To think we’ll constantly be compared now (SIL)

[Hattieintheskywithdiamonds]

Basically SIL has given birth to a DS yesterday, I’m super pleased for her. We didn’t know what she was having.

But in my pregnant, sleep deprived, lockdown, hormonal mess state I’m feeling a bit meh!
We are due a DS in 3 months. I have this sinking feeling they will constantly be compared (especially by MIL).

DH’s family are very ‘compary’ with siblings close in age and competitive. They are thick skinned so not bothered by this attitude. I’m sensitive and take stuff to heart. My family are the ‘every person is unique’ type so I’m not used to it.

I can just see it becoming a constant ‘well X was walking by 10 months and had 7 teeth by now’ kinda thing. As they get older DS will likely always be ‘just behind’ his cousin and beaten to everything.

Sounds silly but already her labour is being compared to mine with toddler DD. She was 2 weeks overdue and I was repeatedly told this as though that meant I had no clue what heavily pregnant meant!
Also heard repeatedly yesterday how she was refusing all pain management despite not having slept in days and being ‘in agony’.
It’s said like it’s something to be really proud of. Made me feel like I’d been a proper drama queen having delivered on time and treated myself to an epidural! I was barely even pregnant apparently

Please tell me IABU I really hope I am. It’s very early and DD is very screamy.

Most of this sounds like it's in your head. Of course they were talking about her labour yesterday - it was still happening - why would you still be expecting a medal for yours from a couple of years ago!

Or practice silly retorts

My 4th car is a Porsche

Our cat has 14 nipples, think of all the kittens

But yes, mainly reduce all information and pretend you didn't hear any of it. Thicken your skin!

I love that saying about pain relief - it's not like you get a better baby!

Swim against the tide OP and enjoy riding those waves :) I'd rather have your attitude any day.

@katy1213

Most of this sounds like it's in your head. Of course they were talking about her labour yesterday - it was still happening - why would you still be expecting a medal for yours from a couple of years ago!

This! It's actually really self-absorbed to assume that discussing her labour was primarily a criticism of yours. And I still don't see why it's fair game to attack her choices in labour, as so many have suggested - again, she's done nothing works but also I don't know why it's utterly forbidden to criticise anyone's labour unless they're really set on not having pain relief in which case it's alright to call them an idiot who must want a medal?

*nothing wrong, not nothing works!

My SIL had a baby 3 months before me. Guess what it turned out fine! Because my baby was LOADS better than hers, in every possible way. (Well, in my opinion anyway)

treated myself to an epidural

This made me laugh.

Women.

I remember this happening in our family.
And the way to win is you agree .
SIL had no meds...
You answer . Yes she said that .
DGS walked at 11 months.
Your answer, Yes he did we saw him.
What age did your DS walk.
Your answer, He walked when he was ready,,

Why do some people think its good or brave to have no pain relief during labour, ?

@isadoradancing123

Why do some people think its good or brave to have no pain relief during labour, ?

I was told by an anaesthetist colleague that we wouldn’t have a tooth removed without pain relief why go through hours of labour just to say I did it without analgesia. I had a lovely epidural on their advice. A man would have pain relief.

I went with the 'Ah lovely that your other dgs is doing everything like clockwork and on time, you'll know just when to expect everything. Our dd is definitely a trailblazer and a bit more unique in her ways- life is so exciting to see what she learns next!'
Then mil told me my dd looks nothing like me and actually looked exactly like her daughter- adding that she must have good genes! honestly we just laugh and nod know and my look a like dd is perfect just as she is as is her lovely cousin!

It’s rubbish and boring but I think this is life especially when they’re small 😕

I don't believe in comparing childrens' skillsets or milestones etc. It can make them insecure. If my in laws had a different mindset like this, I would severely limit the time my children spent around them. No one likes to be compared to someone else. It really does horrible things for the kids' self esteem. As their mum you can protect them for this by shielding them from this attitude/these people. IF it happens (and it seems you have reason to believe it will based on history), I would talk to in laws ONCE and say you do not want your children compared to any others and you won't tolerate it. If it happens again, they are boundary stompers or at the very best have a completely different view of what is okay for children than you do, and you should limit contact with them and focus on your own immediate family and in providing your children the best environment possible for their growth and happiness. Best wishes and congrats.

