To think we’ll constantly be compared now (SIL)

[Hattieintheskywithdiamonds]

Basically SIL has given birth to a DS yesterday, I’m super pleased for her. We didn’t know what she was having.

But in my pregnant, sleep deprived, lockdown, hormonal mess state I’m feeling a bit meh!
We are due a DS in 3 months. I have this sinking feeling they will constantly be compared (especially by MIL).

DH’s family are very ‘compary’ with siblings close in age and competitive. They are thick skinned so not bothered by this attitude. I’m sensitive and take stuff to heart. My family are the ‘every person is unique’ type so I’m not used to it.

I can just see it becoming a constant ‘well X was walking by 10 months and had 7 teeth by now’ kinda thing. As they get older DS will likely always be ‘just behind’ his cousin and beaten to everything.

Sounds silly but already her labour is being compared to mine with toddler DD. She was 2 weeks overdue and I was repeatedly told this as though that meant I had no clue what heavily pregnant meant!
Also heard repeatedly yesterday how she was refusing all pain management despite not having slept in days and being ‘in agony’.
It’s said like it’s something to be really proud of. Made me feel like I’d been a proper drama queen having delivered on time and treated myself to an epidural! I was barely even pregnant apparently

Please tell me IABU I really hope I am. It’s very early and DD is very screamy.

My advice to you here is to take very good notice of who does the comparing. Is it ever SIL, or is it all MIL talking about SIL? Try if you can not to resent SIL if she's not the one doing it. My MIL does this with our kids - my SIL's youngest is about 3 months younger than my twin girls - and I have the feeling my SIL reacts to it because she became really unfriendly right after we had the kids. (Or maybe she just doesn't like me I don't know!)

I’m sorry it’s causing you stress ... my only thought was how lovely for your boy to have a cousin so close in age, they could be such great friends.

But was anyone except you actually comparing the labours? Did they say 'SIL was two weeks overdue and had no pain relief' or did they say 'SIL was two weeks overdue and had no pain relief NOT LIKE HATTIE'? I think it's unlikely that they remember and focus on the details of your labour several years ago to the extent that you're imagining.

It's a really lovely thing to have cousins so close in age - my DS is nine months younger than his cousin and so will my DS2 (due in a couple of weeks) be a few months younger than my niece, and it's such a nice thing to see the relationship grow. Just be really firm that 'they all do things at their own pace' and learn to shrug it off since it sounds like this is really just coming from one person, your MIL, and you don't want to let it ruin that potentially lovely relationship.

@EllyNC 🤣 thankyou for that! am most definitely using that in the future !

I know exactly what you mean. In my experience it's not malicious, it's just their clumsy way of making conversation. The people I know who do this have very little going on in their lives, and aren't exactly the sort you're going to get a nuanced debate out of, so this is simply how they discuss the children. I don't like it either though, so I totally get you.

Some phrases which might help

"Well, they're just their own little person, aren't they"
"Wouldn't it be a boring world if we were all the same"

@Hattieintheskywithdiamonds

I wouldn’t have chosen to have kids so close for exactly this reason but SIL announced her pregnancy a week or two after we’d made DS so what can you do huh.

Obviously I’m thrilled for them. I think it’s more a long-standing gripe with DH’s families mentality. I don’t think it’s healthy personally and I don’t intend to engage in it. I do find it regularly inflicted on me though. ‘Oh you’re off work with a bad cold? Well SIL actually died last year and still didn’t take a single day off’

MIL used to try and compare our DD to literally every other baby she knew of but that was easier to stamp out as non were close to us and I was firm!

Sorry op i laughed at this. I have friends with similar aged child to one of mine and they're very competitive, they pretend not to be but it's exhausting if it's your family I would think.

My sister’s inlaws are exactly like this. Things got worse after grandkids. She slowly distanced herself and completely cut them off when it became too much.

Your DH should be handling this politely with them first. I’m not saying you should cut them off or anything, if it starts to affect you like it affected my sister, you have a choice.

You might think that and I thought the same when my cousin was preg the same time as me and my aunt (her mum) was very compare-y too. Did not end up being an issue cos 1. I wasn't bothered and too wrapped up in my dd and 2. My daughter ended up doing most things better anyway. There wasn't a lot to compare.

