Page 7 | To feel a bit strung along?

Shoxfordian · 24/01/2021 11:44

He doesn’t sound like a man planning on marrying you anytime soon if ever

Rangoon · 24/01/2021 14:04

Jaffa I hope you are okay. Do you have anybody you could talk to IRL like your mother, sister, best friend? I remember pouring my heart out to my elderly dad about some man who was keeping me dangling. (My one asked me what gem stones I liked before an overseas trip and brought me back an expensive jersey that didn't fit.) Dad was actually very helpful although the advice stung.

I hope your partner has at least got a will where you are the beneficiary. I am not knowledgeable about UK law but I think you would not inherit anything under an intestacy though your child would. Even if he is not thinking of marriage I think you are perfectly entitled to ask about the will. Term life insurance might also be appropriate with you as the beneficiary. You should be aware though that the will and the named beneficiary of the insurance could be changed at any time without your knowledge.

TheOneLeggedJockey · 24/01/2021 18:55

I see many threads like this and my first thought is why do people see getting married as more of a commitment to each other than having children.

Putting all the financial considerations to one side, a marriage is a commitment to each other.

Of course, there are no guarantees it will last forever. But a couple that gets together and decides they want to spend the rest of their lives together, apropos of nothing other than their love for each other - well, to me, that’s a sincere commitment.

Having children together - that will always be a commitment to the children. But we clearly know it’s a not a commitment to the relationship, since people split up, live separately, and co-parent all the time.

dotoallasyouwouldbedoneby · 24/01/2021 19:12

@Jimdandy

It’s too late for you OP but the big mistake I see a lot of people make is having the kids first. You’ve given him everything he wants without having to give you the commitment in return and some security. Why would he need to bother marrying you now, he can just walk away and he’s still got a child.

This x 1000% but I am old and old-fashioned in these matters. Registry Office with a curtain ring if necessary is the answer here in these Covid times.

DragonPoop · 24/01/2021 19:12

I think he doesn’t want to get married, but obviously can’t say that to you as he knows it would be over. He’s just bought himself some more time basically. If he wanted to get married to you he would just do it not make a big song and dance over it

PrincessNutNuts · 24/01/2021 19:23

How much was this ring?!

ashesmam · 24/01/2021 22:42

@Jaffacakelove

Posting here mostly for traffic

Me and DP have been together 5 and a bit years. Have one toddler DS.

Marriage has always been something that is important to me and where I have wanted our relationship to go. DP has always been aware of this - he doesn't feel as strongly about it as I do but does also want to get married at some point.

We've been talking more about marriage recently and it ended up with us having a lovely long chat the other week about how he really wants to marry me, a proposal is on the way. He said we should look at rings (he knows I'm quite fussy and would like to choose my own)

I took all this to mean a proposal is imminent and he is serious about getting married. So as suggested started looking at rings (online only ofc as shops are closed)

There's a shop that I've loved their ring designs for years so I was looking on there and found one that was perfect. I showed DP and he loved it too, everything just felt right. Then he started saying he has some thinking to do. I queried what he meant and he basically said well I need to think about proposing and need to do some saving for the ring. He basically ended up saying that sure he wants to get married but the proposal won't be for at least 1-2 years.

I just can't help but feel really hurt. Like why even have that conversation with me and tell me to look at rings and make me think this is going to happen soon when that obviously isn't the case?

AIBU to feel like I've been strung along abit?

Not to worry! my DP did the same thing. The problem is that they are feeling insecure about themselves ; financially, mentally, socially in some facet of their life. you've got to find out what it is and support him through out it and make him feel like a man anyway. That's when DP will feel ready to marry you. When you have found, supported and helped to fill his insecurities!

Summerdayshaze · 24/01/2021 22:45

If he wanted to marry you, he would have asked by now. Sorry.

Bluntness100 · 24/01/2021 22:49

I never understand these threads. I don’t know how anyone can contemplate marriage but not be able to take a conversation about it. It’s a really bad sign and huge red flag that you actually shouldn’t be getting married

If you can’t just say to him, look I don’t want to wait like that, I’d rather get married this year, I don’t need the proposal etc, yes or no, how are you feeling. Then you shouldn’t wish to marry as the relationship isn’t strong enough.

If he says no, he won’t do it, then just assume he means ever. Everything else is just noise. And then decide if you want to stay in or end it.

Right now though, the signs are he doesn’t wish to marry. I’m sorry.

Bluntness100 · 24/01/2021 22:49

When you have found, supported and helped to fill his insecurities!

Seriously?

HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee · 24/01/2021 23:07

you've got to find out what it is and support him through out it and make him feel like a man
Christ women don’t need to fix men or massage their egos to make them feel manly
Nor does marriage need to be dangled like a prize, fix your man make him manly or he won’t marry you

I’m astonished people who have a child can’t have an adult conversation about their preference regard marriage

Also it’s exasperating to see women demurely wait on men,hoping,wishing they’ll be picked. Allowing him all the power. Have a candid conversation about marriage be frank about what you both want,and how will potential conflict be resolved

No one is compelled to get married,so if he’s saying no that’s clearly disappointing to op but no one should be compelled

I certainly think the op and her partner should have a frank discussion

Bluntness100 · 24/01/2021 23:10

Heels I totally agree with you

The convo should have went like this

Him, it will be one to two years before I propose
Her, sorry that doesn’t work for me. You need to shit or get off the pot. If you’re saying you want us to get married let’s book it in tomorrow, for later in the year. If you don’t want to commit, just be honest.
Him. I don’t want to commit now
Ok. Then for me it’s over.

