Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel a bit strung along?

197 replies

Jaffacakelove · 23/01/2021 16:41

Posting here mostly for traffic

Me and DP have been together 5 and a bit years. Have one toddler DS.

Marriage has always been something that is important to me and where I have wanted our relationship to go. DP has always been aware of this - he doesn't feel as strongly about it as I do but does also want to get married at some point.

We've been talking more about marriage recently and it ended up with us having a lovely long chat the other week about how he really wants to marry me, a proposal is on the way. He said we should look at rings (he knows I'm quite fussy and would like to choose my own)

I took all this to mean a proposal is imminent and he is serious about getting married. So as suggested started looking at rings (online only ofc as shops are closed)

There's a shop that I've loved their ring designs for years so I was looking on there and found one that was perfect. I showed DP and he loved it too, everything just felt right. Then he started saying he has some thinking to do. I queried what he meant and he basically said well I need to think about proposing and need to do some saving for the ring. He basically ended up saying that sure he wants to get married but the proposal won't be for at least 1-2 years.

I just can't help but feel really hurt. Like why even have that conversation with me and tell me to look at rings and make me think this is going to happen soon when that obviously isn't the case?

AIBU to feel like I've been strung along abit?

OP posts:
Snaketime · 23/01/2021 17:58

Maybe he asked you to look at rings so he knew what price range he was looking at and work out how much he needed to safe.

OhCaptain · 23/01/2021 17:58

Why this need to be proposed to @Jaffacakelove? You live together, you have a baby together...I genuinely don't get it?

dottiedodah · 23/01/2021 17:58

I am sorry to say that I think he is playing for time Im afraid .If he wanted to marry you he would have by now I think.You have to decide if you want more of the same or to break it off.Not easy but you dont want to be back here in 5 years asking the same question!

AStudyinPink · 23/01/2021 17:58

Offer to go halves on the ring?

They have a child. If they still “go halves” on stuff, there are problems deeper than rings.

BeHappyAndSmile · 23/01/2021 17:58

@AStudyinPink

Why should he give that up just to hurry things along!

Because he’s a dad with a partner keen to have security and commitment, and it’s not about him and a party?

But marriage involves compromise and giving up everything you want is not a compromise. People on here are obsessed with having to be married immediately if you have children, meaning you absolutely must give up every shred of a dream and just rush off to the nearest registry office with no family and just 2 witnesses. He has said he will propose. He has said he needs a year, maybe he didn't know the price of the ring she would like. Maybe he is just stringing her along. The only person that knows is him unfortunately and there's the potential to make him feel cornered into it and end up building resentment if you insist on forcing the issue and making him go to a registry office. If it was a man on here saying "she said she needs a year before I can propose" everyone would be on top of him telling him to give her time and not force her!
WTAFIhavelosttheferret · 23/01/2021 17:58

My DH proposed on the bus ( I dont think it was planned!)
We bought a cheap a vintage ring (both students)
We have been married for 33 years

Being married is not about the engagement or the wedding.

OhCaptain · 23/01/2021 17:59

*Should clarify!

I just mean, surely it's more of a "let's get married" than "let's talk about you proposing to me"?

It just seems odd to me. But I'm probably missing something!

EdwardCullensBiteOnTheSide · 23/01/2021 18:00

I think he's throwing you off the trail so that he can sort it and surprise you with a proposal.

AStudyinPink · 23/01/2021 18:00

But marriage involves compromise and giving up everything you want is not a compromise.

Giving up everything he wants? Ha ha ha. Sounds like he’s got everything he wants - live-in girlfriend, child, his freedom - and she’s got a headache trying to work out what he’s waiting for. If it was really about the party, he’d say so. And he would have proposed.

SanFranBear · 23/01/2021 18:00

@AStudyinPink

Offer to go halves on the ring?

They have a child. If they still “go halves” on stuff, there are problems deeper than rings.

The point I was making was around his excuse of having to save up for it... so either go halves (if you have separate funds) or choose a cheaper ring? I mean, if they have joint money, she'll be paying for the ring anyway?
Firebird83 · 23/01/2021 18:01

Is a ring really that important? Can’t you just get engaged without one?

Tbh it sounds like he doesn’t really want to get married.