@Greenknees

Ignore it. They don’t mean any harm (and if they do then you ignoring won’t give them any satisfaction).

Maybe them having a boy is a blessing as they are more likely to develop at a similar rate. I have a toddler DD who is streets ahead in her communication from most of the boys her age. I understand this is typical for girls and will even out.

But this post is making exactly the mistake that op is complaining about. Which is the point. People behave this way unconsciously. Most mothers secretly compete. Just assess whether this is a toxic dynamic that you and partner should avoid, or something to brush off. Some in-laws who do this, stop after the early years and become quite fun. I avoided mine in the early years but regrouped later for that exact reason. The most important thing IMO is not to criticise inlaws direct to the children (unless child abuse is involved) because you then impact on their identity and their own relationships with family.

It’s said like it’s something to be really proud of. Made me feel like I’d been a proper drama queen having delivered on time and treated myself to an epidural! I was barely even pregnant apparently
Treated yourself to an epidural FFS I had 2 unmedicated natural births, and I would say it wasn't that bad so do I get the Brave Mummy Soldier Medal of Honour? FFS. Every birth is different, every mum is different, if you came through and delivered a baby by whatever means it took then you succeeded and you should be proud. They sound like a family of twats OP. Laugh at them, poke fun at how utterly ridiculous they are instead of letting them upset you. And congratulations

@Whatwouldyourmamado

Just repeat... every baby is different...I've never seen a fully grown man crawl into work, in a nappy drinking his puree food.

My mil and mother tried to compare a few times... I shut that shit down.

I compare my 2 girls but only in that it shows how different they are and how kids do stuff at their own pace.

Also if DS is your 2nd then the 2nd more often does stuff quicker cause they learn from their older sibling... whereas the first is reliant on the parent teachings and when they get to see other kids.

Wow, that is mean! I would never allow people who treated my child like that to be around her. It could do serious damage to her self esteem!

@ThumbWitchesAbroad

YANBU but you are going to have to learn to ignore it. It seems likely that you are also going to have to put up with your SIL's child being favoured over yours, especially if she's your MIL's daughter - we've seen enough threads on here to know that happens quite a lot, where the daughter's children are given preference over the DIL's children.

You have to develop personal "armour" to be able to bat this shit away as soon as it starts.
Nod, smile, "that's nice" and move on.
You KNOW it's all bollocks, you KNOW that there is something deeply insecure in them that they feel the need to do this (there is) - so just let them get on with it, ignore it as much as you can and if the favouritism manifests itself too obviously, keep your DC's visits to them to a minimum so that they don't start to notice.

Favouritism is harmful to children. She does NOT have to put up with it or build herself armour. What about her child? Her job as a mother is to protect her child, including from people who play favourites against her. She does not HAVE to be around her mother in law or let her mother in law be around her baby if she is going to play favourites. I would nip that in the bud real quick and if she couldn't stop, I would never let my child around her. That is damaging and we should teach our children to stand up for themselves and not to put up with people who abuse them (playing favourites is mental abuse). We should not teach them to just toughen up and take it because faaaaaaamily.

This is something you need to train yourself out of rising to, but also do tell your DH to have your back. Explain how it bothers you, even if it doesn't him, and that you would like him to help shut down any conversations of this kind if they get out of hand.

You know nothing about how SIL's life will turn out. If you go quietly on with yours and delight in your DCs then chances are they'll be far better adjusted than hers, who will constantly be in the glare of her judgement.

If you show boredom in this martyr-like boasting then after a while they'll hopefully stop. Or if they try to get a response from you about any aspect of development that they are mock concerned about, just shut them down with a combination of "he's a different child/ he's within normal ranges/ I'm not worried."

You can't control what people say/feel so you need to learn to manage how you react to it. She is only as bad as you let her be.