1Morewineplease · 24/01/2021 23:19

@Bluntness100

Heels I totally agree with you

The convo should have went like this

Him, it will be one to two years before I propose
Her, sorry that doesn’t work for me. You need to shit or get off the pot. If you’re saying you want us to get married let’s book it in tomorrow, for later in the year. If you don’t want to commit, just be honest.
Him. I don’t want to commit now
Ok. Then for me it’s over.

This.

He's toying with you.

1Morewineplease · 24/01/2021 23:20

In your scenario, rings have got nothing to do with it.

timeisnotaline · 24/01/2021 23:22

Everything bluntness said.
And you've got to find out what it is and support him through out it and make him feel like a man anyway. That's when DP will feel ready to marry you. When you have found, supported and helped to fill his insecurities!
Omg do not do this. You are not his therapist. You are not there to fix him. You are there to be in a mutually supportive relationship. If you did do this he would probably think he’s awesome and can do better than you and dump you for someone else. Which is fair enough really because your behaviour would be saying I don’t count as a person- I exist only to enable and support you so you don’t have to treat me as a person.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 25/01/2021 14:24

you've got to find out what it is and support him through out it and make him feel like a man anyway. That's when DP will feel ready to marry you. When you have found, supported and helped to fill his insecurities!

What the actual fuck?!

It is not a woman's job to fix a man.

It is not a woman's job to put a man's mental health above her own.

It is not a woman's job to be grateful for a mention of potential future commitment while actively identifying, and fixing insecurities he hasn't even communicated.

Women do not exist solely to pander to men.

Women are not obliged to offer all the emotional investment in a relationship and get less in return 'because penis'.

It's 2021. How is the bar still this low?

Sugarhouse · 25/01/2021 15:29

My husband waited 8 years to propose then once he did he wanted to get married straight away we did it 5 months later. On that reasoning I wouldn’t say he doesn’t want to marry you. You maybe need to have another serious talk about what you both want though and I it’s about savings have a goal to work towards. But weddings and rings don’t have to be expensive.

SaltyTootsieToes · 25/01/2021 15:58

I think the previous poster who wrote men who want to get married, get married and those that don’t, procrastinate. Very much sums it up. Getting married isn’t really about a pricey ring or party. Those things can come later.

Honesty truly is the best policy. Tell him straight you want to get married, look at dates together and book the registry. Then you can save for a ring and a party. No reason you can’t renew vows in front of guests if that is important

My DH and I would have wanted a big wedding but we didn’t have money. Got married in a borrowed dress, close family attended and we had simple wedding bands. It wasn’t until married 15 years (and two kids) we had the funds for a diamond ring.

If it’s important to you, why would he delay years if he truly wanted to marry you? Ask him this and then think about your plans accordingly. I hope it’s just a case that he thinks the ring and party are what’s important to you.

Ntwa · 25/01/2021 16:33

It is not a woman's job to be grateful for a mention of potential future commitment while actively identifying, and fixing insecurities he hasn't even communicated

^^^^^ just this...

SomewhereInbetween1 · 25/01/2021 16:43

Oh op I'm so sorry this has happened. I think he's making it as clear as any coward would, that he doesn't want to marry you. I'm sorry.

ErickBroch · 25/01/2021 16:49

Comments about 'if he wanted to marry you he would have by now' are bizarre. My fiance and I got engaged after four years - we thought it was much more essential that we get a mortgage and a home first (which we did). Being together for four years without an engagement didn't mean he didn't want to marry me? We bought a house and then he saved for a ring. Now we are saving for a wedding.

OP, IDK how much the ring was but maybe it was way more than he expected and therefore he has to save? If he is the only one working and you have a child then it sounds like it could take a while.

TeenagePITA · 25/01/2021 16:58

I think this is a money thing

If the ring was 2k+ he might take a while to save.

We were broke, my ring cost £300 (I love it!).

He might have a dawning realisation of how much all this is about to cost him.
And he's probably thinking it will take 1-2 years to save.

TeenagePITA · 25/01/2021 17:00

And he's the soul earner?

Even more so. This is definitely a panic about money. Not about second thoughts on marrying you/
I bet you anything.

TeenagePITA · 25/01/2021 17:00

Sole?

TheOneLeggedJockey · 25/01/2021 18:02

Comments about 'if he wanted to marry you he would have by now' are bizarre. My fiance and I got engaged after four years - we thought it was much more essential that we get a mortgage and a home first (which we did). Being together for four years without an engagement didn't mean he didn't want to marry me?

People don’t mean - if he wanted to marry you, he’d have done so within minutes of meeting you.

They mean he’d be willing to do it, and taking active steps towards making it happen.

Having discussions where both parties can see what the longer-term plan is, and there’s an agreed goal (or goals) in mind, e.g. mortgage / home first.

Not being strung along, goal posts continually moving, empty promises, and an engagement never actually happening.

Surely you can see that’s different from your situation.