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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think he should pay more board?

201 replies

FlamedToACrisp · 20/01/2021 18:45

My DH's son lives with us. He moved in 4 years ago, and lives on benefits due to MH problems. It is not expected that he will move out for several more years.

We all agreed it would be fair if he contributed £50 a week towards his board. Later he wanted more storage, so we bought a shed for £689 - he pays £5 a week to rent it, but we own it. Other than that, he has not increased the amount he contributes. He has had an increase in his benefits, but it was for increased needs, not a cost-of-living increase AFAIK.

If you have a relative living with you, how often would you expect them to increase the amount they pay - if ever?

How much do yours pay?

WIBU to ask for an increase, basically?

OP posts:
tentative3 · 21/01/2021 10:54

MN at its finest:

OP should be fucking ashamed of herself for having the audacity to have stuff in sheds, she can sell it and not need the sheds. She should also be ashamed of herself for not buying her son a shed so he can keep stuff in it.

OP, you've had a total roasting; whilst I think it's fair for people to disagree with you or suggest alternatives such as an increased contribution via housework, I suggest you ignore the posters who think benefits are not to pay living costs and you should never take a penny, no matter what your son chooses to spend them on or how long he proposes to live with you.

swansongs · 21/01/2021 10:58

I suspect few of the people posting here have had the 'pleasure' of having an adult son live with them for years on end, contributing next to nothing, spending all his available cash on expensive video games and toys rather than saving, and expecting all his food shopping, laundry, electricity, cleaning and other needs to be met. The OP is absolutely right to be exploring - just exploring! - whether the man should contribute more.

From the sound of it, I would say he should. Or you could make his continuing to pay only £50 a week contingent on him getting regular counselling.

00100001 · 21/01/2021 11:00

@longwayoff

You RENT him a shed? On top of £50 a week from his benefits? Words fail me.
Well if he doesn't like it he can use a self-storage company can't he?

Why should he be able to live somewhere for free when he has an income.

He clearly had lived away from home before,and is getting driving lessons,so it's not so bad he can't go outside.

He's taking the piss.

00100001 · 21/01/2021 11:01

benefits aren't there to cover living costs.

Otherwise everyone receiving Universal Credit would be happy, because they get to live rent free, pay no bills and use UC essentially as pocket money...

00100001 · 21/01/2021 11:02

Are there to*

BrumBoo · 21/01/2021 11:12

Why should he be able to live somewhere for free when he has an income.

Absolutely, perhaps the stepson should be treated more like a lodger than a family member that's out-stayed their welcome. I'm sure a lodger would be expected to pay a bit extra for use of a shed without their landlord being considered unreasonable, and quite frankly he needs to be reminded of how to function like the adult he very much is. If that means less of familial relationship in terms of home-comforts so be it. It's not healthy or productive for him to be living like this, and surely must be doing nothing but exacerbating his depression.

GreenlandTheMovie · 21/01/2021 11:16

Wow, some of the comments!
The focus has to be on working towards him moving out and becoming independent. Is he receiving any counselling towards this?

Tbh I'd be charging him near market rent for a rented room in a shared house and add on £50 per week for board/electricity/gas/wifi on top.

Aprilx · 21/01/2021 11:17

I definitely don’t think you should put it up, in fact I think you are taking a lot considering he is on benefits.

00100001 · 21/01/2021 11:19

@Aprilx

I definitely don’t think you should put it up, in fact I think you are taking a lot considering he is on benefits.
But what has being on benefits got to do with anything?
GreenlandTheMovie · 21/01/2021 11:21

Oh, and is there a chance that his 0lans for his future involve inheriting your house and simply staying where he is?

BrumBoo · 21/01/2021 11:24

@Aprilx

I definitely don’t think you should put it up, in fact I think you are taking a lot considering he is on benefits.
So what if hes on benefits? How many women on here are on benefits and they have to pay for housing, clothing, food, Internet, travel costs, to take care of children and so forth leaving nothing but pennies at the end of the month if they're lucky? Many of them may have diagnosed mental health issues on top, they still have to function to run a house and take care of others. What the hell is this man's excuse in comparison, because with the information given it seems to be hes living on easy street with absolutely no need to try and change his ways.

I can't people are defending this middle aged man for having to pay towards some living cost? Sayi g its his money, to buy any of the bloody toys he wants? Come the fuck off it, he needs to grow the fuck up.

billy1966 · 21/01/2021 11:26

OP,

Why would me move anywhere?
Cheap rent and you doing everything for him and being the house skivvy.

He needs a social worker.
He needs to help himself.
You sound like a saint, but you have hugely enabled him.

Talk to your husband about a plan and STOP doing anything for him.

He needs to start cooking, cleaning and doing his own laundry.

