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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel a bit strung along?

197 replies

Jaffacakelove · 23/01/2021 16:41

Posting here mostly for traffic

Me and DP have been together 5 and a bit years. Have one toddler DS.

Marriage has always been something that is important to me and where I have wanted our relationship to go. DP has always been aware of this - he doesn't feel as strongly about it as I do but does also want to get married at some point.

We've been talking more about marriage recently and it ended up with us having a lovely long chat the other week about how he really wants to marry me, a proposal is on the way. He said we should look at rings (he knows I'm quite fussy and would like to choose my own)

I took all this to mean a proposal is imminent and he is serious about getting married. So as suggested started looking at rings (online only ofc as shops are closed)

There's a shop that I've loved their ring designs for years so I was looking on there and found one that was perfect. I showed DP and he loved it too, everything just felt right. Then he started saying he has some thinking to do. I queried what he meant and he basically said well I need to think about proposing and need to do some saving for the ring. He basically ended up saying that sure he wants to get married but the proposal won't be for at least 1-2 years.

I just can't help but feel really hurt. Like why even have that conversation with me and tell me to look at rings and make me think this is going to happen soon when that obviously isn't the case?

AIBU to feel like I've been strung along abit?

OP posts:

AStudyinPink · 23/01/2021 18:16

BeHappyAndSmile

Nothing to be bitter about. Happily married, joint finances.

Backtoschool101 · 23/01/2021 18:18

Imo also reading your update. If you are going to be the higher earner and he isn't that enthusiastic it might serve you well to not marry....

billy1966 · 23/01/2021 18:19

@BornIn78

Well he’s just bought himself 1-2 years, hasn’t he. There’s thread after thread with the same tale as you. And they always go the same way.

In 2 years there’ll be some other reason to delay, he hasn’t saved enough, he needs a new car, or holiday or something.

Then after another year or so, when you raise it again, he’ll have been “planning to do it” but you’ll have spoiled his plans or surprise by “going on about it” or nagging, so now you’ll have to wait.

And on and on and on.

This.

......... then poster's end up with 3 children and somehow it was easier (for him) if she gave up her job and wasn't on the deeds, so when the penny FINALLY drops, she has three children, no money, no rights, no career.

Because he never really had a notion of marrying, certainly NOT after she was prepared to have a baby WITHOUT getting married.

I wish women would learn the basic math of relationships.
It takes no time to get married in a registry office if it really is important ......BUT do NOT have a child BEFORE you get married if it is important to you.

It really isn't in your best interests...

Fine if you dont care about marriage and own your own home ...but then do NOT give up your job and have full agreement about sharing costs, ........even though it means nothing if he refuses to contribute .....as happens on MN so often.

The truth is that having children makes ONLY women very vulnerable.

For a lot of men getting married is a big commitment, children not so much🤷🏻‍♀️.

I really don't understand it, because for having a child with a man was a far greater commitment than getting married......not that I would have dreamt of doing it before .....for the reason below.

If a man is even slightly skittish about getting married, why would any woman have a child with him??

OP, so sorry that he has done this.

Believe his actions NOT his words.

If he is not prepared to ditch the whole ring delay and get married quickly, then you really have your answer.

For goodness sake don't have more children with him and protect yourself financially.

Any man that would string you along is really NO PRIZE.

harknesswitch · 23/01/2021 18:23

He's trying to put you in a holding pen. Say he'll propose but will never do it. Then he'll do it when you push him into a corner and he'll try again with the 'I want a long engagement' to try and avoid the wedding.

Op if he wanted to marry you, he'd have asked by now. End of story

Nousernameforme · 23/01/2021 18:25

Is the ring actually affordable at the moment?

user1471538283 · 23/01/2021 18:25

I would tell him flatly that the wedding is on (choose a date) or we split up. Its cruel all this future faking. You dont need an engagement ring or a big wedding. What you need is security and he should recognise that

LizFlowers · 23/01/2021 18:25

He's being ridiculous. If he wanted to marry he'd be going full steam ahead, booking the registrar or church or whatever as soon as available and saying things like, "We can have a 'do' when we're out of lockdown.

if he can't afford the engagement ring you particularly like, you could choose another one or a temporary one - in any case an engagement is not just the ring, it's the intention.

In your place I'd want to know his objections as you are already living together.

harknesswitch · 23/01/2021 18:27

*then poster's end up with 3 children and somehow it was easier (for him) if she gave up her job and wasn't on the deeds, so when the penny FINALLY drops, she has three children, no money, no rights, no career.

Because he never really had a notion of marrying, certainly NOT after she was prepared to have a baby WITHOUT getting married.

I think it's fine to have dc without getting married but you need to have your head screwed on financially. Get on the deeds of the house, don't give up work, if you want to give up work ensure your dp pays into a pension for you, and you have equal savings.

So many women 'trust' that the man won't screw them over, or are too scared to rock the boat by asking for what's right.

LuaDipa · 23/01/2021 18:29

@miserableannie

I hate people that choose their own rings. Mine is all the more special because my DH chose it for me. It could have been a £20 argos ring for all I cared

I’m one of those people. Married nearly 20 years and my ring is all the more special to me because my dh valued me enough to want me to be able to wear something I truly loved. The day we chose my ring is one of my favourite memories. I can’t see why that would inspire hatred in anyone tbh.

Op, just tell him how much it means to you and that you don’t want to wait. His answer will tell you everything you need to know.

