To think we’ll constantly be compared now (SIL)

[Hattieintheskywithdiamonds]

Basically SIL has given birth to a DS yesterday, I’m super pleased for her. We didn’t know what she was having.

But in my pregnant, sleep deprived, lockdown, hormonal mess state I’m feeling a bit meh!
We are due a DS in 3 months. I have this sinking feeling they will constantly be compared (especially by MIL).

DH’s family are very ‘compary’ with siblings close in age and competitive. They are thick skinned so not bothered by this attitude. I’m sensitive and take stuff to heart. My family are the ‘every person is unique’ type so I’m not used to it.

I can just see it becoming a constant ‘well X was walking by 10 months and had 7 teeth by now’ kinda thing. As they get older DS will likely always be ‘just behind’ his cousin and beaten to everything.

Sounds silly but already her labour is being compared to mine with toddler DD. She was 2 weeks overdue and I was repeatedly told this as though that meant I had no clue what heavily pregnant meant!
Also heard repeatedly yesterday how she was refusing all pain management despite not having slept in days and being ‘in agony’.
It’s said like it’s something to be really proud of. Made me feel like I’d been a proper drama queen having delivered on time and treated myself to an epidural! I was barely even pregnant apparently

Please tell me IABU I really hope I am. It’s very early and DD is very screamy.

I meant to add that my sister, SIL and I all gave birth within 4 weeks of each other! They are all 13 now. My sister and I swap stories of how annoying our kids are while SIL boasts about her DD who is Practically Perfect in Every Way.

She’s the kid who is teaching herself Mandarin and learning to play an instrument during lockdown. As well as being top of her class of course. While ours sit in a darkened room playing on the PS4 24/7.

We laugh at SIL behind her back and try to just deal with our brother.

In the nicest possible way I have found the people who are worried about being judged are those who are quick to judge others. I think its because they think alot about things.
I have twins - they had one cousin born 1 month before them and one cousin born 2 days after them. If anyone compares its just really making conversation. Your older child is still quite young - you'll find as kids get older there is less conversation about their development milestones as its really obvious in school kids are all very different. Let it go and enjoy your pregnancy.

I'd nearly put money she will be doing similar to SIL about your DC.
It is really rude IMO to compare DC I've no problem with bragging if proud of something they achieved but I'd put on foot down at comparisons on every day tasks.

I’m relieved to see it’s not just me who has struggled and as I suspected it probably will become a thing now.

We are geographically close yes and DH is not the type to intervene at all. I can’t distance us as MIL isn’t a bad person at all, just compares a lot and seems to prize pointless suffering a bit she adores DD though and I would remove us from her.

I suspect at some point In the future I’ll have a word about it and ask her to stop comparing DS to DN if she is bad for it but that will be my first course of action.

If it then kept on, didn’t stop or DS becomes very aware of it as he grows up that’s when I’d consider lowering contact. Really don’t think it’ll come to that tho

Just wondered if I was being melodramatic for feeling like that this morning

@Bythemillpond

Also heard repeatedly yesterday how she was refusing all pain management despite not having slept in days and being ‘in agony

I think “Why the fuck not? What is she trying to prove” would have been an appropriate response.

Learn a few replies like “Bully for them” and “So what” Even “Why the comparison. Everyone’s different” or turn it back on MIL. Find someone who is her age in the media and ask her why she isn’t an Oscar winning actress. After all she is only 2 weeks younger/older than this person.
I do think an occasional “Bugger off” is also an appropriate response

But SIL hasn't done anything wrong? At the point that you're criticising the choices made in labour by other women then you've very much sunk to MIL's level, if not some way below it (MIL doesn't actually seem to have directly criticised the epidural). Since OP recognises that her own family's ethos of not comparing is a better one then it would be a bit of a shame to get involved in the back and forth rather than rising above it. And criticising a decision made in labour by a woman who gave birth a couple of days ago seems particularly low!

Also heard repeatedly yesterday how she was refusing all pain management despite not having slept in days and being ‘in agony’.

Silly cow!

My MIL has always compared DS to his cousin who is a few months younger always pointing out how cousin was so much brighter, advanced, creative. Now they are both 16 they are so different, DS meets so many more of the standards MIL admires, clever, sporty, confident and competitive. Poor cousin is geeky and slightly odd with some worrying mental health issues. MIL rarely compares them now.

If it then kept on, didn’t stop or DS becomes very aware of it as he grows up that’s when I’d consider lowering contact. Really don’t think it’ll come to that tho

Yeah, this has gone beyond melodramatic.

People compare kids. They do it whether they are related or not, close in age or not, it just happens. Get over it, get on with it, and any suggestion of taking away your child's relationship with his grandparent because of it is really controlling and unpleasant.

"No one can make you feel inferior except yourself"

Wise words and true.
It's that negative voice in your head turning what's said about your sil into a negative comment about you.
Can you stop that negative voice ?
Ignore it ?

Just see them less, ignore them. Yes, you’re being a little over sensitive, I think.

EllyNC Learn to write fuck you with your tongue on the roof of your mouth, whilst smiling sweetly.