That is something you should stop doing immediately.

Flowers
MyMonsteraisDeliciosa · 21/01/2021 11:53

I thought you were being harsh too when I read your first posts but his age absolutely changes everything!

If I understand correctly he is late 30s with a disabled dad? You are not being unreasonable at all if this is the case, he needs to get help to enable him to live his life independently, he isn't a young adult struggling to start out.

I have every sympathy for people suffering with depression, I have it myself and have had for years but I'm lucky that I can mostly function. I get that it's harder for him but he needs to find a way

I don't think the money is really the issue here, I don't think anyone signs up for a lifetime of living with somebody elses adult child when they marry

I hope you find a resolution, for all your sakes Flowers

MyMonsteraisDeliciosa · 21/01/2021 11:55

@BrumBoo you are absolutely spot on!

WhatsMissed · 21/01/2021 12:01

Exactly. It seems totally disingenuous to me that someone should be able to escape the financial burden of adult life. Benefits are there to prop you up and support you in times of financial hardship and cover living costs. Not facilitate frivolous spending whilst you avoid real life and collect toys.

noirchatsdeux · 21/01/2021 12:06

If he's in the Support Group for ESA he will be getting approx £500 a month. That's about £6K a year. I was still living at home when I was earning £6K a year in a full time job and paid £200 a month - both my brothers were working full time and paid nothing. 31 years later I'm still pissed off about how much I paid.

£55 would be nearly half of his benefits a week.

toocold54 · 21/01/2021 12:41

You/DH need to have a proper discussion with him about his income (this should have been done right at the start so you knew how much to charge him - how did you work out what he could afford?

I used to get £80 a week benefits as a lone parent but as PPs have said as he is disabled he could be getting like £700 per month.

How do you know he’s not getting a lower amount and charging these collectibles to a credit card and he’s in massive debt or that he’s not getting a lot more money and could afford to pay more to help out or you all move to a bigger property.

What does your DH say about this? Does he think he should be paying more/helping out more?

toocold54 · 21/01/2021 12:42

He may also be entitled to housing benefit which you would get so it is worth looking into.

hellejuice91 · 21/01/2021 16:33

I don't really think there is an issue with you charging him board if it is to cover your costs and you would struggle without it. If you don't need the money I would probably charge him the £50 a week anyway and put it away for him somewhere so that he can build up a savings pot easily for if/when he is back on his feet or wishes to make a big purchase.

But unless everyone is out all day, and he is sat in on his own with the heating on full blast, having multiple showers a day and eating you out of house and home I am not really sure of how he is costing you more than £50 a week and why you would be wishing to charge him more.

It sounds like you are unhappy with his contribution to the home, maybe try giving a few small tasks a day and see how he does with them. I know when my MH issues are bad I would struggle to even see household tasks that need doing, let along do them. Maybe if a few small bits are pointed out to him to do, he will do them and you will feel better about having him stay.

DuchessofHastings1 · 21/01/2021 16:43

For those who say the OP is taking a lot considering his on benefits....where else would he live if he wasnt living with her?

OP, if hes had an increase, then I would ask for a small increase, if he says no, then ask the above question, where else could you live on £200 a month?

What is his long term plan?
Is he receiving therapy? To help with his mental health.
Surely he can't expect to live with you and his dad forever.

Hotzenplotz · 21/01/2021 21:07

£700 for a shed?!?! Confused

WhoStoleMyCheese · 21/01/2021 21:34

I think your issue is that he does not lift a finger... this could be due to his MH issues.
If he has enough money for takeaways and collectibles however there is no reason you should be bearing the burden.
Take the extra money off him and use it to pay a cleaner as a last resort. But you should really be making him pull his own weight!

TheDuchessOfBeddington · 21/01/2021 21:34

I have a cautionary tale. A family member has similar issues with their MH to the OPs son. Lived at home till early 40s not paying any digs at all.

Then he moved into a council flat, but instead of paying rent and bills he spent it all on Star Wars toys etc. After he was almost made homeless several times his dad had to step in and start paying all his bills. He still spends all his benefits on toys and DVDs and alcohol. It is breaking his fathers heart who is on a pension.

Pinkcadillac · 21/01/2021 21:46

Sorry if I've missed this but, does he have a mother he could live with?

WhoStoleMyCheese · 21/01/2021 21:47

Just re-read : OP I think you have the right idea... however if the issue is that he isn't living independently giving you more money is not the answer. You will need to do some hardcore parenting here by making him get help ... or taking enough of his money away and doing it for him rather than letting him piss it away on collectibles.
It sounds harsh but he cant live like this forever... if anything and his depression is bad enough that he can't work he should be learning the skills to SAVE money etc as he may need it one day!

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