To think he should pay more board?

[FlamedToACrisp]

My DH's son lives with us. He moved in 4 years ago, and lives on benefits due to MH problems. It is not expected that he will move out for several more years.

We all agreed it would be fair if he contributed £50 a week towards his board. Later he wanted more storage, so we bought a shed for £689 - he pays £5 a week to rent it, but we own it. Other than that, he has not increased the amount he contributes. He has had an increase in his benefits, but it was for increased needs, not a cost-of-living increase AFAIK.

If you have a relative living with you, how often would you expect them to increase the amount they pay - if ever?

How much do yours pay?

WIBU to ask for an increase, basically?

He is her DH's child, though.

I agree with the principle of charging dig money, and I think £55 a week sounds a reasonable amount to pay. You don’t make clear your own financial circumstances. If you are struggling yourself I’d say it’s fair to keep this money. However if it was my son, I would try and save up the money he gives in to use towards either getting him additional therapy to get him back living independently, and to help him do up his next independent home when he gets to that stage. You say he has already been with you 4 years, does this mean he isn’t making any progress with his mental health? That’s a long time passed already.

Well he is your dh's son, I think that's more than enough. And tight to make him pay for the shed rental, maybe if he was paying in instalments to eventually own it but you own the thing.

We already had 3 sheds for our stuff (all full). We had no need of another. We could have got a cheaper shed if we were able to put it up ourselves, but we couldn't, so had to pay installation. We suggested that as an option

So you could have emptied one? Are you horders?

He moved from a flat to a room, and wanted to keep things he owned. We felt it would be cheaper than paying for storage

Petty.

He doesn't pay for food, or contribute to utility bills. If he moved out, we wouldn't have a lodger, we would be glad of the space

So you do resent him?

I don't resent his being here - I know he can't cope alone yet. I do resent the fact he never lifts a finger, but that's nothing to do with money!

Yes you do and rather than charge him more, you lay down the rules of the household. He needs to pull his weight.

You sound petty and resentful.

He’s not a child, he’s a man. Do posters really think that by not charging a fair, or proportionate amount of rent that’s helpful to him somehow?

He needs to be supported and guided towards supporting himself, that’s not going to happen whilst he’s having his hand held for him. That’s life.

£50pw for an adult with all food included is pittance. He won’t just be getting PIP. He’ll be getting other benefits aswell - else how was he paying for his flat.

OP and her DH are providing an adult with all inclusive accommodation, it’s not unreasonable that in return he makes a larger contribution. If you look at spareroom.com he’s easily be paying £400+ pcm for a room without food.

£50 a week can barely cover food for a grown man. If he were living independently, his benefits would have to go on essentials before buying toys. You're not unreasonable at all to expect an increase, especially as prices rising.
And it's not unreasonable to resent him living with you either!

But not hers.
It's her home too and we ahve no idea of the financial setup, she could be the sole homeowner outright for all we know. she is entitled to feel how she feels and a lot of people have the view that children once adults pay their way. A nominal sum which 50 a week is for all bills, food and a safe home isn't a lot of money.
I wouldn't put it up though as it seems fair and covid has been tough on everyone.
Good luck op

Nobody is saying he shouldn't pay anything. But there's a big difference between my adult working son with a decent salary, and the OP's DSS with mental health issues on benefits.

@gamerchick

We already had 3 sheds for our stuff (all full). We had no need of another. We could have got a cheaper shed if we were able to put it up ourselves, but we couldn't, so had to pay installation. We suggested that as an option

So you could have emptied one? Are you horders?

He moved from a flat to a room, and wanted to keep things he owned. We felt it would be cheaper than paying for storage

Petty.

He doesn't pay for food, or contribute to utility bills. If he moved out, we wouldn't have a lodger, we would be glad of the space

So you do resent him?

I don't resent his being here - I know he can't cope alone yet. I do resent the fact he never lifts a finger, but that's nothing to do with money!

Yes you do and rather than charge him more, you lay down the rules of the household. He needs to pull his weight.

You sound petty and resentful.

