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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think he should pay more board?

201 replies

FlamedToACrisp · 20/01/2021 18:45

My DH's son lives with us. He moved in 4 years ago, and lives on benefits due to MH problems. It is not expected that he will move out for several more years.

We all agreed it would be fair if he contributed £50 a week towards his board. Later he wanted more storage, so we bought a shed for £689 - he pays £5 a week to rent it, but we own it. Other than that, he has not increased the amount he contributes. He has had an increase in his benefits, but it was for increased needs, not a cost-of-living increase AFAIK.

If you have a relative living with you, how often would you expect them to increase the amount they pay - if ever?

How much do yours pay?

WIBU to ask for an increase, basically?

OP posts:
FlamedToACrisp · 20/01/2021 21:50

I have read every answer on the thread, and I don't want to be one of those OPs who ask for opinions, and then say, "No, you're all wrong!" or come out with a massive drip-feed which changes the whole thing: "Yes, but we have to sleep in a tent because he has our bedroom!" (this is not the case)

When he moved in, we were so poor we had less coming in than our very basic outgoings. We have now sold our house, moved and downsized, hence the need for sheds. We got rid of a lot, but then my Mum died and I had to store a lot of her stuff until I could face sorting and getting rid of it.

We have cleared out more stuff now, but DH is disabled and now has a mobility scooter which needs to be stored in one of the sheds, so they're full again! And we have only a tiny loft, which is about 3 ft high.

No doubt those calling me tight would happily pay £689 for their adult son to store his collection of Star Wars toys, a million DVDs and other crap, just because he once had room for them. The shed is 6'x8' and is crammed floor to ceiling already - almost another roomful of stuff. I think it was very kind of us not to say, "Well, it's your stuff, love, you'll have to cram it in your room somehow or sell it." I don't think it was petty to expect him to pay for storage of his own property. But I take your point about overpaying for the shed. We won't charge him, once it's paid for.

With regard to supporting our son financially because he has MH problems, if I thought it would fix him, I would. Unfortunately, it would just mean he spent an extra £200 a month on toys, and eventually 'needed' another shed, and another...

But, worse than that, why would he ever leave, when a double room anywhere else is already £100 a week, and here, he has the use of an entire house, no food or washing or heating to pay for? At the moment, he has no incentive to leave. His friend has MH and gets benefits, rents a flat and has to pay more than £50 extra on top of the Housing Benefit he receives, plus bills.

We don't need the money now, we could afford to keep him free, but I thought if we gradually ask him to pay more, having his own place would seem more appealing. We don't want to support him for the next 25 years, die of old age and leave him at 63 so fucking useless at dealing with life that he has to go into care. He has enough money to pay for therapy, but would rather buy collectibles and block out reality.

OP posts:
Brandnewcovidday · 20/01/2021 21:54

Can you get him out to do some exercise?

Brandnewcovidday · 20/01/2021 21:55

Sounds really difficult OP

converseandjeans · 20/01/2021 21:59

It's not just rent for the room though is it? It's basically full board - all meals made, washing done, bills paid for. OP presumably has to do all this as well as look after her disabled DH.

You haven't said how much he gets though.

It sounds like he is supposed to spend part of his benefits on a counsellor but chooses instead to buy more Star Wars stuff.

OP on Mumsnet mental health issues seem to be an excuse for everything. I don't think it's unreasonable to ask him to start helping out a bit more. Otherwise as you say the day will come when you both pass away & he's completely incapable of looking after himself.

Bluntness100 · 20/01/2021 22:04

Ehrm how much are his benefits? I can’t see the answer to this? Did I miss it or are you avoiding it?

220 quid a month sounds quite steep for a single lad on benefits. How much do you want from him?

Bluntness100 · 20/01/2021 22:07

Also what does your husband think? It seems it’s his son, not yours and he only moved in four years ago.

Anyway, how much are his benefits?

WhatsMissed · 20/01/2021 22:07

We don't need the money now, we could afford to keep him free, but I thought if we gradually ask him to pay more, having his own place would seem more appealing. We don't want to support him for the next 25 years, die of old age and leave him at 63 so fucking useless at dealing with life that he has to go into care. He has enough money to pay for therapy, but would rather buy collectibles and block out reality.

I can see this OP. That’s parenting, rather than enabling.

ElizaLaLa · 20/01/2021 22:08

How much does he get and what is his illness?

Yoshinori · 20/01/2021 22:11

are you poor?

foxesandsquirrels · 20/01/2021 22:15

OP I think there is a very strange attitude to MH on here and many people obviously haven't lived with someone like this. You are 100% right in thinking that he has no incentive to leave. He is extremely lucky to have been able to get support from you and sadly a lot of people with MH look for enablers. People forget that 'getting back on your feet' doesn't always = being nicer or spoiling someone. If you are able to help him spend more money on reality = rent etc, than he is slowly learning that he could cope with reality, whilst still being in a safe space. If he messes up, you are there for him.
If you can afford it, you could put aside the extra money he is giving you and treat him to a nice bed or something once he moves out.
I actually feel quite sad for the people on here who are paying £50pw with full time jobs. When will you learn the realities of life? I think the MH crisis is only getting worse as we spoil generations of kids more and more. They enter the real world not being able to cope.

crimsonlake · 20/01/2021 22:17

Op am I mising something...you say he has no food,, washing or heating bills to pay for, but he is paying, he is paying you £55 a week for it???

