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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel a bit strung along?

197 replies

Jaffacakelove · 23/01/2021 16:41

Posting here mostly for traffic

Me and DP have been together 5 and a bit years. Have one toddler DS.

Marriage has always been something that is important to me and where I have wanted our relationship to go. DP has always been aware of this - he doesn't feel as strongly about it as I do but does also want to get married at some point.

We've been talking more about marriage recently and it ended up with us having a lovely long chat the other week about how he really wants to marry me, a proposal is on the way. He said we should look at rings (he knows I'm quite fussy and would like to choose my own)

I took all this to mean a proposal is imminent and he is serious about getting married. So as suggested started looking at rings (online only ofc as shops are closed)

There's a shop that I've loved their ring designs for years so I was looking on there and found one that was perfect. I showed DP and he loved it too, everything just felt right. Then he started saying he has some thinking to do. I queried what he meant and he basically said well I need to think about proposing and need to do some saving for the ring. He basically ended up saying that sure he wants to get married but the proposal won't be for at least 1-2 years.

I just can't help but feel really hurt. Like why even have that conversation with me and tell me to look at rings and make me think this is going to happen soon when that obviously isn't the case?

AIBU to feel like I've been strung along abit?

OP posts:
MrsA2017 · 23/01/2021 16:47

He’s had over 5 years to “think”

MrsA2017 · 23/01/2021 16:47

How old are you both OP?

LApprentiSorcier · 23/01/2021 16:48

You don't need a proposal (in the sense of a staged event) or an expensive ring to get married. You just agree to get married and do it.

If you care about a staged proposal and expensive ring, you'll have to wait until he comes up with them.

If you don't, tell him so and say you want to arrange your marriage. If he continues to hedge, it means he's not really committed to marrying you, in which case you have to consider whether you're happy as you are, or whether marriage is a deal breaker.

Original poster
Jaffacakelove · 23/01/2021 16:49

He is early 30s I am late 20s

OP posts:
HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee · 23/01/2021 16:52

He’s not want to get married but knows he can’t say that,he’s stringing you along
Promises of the right time, best venue, when it’s perfect.yadda yadda

Biancadelrioisback · 23/01/2021 16:54

He needed to know which ring you wanted so he could factor in how much he needs to save.

Joinedjustforthispost · 23/01/2021 16:54

It makes me wonder why men mention or have the talk about getting married when they are not ready or have no intention of doing it. Yanbu op considering your dp instigated the long conversation of marriage! If it were me I’d consider that marriage with this man isn’t in my future and consider if you are happy just being boyfriend and girlfriend or if you want marriage look at a future elsewhere .

HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee · 23/01/2021 16:56

Presumably op isn’t wanting J-Lo,sparkler why does it take years to put a ring on it

Joinedjustforthispost · 23/01/2021 16:57

Op I’d just forgot to mention when me and my dh got engaged we didn’t actually have much money or a ring but we were happy with getting a cheap ring from Argos for like £30 ? Then once we booked the church we both got modest priced plain gold bands

mistermagpie · 23/01/2021 16:57

It was unfair of him to suggest looking at rings when he wasn't in a position financially or emotionally to buy one. What was the point?!

As a PP said you don't need a ring to get married but it's not as if he is suggesting that either. Why don't you suggest it? Say you're not bothered about the ring (if what you want is to be married) so why don't you just get married once you can, lockdown-wise. You don't need a big costly hoopla to be married and personally I always think it's a bit of a waste of money when you have a child and could put it to better use.

If he goes for that then great! If he doesn't, then I would be questioning his commitment.

Just as an aside, my first husband took 8 years to propose to me. It became a cause of tension between us and ultimately I realise that I pressured him into it (as did our families/friends). So I totally get how you feel and how it can feel a bit consuming when you feel like you're waiting for someone else to decide what's happening with your life. We split up 18 months after the wedding and although it was me who ended it, if I'm honest I'm not sure he ever really wanted to marry me at all. Not saying this is your situation but I do think that if someone wants to marry you and knows you want that too, then this stuff just never becomes an issue.