Wtf has it got to do with you, or the issue at hand what OP keeps in her thread. You’ve obviously decided on a narrative and you’re running with it....

^^keeps in her sheds

@Rebelwithverysharpclaws but he is her DH'S son.

If you had a partner who wanted to stop you helping your ill child, would you be OK with that?

Missing the point of the thread, but 4 sheds in a garden? Your neighbours must l think you're building an extension by stealth 🤣

If I was well off, I would ask him for nothing but I would expect him to be respectful, engage with services and keep his living space clean and tidy - If I was struggling financially I would ask for the above and for him to buy some of his own food - everyone differs with this stuff - I don’t believe there’s rights and wrongs - it’s highly personal to each family, their relationships, moral compass and circumstances.

@DianaT1969

Missing the point of the thread, but 4 sheds in a garden? Your neighbours must l think you're building an extension by stealth 🤣

Or that she needs storage?

My son has mental health problems and lives with me and his stepfather. He gets £409 each calendar month from universal credit, there is no way I would take half this payment from him. He is currently giving in sick notes because his mental health is so bad . I take £60.00 from him each month has he is saving for driving lessons and a car,at least he is looking to the future as we thought he wouldn't be with us this year.(suicidal thoughts) . If your stepson was working then yes £50 is fine but not when on benefits . Instead of wanting to increase is rent why do you not decrease his payments to £30,it's not the lads fault he is suffering with his mental health.

I think £50 a week is a good amount for somebody who is paying off debt and is on benefits. It’s only fair he gets a small amount to spend on snacks and little treats, life’s not worth living if you don’t have the ability to buy a little something for yourself when having serious MH problems. It’s brilliant he’s saving up for driving lessons.

I am in my early twenties and have many friends the same age still living at home, all of varying backgrounds and family situations. I work full time, have not many outgoings and pay £50/week in board. I pay the most out of anyone I know. Some pay the same as me, others pay around £100/month or £30/week.
All of these people I know who are paying board work full time. Anyone I know who are still in education/out of work due to covid/too unwell to work don’t pay a penny at all. I know one person who pays the generous bill as a token actually.
I think you are expecting too much. £55/week is the most I’ve ever heard of someone charging their child. The whole shed situation is ridiculous. You’re keeping it afterwards so why are you bothered about a fiver a week? I understand costs of food, extra bills etc, but £50/week is ample to cover that and I wouldn’t take any more from my own child who is too ill to work and has to rely on sickness benefits to get by.

*energy bill not generous

It's tricky though, because he isn't the same person for the OP and her DH. To her, he's a grown man lodging in her house, when she's very clear that she doesn't want or need a lodger. To her DH, that's his unwell child who needs support. If I were the DH in this scenario, we'd be having a falling-out over this. Because unconditional support for my kids when they're struggling is not negotiable.

@MadameTuffington

If I was well off, I would ask him for nothing but I would expect him to be respectful, engage with services and keep his living space clean and tidy - If I was struggling financially I would ask for the above and for him to buy some of his own food - everyone differs with this stuff - I don’t believe there’s rights and wrongs - it’s highly personal to each family, their relationships, moral compass and circumstances.

This is a fair and sensible comment. I agree.

A bit of a separate issue but you said that you have 3 sheds full of your stuff and he has another full of his.... why so much 'stuff'?

Back to the problem - can you say rent stays fixed or slightly lower if he helps out around the home/garden/clears the sheds.... you say he doesn't life a finger...stop doing everything then!

I think your issue is actually the housework and recouping a further what, £5-10 a week out of his limited income will make no difference to how you feel.

I think yabu to want more money from his pip.

However, him not lifting a finger around the house is no good and doing nothing to prepare him to live alone.

Leave him be! You sound really heartless. Renting a shed.... effectively buying it... but buying it for you!!! I bet you wouldn't do this if it was your own child.

@Littlepaws18

Leave him be! You sound really heartless. Renting a shed.... effectively buying it... but buying it for you!!! I bet you wouldn't do this if it was your own child.

And making a profit on that as well! They're not expecting to use the shed for at least 6 years apparently!