@Bythemillpond

Also heard repeatedly yesterday how she was refusing all pain management despite not having slept in days and being ‘in agony

I think “Why the fuck not? What is she trying to prove” would have been an appropriate response.

Learn a few replies like “Bully for them” and “So what” Even “Why the comparison. Everyone’s different” or turn it back on MIL. Find someone who is her age in the media and ask her why she isn’t an Oscar winning actress. After all she is only 2 weeks younger/older than this person.
I do think an occasional “Bugger off” is also an appropriate response

I think this would be a mean response. Everyone is entitled to their own choices. She should not criticize her SIL or her SIL's child just because she herself is worried about being criticized.

With the SIL comparisons, I'm not sure if MIL is doing it to be malicious and is favouring SIL or if she is just making a statement about SIL's labour and if it is OP who is insecure and taking it as a comparsion/criticism against her.

I think women who give birth without pain relief are amazing. I think women who give birth with pain relief are amazing. Both are equally great. If MIL is saying it as a put down to OP then that is crappy and OP should stay away from MIL as she's a mean person! But if MIL is simply proud of SIL for following her desire of having a baby without pain relief (a lot of women have this desire, because they want it to be natural) without any comparison or put down to OP then OP should not worry about it and IMO should be happy for her SIL as well. I really hate the Epidural Wars and believe all mums should be accepted and applauded for the choices they make during labour because just getting through it is a huge accomplishment with or without an epi. OP does sound rather focused on herself here instead of happy for her SIL during her SIL's labour BUT I also understand how it could have been said as a put down and how she would feel legitimiately criticized for her own choices. Without more context, it's hard to tell.

And I know she's focused on her own feelings for her own post. But unless SIL is actively encouraging comparisons and criticisms of OP or her kids, I think OP should be happy for SIL during her labour as it's a very special and great experience, rather than letting their MIL ruin it. If that's the case I would nurture the relationship with SIL and not have much at all of one with MIL. If SIL is just as competitive and mean as MIL (if indeed MIL is... it sounds like OP claims she is but from the contexts of what's said it's really hard to know if MIL is just making statements or is comparing, criticizing and playing favourites- which is very wrong and mean) then I would stay far away from both of them.

OP please try to ignore all this, enjoy every minute of the next few weeks and the next stage you are going into. If I've learned anything it's that a. People bend the truth, b. People forget the truth, c. Try to take things with a pinch of salt, d. Try not to waste your energy on worrying about the little things. Your going to have such a brilliant but busy time, let them enjoy their time and you enjoy yours. Family are usually very excited about new arrivals, and rightly so, and most people don't try to be mean. Like someone has said smile and wave. Without looking in baby books I can't remember exact ages of milestones because I don't need to...both dd are gorgeous humanbeings ...I do know dd2 was later walking as she was contented to sit and watch the fun and thats great, she's not at any disadvantage. Let sil have her time and you have yours and don't rise to it all.

Don't worry too much about it. Tbh people always compare, it's just the way of the world. Try to ignore any remarks from family members or indeed from any others. Of course all of our children are different, so there is really no comparison or competition. Just ensure that you teach your child to be an honest kind and respectful soul and the rest will follow. Wishing you all the best - you will be fine x

Comparisons of baby milestones are nonsense. I have twins (non-identical) and their milestones are totally different. It doesn't mean a thing. When my twins were little I also found insensitive in-laws a massive PITA and at times it really knocked my confidence. I have often thought if I am ever a mother-in-law and my son's partner has a baby I will have some level of sensitivity to her and keep ANYTHING that might possibly be construed as judgmental to myself! It's totally normal with a baby to be worrying/self-doubting, hormones are also part of this equation. So I reckon it's good you have identified this early on as a potential problem - I would now focus on building up your own resilience/resistance and simply refuse to let it get to you - just think 'oh there goes another example of weird competitive twattery' - and ignore, ignore, ignore.

Who won the race? The hare or the tortoise? Some children are late developers. That's what I tell my ddil when she worries about my gorgeous dgs.