TedMullins · 23/01/2021 18:30

@user1471538283

This. Tell him not to worry about the proposal. you’ll see when the register office next has a slot, book it and you can do the big party when covid has eased off. His reaction to this will tell you everything.

Ntwa · 23/01/2021 18:32

@bornin78 you've hit the nail on the head

In 2 years there’ll be some other reason to delay, he hasn’t saved enough, he needs a new car, or holiday or something.

OP my dp who hasn't messaged me for 2 weeks due to thinking I'm irrational told me we would look at moving in together.. Yeah I'm 4yrs down the line having had enough..

emilyfrost · 23/01/2021 18:36

YABU. It was very silly of you to have a child without the protection of marriage.

The time for fairytale proposals and weddings has gone now goi have a child; you just need to get it with it. Tell him to forget needing to save and you’ll just go down to the registry office.

If he still says no and tries to stall you’ll know he’s not interested in marriage.

BeHappyAndSmile · 23/01/2021 18:37

@AStudyinPink

BeHappyAndSmile

Nothing to be bitter about. Happily married, joint finances.

Well good for you. Although given you described an unmarried man as having "freedom" I'd question the happily part. Also you can be unmarried and have joint finances yes? I know we certainly do.

AStudyinPink · 23/01/2021 18:39

BeHappyAndSmile

Question what you like. I’m not the one asking for advice.

FitzsimmonsMarvel · 23/01/2021 18:43

@Jaffacakelove Sounds like he doesn’t want to marry you! For context of how it should go - was together with my now DH for 4 years and discussed marriage one Saturday night as I felt we were in the right place and was wondering why he hadn’t proposed . He said he felt a bit of pressure to do an elaborate proposal like all his friends had. I said that didn’t bother me I just wanted to marry him and he said he wanted to marry me too.

I had a massive surprise the following Thursday when he proposed with a cheap promise ring in our sitting room followed by dinner booked in a local restaurant. We married 10 months later and (big church wedding with 200 people - we took out a loan). We only picked my engagement ring two months before the wedding alongside the wedding rings.

shiningstar2 · 23/01/2021 18:45

I am wondering whether the price of the ring you showed him might be a factor? Men don't always put as much store on these things as some women do.
I am guessing that, while you would like the ring of your dreams, being married, especially now you have a child together, is more important to you.

He may not like to say he can't afford the ring in case you think he is being cheap? Maybe have a discussion again, at the right time, and show him some less expensive rings you like.

My daughter's engagement ring was all of £25 eighteen years ago. She would have liked a 'proper' engagement ring, but they are still happily married with 2 kids eighteen years later.

Looking back, she says that although a lovely ring would have been fantastic, to some extent this was more to do with not wanting negative judgements from 'friends' and colleagues. Maybe worth a thought. Good luck

AStudyinPink · 23/01/2021 18:47

Yes, how much was the ring, OP? It’s possible he had a shock.

LApprentiSorcier · 23/01/2021 18:52

My husband and I chose an engagement ring together. I think it cost around £100 and came from joint funds. There was no proposal, we just agreed to get married and the wedding was about six months later. That was 16 years ago and we have no plans to divorce!

Iflyaway · 23/01/2021 18:55

Please get "your house in order" financially for your future and that of your child, he's just stringing you along.

"At some point" could be with someone else. You read enough of it on here.

HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee · 23/01/2021 19:01

He’s clear he doesn’t want to marry you just now,everything else is bluster
So, I suppose what do you want to do knowing it’s a 2-3yr wait minimum for any wedding. How do you feel about that?
Finally how is your accommodation are you both on the mortgage or lease?

oakleaffy · 23/01/2021 19:01

Sadly some men say they were 'Emotionally coerced' into marriage.

I have known so many men who say they were steamrollered into marriage, and ''Didn't actually want to go ahead''.

Divorce costs a fair old bit, and if a man needs tears, sulking, hints on rings, venues.....He is likely really not wanting to go ahead, and a marriage based on this does not auger well for the future.

If a man is red hot to marry you, it is very different.

I'd find one of the latter if you want the big day!

Aprilx · 23/01/2021 19:03

[quote Jaffacakelove]@miserableannie ok good for you? I don't personally thinks there's anything wrong with wanting a bit of say in something I'll be wearing for the rest of my life but to each their own!

So to answer a few questions no I'm not a STAHM. I'm currently training so in a few years I will be the higher earner

It's not that I'm after a big showey proposal and a massive ring, I've made it quite clear actually that I would want something very low key. But he asked me to look at rings so I'm obviously going to look at what I would really like and not just a 'this will do for now ring' if you see what I mean? Saying that the ring I liked wasn't mega £

Tbh even if it was a conversation like I can't afford a fancy ring / wedding rn but let's do this cheaper alternative instead that would be absolutely fine. It's just the feeling like I was led to believe it was going to be one thing and then he just took that away that's left me quite hurt.[/quote]
I chose my own engagement ring too because I am the one that is going to be wearing it. You don’t seem to be demanding or unrealistic in your preferences, unfortunately this adds to my suspicion that you are with a man that simply does not want to marry you.

VodselForDinner · 23/01/2021 19:22

There’s no benefit to him in being married.

Sorry OP, if he wanted you as his wife, you would be.

Calmate · 23/01/2021 19:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Playnoh · 23/01/2021 19:38

He has no intention of marrying you.

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