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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel a bit strung along?

197 replies

Jaffacakelove · 23/01/2021 16:41

Posting here mostly for traffic

Me and DP have been together 5 and a bit years. Have one toddler DS.

Marriage has always been something that is important to me and where I have wanted our relationship to go. DP has always been aware of this - he doesn't feel as strongly about it as I do but does also want to get married at some point.

We've been talking more about marriage recently and it ended up with us having a lovely long chat the other week about how he really wants to marry me, a proposal is on the way. He said we should look at rings (he knows I'm quite fussy and would like to choose my own)

I took all this to mean a proposal is imminent and he is serious about getting married. So as suggested started looking at rings (online only ofc as shops are closed)

There's a shop that I've loved their ring designs for years so I was looking on there and found one that was perfect. I showed DP and he loved it too, everything just felt right. Then he started saying he has some thinking to do. I queried what he meant and he basically said well I need to think about proposing and need to do some saving for the ring. He basically ended up saying that sure he wants to get married but the proposal won't be for at least 1-2 years.

I just can't help but feel really hurt. Like why even have that conversation with me and tell me to look at rings and make me think this is going to happen soon when that obviously isn't the case?

AIBU to feel like I've been strung along abit?

OP posts:

BornIn78 · 23/01/2021 17:30

Well he’s just bought himself 1-2 years, hasn’t he. There’s thread after thread with the same tale as you. And they always go the same way.

In 2 years there’ll be some other reason to delay, he hasn’t saved enough, he needs a new car, or holiday or something.

Then after another year or so, when you raise it again, he’ll have been “planning to do it” but you’ll have spoiled his plans or surprise by “going on about it” or nagging, so now you’ll have to wait.

And on and on and on.

pilates · 23/01/2021 17:30

It doesn’t sound like he wants to get married. Do you want a big flashy wedding? I can understand your disappointment.

inquietant · 23/01/2021 17:32

I'd assume he doesn't want to marry at all, sorry.

AStudyinPink · 23/01/2021 17:33

Just tell him a) you’re proposing to him right is and b) you’d (honestly and seriously) rather be married than have a fancy ring and see what he says. If he makes more excuses, he doesn’t really intend to propose anyway. If he turns down your proposal, you’re a free agent.

AStudyinPink · 23/01/2021 17:34

*right now

LApprentiSorcier · 23/01/2021 17:34

@HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee

Weekly on mn it’s the same post,woman passively waiting on a man to propose She demurely waits,hoping and wishing he’d ask. With the vague hint of wedding wafted at her from him No commitment about date and he always cites a reason to not proceed, need to save up, get a venue, make it special. Yadda yadda And still these women wait, desperate to be proposed to but they won’t initiate it. So on it goes, passive waiting and hoping

Only actual reason at the moment to not marry is if your in tier 4

I agree with this. I blame social media. It used to be fine for a formal proposal to involve no more than, say, a candle lit dinner for two, but now it has to be a full on event in some 'unique' venue that takes almost as much planning as the wedding itself.

updownroundandround · 23/01/2021 17:35

Why haven't you simply asked him ?

''We've agreed that we want to get married, so why would you want to wait another year or two ? What are you actually waiting for exactly ??''

If he says '' I'm not ready'' or ''it's too soon'' then you'll need to accept that he's stringing you along and has no intention of marrying you.

If he says '' It will take me 18mths to save enough for your ring'' or ''We need to start saving for the wedding '' (and sets up a joint savings account for it !) then you need to decide whether waiting for these things is important to you or not....................

But whatever you do, stop giving him the control over this ffs !

Take control of your own life

BootsieBarnes · 23/01/2021 17:35

Sounds like he's future faking you OP.

Call his bluff, say you only want a cheap ring and to get married as soon as possible. Suspect he will find another reason to stall this.

If he doesn't want to get married where does that leave you in terms of what you want for the future?

Justgorgeous · 23/01/2021 17:36

You are both very young and he’s not ready. The mistake he made was making you feel like he was.

user1493494961 · 23/01/2021 17:38

I agree with pp, tell him you don't want anything flashy and are happy to book the Register Office as soon as you're able, no need for any saving. His reaction will tell you all you need to know.

AStudyinPink · 23/01/2021 17:39

I honestly think women need to return to the standard of expecting a man to propose. If you’re pregnant and in a serious relationship that you expect to continue indefinitely, you shouldn’t be hanging round waiting for financial security. And before anyone says “Women don’t have to take parental leave”, I know, but I can still count on one hand the men I know who did.

