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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think he should pay more board?

201 replies

FlamedToACrisp · 20/01/2021 18:45

My DH's son lives with us. He moved in 4 years ago, and lives on benefits due to MH problems. It is not expected that he will move out for several more years.

We all agreed it would be fair if he contributed £50 a week towards his board. Later he wanted more storage, so we bought a shed for £689 - he pays £5 a week to rent it, but we own it. Other than that, he has not increased the amount he contributes. He has had an increase in his benefits, but it was for increased needs, not a cost-of-living increase AFAIK.

If you have a relative living with you, how often would you expect them to increase the amount they pay - if ever?

How much do yours pay?

WIBU to ask for an increase, basically?

OP posts:
HercwasanEnemyofEducation · 20/01/2021 23:52

I think you all need and open discussion re his treatment and recovery from depression.

If he can afford to buy trinkets, he should be ploughing that money into MH support or counselling.

Viviennemary · 21/01/2021 00:07

Can't believe somebody is bring charged to rent space in a shed. Is he paying enough? Impossible to say without knowing how much he gets in benefits.

SleepingStandingUp · 21/01/2021 00:18

It really depends what he's getting surely.

Under 25, basic UC is 342. 215 to you. 50 debt.
40 savings. That's 305 which leaves £37 a month for anything else he needs.
Over 25 and ER PIP is £795 leaving £490.

So impossible to answer.

Any increase would reasonably be a % increase in line with cost of living increases in benefits

MiddlesexGirl · 21/01/2021 00:32

Can't believe somebody is bring charged to rent space in a shed.

So you'd expect OP to pay for a shed she doesn't want or need? .....

jimmyjammy001 · 21/01/2021 00:51

You got into a relationship with someone who has got children, everyone knows that than when children fall on hard times and have no where to live they come back home and live with one of their parents. You obviously did not expect that to happen, but it has. He's paying you board you will just have to put up with it I'm afraid. Your husband and his children come as a package deal.

Rainbowqueeen · 21/01/2021 02:48

Honestly OP I think you have the right idea. He actually needs to be trying to get better. Enabling him by requiring little if him, including financially is not the way to go.
Would you be willing to do a deal with him? Board remains the same if he goes to a therapist, exercises daily, gets fresh air daily, takes the appropriate meds, whatever is actually needed to turn him into a fully functioning adult. Otherwise board is increased. You deserve to be able to have holidays and a few luxuries. I’d feel differently if he was using money to help himself.

Thefeep · 21/01/2021 03:04

Depends how much he gets in benefits. My son is disabled and gets almost £700 per month (PIP and UC) So if it’s around that amount I’d say £50 per week is totally reasonable.

NSt21 · 21/01/2021 03:08

I think £200 + £5 p/w is more than fair. How old is he? How much does he receive? do you provide all meals? Cleaning? This is your husbands son, it feels rather cold Sad

AhNowTed · 21/01/2021 06:33

Read your update OP and I get it.

Had a similar situation in extended family - The middle aged son would still be there if he was let.

You're right not to make him too comfortable.

Bluntness100 · 21/01/2021 07:05

How old is he op. And as said, what does your husband think?

KatherineJaneway · 21/01/2021 07:12

What treatment is he receiving?

SendHelp30 · 21/01/2021 07:13

Sorry, I can’t see past the fact he RENTS A SHED from his father. Jesus fucking Christ.

Ricebubbles2 · 21/01/2021 07:26

@Heybeendyingtomeetyou

Not only that, but the space it takes up in our garden is space we have paid for and can't use

that sounds really petty.

Sure is Do you have a income Op? He is warm, safe, feed and causing you no harm? and has interests. I wouldn't be worried about a bloody shed or comparing.
00100001 · 21/01/2021 08:10

@SendHelp30

Sorry, I can’t see past the fact he RENTS A SHED from his father. Jesus fucking Christ.
Because he has a bunch of stuff he refuses to get rid of... He's always welcome to use a storage service if £5 a week is too much
00100001 · 21/01/2021 08:14

I always get the impression that people who think OP is being tight/mean/cold etc

Don't have adult offspring in their house living off them and showing no signs of even pretending to help themselves

Mental Health issues arent a get of jail free card absolving you of responsibilities 🤷‍♀️

BrumBoo · 21/01/2021 08:15

We don't want to support him for the next 25 years, die of old age and leave him at 63 so fucking useless at dealing with life that he has to go into care.

