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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think he should pay more board?

201 replies

FlamedToACrisp · 20/01/2021 18:45

My DH's son lives with us. He moved in 4 years ago, and lives on benefits due to MH problems. It is not expected that he will move out for several more years.

We all agreed it would be fair if he contributed £50 a week towards his board. Later he wanted more storage, so we bought a shed for £689 - he pays £5 a week to rent it, but we own it. Other than that, he has not increased the amount he contributes. He has had an increase in his benefits, but it was for increased needs, not a cost-of-living increase AFAIK.

If you have a relative living with you, how often would you expect them to increase the amount they pay - if ever?

How much do yours pay?

WIBU to ask for an increase, basically?

OP posts:
OhBabooahka · 20/01/2021 19:11

So he gets PIP due to need and you want to take more from him?

If he gets PIP for mental health then it must be quite bad for him to get awarded, it's bloody hard to get it for physical and visible disabilities let alone invisible ones.

I've had my DS staying with me from time to time and he has really poor mental health and on benefits. I charge him only what it costs in feeding him, I flatly refuse to profit from his distress.

rubybarley · 20/01/2021 19:13

you sound really petty and tight fisted

AhNowTed · 20/01/2021 19:13

@FlamedToACrisp

By the time we are able to use the shed ourselves, it will be about 6 or 7 years old - effectively, we are lending him the money to buy a shed, but we retain ownership. Not only that, but the space it takes up in our garden is space we have paid for and can't use. I don't see that we've been unfair. If it needs repairing or wood treatment, we pay for that too.

Honestly this is ridiculous. You're taking about depreciation on a shed!

And at the rate your charging him to "rent" it, he'll have paid for it in less than 3 years.

You sound mean and resentful.

I would hate to be in your step-sons shoes with you looking over my shoulder, measuring and counting everything.

Renting a shed... I've heard it all now.

movingonup20 · 20/01/2021 19:15

How much does he receive in benefits. My dd is estimated to get £200 is according to the benefits advisor (still being sorted) so I'm planning on suggesting she gives me £80 a week from it but I'm planning on saving half without her knowing

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 20/01/2021 19:15

I wouldn’t be charging him anything, £200 is a huge amount unless he eats a lot of high quality food.

AhNowTed · 20/01/2021 19:16

Woo paying for wood treatment Halo

Popfan · 20/01/2021 19:16

It depends if you need the money. If it was my son struggling with mental health issues I wouldn't charge him anything at all.

Original poster
FlamedToACrisp · 20/01/2021 19:17

@HorseOfPhillipMoss

But you didn't need to buy a £700 shed
We already had 3 sheds for our stuff (all full). We had no need of another. We could have got a cheaper shed if we were able to put it up ourselves, but we couldn't, so had to pay installation. We suggested that as an option.

He moved from a flat to a room, and wanted to keep things he owned. We felt it would be cheaper than paying for storage.

He doesn't pay for food, or contribute to utility bills. If he moved out, we wouldn't have a lodger, we would be glad of the space.

I don't resent his being here - I know he can't cope alone yet. I do resent the fact he never lifts a finger, but that's nothing to do with money!

OP posts:
Milkshake7489 · 20/01/2021 19:19

If my adult child was on benefits because of poor mental health I'd do whatever I could to help him. A parent's responsibility towards their child doesn't end at 18, especially when that that child has a disability or medical need.

To me, this means charging the absolute minimum I could afford in rent and, if financially possible, paying for additional therapy (though I would consider taking some of his money and saving it for him).

Charging him to rent space in a shed is incredibly tight.

ivykaty44 · 20/01/2021 19:19

£68 per week for renting a room & £5 for storage area is fair

mrsm43s · 20/01/2021 19:20

Unless I was on the absolute bones of my arse, I wouldn't be charging an unwell child of mine or DHs a penny to live with us, I certainly wouldn't charge them to rent space in a shed!

If I did need to charge, it wouldn't be a penny more than the additional amount of cost having them in the house. £55/week almost certainly covers their cost, plus gives you a profit (and buys you an expensive shed).

I wouldn't look to increase his rent.

AgentProvocateur · 20/01/2021 19:20

You sound really tight and petty. I bet you’d be charging him ground rent for the shed if you thought you could get away with it Hmm

Summersun2020 · 20/01/2021 19:20

I think what you’re charging him is fair and I would not increase it. Is he receiving support for his mental health OP? This can’t be a long term arrangement it will breed resentment and he won’t get better.

maddiemookins16mum · 20/01/2021 19:20

But he goes out for driving lessons? (although not at present one assumes). Anyway, personally I think he’s paying very little, if it includes all his food and board.

ivykaty44 · 20/01/2021 19:21

The lad needs to pay his way or he’ll end up without any pride, that’s not helpful for mental health as it’s then going to make him feel useless

NotCornflakes · 20/01/2021 19:22

We already had 3 sheds for our stuff (all full).

I think I see a way for you to get more space in your garden...

rubybarley · 20/01/2021 19:26

If he moved out, we wouldn't have a lodger, we would be glad of the space

so you don’t need the money?

Quitescaredx · 20/01/2021 19:27

Sounds like he needs a lot of help / support. I wouldn’t ask him for money money at least he is paying .

calmearth · 20/01/2021 19:28

You sound horrible. I hope he is ok and isn't aware of how much you dislike him.

confettiballoons · 20/01/2021 19:30

I think you sound mean. And you’re ignoring the question about how much income he has. And complaining that the shed sits on space in your garden you’ve paid for Hmm

Rebelwithverysharpclaws · 20/01/2021 19:31

I understand that it can be difficult if it is not your own child and must be affected by how invested you are in the young man, and this is entirely reasonable - families are complicated and step families more so. I currently have my own DC staying and though working and on a reasonable salary, I don't charge anything as they are saving for a house deposit and I want to facilitate that as best I can. It is of course the case that I can afford to do this (just about), but my willingness to make some (minor) sacrifices is because they are my DC. I know many step parents will feel just as invested as biological parents, but not everyone can be, for many different reasons, and there is no judgement here from me if OP does not feel as invested in the SDC. I can only think that there must be a calculator of what is a fair contribution somewhere on the internet that the whole family can agree on.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 20/01/2021 19:32

By the time we are able to use the shed ourselves, it will be about 6 or 7 years old - effectively, we are lending him the money to buy a shed, but we retain ownership

So you paid £689 for a shed and charge him £5 per week. Every week for even 6 years would mean you are being paid £1560 for the shed. So you are charging him 2.5 times what you paid for it? And he doesn't get to take it with him when he moves?

Are you fucking serious?

Undies1990 · 20/01/2021 19:32

He doesn't pay for food, or contribute to utility bills.

Well, what is his £50 contribution per week going towards then?

sadpapercourtesan · 20/01/2021 19:33

What does your DH think about it?

I'm another one who wouldn't charge my ill and struggling child to stay with me, especially if they were on benefits. They'll always have a place with me.

Pleaseaddcaffine · 20/01/2021 19:33

He isn't the ops child...hate to state the obvious.
I firmly belive all adults should pay to love unless in full time education. 50 a weeks seems reasonable, I think more may not be in the current climate which isn't helping anyone's situation.