AStudyinPink · 23/01/2021 17:39

You are both very young and he’s not ready. The mistake he made was making you feel like he was.

They’re both around thirty years old. Grown adults with a child. Not teenagers.

Bitcherama · 23/01/2021 17:41

There are so many of these threads!

Can I also bet that your child has his surname and that despite your current relationship set-up, one or both of you is "traditional"?

Nearly six years and a child doesn't give the message that marriage is important. Be blunt with him. Do not suck this up and hope if it isn't what you want. And please god make sure you have a job, because two people who want to get married will actually do it.

miserableannie · 23/01/2021 17:46

I hate people that choose their own rings. Mine is all the more special because my DH chose it for me. It could have been a £20 argos ring for all I cared

BeHappyAndSmile · 23/01/2021 17:48

All of you saying just tell him you don't want a big wedding just a registry office do...what if HE wants a big wedding with friends and family. Why should he give that up just to hurry things along! This does not mean he's stringing you along by any means, it could be an excuse but it could also be that he has a way he wants it to be just as much as a woman can want a big wedding.

MaxRushden · 23/01/2021 17:49

@miserableannie

I hate people that choose their own rings. Mine is all the more special because my DH chose it for me. It could have been a £20 argos ring for all I cared

Crikey!

AStudyinPink · 23/01/2021 17:50

Why should he give that up just to hurry things along!

Because he’s a dad with a partner keen to have security and commitment, and it’s not about him and a party?

TheOneLeggedJockey · 23/01/2021 17:52

I’m sorry OP, but I don’t think any of the responses to this thread are going to make you feel any better.

Men who want to be married get married. Men who don’t, procrastinate.

I am guessing you thought your pregnancy would nudge him along. And you’ve been in the place you’re in now, before. Waiting, hopeful, ultimately disappointed.

And here you are again, only this time, the pregnancy has been and gone, and he’s still not proposing. There’s even less motivation for him now, since the heat has gone out of that situation.

Obviously you can’t go back and change the passage of time, but if marriage is really important to you, you need to make that clear from the outset, and say that for you, it needs to be in place before you start a family - because getting the family under way first removes the need for marriage in the eyes of those who aren’t so keen on it.

All you can really do is talk to him. Explain how important this is to you, and hope that he proposes because he genuinely wants to.

grassisjeweled · 23/01/2021 17:52

Do you own a house together? Rent? Who earns and pays what? Do you work, op?

This is important to evaluate too. If you're a SAHM, you live in the house he owns, and you have no income of your own?

It's pretty clear he doesn't want to marry you

TheOneLeggedJockey · 23/01/2021 17:53

@miserableannie

I hate people that choose their own rings. Mine is all the more special because my DH chose it for me. It could have been a £20 argos ring for all I cared

You hate people who choose their own rings?!

grassisjeweled · 23/01/2021 17:54

18 mths to save for a ring? Put that money towards a house instead. Kids work in diamond mines. Actual children. It's a dirty industry

FinallyHere · 23/01/2021 17:55

what if HE wants a big wedding with friends and family

Well, he's not really going quite the right way about having that, is he? They have been together at least long enough to have a toddler and he's talking about starting to save for a big wedding ?

Doesn't sound like much of a priority to me

LApprentiSorcier · 23/01/2021 17:55

@BeHappyAndSmile

But the OP is saying even the proposal won't happen for 1-2 years, let alone the actual wedding!

If it's the OP's partner who wants a big wedding the best thing the OP can do would be to tell him she's not bothered about an expensive ring (which he's saying he'll have to save for) and then the money he'd have spent on the ring can go into the pot for the wedding.

They get engaged straight away with a cheap ring, or no ring, and then start making definite plans for a wedding.

Anyone who wants a big wedding might struggle to arrange it at the moment, though, because there must be a lot of postponed weddings waiting to happen once restrictions are eased. If marriage is the priority - which it should be - would make more sense to have a small wedding and then a large reception/party at a later date.

NotMeekNotObedient · 23/01/2021 17:57

I'd be blunt...'I dont want to wait 2 years to get married, never mind a proposal. If money is the issue, let's get a cheaper ring and start saving for the wedding itself...I was thinking August next year'

SanFranBear · 23/01/2021 17:57

I still just don't understand why so many women feel they have to wait until HE proposes? If you want to get married, ask him? Offer to go halves on the ring?

Why give him all the power on this - a marriage involves two people so why is it only one of those people get to decide when?

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