To feel a bit strung along?

[Jaffacakelove]

Posting here mostly for traffic

Me and DP have been together 5 and a bit years. Have one toddler DS.

Marriage has always been something that is important to me and where I have wanted our relationship to go. DP has always been aware of this - he doesn't feel as strongly about it as I do but does also want to get married at some point.

We've been talking more about marriage recently and it ended up with us having a lovely long chat the other week about how he really wants to marry me, a proposal is on the way. He said we should look at rings (he knows I'm quite fussy and would like to choose my own)

I took all this to mean a proposal is imminent and he is serious about getting married. So as suggested started looking at rings (online only ofc as shops are closed)

There's a shop that I've loved their ring designs for years so I was looking on there and found one that was perfect. I showed DP and he loved it too, everything just felt right. Then he started saying he has some thinking to do. I queried what he meant and he basically said well I need to think about proposing and need to do some saving for the ring. He basically ended up saying that sure he wants to get married but the proposal won't be for at least 1-2 years.

I just can't help but feel really hurt. Like why even have that conversation with me and tell me to look at rings and make me think this is going to happen soon when that obviously isn't the case?

AIBU to feel like I've been strung along abit?

Some of you are being really concrete in your thinking,that ring cost is postponement reason
Op has said it’s not over priced. Unless it’s a JLo sparkler why he need 2year?
He’s kicked the can down the long road for up to 2years.

@ErickBroch, you gave an example of two adults mutually agreeing some relationship goals and successfully working toward them eg house purchase,mortgage. That’s an example of two adults being transparent and mutually getting their agreed wish. In case of op, there’s no timescale,no progression and she’s unhappy. Completely different to your happy scenario

It is not a woman's job to fix a man.

It is not a woman's job to put a man's mental health above her own.

It is not a woman's job to be grateful for a mention of potential future commitment while actively identifying, and fixing insecurities he hasn't even communicated.

Women do not exist solely to pander to men.

Women are not obliged to offer all the emotional investment in a relationship and get less in return 'because penis'.

Applauds

Yes as I said, women don’t need to fix men or massage their egos to make them feel manly
Nor does marriage need to be dangled like a prize, fix your man make him manly or he won’t marry you

you've got to find out what it is and support him through out it and make him feel like a man anyway.

Fuck, as they say, that shit,

It depresses me that more than 20 years into the 21st century, some women are still waiting around ( often for years) for a man to propose . Frequently we hear that the woman is traditional yet has been living with the guy and had children.

Whenever I see these (shockingly frequent) threads I always end up sing ‘Soldier, soldier won’t you marry me?’

Oh no, OP, he cannot marry you for he has no ring to put on!

It’s so fucking depressing that women are waiting for proposals.
When DH got engaged we chatted about how we loved each other and our future plans. Then, over a drink or two, decided we were going to get married. We went to a jewellers and bought a £120 ring (that’s still lovely) and I bought DH a ring from a little jewellers in Tenby on holiday.
We started arranging the wedding the next day and were wed 6 months later!

Absolutely hate this transactional ‘big proposal’ trend. It’s 20fucking21!!!!

Oh, and @ashesmam, The Surrendered Wives forum is that way ->

@Jaffacakelove please can I ask what the occupation is that you are training for?

I think he doesn't want to get married and you're right to feel he's stringing you along x

So an update in case anyone cares!

I read all the replies and made me realise I was being a bit silly getting all upset without even speaking to him about what was going on.

Basically the conversation went that he does want to marry me but didn't want to propose without a ring and didn't want to say it was coming imminently because he thought I would want an expensive ring. I said this wasn't important to me so we sat down and chose a ring together and it was really lovely.
I guess I was thinking it would be a movie type scenario but real life isn't like that. But anyway we are now engaged :)

Good you talked,nice resolution,are you pleased

Good news OP. Instagram/films etc do a lot of damage with these ‘big proposal’ expectation shite.
It’s all driven by commercial greed cos they want you to spend your cash on diamond rings and tat.

Diamond engagement rings only became a thing in 1947 due to a massive ad campaign by a company who wanted to flog their (mined by child labour/slavery/stealing from indigenous peoples).
blog.hubspot.com/marketing/diamond-de-beers-marketing-campaign

Congratulations!

Congratulations, I hope you'll be very happy. Dh proposed to me on a service station forecourt, so def not like a movie. But my real life marriage is wonderful.

Absolutely delighted to read your update.

Congratulations.

Congratulations OP! I'm another one who had a very unromantic proposal - sitting in the car outside a motorway service station!

All the very best to you both

This is brilliant! Congratulations.

@Jaffacakelove

So an update in case anyone cares!

I read all the replies and made me realise I was being a bit silly getting all upset without even speaking to him about what was going on.

Basically the conversation went that he does want to marry me but didn't want to propose without a ring and didn't want to say it was coming imminently because he thought I would want an expensive ring. I said this wasn't important to me so we sat down and chose a ring together and it was really lovely.
I guess I was thinking it would be a movie type scenario but real life isn't like that. But anyway we are now engaged :)

The best advice I ever got about marriage is the only one I ever remembered. The judge who married my my DH and me said ‘There is no wrong way to get married, only the wrong way be married”.

So simple yet so true...congrats, you did the thing that will give you the greatest chance for a long and happy marriage, you communicated and came to a mutual conclusion.

Very happy for you!

OP, that was almost exactly what happened with DH and I.
He wanted to do something bigger but had to wait to afford it.
I wasn't keen on big, just wanted a marriage.

Best of luck with your future.

That's really warmed my cockles this morning.

Just needed to add that. 🥰

Thank you all for knocking some sense into me! Much appreciated x

20 years I waited. Never again.

@Loopylobes

If you've already agreed to get married, you are engaged and a proposal would be utterly pointless. You have already made a much bigger commitment to each other by having a child together.

If you want a nice ring, just save up yourself and buy one

There is much better financial security in marriage, especially if the woman is going to take career breaks to take care of children. Different story if the woman is the higher earner/ has more assets.