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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think he should pay more board?

201 replies

FlamedToACrisp · 20/01/2021 18:45

My DH's son lives with us. He moved in 4 years ago, and lives on benefits due to MH problems. It is not expected that he will move out for several more years.

We all agreed it would be fair if he contributed £50 a week towards his board. Later he wanted more storage, so we bought a shed for £689 - he pays £5 a week to rent it, but we own it. Other than that, he has not increased the amount he contributes. He has had an increase in his benefits, but it was for increased needs, not a cost-of-living increase AFAIK.

If you have a relative living with you, how often would you expect them to increase the amount they pay - if ever?

How much do yours pay?

WIBU to ask for an increase, basically?

OP posts:
DanielRicciardosSmile · 20/01/2021 19:54

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

By the time we are able to use the shed ourselves, it will be about 6 or 7 years old - effectively, we are lending him the money to buy a shed, but we retain ownership

So you paid £689 for a shed and charge him £5 per week. Every week for even 6 years would mean you are being paid £1560 for the shed. So you are charging him 2.5 times what you paid for it? And he doesn't get to take it with him when he moves?

Are you fucking serious?

Exactly what I was thinking, talk about taking the piss! You can't lend someone money to buy something and then keep the thing once the money's been repaid. Especially when its paid back double!
Sobeyondthehills · 20/01/2021 19:56

I would assume he is getting roughly £700 every month if he gets both PIP and ESA (or UC)

But you also have to take into account that once every 2 years or so, those will probably stop and he will have a wait to either get them reinstated or get refused completely.

At the moment if he

SomeoneInTheLaaaaaounge · 20/01/2021 19:56

Sorry OP think you are being unfair.

The paying off the shed £5 a month - That just sounds very mean.

Maybe this is a reflection of how difficult your living situation is and you are getting cross about money. Not saying it’s not very hard, but being mean with cash isn’t the answer.

BettyAndVeronica · 20/01/2021 19:57

How old is he? How much is he getting in benefits?
Is he able to get housing benefit to cover what he pays you?

I wouldn't be charging my early 20s DC anything. But older than that and I would expect a fair rent / share of bills / their own groceries bought. And something towards the cost of a cleaner if they don't help clean communal areas.

MadameTuffington · 20/01/2021 19:58

@pippapoo62

My son has mental health problems and lives with me and his stepfather. He gets £409 each calendar month from universal credit, there is no way I would take half this payment from him. He is currently giving in sick notes because his mental health is so bad . I take £60.00 from him each month has he is saving for driving lessons and a car,at least he is looking to the future as we thought he wouldn't be with us this year.(suicidal thoughts) . If your stepson was working then yes £50 is fine but not when on benefits . Instead of wanting to increase is rent why do you not decrease his payments to £30,it's not the lads fault he is suffering with his mental health.
I 100% agree with you x
JoandLily · 20/01/2021 20:00

I paid my parents £100 a month when I got my first full time job when I was 18, I'm 40 now!! I can't believe that some 20 year olds with full time jobs pay £30 a week nowadays😳 I think tbh £200 a month is reasonable op

Sobeyondthehills · 20/01/2021 20:01

@Sobeyondthehills

I would assume he is getting roughly £700 every month if he gets both PIP and ESA (or UC)

But you also have to take into account that once every 2 years or so, those will probably stop and he will have a wait to either get them reinstated or get refused completely.

At the moment if he

Sorry hit post too soon.

At the moment if he is lodging with no formal agreement, I assume he has no housing benefit paid and it is a lot of hoops to go through if you are renting off a family member

Thatusernamewastaken · 20/01/2021 20:03

You should invest the £200 a month in more sheds. In 6-7 years, after the huge cost of giving his a lick of paint, you could have a total of 7!

IndecentFeminist · 20/01/2021 20:04

How much is his income?

BooBahBoo · 20/01/2021 20:04

This is an awful thread. If he was sitting on his hole, refusing to work etc because he was lazy, then that's one thing. But he has genuine problems he is working through. If it was me, I wouldn't be taking a penny off him (or if I was, I'd stick it in a savings account which would help him set up when he moves out). Renting a shed to him is pathetic. All for a bloody fiver? Give me strength.

Honestly, as harsh as it is to say, no wonder he's struggling with his MH. Living with you would make anyone bloody unwell. How you sleep at night acting like such a cow of a step mum is beyond me.

You wouldn't do this to your own, biological child. Stop treating him as if he's a shit stain on the carpet you want to put a rug over and forget that it exists. He is a human being, with a lot going on right now. A bit of love and support really wouldn't go amiss.

FraggleShingleBellRock · 20/01/2021 20:08

People kicking off over this, if the son was tenting god own place he would have £1-3 a week left over after bills if he was lucky! C the op says he can still get takeaways, collectibles and pay for driving lessons. That is a very luxurious lifestyle on benefits.

