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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel a bit strung along?

197 replies

Jaffacakelove · 23/01/2021 16:41

Posting here mostly for traffic

Me and DP have been together 5 and a bit years. Have one toddler DS.

Marriage has always been something that is important to me and where I have wanted our relationship to go. DP has always been aware of this - he doesn't feel as strongly about it as I do but does also want to get married at some point.

We've been talking more about marriage recently and it ended up with us having a lovely long chat the other week about how he really wants to marry me, a proposal is on the way. He said we should look at rings (he knows I'm quite fussy and would like to choose my own)

I took all this to mean a proposal is imminent and he is serious about getting married. So as suggested started looking at rings (online only ofc as shops are closed)

There's a shop that I've loved their ring designs for years so I was looking on there and found one that was perfect. I showed DP and he loved it too, everything just felt right. Then he started saying he has some thinking to do. I queried what he meant and he basically said well I need to think about proposing and need to do some saving for the ring. He basically ended up saying that sure he wants to get married but the proposal won't be for at least 1-2 years.

I just can't help but feel really hurt. Like why even have that conversation with me and tell me to look at rings and make me think this is going to happen soon when that obviously isn't the case?

AIBU to feel like I've been strung along abit?

OP posts:
Rhubarbcrumblerules · 23/01/2021 19:52

Propose to him. If he wants to get married it will be a yes. If he doesn't it's a no. Then you will know

GreenClock · 23/01/2021 20:02

You need to have this out with him OP. Properly. Forget all the pomp and finery and romantic nonsense about rings. Does he actually want to be your husband?

My concern is that he’s a bit cowardly, stringing you along until he meets someone else and has an “exit”, or until you get fed up and put a stop to the relationship.

30 year old men who want to be married, get married. Keep that in mind.

Sacredspace · 23/01/2021 20:14

I’m wondering if you have to wait a few years whilst he saves for/thinks about an engagement ring, how long are you going to have to wait for the actual wedding?

NoProblem123 · 23/01/2021 20:17

You’ve already agreed to marry so no proposal needed, from either of you.

Are you a big social media user by any chance ? Are you expecting all the right props and stages ?

As PP suggested- Book a small/ cheap venue and see his reaction.

Definitely don’t have more children until you are married, fully qualified, and with a few years working in the new industry under your belt.

Justgorgeous · 23/01/2021 20:20

@AStudyinPink Thank you, I can read. The OP’s partner is clearly not ready to get married regardless of their ages and with a child and yes to me late twenties is still young.

JLQ1020 · 23/01/2021 20:23

Wow, these comments are very negative.

Any chance he is putting you off the scent so he can give you a nice surprise proposal?

If not just have a good frank conversation in a day or 2 after both of you have time to think.

I think after that if he has changed him mind about marriage maybe find out why without judging? Has he secret debt problems or perhaps in the current pandemic climate is concerned about spending money on a ring? There could be loads of reasons.

AStudyinPink · 23/01/2021 20:23

Justgorgeous

I agree he isn’t ready to get married. But in that case, yes, he’s stringing her along (he should just say that). And no, she isn’t so young that she can just wait for him.

Lampzade · 23/01/2021 20:27

Sorry Op, but he doesn’t want to marry you.
Why do women insist on dragging these men kicking and screaming to altar?
I have seen it far too many times . Men who buy a house and have kids with a woman but will not marry them .
Men know pretty early on if they want to marry you

Livelovebehappy · 23/01/2021 20:31

I know marriage before living together is classed as a bit old fashioned, but the problem if you don’t is that once you live together and DCs come along, the honeymoon period can pretty much fade, and then I guess you start to wonder whether this person is the one you really want to commit to for the rest of your life, because things might not seem as perfect as they were in the early days. As someone said upthread, it’s alwaŷs better to get that ring on your finger before you live together and have DCs.

Justgorgeous · 23/01/2021 20:34

@AStudyinPink Yes, I said that in my first post, of course he just needs to he totally honest with her and they need a 2 year plan which by then she will be around 30, so still young. My friend has been married 30 years, when he first asked her she said no as she just didn’t feel ready, 18 months later he asked her again and they married a year later and went on to have 5 children, she didn’t string him along one bit, but only the OP’s partner knows what his true intentions are.

cptartapp · 23/01/2021 20:41

I hope your contraception is watertight.

