To think we’ll constantly be compared now (SIL)

[Hattieintheskywithdiamonds]

Basically SIL has given birth to a DS yesterday, I’m super pleased for her. We didn’t know what she was having.

But in my pregnant, sleep deprived, lockdown, hormonal mess state I’m feeling a bit meh!
We are due a DS in 3 months. I have this sinking feeling they will constantly be compared (especially by MIL).

DH’s family are very ‘compary’ with siblings close in age and competitive. They are thick skinned so not bothered by this attitude. I’m sensitive and take stuff to heart. My family are the ‘every person is unique’ type so I’m not used to it.

I can just see it becoming a constant ‘well X was walking by 10 months and had 7 teeth by now’ kinda thing. As they get older DS will likely always be ‘just behind’ his cousin and beaten to everything.

Sounds silly but already her labour is being compared to mine with toddler DD. She was 2 weeks overdue and I was repeatedly told this as though that meant I had no clue what heavily pregnant meant!
Also heard repeatedly yesterday how she was refusing all pain management despite not having slept in days and being ‘in agony’.
It’s said like it’s something to be really proud of. Made me feel like I’d been a proper drama queen having delivered on time and treated myself to an epidural! I was barely even pregnant apparently

Please tell me IABU I really hope I am. It’s very early and DD is very screamy.

@EllyNC brilliant advice!

I agree with those who say you have to be a little bit teflon and not let these things get to you. But at the same time the two little cousins will eventually become aware of the competition between them and one or both may well be affected by it. So when it starts, it may be worth saying "Can we not compare the babies to each other please? They are individuals, and being held to the arbitrary standard of another child's development is not going to be healthy for them. And also it makes me feel anxious and inadequate." (Which may or may not be true, but will hopefully motivate them if they aren't malicious.)

I hate the smug competitiveness around not opting for pain relief in childbirth. My view is - you safely extrude a baby, you win. End of story. The purpose of labour isn't to prove your worth as a mother by impressing people (who?) with your toughness. It's to safely move the baby from the inside to the outside of your body. It's a pretty fraught and chaotic event already, without loading it with bunch of competitive identity crap as well.

It sounds like your in laws are insensitive people and no matter what you do they will not tone down their words or actions as they are thick skinned and most probably tell you that you are the one with the issue. They behave like this because they have always got away with it. Can your other half speak to them and ask them not to be so insensitive towards you? You are not being unreasonable!

You're jumping the gun a bit!

@Bagamoyo1

There’s that saying - “comparison is the thief of joy” - just say that every single time. Then change the subject.

Agreed - to be charitable to her she maybe isn't conscious that she's doing it, or that some people would be hurt by it. By tactfully pointing out she's making comparisons with a comment like that she may get sick of you saying it as much as your sick of hearing them!

@Hattieintheskywithdiamonds ‘Oh you’re off work with a bad cold? Well SIL actually died last year and still didn’t take a single day off’ omigosh cryyyiinnngg seriously though, while I believe YANBU, don't beat yourself up for feeling so upset. You're pregnant. I cried when the (very tiny) mama spider in my bedroom died, having guarded her eggs and I'd misted her with a little water daily, when I was last pregnant, and the trigger-sensitive tears continued for at least a year after DS was born. Add lockdown stress and sleep deprivation and it's no wonder you're tearful. I can't offer you any advice that won't clash horribly with your gentle soul - I'm an in-your-face fuck-you AND everyone's-unique person - but it will get better eventually. Try and remember sometimes that nobody can MAKE you feel anything... if you don't let them.
Much love, chica, and good luck. Don't ever stop being lovely!