Aprilx · 23/01/2021 16:59

He is stringing you along. A “pre-proposal” (i.e. telling you a proposal is on the way) makes no sense to me at all.

Blanca87 · 23/01/2021 17:00

I hope you are not a SAHP and given up your financial independence to look after the toddler? If you have I would get that sorted ASAP. Also don’t have any more kids until you are married. Sorry it does seem like he is stinging you along. 💐

MaelyssQ · 23/01/2021 17:01

My engagement ring was non-existent, my wedding ring was a fiver from a street market in Santorini.

Getting married is more than just a sparkly ring. You can buy your own!! Why wait for him to propose? You've already got a child. Have a small but lovely wedding and get on with the rest of your lives.

Flowers
Porcupineintherough · 23/01/2021 17:07

No offense OP but your ideas about marriage seem really messed up. You dont need to wait for him to propose if you've already talked about it and agreed. You dont need a sparkly expensive ring. You've got a kid, stop playing Cinderella waiting for prince charming, that time has passed.

Notimeforaname · 23/01/2021 17:11

Yes just suggest he buy a cheap ring now. So you can get married sooner?!

Notimeforaname · 23/01/2021 17:11

Rather than stressing and saving for a year or two. Problem solved.

HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee · 23/01/2021 17:13

Weekly on mn it’s the same post,woman passively waiting on a man to propose
She demurely waits,hoping and wishing he’d ask. With the vague hint of wedding wafted at her from him
No commitment about date and he always cites a reason to not proceed, need to save up, get a venue, make it special. Yadda yadda
And still these women wait, desperate to be proposed to but they won’t initiate it. So on it goes, passive waiting and hoping

Only actual reason at the moment to not marry is if your in tier 4

LApprentiSorcier · 23/01/2021 17:14

No need for a ring at all if you'd prefer to save up for an expensive one - nothing wrong in buying one after you are married. If you want something symbolic, get a CZ solitaire in silver from Argos as a temporary ring.

user194729573 · 23/01/2021 17:15

Well, he's told you he doesn't want to marry you, so it's understandable you'd be upset.

Are you going to sit there helplessly? Because this is your life too so I'm not sure why you would hand over all control over such a major decision to him and then sit there wringing your hands helplessly. It's unnecessary.

Either the two of you agree to marry or not. That's the conversation you should be having.

Blackdog19 · 23/01/2021 17:16

He doesn’t want to marry you OP. If it’s important to you, I would move on.

Loopylobes · 23/01/2021 17:17

If you've already agreed to get married, you are engaged and a proposal would be utterly pointless. You have already made a much bigger commitment to each other by having a child together.

If you want a nice ring, just save up yourself and buy one.

It sounds awfully like he doesn't want to get married and hasn't got the balls to be honest with you.

1Morewineplease · 23/01/2021 17:25

He doesn't need time to arrange a proposal.
He either wants to marry you or he doesn't.
You don't need an expensive ring for your proposal or even for your wedding ring.
If rings are too important a matter to you both then I'd be asking questions.
You clearly want to marry him then maybe buy a signet ring ( or similar) and propose to him?
His answer will tell you where you both stand.

Lucieintheskye · 23/01/2021 17:25

Maybe suggest to him that you'll gladly have a cheaper ring if it means you can get married sooner.
Or just accept that he doesn't want to marry you yet.

notanothertakeaway · 23/01/2021 17:29

OP, if he wanted to marry you, I think you would be married by now. Sorry. I know that's hard to hear

So, be the master of your own destiny. Propise to him? Or move on? Or accept the status quo (but keep your own finances up to date)

FinallyHere · 23/01/2021 17:30

Explain that you want to be married to him.

Suggest you book the next spot available to the Register Office, with staff to be witnesses.

Covid perfect excuse, have a party in a year or two to celebrate when people can get together again.

With a toddler, I would not hold out for the big day. Don't let him keep stringing you along by saying you need to save for a 'big day'. Put your money towards a house.

p.s. this advice assumes that your career has taken a hit from having a child and that you are the financially weaker party. If you have more financial assets than he does, ignore all this.