AStudyinPink · 23/01/2021 18:03

SanFranBear

I suspect if they don’t have joint money that, as with many of these situations, he pays ‘towards’ his child while she pays ‘towards’ ‘his’ mortgage.

Original poster
Jaffacakelove · 23/01/2021 18:06

@miserableannie ok good for you? I don't personally thinks there's anything wrong with wanting a bit of say in something I'll be wearing for the rest of my life but to each their own!

So to answer a few questions no I'm not a STAHM. I'm currently training so in a few years I will be the higher earner

It's not that I'm after a big showey proposal and a massive ring, I've made it quite clear actually that I would want something very low key. But he asked me to look at rings so I'm obviously going to look at what I would really like and not just a 'this will do for now ring' if you see what I mean? Saying that the ring I liked wasn't mega £

Tbh even if it was a conversation like I can't afford a fancy ring / wedding rn but let's do this cheaper alternative instead that would be absolutely fine. It's just the feeling like I was led to believe it was going to be one thing and then he just took that away that's left me quite hurt.

OP posts:
Original poster
Jaffacakelove · 23/01/2021 18:08

@EdwardCullensBiteOnTheSide if that is the case going to look like such a whiny cow!

OP posts:
AStudyinPink · 23/01/2021 18:08

I'm currently training so in a few years I will be the higher earner

But do you work at the moment?

diddl · 23/01/2021 18:09

@miserableannie

I hate people that choose their own rings. Mine is all the more special because my DH chose it for me. It could have been a £20 argos ring for all I cared
GrinGrinGrin
Original poster
Jaffacakelove · 23/01/2021 18:11

No I don't work. I'm going into a field that is very understaffed so luckily the bursaries I receive as an incentive to go into that field are more than I was earning when I was working

OP posts:
Hankunamatata · 23/01/2021 18:12

Talk to him again. Perhaps he feel he needs to save for ring and the wedding. Perhaps he is thinking once your engaged then wedding 6 months later. You wont know unless you talk to him and tell him too what your thoughts are and timescale

Annasgirl · 23/01/2021 18:12

Sorry OP, I’m with everyone else. If he wanted to marry you you would be married by now. Men don’t wait for something they want. Some women wait - it rarely turns out well. If you wanted marriage, you should have insisted before you had a child. If your child was not planned then by now he should have proposed (if he wanted to marry you).

If marriage is important to you, and it was to me to I understand this, you will need to go and find a man who wants to marry you - they exist.

AStudyinPink · 23/01/2021 18:12

That’s good, OP. Assuming he doesn’t significantly outearn you at the moment, he probably sees that you’re committed to the training and won’t be leaving him any time soon if he doesn’t propose. So he isn’t going to. It’s unfair on you, really.

Cleverpolly3 · 23/01/2021 18:15

@Loopylobes

If you've already agreed to get married, you are engaged and a proposal would be utterly pointless. You have already made a much bigger commitment to each other by having a child together.

If you want a nice ring, just save up yourself and buy one.

It sounds awfully like he doesn't want to get married and hasn't got the balls to be honest with you.

Pretty much this
JovialNickname · 23/01/2021 18:15

Voted YABU purely because you moved in with him and had a kid first? You implicitly accepted living together with a child out of wedlock, so much as it would be nice for him to suddenly marry you, your leverage disappeared some time ago!

Ladies, if you want your man to marry you, get a ring (wedding ring not engagement ring) on that finger first!!

BeHappyAndSmile · 23/01/2021 18:15

@AStudyinPink you really sound quite bitter.

And for what it's worth OP I'm commenting as someone who's had a similar conversation recently (minus the picking out of the ring) and we discussed the reason for not doing it immediately. It was because covid means we can't have the wedding my boyfriend would like (shocking to astudy that his opinion might matter to me) and as we have a small baby funds are more limited. He wants to do it properly and have the people he cares about be present for one of the most important days of his life. And he doesn't want a long engagement. All very valid reasons as far as I'm concerned. Maybe speak to him about why he wants to wait a year or so just to see what his thought process is. It could be something similar.

Backtoschool101 · 23/01/2021 18:16

You don't need a proposal or a ring to get married. Especially as you have a child together. Surely it's a matter of just booking it post covid at the registry office and doing it. Rings and ceremonies can come later

MaudHatter · 23/01/2021 18:16

He doesn’t want to get married ?

Swipe left for the next trending thread