@FlamedToACrisp

So he's nearly 40, if I'm reading that correctly? Has been living with you for a few years and isn't changing anything about his life anytime soon?

This isn't about money, not really. I appreciate he's depressed, but this sounds like you've all got into a bad cycle of enabling him to sit around doing literally nothing but buy crap whilst you are (consciously or not) are becoming more resentful of his man-child lifestyle.

If he had a flat beforehand, presumably he used to have some sort of adult life? Why doesn't he want that anymore and would rather live like a teen? What is he doing to help himself, does he have therapy, medication, a reason to get out of the house (volunteering, a part time job, hobby), or even a support worker? Or is he literally just eating, sleeping and buying crap whilst you tiptoe around him, both thinking he's delicate and wondering if this will ever end? Because reading this, I can guarantee you that the part I quoted above will be the end result if nothing changes.

I think you're subconsciously trying to take more off him until you hope he cracks and realises that he's be better off getting a job/moving out, but you know that won't work. Stop treating him like a child, he has to make a solid plan to get on with his life even living with depression. Or accept that he will be in care forever more.

contrmary · 21/01/2021 08:20

If there was ever a perfect example of the "wicked stepmother"...

Seriously though, if you don't need his money, don't take it! It makes you sound like an appalling individual, wanting to use your position of power to make it so uncomfortable for him to live with you that he buggers off and stops being your problem.

If you wanted to help him, and you don't need his money but think he'll piss it away on Star Wars shit (which I agree would be a ridiculous waste) if you don't take it, why not take it, put it aside and use it to pay for counselling for him?

BrumBoo · 21/01/2021 08:33

if you don't take it, why not take it, put it aside and use it to pay for counselling for him?

Hes a middle aged man, if he won't sort out his own counselling, he won't go on the say so of his 'wicked stepmother' will he Hmm. Also, a pretty shit thing to say to a woman who is housing, feeding, cleaning after and generally taking care of her stepson, who is not a bloody child or even close to it. I really think that even if it was her own son, she'd be at the end of her tether at this point (I know I'd be). Unless she married a much older man, I am assuming the OP must be about 60+ herself, who wants to spend their later years being a carer for someone who isn't even trying to help themselves, from all accounts? What if the OP has her own children, what will happen if they also need to come home and slob around for several years?

babyno2pending · 21/01/2021 08:35

To be fair I want to change what I said from the further information you gave, given his age and lack of interest in making himself better you are within your rights to be annoyed. Perhaps you should encourage him to spend the money on professional help instead, as a proviso of living there perhaps you say you want to see him making an active effort to making himself better, instead of the condition being more rent

longwayoff · 21/01/2021 08:43

You RENT him a shed? On top of £50 a week from his benefits? Words fail me.

StarsonaString · 21/01/2021 10:11

He is fucking 38 years old! I think most posters putting the boot in are imagining him as a young adult who needs a bit of help before getting on his feet and entering the adult world. OP is 100% correct that enabling him to live like a teen will not help in the slightest and just serve to make him helpless and even more depressed.

MusicWithRocksIn1t · 21/01/2021 10:16

Yes she should be paying more.
He should also be given basic tasks to do every day.
Hoovering or dishes. Taking bins out, cleaning bathroom, cooking for the family a couple of times a week tbh I don't know how you have tolerated it for so long.

How does he expect to ever get better if he literally sends his life doing nothing and taking no responsibility for himself.
It would be different if he was going to therapy and at least making some form of attempt to get better

Viviennemary · 21/01/2021 10:18

I'm changing my mind too. I thought he was early twenties or younger. He should be getting his own place. Easier said than done. But it's the only solution.

wixked · 21/01/2021 10:20

There needs to be a plan to get him out of your house and on his feet with a timeline attached. I wouldn't tolerate any adult not helping with daily living tasks in a household if he's physically capable. CBT would be a good place to start and in most places he can self refer.

DecemberSun · 21/01/2021 10:31

I get it, OP, shame some others don't. He has to learn to look after himself or he will be institutionalised after your time.