VodselForDinner · 23/01/2021 20:45

@cptartapp

I hope your contraception is watertight.
That horse has well and truly bolted, to be fair.
HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee · 23/01/2021 20:51

Op has a son with her partner

katy1213 · 23/01/2021 21:00

Agree that a discussion saying a proposal is on the way is meaningless and totally weird. But surely if marriage is important to you, it's something you do before you've had a child together? He does rather hold all the cards now! And if he's still dithering, it doesn't bode well.

AStudyinPink · 23/01/2021 21:02

they need a 2 year plan which by then she will be around 30, so still young.

It’s not ‘young’ when it comes to finding a new partner and marrying him. Look, I suppose you mean well but the bottom line is, yes, he’s stringing her along at the moment if he is pretending the obstacles are practical when, actually, he just hasn’t made his mind up. Only the OP can decide if she thinks she’s given him long enough already, but at five years with a child, that would be my limit. No 2 year plan. Marry me or sod off.

katy1213 · 23/01/2021 21:02

@livelovebehappy puts it in a nutshell. It's brutal - but the gloss has worn off! Never thought I'd agree with my old-fashioned parents - but if you put everything on a plate for men, they don't need to step up.

mumofone2019 · 23/01/2021 21:10

This reply has been withdrawn

This post has been withdrawn at the poster's request due to privacy concerns.

BlueSussex · 23/01/2021 21:13

One of my XH proposed to me with a ring pull off a can of diet coke Grin

A friend was proposed to with an offer of a hula hoop.

Serious chat needed here Flowers

Astella22 · 23/01/2021 21:16

He’s a dick, I would be so disappointed too OP

LagunaBubbles · 23/01/2021 21:20

You don't say a proposal is "imminent", ....thats crazy! You either propose or you don't. He hasnt. And won't.

CrotchBurn · 23/01/2021 21:25

A proposal happens without discussion beforehand. That's exactly what a proposal is.

  • Do you want to marry me?
  • Yes.
  • Great! Here's a ring.

The fact that you are having to bully him towards proposing says he doesnt want it. We've had enough sickly film scenes where the guy proposes using a toy ring from a Kinder egg for men to know that its totally acceptable to propose without yet having The Ring.

I also think posters droning on about you taking control and asking him yourself are kind of missing the point - traditionally the guy asks. And I'm assuming it's nice to be asked. Its okay to want him to ask. But for whatever reason he seems to be dragging his feet

user194729573 · 23/01/2021 21:28

Meh, traditionally a woman is a chattel. But we managed to work out that was shit and ditch it despite being tradition.

Clicketyclick21 · 23/01/2021 21:51

I don't understand why he's committed to having a child with you but doesn't want to be married to you. To me having a child is the biggest commitment so not something to take lightly. With marriage, if it doesn't work out you can always get divorced so he's already made the major commitment. You'll be mostly connected to each other for the rest of your lives because you have a child together. Marriage for you know is just formalising your life together legally, it's just paperwork.

It's different if you didn't have children & got married first and if things didn't work out, you can divorce before children. Nice and neat and doesn't tie you to each other permanently as it would if you had kids to each other. To me your partner is thinking backwards, if he doesn't want commitment then he shouldn't have had a baby with you. Completely backward thinking.

HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee · 23/01/2021 21:51

No one is missing any point the op doesn’t passively need to wait
Tradition is a mechanism to keep women in their place through habit & prejudice
She’s already had his baby so let’s face not a traditional set up

So yes she can ask..gauge his reaction to a proposal
Instead of sitting,waiting,hoping he’ll ask her

timeisnotaline · 23/01/2021 21:55

I think you grab his attention and calmly say I was pretty hurt by that discussion the other day. I have always expected we would get married, and now I feel like you’re making up lies to pretend you feel the same. When I look at you I start to see someone different. In my mind we are married within two years, I have to warn you that if we aren’t then I don’t see it lasting, because that’s not the man I fell in love with. I’m not going to hang around in a relationship with a man who doesn’t actually want to marry me.