft comments about teeth or crawling, or if you’re feeling naughty say your teeth only came in at 14 months and you have a PhD

[Witchend]

It's natural to compare especially when they're so close in age.

However unless you make it, then actually it's often easier having the younger one.
When the older one does it first, no big deal, you expect that. If the younger one does it first then they're overtaking.
Put it this way: dd1 crawled at 9 months, dd2 was walking at 8 months, so if they'd been babies born 3 months apart, dd1 would have been crawling when dd2 was running. That would have been a little irritating to compare. They're in their teens and both have a resistance to walking any distance now.

The labour one did make me laugh though. You don't actually need to compare labours, but it does remind me of bil who had their first dc way after ours.
He got very stroppy when we suggested it might not arrive on its due date "we know our dates exactly". That they might want to look at pain relief other than breathing "we've practiced and know exactly what we're doing and we won't need anything."
Baby arrived 10 days late with all the pain killers they were allowed...
However his story of how "they" laboured and how amazing everyone who came into contact thought they were. I can't remember whether he actually had the whole maternity wing clapping their leaving, but it was that sort of story.
However he's local to us and I have a lot of friends who work up there and I know (without them mentioning names) that they may well have been clapping their leaving but it wasn't because they thought they were so amazing.
I just chuckle to myself when he starts the telling.
Unfortunately he's continued in that fashion so now has a dc who thinks he is absolutely amazing in every way, which is going to be far more of a problem for that dc than anyone else.

[hansgrueber]

@FortunesFave

Also heard repeatedly yesterday how she was refusing all pain management despite not having slept in days and being ‘in agony’.

To things like this say "No prizes for pain you know!" in a sing song voice.

'Well she was disorganised, wasn't she? Going two weeks over and not having a high pain threshold', then run and hide when it hits the fan! I'm never in favour of the 'grin and take it on the chin' philosphy.

[YoniAndGuy]

MIL used to try and compare our DD to literally every other baby she knew of but that was easier to stamp out as non were close to us and I was firm!

This is what stands out for me.

If you are happy to stamp out, then yes you can do the same here and if anything, it will be even easier. Because the best of all possible reasons is - you do not want either your DS or his cousin to - feel that they are in competition, feel that they are being unfavourably compared to one another, feel that there is some sort of division in the family 'sides'.

If you were able to use the right words to stamp out MIL comparing your DD with other babies, then you can DEFINITELY do the same here. And the very small suggestion, left hanging in the air, of you needing to keep some distance if it keeps happening, for DS's welfare... that's probably all that you need to say.

'MIL, please, you need to stop comparing them. I really don't like the idea of them being set up in some sort of strange competition. We want them to be close, proud of each other, and never feel worried that the adults around them are comparing them to see which one is 'best' at anything. If that happens, we won't be able to be as close and spend as much time with them together as we'd like to as DS's mental health will come way before anything else.'

[Babyiskickingmyribs]

´It’s interesting how babies are all so different isn’t it’ on repeat. I’d also invent distantly connected babies (sister’s best friend’s 3rd little boy, friend’s cousin’s first baby etc) with increasingly extreme milestones. ‘My friend’s cousin’s little boy walked at 8months but was almost completely bald until he was 2´ So and so could say ´mum’ at 4 months but they weren’t sure if she meant ´mummy’ or just liked the sound of it. ‘My friend’s little girl had 10 teeth at 7 month but her little boy didn’t get any at all until nearly 14 months’ ´My cousin didn’t walk till he was two but now he runs marathons.´

[NoParticularPattern]

My MIL does this and you need to stop engaging or giving it so much headspace. You’ll never get her to stop but you can control how you react to it. My MIL very obviously favours her older grandchildren over ours and we are regularly treated to “oh well BILs kids were all walking by 9 months” and “oh well SIL took 4 years to conceive and had to have a caesarean you know”. She loves a sad story and is the ultimate gossip. Don’t react to it just get on with it. You’ll never change her.

[partyatthepalace]

Ignore it

But within that I would adopt quite a robust taking the piss out of attitude eg - ‘Oh do stop comparing the boys Margery, we can’t afford therapy on top of stay and play’ ‘no he isn’t crawling yet, but we can see the way he’s using his voice is really going to help with mandarin

It depends on you but I’d find taking the piss a bit easier than always biting my tongue. And puts you on front foot, them on back.

[TwirpingBird]

@KatherineofAragon oh my god that's brilliant! I am plagued by "oh, has your DD not done X yet? Oh (DHs nephew) did that 6 months ago" comments. The compare them CONSTANTLY and my poor DD is always behind. I worry so much that she will notice more and more that they favour DHs nephew.

This is going to change everything! Thank you!!

[AndThenTheDayBecomesTheNight]

I like what YoniandGuy suggests. However, I might first try the stock stuck-record response, identical (even down to the intonation) every single time: 'That's lovely for him [baby]/her [SIL]'. Said politely and sincerely, but the same response every single time. If there's an element of winding you up/trying to make you feel small involved in this, that response will cut it straight off.

[2bazookas]

You're putting yourself through this stress, which is very silly. and harms nobody but yourself.

[Diverseopinions]

Life is such a changeable thing. No one can predict what challenges individuals will face over the years. The childhood phase is so short in relation to age 20 - 90, that it doesn't signify at all who is bonnier, cleverer, smilier. The kids will change. Ones with MENSA IQs might never want to work. Who they pair up with will affect their lives as much as skills, gifts and attributes. Then there is Providence and Chance.

The positive, is they will have each other. Nicer than being the only one of their generation as first cousins.

But to help you get over this, you might as well acknowledge the timings rationally. Yes. You're not wrong. It would be very convenient if all the grandchildren could come along with five years between each one. Just as MIL is losing one to school and growing sophistication, another little one will arrive. And alternating between the sexes, even better. It does slightly dilute the impact of an arrival. ( A bit like the poster who wrote on a thread about two family weddings, a week apart in the same venue) . But that acknowledged, it is a completely flawed response to get uptight about it because so many more things, like happiness and love, are more important.

Your MIL will be blessed to have two baby grandchildren. She will just be happy - she won't be meaning any harm. Try to imagine being her and how you'd feel: really thrilled. Just be glad for this light and joy and don't shadow it with angst and unhappiness. It's so unnecessary. Then again, think your MIL is just one person. Big deal what she thinks. They'll be lots of people in your child's life.

[Cattitudes]

Is SIL your husband's sister or his brother's wife? If the latter then I might warn her that MIL is a bit heavy on the comparisons in case she starts trying to compare her dc too. Just take the we are wanting them to be friends not rivals approach every time, although I do like the ' well his other grandma said... ' approach from a passive aggressive position!