To think we’ll constantly be compared now (SIL)

[Hattieintheskywithdiamonds]

Basically SIL has given birth to a DS yesterday, I’m super pleased for her. We didn’t know what she was having.

But in my pregnant, sleep deprived, lockdown, hormonal mess state I’m feeling a bit meh!
We are due a DS in 3 months. I have this sinking feeling they will constantly be compared (especially by MIL).

DH’s family are very ‘compary’ with siblings close in age and competitive. They are thick skinned so not bothered by this attitude. I’m sensitive and take stuff to heart. My family are the ‘every person is unique’ type so I’m not used to it.

I can just see it becoming a constant ‘well X was walking by 10 months and had 7 teeth by now’ kinda thing. As they get older DS will likely always be ‘just behind’ his cousin and beaten to everything.

Sounds silly but already her labour is being compared to mine with toddler DD. She was 2 weeks overdue and I was repeatedly told this as though that meant I had no clue what heavily pregnant meant!
Also heard repeatedly yesterday how she was refusing all pain management despite not having slept in days and being ‘in agony’.
It’s said like it’s something to be really proud of. Made me feel like I’d been a proper drama queen having delivered on time and treated myself to an epidural! I was barely even pregnant apparently

Please tell me IABU I really hope I am. It’s very early and DD is very screamy.

This happens here too

There’s just a few months between my DC and sisters DC and there’s no comparing at all

But with MIL and SIL my DC are compared with SIL’s DC all the time

Even during lockdown when SIL isn’t seeing my DC she is comparing them and will text me to ask if DC is crawlinh yet and then explains how her DC was walking by now

I think if you're the kind of thoughtful person who notices this it can be very hard.
I put up with this for years.
It ground me down.
MiL: "How was your week PicaK?"
Me "Ooh its been busy I've done x...."
MIL Cutting in "Well SIL is always busy on the ward"
Then she complained I never told her what I was doing.
Thankfully she's exMiL now and I don't have to put up with that shit.
But. I should have maybe called her on it.
"MIL why did you ask me if you're not going to listen to the answer"
"Is there a reason why you are comparing my son to SIL's children?"
You'd be braver than me tho.

As PP's have already said it is you who needs to learn to not care about comparisons. Every child will develop at different rates.

I have a very close friend who has 2 DS. First was born the day before my DS 1 and 2nd was born 2 months before my DS2. I deliberately didn't send them to the same nursery and would have preferred to send them to different primary's. However the eldest 2 ended up in the same class and were never ever good friends due to constant comparisons by his Mum which made her son jealous of mine. She meant well and was trying to do the best for her sons but is very ambitious for them and every time there was a "score" to report her first question was so what did Y get? I try to avoid any comparison as am much more relaxed I have a much older DD and have "been through it all before" .

We had some tricky moments as friends as the boys have had full on fights at times but we have managed to maintain a good friendship as I just didn't get wound up about the comparisons. The boys are now 15 and at different secondaries. Direct comparisons can't be made as the schools use different grading systems and the boys have a different mix of subjects - they are now best of friends and doing their daily walks together.

Funnily enough the DS'2s are not compared anywhere near as much and were good friends in primary.

The reason I mention this is that caring about comparisons is not healthy for you or your child. You can't stop it happening and it can be a natural reaction for a first born. You have the advantage of having an older child and experience so try to just let it wash over you.

I understand OP. My DS is 6 months younger than his cousin. Cousin is advanced in everything, spoke very well at 2 and can tell you all sorts of facts off the top of their head. A very intelligent child.
DS is perfectly normal and on track, but he's seen as being 'behind', when he's not, because he's not as vocal, extroverted and full of facts. However DS is very kind, caring, introverted and loves to read and will sit playing for a long time. They're already as different as chalk and cheese.
DHs family have a culture of comparison and it still affects DHs self esteem.
I like to use:

• he'll get there in his own time
• they're very different children
• emphasise their different strengths.

This sounds really annoying.

I haven’t even had my baby yet, but according to MIL my bump is “so small you can’t even tell I’m pregnant”, whereas “poor SIL was huge!”

Don’t let it wind you up, just ignore.

3 months seems like a lot with a baby but will be absolutely nothing after they're toddlers. So their baby will do some stuff first and yours will do other stuff first.

I'd just let it go unless it really bothers you at the time and then say you're not sure its good for the babies to be constantly compared as you want them to be friends rather than see each other as competition

Also heard repeatedly yesterday how she was refusing all pain management despite not having slept in days and being ‘in agony

I think “Why the fuck not? What is she trying to prove” would have been an appropriate response.

Learn a few replies like “Bully for them” and “So what” Even “Why the comparison. Everyone’s different” or turn it back on MIL. Find someone who is her age in the media and ask her why she isn’t an Oscar winning actress. After all she is only 2 weeks younger/older than this person.
I do think an occasional “Bugger off” is also an appropriate response

Oh I had all of this with MIL re SIL1. DS is 18 months older. SIL1 had no pain relief, dripping milk into her DS, etc and after several mc's I eventually had dd. Turned a bit when they visited and SIL's child had no boundaries and at 3 his mother watched him throw stones and plants from next to slides onto swimmers at Centre Parks and did nothing to admonish or discourage. MIL piped down a bit after that until SIL got pg with twins and had an easy at term Labour and bf them until they were 1. Then there were comments about how relieved she was that SIL could perform and what a natural mother she was.