MiddlesexGirl · 20/01/2021 22:20

@WhatsMissed

We don't need the money now, we could afford to keep him free, but I thought if we gradually ask him to pay more, having his own place would seem more appealing. We don't want to support him for the next 25 years, die of old age and leave him at 63 so fucking useless at dealing with life that he has to go into care. He has enough money to pay for therapy, but would rather buy collectibles and block out reality.

I can see this OP. That’s parenting, rather than enabling.

This 1000%.

If DSS has enough money to continue filling sheds with collectibles and DVDs then he has enough money to spare something towards household expenses - expenses which would fall entirely on him if he didn't have a DF and DSM that are kind enough to continue looking after him into adulthood.

pippapoo62 · 20/01/2021 22:21

Why do some posters start a thread with a drip feed later on , if the op had told us about downsizing ,giving up their bedroom and the husband being disabled we might have not been to harsh on her predicament. Saying this I still feel the rent is to high for a lad who is on benefits but saying that I suppose he is fed and well looked after and importantly safe in your home. I still stand by what I posted earlier but on the plus side you have taken him in and provided for him . Mental health affects the whole household not just the person who has it , your doing a grand job and sorry if my post was a little harsh earlier

GreenTiles22 · 20/01/2021 22:24

I've read your updates. I think it's sounds fine and a good arrangement. Adults shouldn't be living full board for free. Your current arrangement sounds absolutely fine to me, and depending on his disposable income you could charge more. If you were able to then you could keep that in savings and give it back to him when he's able to move out?

FlamedToACrisp · 20/01/2021 22:25

No, we're not poor now, but we have fairly low expectations. We don't have holidays or luxuries like that, but we are just glad to afford a nice roast chicken etc. and not to have to work (which is the best luxury ever).

I have some money now, inherited from my Mum. We will use it to build an extension. I get carer's allowance and my DH pays for everything from a work pension.

I don't know exactly how much he gets. It's not my business. I know he can afford to pay what he pays.

His illness is depression.

OP posts:
sadpapercourtesan · 20/01/2021 22:26

What does your DH think?

Therunecaster · 20/01/2021 22:26

@NotCornflakes

We already had 3 sheds for our stuff (all full).

I think I see a way for you to get more space in your garden...

My thoughts exactly.
foxesandsquirrels · 20/01/2021 22:32

For people making snarky comments- what do you all think average people live off? I don't know anyone who has enough disposable income to get collectibles. I'd be lucky to treat myself to a new jumper once a month. Living on benefits is the most secure income going nowadays.
Not doing anything only makes depression worse. The whole bloody country is getting depressed for exactly this reason.

Bubbles1st · 20/01/2021 22:35

I think you sound reasonable. If nothing else it is important that despite any mental health issues he has he appreciates the value of money. You are providing him shelter and food which I'm sure costs you more than he pays over the months.

You haven't mentioned your affordability status which is your business but I know many a people who wouldn't just be able to absorb an adult living in their house. So ignore everyone saying you shouldn't charge him.

He gets benefits, he pays some money to you, he spends the rest as he sees fit. If this is best scenario for his at the moment and his increase in benefit takes that into account then you suggest he pays for more of his own food and help him cook independently.
Saves you money and helps him in the long term.

FlamedToACrisp · 20/01/2021 22:36

@NotCornflakes @Therunecaster

We already had 3 sheds for our stuff (all full).

I think I see a way for you to get more space in your garden...

Why should I get rid of my stuff to make room for his? I've GOT room for my stuff.

OP posts:
Cameleongirl · 20/01/2021 22:59

From your updates, I’m gathering that it’s less about the money and more about him learning to an independent adult? But I wonder whether charging him more for his board will achieve this? He really needs life skills and goals to aim for-learning to drive is definitely a good one.

tara66 · 20/01/2021 23:27

Most PPs clearly have never studied the subject of ''Sheds'' - there are ordinary sheds and there are luxury shed - I think OP has a ''large luxury shed''. Some sheds are really beautiful...

Cherrysoup · 20/01/2021 23:34

Why does he do nothing in the house? Why are you doing everything for him? I’m afraid I would expect him to at least cook and do his own washing as an adult, surely he can, in spite of his depression?

Noconceptofnormal · 20/01/2021 23:41

I think so much of this is so dependent on the person.

MH problems coukd mean someobe who is experiencing depression but could be reasonably expected to lead an independent life with the right treatment or support.

Or it could mean someone with severe schizophrenia, which is unlikely to mean they'll ever be independent.

If it is the former I'd be less concerned with the money and more concerned with helping him on the road to recovery.

If it is more like the latter, he needs a social worker and his long term housing needs need to be discussed.

WhatKatyDidNxt · 20/01/2021 23:45

@FlamedToACrisp you have the patience of a saint. You are massively subsidising him but he still won’t do anything around the house. He’s an impressive freeloader

Amused by suggestions for OP to dispose of her own stuff. It’s her house so she can keep what she wants?!