My son is in receipt of PIP and UC. He is on benefits. But I still have to pay rent, bills and he eats a huge amount of food. I take approximately £300 a month, which is half of his total benefits. Then he has to save £100 and has £200 -£250 left for personal expenses. That's more spare than anybody else has in the house and he's fine with that as he's got a big bedroom that isn't covered by my own benefits, a carers bedroom , excellent broad band and a big majority of his washing and cooking done for him. But he can also move out if he would like and see how far his money stretches that way.

Sure I COULD take less money from my son but that would directly affect the standard of living for my two younger children so my son pays his way in full. It's not resentful at all.

rwalker · 20/01/2021 20:10

You clearly don't like him.
can't get over "shed is on land I paid for and we can't use that land ".

ElizaLaLa · 20/01/2021 20:10

I bet he just loves living with you op. I wouldn't be surprised if you make his MH worse.

I bet you count out every last chip or pea that's put on his plate.

Jesus Christ.

Even my tenants that I don't know only pay cost.

toocold54 · 20/01/2021 20:12

How much does he get a week?
I would say £50 is a lot for someone on benefits to contribute. How much is your rent/mortgage a week?

It also depends on your financial situation. If you are struggling then you may need to ask him for more.
But if he can’t afford it would you rather have a stranger as a lodger instead? Would personally prefer someone I know.

FabbyMagic · 20/01/2021 20:17

Sorry this sounds quite mean. But what is DH’s views here?

00100001 · 20/01/2021 20:18

@gamerchick

We already had 3 sheds for our stuff (all full). We had no need of another. We could have got a cheaper shed if we were able to put it up ourselves, but we couldn't, so had to pay installation. We suggested that as an option

So you could have emptied one? Are you horders?

He moved from a flat to a room, and wanted to keep things he owned. We felt it would be cheaper than paying for storage

Petty.

He doesn't pay for food, or contribute to utility bills. If he moved out, we wouldn't have a lodger, we would be glad of the space

So you do resent him?

I don't resent his being here - I know he can't cope alone yet. I do resent the fact he never lifts a finger, but that's nothing to do with money!

Yes you do and rather than charge him more, you lay down the rules of the household. He needs to pull his weight.

You sound petty and resentful.

And what happens if the adult refuses to help around the house and livrs there for free.... then what?
Jessiewessie · 20/01/2021 20:25

Hi I would like to add to this from living with my parents and having MH myself.

I gave my parents £50 a week, but that was for the basic, food, and a roof over my head, if I wanted WiFi it was £55 a week. They didn’t charge me more because the rest was up to me, I paid my phone bill, brought any extra food I may of water etc.

If you feel like you need more money then I definitely recommend asking for more. That way when son moves out he might be smart with his money x

Someone1987 · 20/01/2021 20:27

What's his disability?

Miffyliffy · 20/01/2021 20:36

My mother used to make me pay £160 a week plus bills and buying food

converseandjeans · 20/01/2021 20:37

I think £50/week sounds fair for all food, board, washing etc.

How much does he get per month? I think that's relevant - if he gets £300/month then it's a lot. But if he gets say £700/month it's a fair deal.

I don't think it's doing him any favours by providing everything free. Ha needs as an adult to learn to fend for himself.

converseandjeans · 20/01/2021 20:38

Also agree that grown up children paying £30/week ridiculous when they're on a proper salary!

Girlyracer · 20/01/2021 20:40

Well he's old enough to get his own place, but doesn't.

He gets extra state benefit because he's unwell and can't go out, so what is it for to be spent on? What's the extra benefit for?

Why does he need a shed for stuff and why did you agree to buy it? Don't you have a loft to shove it all in?

£50 pw seems right to me, bed, gas, leccy, food, wifi etc and probably doesn't need to lift a finger. He's sitting ok isn't he.

pinkandblueflowers · 20/01/2021 20:40

Very interesting thread and yes it depends how much income he has as to how much he can give u

BedisBliss · 20/01/2021 20:42

@Littlepaws18

Leave him be! You sound really heartless. Renting a shed.... effectively buying it... but buying it for you!!! I bet you wouldn't do this if it was your own child.
Agree!

This has got to be made up! My adult son moved home last year(long story). I charge him nothing because I can afford to and because my biggest concern is his mental health.

Does your DH know how much you resent his son?

MiddlesexGirl · 20/01/2021 20:42

So the son will be getting (assuming on UC)

342 or 409 per month.
With an uplift - not specified but could be LCWRA on the UV at 341 a month.
Or could be PIP at 255 a month (assuming standard daily living)

So min income p/mth £593487.

Out of which he pays 239 rent leaving him 348 to pay his 50 debt, his 40 savings, his driving lessons and his snacks/DVDs/games and toys. No payments needed for meals or utilities.
I think OP is being more than generous and an increase could certainly be warranted.