They are all over 20 now. MIL is the baggiest kid bragger ever "all my children went to RG uni's" and all DH's cousins literally had O'Levels and A'Levels chalked up on a board to the chagrin of her brothers and sisters and I have been told a million times I am so lucky to be so practical. I have heard nothing about the other gc's educational achievements - Nada zero zilch so I draw my own conclusions. Ours are both at Cambridge very occasionally I may have said "parenting seems to be about more than the perfect birth and bf". Thankfully SIL lives on the other side of the world

I wonder is MIL just making conversation? Maybe it doesn't come from a bad place or are you always given the negative.... there is a difference.

Are you competitive or sensitive? I find it hard to tell from reading your posts

Try and look at the positives, your little boy has a ready made friend and they can grow up together. Why worry about things like teething, one of mine got teeth very late (I was starting to wonder if he wasn't going to get any) but if anyone commented I'd say they are going to have to last years so the later the better, walking? Well the more primitive animals walk early so obviously if you have a late walker it is because they are the intellectual type. Smile and move on.

She's probably doing the same thing to your SIL and driving her crackers too.

You need to try and stop comparing your DC to anyone else's. They're unique. Where does it stop? Comparing spelling test results, GCSE's, hobbies, scout badges?! You'll will drive yourself mad. Enjoy what you have, accept them for who they are.

My MIL is like this and honestly it’s really crappy. I suggest (should have done this myself!) straight out telling PIL you don’t want to compare them and please do not do it. If they are unthinking but not unkind they will listen when you are absolutely straightforward. I just get upset in private which probably isn’t that helpful

I doubt it they'll be pals.
Is this SIL first?
As it is your third they might be more excited for SIL.
Do they make comparisons between your other 2?

I can see where you’re coming from and in your shoes I’d probably feel a bit the same.
But to give a little perspective. My sister is due her second in 10 days time and we haven’t been able to have kids. I would give anything to have a child that could be compared to her children, it breaks my heart. My comparison is no child at all to her two children.
Good luck with it all and I’m sure as others have said it will be fine. They are their own person and it will be nice to have a cousin the same age. X

Only two words. "Terrible" when they're telling you something unpleasant and "Marvellous" when they're telling you something positive about SIL. I watched my dad deploy this strategy with his own toxic mother for decades. He saw her as little as possible and it kept him and all of us sane. Sometimes he got them the wrong way round but she didn't notice. Self absorbed people rarely do. Concentrate entirely on your own family.

@EllyNC

Learn to write fuck you with your tongue on the roof of your mouth, whilst smiling sweetly. Best advice I ever heard haha!!! No point worrying about it now OP, some people love to compare babies regardless, but babies aren’t comparable and so all you can do is ignore the idiots!

Wow, that's my favorite advice now too!

It does sound like you might be the one comparing. Hard to know for sure from your examples but MIL could have just been making conversation.
Even if they are competitive like this, I think you'll just need to toughen up and reply with a breezy "that's great!"

Ignore it. They don’t mean any harm (and if they do then you ignoring won’t give them any satisfaction).

Maybe them having a boy is a blessing as they are more likely to develop at a similar rate. I have a toddler DD who is streets ahead in her communication from most of the boys her age. I understand this is typical for girls and will even out.

Make yourself a bingo card of all their comparisons, either a mental one or a real one , then award yourself a big bar of chocolate when you win.

I don't have this with family but do with some acquaintances. I've stopped talking about my own child to them and reply with "Oh how lovely!" when they tell me that Jack is already sitting/walking/writing/whatever. It's just easier.

@Marylou2

Only two words. "Terrible" when they're telling you something unpleasant and "Marvellous" when they're telling you something positive about SIL. I watched my dad deploy this strategy with his own toxic mother for decades. He saw her as little as possible and it kept him and all of us sane. Sometimes he got them the wrong way round but she didn't notice. Self absorbed people rarely do. Concentrate entirely on your own family.

This.

See less of them if they keep making such offensive comments.

They are not your family - they are your DHs family. It’s his job to deal with them. You wouldn’t put up with such comments from friends.

I like the ‘terrible’ and ‘marvellous’ for when she says something just about sils baby, with the odd indeed or isn’t that interesting, but if she compares directly you say,
-yes well they are babies not Tupperware .
-If I wanted pick and mix I’d have bought pick and mix.

When mil made it clear who the Favourites were I backed away from any relationship and took my dc with me. No way were they being exposed to that crap.
She paid no interest once sil had The Chosen One...

I have 2 cousins the same age to me and sorry to say we were compared constantly for most of our childhoods, less so as teenagers.