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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel a bit strung along?

197 replies

Jaffacakelove · 23/01/2021 16:41

Posting here mostly for traffic

Me and DP have been together 5 and a bit years. Have one toddler DS.

Marriage has always been something that is important to me and where I have wanted our relationship to go. DP has always been aware of this - he doesn't feel as strongly about it as I do but does also want to get married at some point.

We've been talking more about marriage recently and it ended up with us having a lovely long chat the other week about how he really wants to marry me, a proposal is on the way. He said we should look at rings (he knows I'm quite fussy and would like to choose my own)

I took all this to mean a proposal is imminent and he is serious about getting married. So as suggested started looking at rings (online only ofc as shops are closed)

There's a shop that I've loved their ring designs for years so I was looking on there and found one that was perfect. I showed DP and he loved it too, everything just felt right. Then he started saying he has some thinking to do. I queried what he meant and he basically said well I need to think about proposing and need to do some saving for the ring. He basically ended up saying that sure he wants to get married but the proposal won't be for at least 1-2 years.

I just can't help but feel really hurt. Like why even have that conversation with me and tell me to look at rings and make me think this is going to happen soon when that obviously isn't the case?

AIBU to feel like I've been strung along abit?

OP posts:
HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee · 23/01/2021 21:59

Ultimatum only work if op means it and and actually wants a marry me or I walk scenario

BluntAndToThePoint80 · 23/01/2021 22:12

I’m another one that thinks he doesn’t want to get married (to you). He’s stringing you along (whether deliberately or subconsciously) by saying what you want to hear.

You have a child and it’s important to you. He’s not making noises about dream weddings etc or other reasons - he’s literally saying he needs to think. He’s not sure he wants the commitment.

However. I cannot understand this mindset personally - why have a child with someone, which is a lifelong commitment and ties you to a person forever, but think marriage (which is easily ended) is too much of a commitment ? Surely a child is a bigger commitment.

I also cannot understand why women have babies with men before getting married, if marriage is that important to them. But based on the never-ending threads along these lines on mumsnet, it appears to be a common thing. If you do t want to get married, great for you. But if it’s important, then prioritise it.

BTV2000 · 23/01/2021 22:22

Does seem a bit bizarre...? My husband told me to look at rings, my mum and I went shopping and I tried loads on, found ‘the one’ and then a month later on holiday I was proposed to with my dream ring. I 100% agree that I’d be a bit ‘errrr what’s going on?!’ If we’d had that conversation and then nothing came of it.

Had you previously talked about budgets? Is the ring you’ve seen maybe a bit out of his price range and he’s worried?

BTV2000 · 23/01/2021 22:25

@BluntAndToThePoint80

I’m another one that thinks he doesn’t want to get married (to you). He’s stringing you along (whether deliberately or subconsciously) by saying what you want to hear.

You have a child and it’s important to you. He’s not making noises about dream weddings etc or other reasons - he’s literally saying he needs to think. He’s not sure he wants the commitment.

However. I cannot understand this mindset personally - why have a child with someone, which is a lifelong commitment and ties you to a person forever, but think marriage (which is easily ended) is too much of a commitment ? Surely a child is a bigger commitment.

I also cannot understand why women have babies with men before getting married, if marriage is that important to them. But based on the never-ending threads along these lines on mumsnet, it appears to be a common thing. If you do t want to get married, great for you. But if it’s important, then prioritise it.

Just seen this and had to agree with you! Getting married was important to me but I was desperately broody and would’ve felt ‘okay’ about having a baby before getting married 😂 but my husband was (and is) super traditional and wanted to be married first. I’m glad we did
Brefugee · 23/01/2021 22:48

Propose to him. If it is that important to you, and you want to, it is the obvious solution.
If he says "no" tell him you're moving on and he should pack his bags (or you'll be packing yours)

He has no earthly reason to marry you, and depending on what your circs are, you have every reason to worry if you stay as you are.

Norwayreally · 23/01/2021 23:04

You don’t need an engagement ring. I’ve honestly always found the whole engagement thing rather farcical anyway. Get married if you truly want to rather than making a big deal out of the fact you’re going to get married ‘eventually’. I know too many couples who are just perpetually engaged, they’ll never get married.

He’s putting off asking you because he isn’t sure whether he wants to or not and after 5 years and a child, he really should be sure by now.

SerenityFlowers · 23/01/2021 23:11

It's nearly Valentines day. He could be planning a surprise proposal. Don't say anything yet.

Cleverpolly3 · 23/01/2021 23:28

@SerenityFlowers

It's nearly Valentines day. He could be planning a surprise proposal. Don't say anything yet.
Are you joking?
HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee · 23/01/2021 23:30

Together 5 years He’s had ample opportunity probably 5 to initiate a valentines proposal

BluntAndToThePoint80 · 23/01/2021 23:35

@BTV2000 - glad it worked out for you. And I’m sure it works out for some of those that do go ahead with a baby without being married first.

It can be hard when there is a disagreement over marriage and it’s importance. I worked with a girl who had a baby without being married - she ended up so desperately unhappy with the situation. She wanted to be married but her DP didn’t believe in it, so she was essentially forced to compromise what was important to her as they had a baby together and she didn’t want to break up the family unit. Which can be fine if that’s what you ultimately chose to do, but I wouldn’t want to be forced to accept it iyswim.