I had my DS three months after SIL had her DD. They always get compared. It’s the closeness in age, rather than them both being a boy or girl. I just nod and smile and quickly change the subject. You have to try and not let it get to you and just focus on your little one.

Yep. You ABVU. And overthinking. And paranoid.

My Dh's family are like this. I've learnt they actually love everyone equally but everything is a competition. They even have a table of the order in which grandchildren and grand nieces and nephews walked and said first words. To be honest I have had to develop a thicker skin and also realise it is just their (weird) way - they do love my children as much.

Every time they do it make a massive eye roll and say..

"Comparison is the thief of joy".

Repeat, repeat, repeat....till they stop.

My SIL had a DD 3.5 months before my DD. I was also worried we’d get a lot of this from MIL. Initially there was a lot of chat about how well SIL’s slept, which was horrendous when we were struggling with lack of sleep, but luckily, my DD has been the first to wave, crawl and walk, and funnily enough the comparisons petered out after that

It might not be as bad as you’re expecting and if you don’t rise to it then hopefully she’ll just lose interest quite quickly.

Something akin to grey rock will help.

Oh that's nice he was tap dancing at 6 months.
Oh that's nice he was born with a full set of teeth.

You get the message, give away nothing. Be uninterested in all the competitive stuff if it arrises.

How much time do you spend with him?
Are they nice other than this annoying trait?

YANBU but you are going to have to learn to ignore it.
It seems likely that you are also going to have to put up with your SIL's child being favoured over yours, especially if she's your MIL's daughter - we've seen enough threads on here to know that happens quite a lot, where the daughter's children are given preference over the DIL's children.

You have to develop personal "armour" to be able to bat this shit away as soon as it starts.
Nod, smile, "that's nice" and move on.
You KNOW it's all bollocks, you KNOW that there is something deeply insecure in them that they feel the need to do this (there is) - so just let them get on with it, ignore it as much as you can and if the favouritism manifests itself too obviously, keep your DC's visits to them to a minimum so that they don't start to notice.

Just agree with them. If they say something just say ‘oh yes, my baby really is very average.’ Or ‘yes, I am a wimp’. ‘Yes, baby is a late walker’. I bet they’ll stop.

My MIL tries to do this with DD1 (age 10) and her grandson from SIL (age 6). It’s completely ridiculous and makes us laugh! They are in no way comparable. We don’t live anywhere near them and SIL lives in another country (and she does not encourage the comparisons!).

MIL doesn’t try and compare her grandson with our DD2 (who is also 6) just our older DD which makes it even more ridiculous. 🤷‍♀️

For someone who believes everyone is an individual, you don’t seem to know that applies to you SIL as well. She’s entitled to be different from you. All people are doing is describing her experience. It’s different from yours. But you think that is wrong.

Sounds to me like you allow difference but only on your own terms and never to exceed your expectations. And you have fixated on another woman as being the wrong doer here. That’s a bit telling.

No woman gets a medal for going without pain relief.

Also, if I've read your OP correctly, your son isn't even born and you think he will be 'behind' his cousin? It sounds like you're expecting him to fail before he's even taken his first breath!

The timing makes no difference. If they were a couple of years apart they’d still be compared.

I put YABU as I think you just need to grow a thicker skin and, if their comments bother you, try to step back from them and let DH deal with his family.

I have an aunt that did this, my DM just doesn't really care about other people's DC development and my other aunts were always aware it was a marathon not a sprint.
My aunt stopped when we reached early adulthood and her DC were the only ones of the cousins not go to Uni.
I get on really well with her DC by the way and I think that is because my DM just laughed about the comparisons.
Try to make it a joke in your own home, it will help you and your DC if you see the ridiculousness in comparing crawling rates, or height or anything else which it just makes no sense to compare!
Obviously your DC will be oblivious as babies but when they're older it's better that they just think it's a silly thing MIL does than actually worry that their cousin got 10/10 in a spelling test and they didn't or whatever.

I know what you mean. DHs family take immense pride in their almost unbearable competitiveness. There is only one grandchild who is obviously loved but also is the greatest at everything he does. He is also an older child so rose tinted spectacles and all that. I'm expecting to be constantly told how much better he was than my child, especially if ours is a boy. I'll get enough shit chatted since I dont intend to force stereotypes.
You just need a thick skin and reply with things like "ah well, its not a race/competition."