Best advice ever. I have just tried it out and it is so satisfying.I am going to use this a lot from now on! Work , family, shopping, it has endless possibilities!

As people have said - smile and wave. My MIL did this and in the end I decided it was mostly because she had nothing else going on in her life. Also she was dying for me to say something negative so she could pass it on and cause bother, but mostly it was because she had nothing else to do. Once I'd worked that out, I actually felt a bit sorry for her and a quick "that's nice" and change the subject usually worked. It's just what some people do - try not to let it bother you.

Are your parents involved? If they are, you can have some fun. Every time your MIL says something along the lines of comparison, take a breath, count to 5 and then say “ the other Grandma did this / said this positive thing for DD”. You can even just say it the baby in a cooing kind of way. Pretend to you have not heard the previous comment or play up on it. And be lovely about it. Say your MIL says the baby isn’t walking yet. Breathe, count to 5, and say “grandma x said crawling is good for muscle development. “ it will be fun to think of “counter curses” plus you will be too tired too care :)

My DS and his cousin have a 3 month age gap. My labour was awful, 50 hours and ended up with forceps and many tears. My SIL used breathing techniques and had a great (if it exists) labour. My SIL is also absolutely lovely, so it really doesn't matter. There's been no comparisons and how lovely it will be for the cousins to be so close in age. If there is any family comparisons, tell them to pipe down.

@LemonTT

For someone who believes everyone is an individual, you don’t seem to know that applies to you SIL as well. She’s entitled to be different from you. All people are doing is describing her experience. It’s different from yours. But you think that is wrong.

Sounds to me like you allow difference but only on your own terms and never to exceed your expectations. And you have fixated on another woman as being the wrong doer here. That’s a bit telling.

This. Also the “I’m thrilled “ You really don’t sound thrilled.

Don’t tell them anything, then they’ve nothing to compare it to

Would they be doing it in a mean way though or would it just be a case of 'oh, other DGC did this yesterday,' in an excited way? If they are doing it in a mean, goady way then every time they do it, reply with 'well other grandparents did this for DC yesterday, aren't they fab!' Compare your parents to them as grandparents, see how they like comparisons.

You will care less as you become more sure of yourself. Practice the enjoyment of going your own way.
Parenting is one of the only things you get to do in your own way with your own values.
Let me tell you a story about my SIL. We both married the brothers in DH's family. SIL met DBIL several years after I had been with DH abs looking back at myself and my attitude is just comical now. She appears, all lovely, with long limbs and a nice middle class lack of accent.
My heart sank with my stout Northern legs and regional accent to match. She is a high achiever and always worked herself so hard.
But somewhere along the line, I knew I could not "compete" in this imaginary competition.
Her children are really well behaved while mine have seemed a little more random, to the point where I have had to say, "I've got to parent my own children in my own way" as she was unhappy that mine were doing things that her children were not allowed to.
I just don't care anymore. We are different and cannot be the same. She has had it tough in ways I have not resulting in her pushing herself in ways I just wouldn't.
I'm doing ok. My DH and my in laws love me. We laugh a lot, I have a great job and I'm quite chilled. There's a value in that and I know my way is not inferior.
Chill and enjoy YOUR life in YOUR own way OP.

I think you’re being melodramatic but that’s because I’m the same and can see the signs. I don’t think your dc will notice much.
I had an aunt and uncle who didn’t like me but loved my dsis and insisted she stay over a lot.
I can honestly say I felt sorry for my dsis, being the favourite meant she missed out often on our home life which was chaotic but fairly relaxed.

It's like you've already decided that your DA will always be somehow inferior. Do you worry DMIL will favour SIL child on principle? Why will your DS always be behind?

There's more than 3 months variation in age of walking and speech for example. Your child may well walk actually earlier than DN (so Jan Vs Mar) or chronologically earlier (12 months Vs 13), teeth it's less likely to be actually early but you just laugh and say "well he IS younger) or similar.
Potty training, throwing a ball, they may well do them at the same of different times but again their why do you think your child will always be slower? Will DSil try and force things like potty training earlier just to win?

I'm not saying you'd be ok if she was comparing favourably but it's like you've already decided the outcome.

I have a stock response for people like this and it usually makes it clear that I think they are being comparey assholes.

'Have a medal'.

I guess just try to see the positives and brush off the negatives. Its really lovely that the cousins will be so close in age, and geographically close - they can play together as they grow up. A lot of people never get that.

Yes you'll get some stupid "compare-y" comments: just be firm in your own mind that it's not a competition, and develop some gentle one-line responses "ah, it's not a race", "they're both individuals". I think if you feel secure in your own mind, these things won't hit so hard.

The way to deal with this is to limit information.

You need to perfect vague answers to their questions OP.

@AwaAnBileYerHeid

Would they be doing it in a mean way though or would it just be a case of 'oh, other DGC did this yesterday,' in an excited way? If they are doing it in a mean, goady way then every time they do it, reply with 'well other grandparents did this for DC yesterday, aren't they fab!' Compare your parents to them as grandparents, see how they like comparisons.

Haha I like that Only as a trump card if they go too far!