Thewithesarehere · 23/01/2021 23:43

My proposal didn’t involve even the discussion of a ring. A registry wedding doesn’t take any time or expense at all. Just make sure he pays for everything equally and does equal childcare and household work etc. (I strongly suspect it’s not happening right now).
You really must not leave work and he must absolutely pay and work for everything together until you get married (if that happens, because I doubt it too).

Osirus · 24/01/2021 00:13

@Sacredspace

I’m wondering if you have to wait a few years whilst he saves for/thinks about an engagement ring, how long are you going to have to wait for the actual wedding?
Yep, and what are the chances that money will need to used for some emergency along the way?
ToniTheDonkey · 24/01/2021 01:21

@ntwa your post reminded of when I bought my first house with an ex-DP. We’d been together 3 yrs by then, mid 20s. We were planning to go out for a meal one night, nothing flashy, just a Beefeater. He’d mentioned it to his colleagues at work during the daytime and they’d been teasing him, asking if he was going to proper. When he got home he recounted the story to me, saying “I told them, as I’ve told you....” (he hadn’t ever told me) “..that I’ll wait until we’ve been living together for about 6 months before we get engaged”

After eleven years of living together I gave up and moved out! We had been together by 14 years by that point.

I do understand the OP’s feelings though, I’ve always wanted someone to love me enough to want to ask me to marry them. However, I’m very late forties and no one has ever asked me, so it’s unlikely to happen now.

Rangoon · 24/01/2021 02:07

I am sorry but he is stringing you along and he's not even had to buy a ring to drag things out. Get qualified and start salting money away in your own separate account if you can't start now. Double up on contraception and under no circumstances agree to a second child. Use the saved money for a house or flat deposit and simply leave - after all it's not as if you're married.

Frankly even if he came up with a proposal now I wouldn't marry him. Remember he is reluctant about marrying you on the off chance somebody better comes along. I know that stings but many people - wonderful, attractive, intelligent and kind people - have had this realisation. You now need to start thinking about somebody better coming along for you.

Jimdandy · 24/01/2021 07:30

It’s too late for you OP but the big mistake I see a lot of people make is having the kids first. You’ve given him everything he wants without having to give you the commitment in return and some security. Why would he need to bother marrying you now, he can just walk away and he’s still got a child.

Mumski45 · 24/01/2021 08:21

I see many threads like this and my first thought is why do people see getting married as more of a commitment to each other than getting married. OP I haven't read the whole thread but I do hope that you have some financial independence from him as your rights in a split if you are not married are very limited.

I would not worry about the ring or the proposal and concentrate on the getting married side of it and if he won't commit to that then you know where you stand.

Ntwa · 24/01/2021 09:36

@tonitheDonkey sad but true.. You learn as you get older/experience more relationships. My patience has gone.. And I've a high patience threshhold!!
I'm sorry things didnt work out for you.
Op are you OK? Can't be nice reading all the replies

notanothertakeaway · 24/01/2021 10:05

@HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee

Ultimatum only work if op means it and and actually wants a marry me or I walk scenario
@HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee

I'm not a fan of ultimatums. I wouldn't want to marry someone who had to be dragged down the aisle kicking and screaming. However, I think it is reasonable to say "I would like to marry you, have the impression you don't feel the same, respect your views, no one should marry if they don't want to, but I'm starting to wonder if I want to stay in this relationship if it's not leading to marriage in the next X months"

But I agree, you have to be willing to walk away if it's that important. Or, accept that marriage isn't on the table

Mumski45 · 24/01/2021 10:10

Oops that should say

I see many threads like this and my first thought is why do people see getting married as more of a commitment to each other than having children.

Sillyduckseverywhere · 24/01/2021 10:14

He will not marry you.
Decide how important it is to you and act accordingly.
I was strung along for years, but I had babies dangled in front of my face too.

AnotherBoredOne · 24/01/2021 10:44

Twenty years i waited. Ridiculous

Brefugee · 24/01/2021 10:53

why do people see getting married as more of a commitment to each other than having children.

i think it's more that they would be more secure if it came to a break-up.

LApprentiSorcier · 24/01/2021 11:01

@Brefugee

why do people see getting married as more of a commitment to each other than having children.

i think it's more that they would be more secure if it came to a break-up.

Yes. If they split up the DP would be liable for child maintenance but nothing else - any assets that were in his name would stay with him, regardless of whether they had joint funds in them, or money he'd been able to earn because the OP was looking after their child.

If the OP is the higher earner or owns the house/savings in her own name, then she is the one better off not being married in the event of a split, in which case her DP is in a precarious position but as the OP has made it clear she wants marriage, that's his look out really,

Brefugee · 24/01/2021 11:14

I was only commenting on this case.
In my youth i used to wonder why people got married in a hurry when they were pregnant because i used to think "huh? society isn't so nasty to unmarried parents now" and then i realised that marriage still is what it always was: a financial arrangement and the weaker (financially) partner is always better off in a marriage, the stronger is pretty much always better off out of it (in case of a split mostly)

Game theory applies. (as it does so often)

BlueSussex · 24/01/2021 11:36

@Mumski45

Oops that should say

I see many threads like this and my first thought is why do people see getting married as more of a commitment to each other than having children.

Because of all the financial implications.

A woman who lives in a home owned/rented by her DP who has had DC and possibly reduced her earning potential in the process can be kicked out after 20+ years with nothing but child maintenance to claim (if the DC are young enough. Put a marriage certificate in the mix and suddenly all assets are split.

Obviously this works with gender reversal but it's usually this way round.

Have a look at the Relationships Board and you will see thread after thread of people suddenly realising they have been mugs by believing it's "only a piece of paper" Sad